Chương 22: Worries

Colin

I have been in my head a lot for the rest of the day and it hasn't been the best. Right now, all I want to do is go back to my home. I am tired of this retreat and the complications that have come with Lowell and Ashina. I hate that I am so confused. I hate that there is a part of me that knows that Ashina is my mate--that part of me that just doesn't want this.

And then there is my heart, which is telling me that I want Lowell.

It makes no sense to me. I have heard the story of how my parents met, how they fell in love, and how, even though it wasn't the easiest journey, they always knew what they wanted. They knew how they felt about each other, even though everyone was against it.

I know how I feel about Lowell, but now that he is not my mate, how do I even explain it to anyone.

How will anyone understand this?

"Yo, you good?" I look up from the book in my grip, even though I haven't even read it, and Colm has a concerned look on his face.

"Yeah.''

He raises his eyebrows in disbelief. "You have been acting weird throughout this trip."

Yeah, I have a lot on my mind.

"I just want it to be over,'' I confess sincerely.

This trip has been enlightening. I have come out of my shell with someone, and it should be a good thing, but there are a lot of other obstacles--ones that I don't even understand. Ashina is the perfect mate in my eyes. She is beautiful and she is not like her brother. People might associate the pack as one, but she is different.

"You can talk to me,'' he tells me, and I know that I just don't know if that is what I want to do. Talk to him, tell him how messed up my mind is right now.

"I know. There is nothing to talk about, though. I am good,'' I stick to my lie because it is the best thing to end this conversation.

He watches me for a couple of seconds before he heads in the direction of the door. "Are you coming for dinner?"

I nod, "I will be out in a couple of minutes, go without me.''

He nods, and I watch him as he leaves the room quietly. I rest my back on the headboard of the bed and grab my phone. There is a message from Ashina reminding me about tonight, and it only intensifies my worry.

I do not have Lo's number. I wish he was the one texting me. I wish things could have been as easy as that. I wish I didn't have to hide whatever we are doing like the way my brother and Tala do. Things are not as complicated with them as they are with me, and I just don't know how to make things easier for myself.

I leave the room and go to the field areas where they have been holding meals. Tala waves me over and I sit down next to her and my papa, who looks up at me immediately.

"Hey kiddo," he faces me with a smile.

"Hey, papa."

I look at the plate in front of me, but I have no appetite for food. "How is your craving?'' he asks me. I get that he just wants to talk to me and make sure everything is good. My papa and Uncle D are vampires, surrounded by wolves all the time. They have acclimated to that life, but most of the time, I know it is difficult for them, just like it is for hybrids.

"I had some this morning.''

Drinking blood is a thing of survival for me, my brother, and Tala, being the first of our kind in the community. It is something we have to do or we will end up going crazy. Who we really are is hidden by a mask made by the community Warlock Blue.

"Are you doing okay? You have been more secluded this trip.''

It is a known fact that I like to stay on my own. I have always been that way growing up. Most people think it is something I like to do. Something I chose, but in the end, it is not that I stay alone because I am afraid, it is that I don't understand people and they don't seem to understand me.

"I am fine,'' I lie.

I seem to be doing that a lot recently. I whine and blabber about self-inflicted problems.

My phone vibrates again and I grab it before my father can say anything else. It is from Ashina again.

I look around and she is not anywhere close to me.

Ashina: I am at the lake.

I agreed to this. So there is no way I can't not go for the 'date'.

Colin: I'll be there in a bit.

I don't bother checking her message as I look up and notice that my papa is still watching me. There is a worried expression on his face, but that is nothing new. They are always worried about me.

"I am fine," I repeat with a smile.

He watches me as I rush to eat the meat on the plate in front of me. "I am going to meet up with Ash,'' I whisper to Tala, and she raises her brow, and I realize that I just called her Ash.

"Okay.''

I stand up and walk in the direction of the woods. I sense her before I even get to the springs and my heart spikes up. The reaction my body has to her is suffocating and not in a good way. I don't want to feel these things, but they are there, reminding me that Lowell isn't mine.

I stand behind a tree and she is on her phone. There is a smile on her face and it is the dark of the night. The moon is the only thing that shines and it shines so brightly on her.

Mine.

My wolf growls as I walk closer to her with nothing but anguish and regret. I don't want her. How can I loathe something that is meant for me?

It doesn't make any sense.