Chương 21: Chapter 21: Leaving for Torton II
As Geoffrey stood by the door, watching and listening to Serena sing and play the piano, he felt the all too familiar tightening in his chest and the churning in his gut.
He got what he wanted. Serena now loved him, needed him, trusted, and depended on him. Yet, if one were to ask, if he was truly content and satisfied, he would not be able to easily say yes.
When they got married, he thought that they could leave the past behind, start anew and look forward to a bright and beautiful future. He wanted to give her the stars, the moon, the skies, and all the worldly things her heart can desire. He wanted her to have everything and want for nothing. All those because she was finally his and he loved her. He wanted to make her as happy as she made him.
The beginning of their married life was truly as beautiful as he envisioned. There was laughter, attraction, lust, excitement, and every positive emotion he could think of. They were so passionately in love, and everything was just perfect. So perfect that he sometimes feared that all those could just vanish in a flash. And it almost did.
When Serena lost their first child in stillbirth, he felt like the perfect world he's been living in has collapsed. He wanted to investigate the cause, find who the culprit was, lay the blame on someone or anyone, and have them sentenced with the worst punishment he could think of. However, he could not do any of those for he knew there was no one who could be more guilty than himself.
It was his anger, frustration, fury, and resentment which drove him to a certain degree of madness, making him exact his vengeance and do the unimaginable to Serena, the woman he proclaimed to love the most. And though it was not directly through his own hands, it was he who ordered her to be drugged not once, but over a period of two weeks just so that he could check how far she has gone on her affair with his cousin, and later, in his quest to get her pregnant.
Thus, who else can he blame? The fault was all his. It was his past deed which has come back haunting, and instead of himself, it was Serena and their child who suffered for it.
Nevertheless, guilty and grieving as he was, he knew that he could not let himself succumb to the temptation of just being. Yes, he was mourning for their loss, but so did Serena.
He saw her pain, her sorrow. That she was going through a depression induced by her self-blame when in truth she has been faultless. He wanted to tell her that it was not her fault but his that their child was gone. However, how could he confess that their child died in stillbirth not because of anything else but of a complication engineered by his own doing?
He could not tell her the truth for he could not afford to lose her. Thus, he did only what he could. He stayed by her side and comforted her. Supported her and showed her that he was with her and that she's not going through the loss alone. He tried to guide her out of the darkness so that she can continue to live and breathe.
But in the end, Serena recovered faster than he expected, and it was she who saved him instead. For although he was sporting a brave front, deep inside, he was still grief-stricken not only because of their loss but also for his guilt.
He did not even realize that he too needed saving until she stepped out of that darkness, pulled him along, and gave him light.
After that period, Serena became more active in her role as the crown princess. Not to say that she was not active before, but one could not help but compare.
Past Serena did enough, but it was only up to the point where she was still convenient. Perhaps it was due to her pregnancy, but he knew better. Normally, she wouldn't go out of her way just to please people or get them on her side. Yet, she did and credited everything to him.
Initially, he let himself be engrossed in his euphoria that Serena was doing those because she has grown to love him more. However, he was not a fool, and he could not keep on fooling himself any longer.
He began to suspect that the reason Serena recovered at a faster pace than him was because all along, she believed that the child she was carrying was not his, but Charlton's.
He could not imagine why she still thought that way when he made sure that there's no opportunity for her and Charlton to meet alone ever since he was able to confirm that they were having an affair. Then he recalled that they did attend the afternoon tea party at the Cross ducal mansion before he found out.
Looking back, Serena did allude that the child might not be his, and though he answered that he knew it was, she could not have known that there was truth in his words.
Thus, in the end, he realized that what he has been avoiding has happened. He began to doubt if what Serena felt for him was truly love or just gratefulness.
--
TBC
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