Chương 91: Regardless, There Are Better Things To Do. (18.1)
…
"…I'm glad you're doing this, Hachiman." Hecate had said with a smile I hadn't seen in a long, long time. "Please, don't falter in your course. This will help you immensely."
The words were kind and good, but I didn't exactly feel better after hearing them. Even as I stared at the graves, I couldn't find what I was looking for. I stared and stared as the early spring winds came and went, as the sun shined, and Orario loomed in the distance. I couldn't find the help that Hecate had spoken of. The key that I needed to rid myself of the burdens that had me teetering on the edge of madness.
The Amulet of Dreamless Sleep had done its job. It set every thought I had down to zero as I slept, but that only meant the ones I'd let fester and rot came back stronger without everything else covering them up. Memories of home had come first. Komachi, my parents, and even that damned Kamakura nearly took my breath away. I tried to forget them, to not think about them, but naturally they were the first thoughts I had when I awoke. They were good memories though. They were the kind that I could yearn for and push towards getting again.
Then, of course, came the bad which outnumbered the good immensely.
Crosses stretched across the field. I supposed I could complain about why crosses were the chosen symbols for graves in Orario, but I didn't find the will to do so. There were better things for me to focus on than distractions like that. The two most important were paying my respects to the dead and… and making sure that I could observe them without losing myself. It was difficult to just be there, to simply look and think about them, but I had to do it.
Hecate's Familia came first, because they were the first to… to die.
Linnaeus would never return to his homeland and see his family's fortunes restored. Asha's parents will never see their daughter married into nobility. Jinnah will never explore the world, righting what wrongs she came across. Sylt couldn't add her magics into the Elven Archives and teach where her mother and father had. Kanuri will never return to the homeland she could barely remember.
Those thoughts were always in the back of my mind. Always present and never giving up. They were a constant weight and burden. I had focused on getting to the End of the Dungeon, created a team which would make me powerful, and made them feel too confident. They died because I didn't look at them, but rather their talents. Their deaths were on my hands. Five good people with all their dreams and potential dashed away because I had been too selfish.
I'd given Hecate the traditional black-and-silver envelopes meant for wakes. She had tried to refuse, but I had insisted it was tradition. She relented only after she realized it was more a symbol than actual wealth. Lives weren't worth money. I couldn't buy them back. It was more a sign of support, of future aid, than actual wealth. She took them when she realized that… that I wasn't running away.
The words Hecate said rang in my head again, but I couldn't find it in me to do anything besides stare at the empty graves before me and try to not lose myself.
What was I supposed to do? I'd never had someone important to me die. I'd been to funerals, but they were my parents' friends or faraway relatives. I'd seen my father and mother cry at funerals, but my sister and I never did. Was I supposed to apologize? To cry? To beg for forgiveness from the dead? Wasn't I supposed to?
They were dead. I felt that their deaths were my fault. I wanted to make sure no one else would die like they did. Still, their names and what they wanted to do rang in my head. I didn't feel relieved. I didn't feel like I'd changed from looking at where they were buried. All I wanted to do was go back to the Dungeon, to train Cranel and all my other students as much as I could, and do my best to put them to the back of my mind.
…was that being mad already? A sort of subtle lunacy that I hadn't caught? I took on one student at a time before, but here I was training more and more. I hated working, yet didn't I keep everyone informed and trained, poring over every detail in the next fight, until I was satisfied that they had nothing to fear at all?
Naturally, there was no answer from me or anyone else as I looked at the graves until I couldn't bear to look anymore.
…
Then there was Laulos.
My last student before the former five. After Arde, Erisuis, and Nelly, but before everyone else and Cranel. My best student, not because she was the most powerful, but because she understood every lesson and committed it to heart. She was ruthless, pragmatic, and always strove for what she believed was right. She was better than me. She could be honest with herself and endure the pain that came with that honesty. Was it my fault that she died? Possibly. There were many "what ifs" involved. What if I had just lied and accepted her words? What if I had stood where she had been standing? What if I'd apologized and believed she actually cared about me?
What if, by some chance, Dia Orpheus hadn't been a lie and I'd thrown away the chance to save her?
Each one was a question that drove itself into my head again and again.
The graves were far apart. Laulos was freshly buried. The ground upon her casket barely had grass growing upon it. Orario didn't have wakes. Too many would be held every day. Some graves had flowers on them, or sealed letters, but very few. Death was a natural part of Orario. People took it in stride. Each cross was a dead body of somebody's friend, each little letter written and flower left was a person grieving over a loss, and I could've made that no longer the case.
Dammit, I couldn't think straight.
Why was it that I could accept not being able to bring back Hecate's children, but the moment I looked at Laulos's grave I wanted to run back and accept a stranger's offer for power? Why did I instantly regret turning down an offer which I hadn't been sure was real? It would've been foolish, beyond idiocy, to accept the deal, but as I tried to reason with myself and to make sense of the situation, my thoughts just ended up on the same subject again and again. I could have brought Laulos back, despite every warning sign and ounce of caution I had, by accepting the offer "Fels" had given me.
Why did I want to apologize to Laulos's grave for not trying to bring her back?
Because, she would've taken that chance if I was there and she was here.
It was single thought, one that barely registered, but it latched on and took hold.
Laulos Daphne would've tried to save Hikigaya Hachiman. Regardless of what she could lose in the process, even if it took her years and years to make a pale reflection of what he had made, she would've accepted the deal, given everything up, and pursued whatever quest she had been given. No matter what the quest would've been, if there was a chance he could be brought back, she would've taken it. Even if she would've had the same thoughts, the same doubts, and realized how it could all just be a lie… she would've tried to save him.
I wanted to say that that was wrong, that it wasn't the case, but I couldn't.
In the end, Laulos cared enough for Hikigaya Hachiman to do anything and everything, but he couldn't do the same.
I was going to leave. I couldn't afford to do the same. I wasn't going to be in their lives forever. If I saved Laulos, went on some heroic quest to bring her back, what kind of person would I be if I just left? I had a family waiting for me, people who didn't know where I went and who cared for me, and I couldn't turn away the chance of seeing them again. The words burned into my mind, always flickering in the edge of my vision, always reminded me that I could return once I reached the end. Why should I make friends when I'll just disappear? Why should I look for something that I wanted when I'd just leave it behind? Why should I try to bring someone back from the dead when we'd never see each other again anyway?
Because, in the end, nothing could be that perfect.
There was never going to be a time where I could do anything without regret. Hadn't I learned that already before Orario? With Yukinoshita, Yuigahama, and Iroha? Nothing is perfect. No one and no situation can ever just be right, but that didn't mean that anyone could just choose to avoid everyone and everything. You could be the nicest girl, but your own kindness could hurt you and everyone. You could be the smartest and most talented person, but that didn't mean you could make friends. You could try and appear to be the ideal normal person, but that didn't mean you'd be accepted. You could do your best to avoid everyone so you wouldn't get hurt, but you'll still yearn and want for a real connection.
It hurt to think about them. It seemed incredibly selfish, but I couldn't deny that it hurt more to think about my time spent after school with people I barely knew for more than a year than my own family. Maybe it was because they could leave, that they could forget, and move on. My family, I was sure that I could be with them again, but not them. Would they even recognize me? Would they accept my words or think I was just crazy? I hated thinking about them, but I knew better than to avoid thinking about them now. By not thinking about them, I was avoiding what I'd learned… what could help me now.
If one of them was in the grave before me now, if it was Orimoto, wouldn't I have accepted Fels' offer without hesitation? I'd known Laulos for just as long as them, taught her, and listened to her about all her worries. I'd helped her, seen her grow, and respected her even when she stood against me. She cared enough to stop me from trying to get hurt, even if it meant making me hate her.
Was the fact that I would leave a good enough excuse?
Was it enough of a reason to not try to bring her back?
Apparently, it was. I had decided that it was. My body had acted in accordance with my own thoughts. There was no one else who made the ideas in my head. I couldn't deny that all my Skills did was make me act the way I wanted to without consideration of anything. That was a fact. Something I tried to ignore. That was the plain and honest truth. I wanted to run away from reality, to do nothing, so I had done so. I'd wanted to run away, but still progress, and so I had.
I didn't want to leave another person behind, especially when they were already conveniently dead without me doing anything, so I destroyed the grimoire.
It was wrong. It was a lie. It was easy.
I didn't deserve to be in front of Laulos's grave.
Yet, here I was unable to leave.
...
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