Chương 83: Uncertainty and Resolution
As Yaan and Rui descended the mountain, Yaan's mind continued to tremble with chaos.
"Why do I not remember…?"
"Could it be that the even the memories I do possess are simply an illusion, false, a lie?"
"Did I ever truly live my life, outside of this 'illusion' world?"
"Could it be that my entire life from before I entered this illusion world, was also an illusion?"
"Have I simply been trapped in an illusion this entire time?!"
"What even is the difference between reality and illusion…?"
Finally, after silently listening to Yaan mumbling to himself for sometime, Rui sighed lightly. She could see that he was delving closer and closer to a full-blown mental breakdown.
"Yaan, you entered were 15 years old when you stepped into the true-false illusion formation. Now, you have spent 5 years living in this illusion, beginning from the start of your real life memories at 6 years old, until now."
Yaan paused and slowly looked up at Rui with a vacant look. She stared back at him and stated bluntly:
"Spending so long in an illusion like this at such a young age is enough to drive anyone to the brink of insanity. You're losing your grip on reality. The world you know as real should indeed be real. As for this illusion…that's difficult to say."
Yaan's mind cleared up slightly as Rui pointed out the crux of the matter.
"But you said that I should actually be much older…" He spoke uncertainly as his mind and emotions continued to waver.
"Forget about that. Forget about your problematic memory for now, and as for you perhaps being older than you seem, there are many possible explanations for this. Right now, are you not still participating in a trial? Or did you forget your purpose, did you forget what you have been fighting so hard against this entire time?"
Rui's words seemed to awaken Yaan from his stupor as his eyes widened, regaining a hint of clarity. This clarity gradually morphed into determination, a cold resolution that enveloped his heart and swept everything else away.
There were many things in this world that confused him, but when had he ever let this fact get him down? There was no use in pitying himself, in feeling unease, confusion and despair. Allowing such feelings into his heart would only lead to an endless downwards spiral.
"Right…in the end, all I can live by is the truth that I know…worrying about anything else won't achieve anything…I just need to move forwards, to become stronger…"
Yaan stopped speaking for a brief moment to look up at Rui and ask seriously:
"Then, if the discrepancy in my memory isn't caused by my entire life being a falsehood, if what I know as 'real' truly is 'real', then why is it that my memory cuts off abruptly at a certain point, a point that I can now very clearly think back on?"
The first memory Yaan possessed was the first instance he re-experienced within the illusion world, the time when he was lingering around Lightstone Village border, right before his father called him back home as his mother was giving birth.
Rui remained silent for some time, showing a slightly pensive expression.
"I can't say for sure. I don't know exactly how this formation functions, maybe it simply bases the illusion you experience on your own memories. If that is the case, then it could simply be that for whatever reason, your memory was damaged, or perhaps sealed."
"Or?" Yaan asked immediately, feeling like Rui was more inclined to believe a different theory.
"Or you're the victim of a botched reincarnation."
"Huh?" Yaan was startled. No matter what, he really wasn't expecting that answer…
Now that he thought about it, the Rui he knew, the real Rui, once mentioned reincarnation too. Supposedly, following death, the soul would be reincarnated. Though, he wasn't convinced that something so fantastical was real, plus he didn't know any of the specifics.
Before he could ask more, Rui suddenly posed him a question.
"Yaan…if I tried had assisted you properly, using my cultivation on the way to this place, do you think we would have arrived on this mountain on a different day? Do you think that anything we have done has made a difference?" Rui suddenly asked a question that nobody could really answer.
After looking at Rui and seeing her cold indifference return, Yaan knew that she was no longer willing to discuss the previous topic. Since that was the case, he decided to answer her question, despite not really knowing the truth.
"Before I encountered you, I believed that I was changing things by opposing my fate. All that achieved though, was to create an opposite version of me, a version in the illusory world that was true to my past. I tried to reject the notion that I was completely powerless here, yet doing so ended up causing me to remain a helpless mortal. No matter what I did, nothing changed, haha…"
Rui silently listened. She knew that in spite of his confusion, Yaan had come to understand some matters, particularly in the last hour. She also knew that he had a good reason for returning to and now chasing after his other self.
She also had her own ideas, but she didn't wish to voice such things aloud.
But there was something they both realised, something Rui would not say, but Yaan said it almost casually.
"The truth of the matter is that, right now, we are the illusions, whilst this world is reality. "
Rui's gaze flashed, but she kept quiet.
"But also…I think I can answer your question now, Rui. About what an illusion is, really?"
"Oh?" She slightly raised one eyebrow.
"After all that has happened, I would argue that illusion and reality are just different perspectives. Something can be an illusion to one person, and reality to another. To the real world, this true-false illusion world is the illusion. To this illusion world, I am the illusion, whilst the inhabitants here are all real. Though, you, an inhabitant of this illusion, seem to be the exception…"
Rui remained silent, neither agreeing nor arguing with this point. However, as she saw Yaan arrive at the conclusion she had been pointing him towards all this time, a gleam flashed through her eyes, imperceptible to Yaan or anyone else.
Yaan slowly looked out at the world around them. Corpses were strewn about everywhere as they descended more than halfway down the mountain. Unknowingly, they ended up passing by the young Yaan and were now waiting for his arrival lower down the mountain.
'Just one final push…' Rui thought to herself as she watched Yaan carefully.
"I think you're forgetting something. You're currently undertaking a trial, right? And you wanted to use the trial to become a psyche power cultivator, no? So why are you obsessing over dao all of a sudden, when you said that you never thought about it much before now?
"Rui, I've become an illusion within an illusory world, how could I not think about the dao of illusions right now?"
"Fair enough. But regardless, this is still a trial. So, what is your plan for passing this trial?"
Yaan smiled slightly, giving Rui an odd, slightly amused look for a moment.
"Honestly, I still don't know what's real and what's not. What I do know, is that right now, I am an illusion to this world around me. Since that's the case, I just need to switch the perspective. Then, I won't be an illusion, and this world won't be real."
"Hmm…"
"Hah…hah…hah…."
Their strange conversation was cut short as the young Yaan finally arrived. When Rui saw him exhausted from running down half a mountain, she turned to the older Yaan oddly…now that she thought about it, this guy's body was still that of a mortal child, right? How did he run so fast, without even exhausting himself?
She quickly became distracted by Yaan's eyes though. Previously, as he was pondering over the nature of illusions, countless images, illusions of his life, had flashed through his eyes in a rapid sequence. But now…
Rui stared deeply. Firstly, she recognised that gaze…he was planning to do something crazy again. She didn't care about that though, she already knew this much.
What really struck her, was the fact that she didn't know what colour his eyes were right now! They had always been brown, right…? He was a mortal human in this place after all…and yet…
It was really strange! It's not like the colours were flashing and changing, it wasn't some newly discovered colour, this wasn't an illusion, it was like…
"There is no true colour…" She murmured to herself. After quickly calming herself down, Rui's gaze became more serious.
'As expected, this level of innate ability to comprehend dao is too extreme…it's even beyond most immortals…'
Rui thought this as she recalled her concerns over these past years as Yaan quickly returned to normal.
Mostly, she worried that he would either kill her soul, or that his completion of this trial would return her to nothingness.
Was it death, when an illusion ceased to be? Could something die if it was just imaginary and never really lived in the first place? Or perhaps, illusions were no less living than humans, they just existed in a different form…
Rui actually thought far more deeply into this illusion compared to Yaan. This illusory world and her ghostly self related to her entire life and dubious future after all!
"Rui…you're the same Rui I know, with some different memories and experiences, but…just because right now you're an illusion, doesn't mean anything. When we approach my younger self, you should just touch this ring against the other. I'm sure you understand, right?" Yaan smiled at Rui calmly, with such serenity in his gaze that Rui was taken aback for a moment.
When she saw this gaze, she finally realised that all along, Yaan knew, or perhaps just assumed, that she was manipulating him in some way. She cast him a deep look for a moment, no longer putting on a facade. It was a subtle change, but her expression became slightly more cold and distant compared to before.
Within her gaze, Yaan felt that he could also see a trace of melancholy…
In the end, she still had so many questions and doubts, but that was often the case for an elderly cultivator who had seen too many strange things. So, she nodded, having understood that he was definitely going to take the most drastic cause of action after she left.
The very action she had been pushing him towards all this time.
As the young, distraught looking Yaan arrived, he slowed down slightly to catch his breath. Without another word, Rui swept in, wearing the black ring and tapping it against the one on the younger Yaan's hand. The older Yaan watched with bright eyes as both Rui and her ring glowed red, then vanished, sucked into the other stone ring, fusing back into one. The younger Yaan didn't notice a thing, as to him, neither the duplicated Rui nor that second ring of hers existed within his world.
"She actually agreed to try it first…haha, I guess she assumed it would be a bit tricky after I did the same. She went first because she always intended to do this, and proceeding with things in this way is logically the best way to make me follow suit. But alas…"
Yaan's smile slowly faded as he stared at his younger self.
"This might be the first time that Rui has been unable to see through my actual intentions. When I said that I wanted to obtain an Apex Grade, I wasn't joking, Rui. The completion method you have been pushing me towards can be considered perfect, but it's not enough, especially not after all that has happened. Though, it's not really about the grade itself…it's not even about psyche cultivation anymore…"
Yaan's expression became cold, as a shockingly ruthless look enveloped his eyes.
"It's just about moving forwards."
With that, Yaan rushed forth, charging directly at his younger self.
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