Chương 53: 53
It was raining hard outside. The droplets of the pouring rain created a nice soundless effect on my closed window.
Tumayo ako at binuksan ang bintana at hinayaang pumasok ang lamig sa silid.
Kanina pa dapat kami nakaalis pero kinailangan naming kanselahin ng ilang oras ang byahe dahil sumama ang panahon.
Bumalik ako sa pamamaluktot sa kama at tumitig sa unos sa labas. Kahapon pa ako nakauwi dito sa mansiyon ng kapatid sa Monte Vega. Kahapon ko pa tuluyang tinapos ang paghihiganti na ilang taon ko ring pinaghandaan.
Yesterday Zen asked me if I was contended with what I achieved. Is it enough that I left without actually doing what I planned all along?
I didn't answer him because I don't know how to express what I have inside my head. I also kept asking myself if abandoning the original plan of killing Ymir and Elizabeth is what I really wanted. Only this morning did I finally have my final answer while staring at my older brother who is painfully gazing at the portrait of his once-upon fairytale wedding.
I got my answer. Hindi ako kontento sa mga nagawa pero para sa kapatid ko at kay Cholo ay tatapusin ko na dito ang lahat.
I'll let due process take in effect no matter how long it will take. Hindi ko na papalawakin pa ang agwat ng hidwaan ng dalawang pamilya. By claiming another life, I will just start another cycle, another season of revenge.
Ayoko na. Pagod na ako. Gusto ko nang makawala sa kadenang ako rin mismo ang may gawa.
Pagkalipas ng ilang oras ay tumila na rin ang ulan hudyat na kailangan ko nang umalis. Mabigat man ang dibdib dahil sa gagawing pag-alis pero kinumbinsi ko ang sarili na para ito sa ikabubuti ng lahat.
It's for Zen's peace of mind.
It's for Cholo's reputation.
And it's for my own sake.
I need to heal. I need to find myself. I need to be whole again. I need to learn to forgive myself for being weak. I need this to move on.
I've done it. I've tried taking it upon against them. I thought I will move on but I was just trapped in an endless loop with no way out.
Leaving is the best option.
"I told you I can leave by myself. Hindi mo na ako dapat pang ihatid. I can take care of myself. Para namang iba pa sa akin ang France. I lived there for years, 'di ba?"
Umiling lang ang kapatid at hinila ako palapit dito habang pinapayungan ako papunta sa nakaabang na private jet sa airport. Umaambon pa rin pero maaliwalas na ang langit kompara kanina.
"Nonsense. I'll stay with you there for a week to ensure that you're safe, well taken care of, and healthy. I'll be your kuya again. I feel so useless for the past months that you're not in my side. I'll pamper you. We'll shop there together," pang-uuto pa nito.
He helped me board the air stair and smiled at the flight attendant who greeted us. I sat on the customized leather seat and stared outside the cabin window.
My mind wandered back to my husband . It's almost three in the afternoon. Nasaan kaya siya ngayon? Did he have lunch already? Or did he spend the nights drinking himself to sleep?
Will he know that we can't see each other? Alam ba niya na ngayon na ako aalis?
I sighed and clutched the pendants of my necklace. Tatlo na silang nandun. I put the rings he gave me together with the original pendant of my necklace. Gusto ko sanang hubarin, itago, o kaya ibalik sa asawa pero hindi ko magawa. It's like I'm still holding on to him after all.
"Kuya, hindi pa ba tayo aalis? May hinihintay pa ba tayo?" I asked Zen who is seating on the other side across me reading a newspaper.
"Just a little more minutes. May hinihintay pa akong tawag."
Bumalik ako sa pagtitig sa labas. Hanggang ngayon ay pilit ko pa ring tinatanggap na dito na lahat magtatapos.
I left Cerro Roca, Monte Vega, and Cholo. I'll left everything in my hometown for good to start anew in my new country.
I'll go back to my therapist to find balance in my life again. I'll enjoy the Lyon just as I did back then. I'll tour around its museums and historical sites and spent my nights sipping my favorite champagne.
But I know that my heart will stay here... to the man whom I will always love forever. To the land where my beloved were buried. To the swift memories I had with my one and only Errol.
May narinig akong tumatawag kay Zen pero hindi ko na iyon pinansin. My mind is still busy organizing my thoughts.
"You sure you wanna leave without talking with him for the last time?"
Gulat kong nilingon ang kapatid na nakalahad ang kamay sa akin kung nasaan ang nag-ri-ring na cellphone.
I looked at the unsaved number on it and felt a familiar ache in my heart.
"Ayoko. Let's go now. I don't want to talk to him," I said trying to sound unaffected.
Sa halip na sundin ako ay kinuha lang ni Zen ang kamay ko at inilagay ang cellphone.
"I'll just check on Brad in the cockpit."
Mabilis itong tumalikod at iniwan akong hindi malaman ang gagawin. The phone didn't stop beeping so I ended the call but it rang again after several seconds. When it is apparent that he won't stop calling, I sighed and finally answered it.
"I'm here," is the first thing he said.
I closed my eyes and bit my lips to stop myself from crying.
"I'm here outside, wife. I'm just a few meters from where you are," he added.
Naglumikot ang mga mata ko sa labas ng bintana. And true to his words, I found him a few meters from where we were parked, holding the phone on his ear not minding that he is soaking wet with the gentle drops of the rain.
"Don't talk. I might force my way into you if I hear your voice. For now, just hear me out."
He took a long breath and chuckled.
"I love you, wife. Let's start with that."
Hinayaan kong tumulo ang mga luha para mabawasan ang paninikip ng dibdib.
"I will never be able to love another woman like you. You're one of a kind. You're my innocent Karina. Too pure that I don't deserve having you in my arms. I know I messed up, wife. Hindi ko natupad ang mga pangako ko noon sa iyo. I was blinded by my hate. I wasn't there to protect you. You were traumatized... and scared."
Natutop ko ang bibig sa mga narinig. I stared at the man in the rain who I felt was looking at me too through the foggy atmosphere.
"Just promise me one thing, Karina... Promise me you'll live your life, wife. Live it to the fullest. Don't worry about our son and your family. I'll take care of them. I'll make sure to give them justice. Don't stress yourself, please. Love, smile. Be happy. Do all the things you haven't done even if it's not with me. Smile genuinely as often as you can. Go to places, love. Take pictures. Be carefree. Just feel everything. Enjoy it. Learn to love living again. Be free, Karina... and when you feel like you have done everything... when you know it in yourself that you've reached the end... when you feel like there's still a part of you that still wants me, please come back to me. I'll always be here for you. Always waiting. Kahit gaano pa katagal. Kahit abutin pa ng ilang dekada. I'll wait for you in our home until you come home."
Itinaas ko ang kamay sa bintana at hinaplos ito. I closed my eyes while imagining that it's Cholo's face whom I'm touching, caressing, and feeling. Namalisbis paibaba ang mga luha ko kasabay ng pagsubsob ko sa nakataas na braso para itago ang mukha.
"Don't worry about Errol. I'll take care of him. I'll always visit him. I'll introduce myself to him and tell him stories about us. And Karina... If ever... If ever you wake up one day that your last name bothers you... when you realized t-that it's all gone, feel free to tell me. I'll give you whatever you want."
His voice cracked.
"I'm letting you go but it doesn't mean that I'm giving up on us," he continued after clearing his throat.
I forcefully covered my mouth to prevent my sobs from escaping.
"I know you're crying," he laughed a hollow one. "You're such a crybaby don't you know that? You're so tough outside but you're broken from the inside. I want you to be tough Karina without the need to mask all your weaknesses. Can I expect you to do that or was I asking for too much?"
He laughed softly.
"What am I saying... The truth is... I don't know what to say. Gusto ko lang na patuloy kang kausapin ngayon para may rason ka pang hindi umalis. I'm trying to buy time kahit alam ko namang wala ng natira."
Humugot ito nang malalim na hininga at may pinahid na kung ano sa mukha. Nanatili lang akong tahimik na nakamasid dito.
"I'll hold on forever, wife."
Kinapa ko ang mga singsing na nasa kwintas at mahigpit na hinawakan.
"Karina, always know that I'm not giving up on us. Never. You're still my Mrs. Gastrell through and through and... It'll be my greatest joy to see you again even from afar."
Itinaas nito ang kamay at kumaway sa ere.
"I love you, Karina Gastrell. I love you, wife."
Pinatay ko na ang tawag at umiiyak na niyakap ang sarili. Kahit na nang nilapitan ako ng attendant para ikabit ang seat belt ay hindi pa rin ako natigil sa paghagulgol.
Kahit nang tumabi sa akin ang kapatid at yakapin ako ay hindi pa rin ako nahinto. Until the plane took off, I still continued crying and never looked back to take one last glance of Cholo.
Because I will never come back to him.
It's final.
This is goodbye.
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