Chương 113: Theories of Self-Interest ll
Neither of us left the bed for the rest of the evening, although we did not have sex again. As our naked bodies cooled down from our sexual heat in the chilly January air, we slipped beneath the covers and cuddled together for warmth. I lay flat on my back, with my head propped up by a pillow. Kim spooned herself beside me, resting her head on my chest while I wrapped my left arm around her. And we stared at the ceiling together.
I thought Kim would remain silent until I spoke to her, reverting back to her usual patience. But to my surprise, we had been quiet for only a few minutes when she asked softly, "What just happened?"
After glancing down at her, I lay my head back and smiled. "Uh, I wasn't exactly going for 'mind-blowing'. We had sex. Don't you remember?"
Kim shook her head slowly. "Not just sex. That was very different."
I shrugged, the movement of my shoulders gently rocking Kim's head. "True. I don't think we've ever done it quite that ... softly ... before."
She shook her head again, this time picking it up and turning to face me. "Not just the sex. This whole night ... It was ... romantic."
I picked my head up and smiled. "Did you enjoy it?"
Kim blinked a few times. "Well, yes."
"Then good. Mission accomplished." I lay my head back down.
Kim furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "'Mission accomplished'?"
I shrugged again. "I just thought you might enjoy getting out a bit. We don't usually get into all that. I'm sorry that things are usually more slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am."
Kim blushed. "You don't have to apologize. I never asked for anything more than that."
"Still."
"It's just ... That felt like a date. With the holding hands and kissing up on the ridge and even dinner with Benjamin and Stacie."
"It was a date."
"But you have a girlfriend."
"So? My girlfriend isn't here tonight."
"Is that why? Because you wanted a date with Dawn? But you couldn't because she hasn't been around much lately?"
I frowned. "What? No. This has nothing to do with Dawn."
"Doesn't it?"
I sighed, slightly annoyed. In my command voice, I stated sternly, "Kim, stop overanalyzing everything."
She shut up. Exhaling slowly, Kim pressed her cheek a little tighter against my chest and hummed happily.
Again, I thought Kim would remain quiet until I directed otherwise. For now, I was content to enjoy the aftermath of blissful lovemaking and the momentary emptiness of my mind. I tightened my arm around her shoulders, cuddling her closer to me. And closing my eyes, I let out a long exhalation, feeling all tension leaving my body with my breath.
But Kim spoke up. "Thank you," she said quietly.
I opened my eyes and glanced down at her, finding that she was looking up at me. "For what?"
"You were right. I did enjoy getting out. That was my first date since High School, and even then, I never went anywhere nicer than Taco Bell."
I chuckled. "If you wanted to go out on a date before, I'm sure Bert would have loved to take you."
Kim frowned and looked away from me. I felt her body tense up slightly beneath my hand. "Bert is really sweet. He doesn't take a hint sometimes, but he's a very nice guy."
"But..." I led her.
Kim giggled. "But ... things could never work out with Bert and me. I like him well enough, but he doesn't know this side of me. He couldn't handle it."
I shrugged. "You never know. Bert has a way of surprising you."
Kim chuckled. "He does, but not this. He doesn't have it in him to be the Dominant."
I winced. "Truth be told, I don't think I'm a dominant kind of guy, either."
Kim twisted in my grip, rolling onto her stomach and then propping herself up on her elbows. Her long, silky black and blonde hair hung down over her face, and she reached up to brush it back while smiling at me demurely. "Perhaps. But then, I'm not counting on you to be my Master. It's Viktoriya I depend on."
"But you still let me give you orders."
Kim stared into my eyes, her focus laser like in its intensity. That demure smile widened the corners of her lips, and she canted her head to the side introspectively. "You're ... special. You're right: you're not a natural Dominant. You're too empathetic toward others; you care too much. Viktoriya – and Grace before her – had an aloofness that allowed them to separate their feelings for me from their decision-making. But even though you don't have that detachment, you have a very strong force of conviction. You're protective, and because of that ... I trust you. I trust that you won't let me come to harm."
She said it with such innocence and hope that I immediately cradled her cheek and reassured her, "I won't."
"I know." Kim smiled broadly and tilted her cheek into my palm. She then took a deep breath and shrugged, adding, "As much as I like Bert, I can't trust him that way. So we have no future together."
I nodded in understanding, and let my head fall back down onto the pillow. Likewise, Kim slid her arms down and re-settled into her previous cuddling position with her head on my chest.
This time, Kim remained silent. She enjoyed the feel of my body, lightly stroking her fingertips up and down my bare chest. I enjoyed the feel of her body, sometimes letting my arm hold her tightly and other times stroking my palm along her flank, cupping her tight asscheeks for fun as well.
With time, Kim's trailing fingertips began to work themselves lower and lower. I first noticed when she tickled my belly-button a couple of times. But then she began to work down my happy trail into my pubic hair. And with only the one ejaculation tonight, I soon felt the blood begin to flow into my dick.
Sometime later, I felt her cool hand wrap around my shaft, stroking it experimentally before tightening its grip. My lips parted fractionally as I panted softly. And after another few minutes of Kim stroking pleasure into my newly formed erection, I tilted my chin up to the ceiling and groaned.
She took that as her cue to change positions again. Sliding out from my arm, Kim got to her knees atop the mattress, although still beneath the covers. I felt her fine hair drape over my dick before she delicately pulled the silky curtain back and over to the other side of her head. She breathed hotly onto my cock, bathing it in moist warmth before actually putting me inside her mouth. And I heard her take a deep breath in preparation to do just that.
Just then, the light bulb went off in my head. Kim had stated the specific reason why she had no future with Bert. But...
"Kim," I croaked, my chest rising and falling heavily in sexual anticipation. "Do you see yourself having a future with me?"
She froze just above my dick. Her hand stopped stroking, though it still squeezed my base. And despite the dim light, I saw her dark eyes staring straight at me with that laser like focus once again. "You have a girlfriend," she stated evenly. And then she descended, sucking and swallowing every inch of my cock until her nose was pressed up against my pelvis, my throbbing mushroom head firmly lodged in her throat.
Just then, the door creaked open with a soft rapping sound against the wood. Eyes widening in alarm, Kim popped her head up and gasped for air. I, too, tensed up and turned my head to the doorway.
"Oh, pardon the interruption," Dawn giggled, clapping a hand over her mouth. "It was so quiet I didn't realize you guys were still going."
I shrugged helplessly, but Kim giggled and looked down once again at my dick. "We'll be done in just a few minutes," she said. And then she rather hungrily devoured my cock once again.
I groaned and sank my head back into the pillow as Kim ramped up her blowjob from zero to sixty in half a second. She didn't waste any time with teases or titillations. She simply inhaled my prick and sucked me like a Dyson vacuum, bobbing her head up and down rapidly with the full intent of bringing me off as quickly as possible. It was all I could do to just hang on for the ride.
Three minutes later, I felt my nut sack compress. I gurgled weakly, astonished at the skill with which Kim had just fellated me. And I think I whimpered like a little boy as I felt the explosion rocket up my shaft to pepper Kim's mouth with liquid pellets of creamy sperm.
Shuttling her wrist back and forth with lightning speed, Kim jacked my rod to coax out every droplet into her mouth while her lips maintained a perfect seal just below my crown. She took in everything I had to give her, missing absolutely nothing. And when my hips finally crashed back down onto the mattress, she closed up her mouth and tilted her head back, fighting valiantly to hold it all inside.
What came next took me by complete surprise. With a hand over her mouth, Kim slid out of the bed. Naked, she approached Dawn, who had been leaning against the wall with her hand in her panties the whole time. And after grabbing Dawn's cheek and tilting the blonde's head back, she snowballed my entire load into my girlfriend's mouth in a sloppy wet kiss.
Dawn went weak-kneed beneath that kiss, and the sight was so scorching hot that my dick didn't deflate at all. When they were done, Dawn literally collapsed against the wall, just barely keeping herself upright while humming happily at the taste of my spunk.
Kim herself was gasping for oxygen after holding her breath for so long, bracing herself with one hand against the wall. But very quickly, she recovered and stood up straight. Returning to the bed, she reached out and rather physically dragged me out, tugging until I stood up on the floor under my own control.
"He's yours," Kim stated seriously, still breathing hard. With a hand firmly on my ass, she pushed me forward and into Dawn's open arms. And then sighing heavily, she turned and climbed back into her own bed.
I was shocked into inaction. The last five minutes had been the most forceful I'd ever seen Kim in the entire time I'd known her. And I didn't know what to make of it.
But I didn't have any more time to contemplate what that really meant. Inspired and incredibly aroused, Dawn grabbed my hand and literally dragged me into our bedroom. And there she fucked us both into unconscious exhaustion.
"Mmm-wah! Bye, babe." Dawn kissed me before hoisting her backpack over her shoulder and turning in the direction of her next class.
I waved to her as she left, then turned around and headed in the opposite direction. I had an hour and a half before my next class, and there was an Xbox controller with my name on it.
No, really. Bert was rather picky about his controllers, saying that one of them didn't track to the right as well as the other. So he actually wrote his name on the back of the "good" one with a sharpie, which made me write MY name on the back of the other. Our friends would occasionally use the controllers as well, but the two were already known as "Bert's controller" or "Ben's".
My best buddy was waiting for me on the porch when I arrived back at the house. Three minutes later, we were blasting away at Heretics with UNSC Battle Rifles and the occasional grenade.
"Cover me," I urged as I peered around a blind corner. Seeing nothing, I quickly stepped around it with my weapon at the ready.
"Watch out!" Bert suddenly exclaimed, and the television speakers flared to life with the sounds of guns firing.
I spun around just in time to see my friend's avatar collapse under a hail of plasma bolts, and when he went down, I simply paused the game.
"Doh!" Bert sighed. "Didn't see them coming."
I checked the screen, and for some strange reason, a notion popped into my head. "Why'd you do that?"
"Do what?"
I gestured at the screen. "You moved yourself in-between me and the heretics. You could have shot at them from your position, but you deliberately broke cover and exposed yourself to fire."
Bert shrugged. "They woulda shot you instead."
I frowned. "But why DO that?"
Bert gave me a weird look. "You told me to cover you!"
"But you DIED doing it."
"Dude..." Bert said sagely, reaching out and rubbing my shoulder. "You do know it's just a game, right?"
I shook my head and batted Bert's hand away, rolling my eyes. He laughed and sat back in his seat. "No, really. I'm just trying to understand it. You remember when Professor Ice was talking about self-centeredness? How the point of everything is to ultimately serve yourself?"
"Sure."
"Well ... you're dead." I immediately held up my hand to forestall Bert's retort. "I know, I know, it's just a game. But what if it were real? What sense is there in sacrificing yourself for a friend? Minor sacrifices here and there, sure. But death? How does that ultimately serve oneself?"
Bert still looked at me like I'd gone off the deep end, but he put his controller down and shrugged. "It's the common goal. Military units all over the world preach the idea of the greater good. Sure, you may die, but as long as your collective team succeeds, it's worth it."
"But why should that matter if you're dead and not around to be a part of the success? Like I said, minor sacrifices can work out in the long-run. But there IS such a thing as sacrificing too much."
"Oh, we're getting heavy now," Bert marveled with a smile. "You're never going to solve this one. People have been debating Utilitarianism for eons. Or maybe you're getting into Rand's Objectivism and Rational Egoism."
"Huh?"
Bert shook his head. "Took Philosophy last semester. The point is: you're going to talk your brain in circles if you try to figure this all out."
"It can't be THAT bad."
Bert shrugged. "At its core: Utilitarianism talks about this concept of 'Utility'. It can mean whatever you want, but for most people it means 'Good'. For some people, they want to maximize their personal utility. At the other end of the spectrum, people say we should maximize the total utility of our population. In other words, if we took you, me, Dawn, Kim, Gwen, and Robin, then we'd all collectively be trying to maximize the utility of all six of us. The 'Greater Good' and all that. You follow me?"
"It's like your Military thing: The group wins, even if I die along the way."
"Right. By comparison, Objectivism and Rational Egoism would have all six of us doing everything we could to maximize our own personal happiness, our own rational self-interest. That one is more like Nash's Equilibrium and the Professor's self-centeredness. That theory would say to like your friends and want what's best for them, but only as their happiness benefits you and certainly not at the expense of you dying."
"Which are you?"
Bert shrugged. "The hell if I know. I spent an entire semester trying to wrap my head around this stuff. A little of both, I would think. I want what's best for me, but I find some happiness in the success of my friends as well."
"I think so too ... but that whole dying thing doesn't appeal."
"Nobody says you have to die. Let me put it a different way: Let's say you figure out that Dawn would be happiest with someone else. Maybe not Ryan, but Ryan 2.0 or something."
"Ryan 2.0?"
"Work with me here."
"Fine."
"Do you let Dawn go, valuing her happiness? If you know with certainty that her life would be better with someone else, what then? Or do you keep her to yourself, knowing that YOU will be happiest with her?"
I frowned. "Why does everyone make a hypothetical about me and Dawn breaking up?"
Bert laughed. "Sorry. I know you lived through this last year."
"I did. For a while, I DID let her go."
"Then clearly, you have some concept of 'utility'."
"I guess..." After all, I KNEW I valued Dawn's happiness to a great extent, and I wanted to believe that I could do anything for her. But that flew right in the face of my own proclamation that everything I did, I did for myself. After all, didn't I want to make myself happy?
Didn't everyone?
But then I started thinking of Kim. I didn't "get" her. Intellectually, I knew that she had some kind of submissive personality. I didn't know what that meant, exactly. But I knew that she could be very shy around strangers, had a hard time making snap decisions of her own, and somehow felt far more comfortable letting other people tell her what to do.
I'd told Dawn that everybody was looking out for their own best interests, and therefore she shouldn't feel guilty about doing the same. But what did that say about Kim? The girl clearly didn't look out for her own best interests. She let Viktoriya and me do whatever we wanted to her, let US act in OUR best interests and just use her at our every whim. Was doing so somehow looking out for her own best interests in a strange, convoluted fashion? Or did she have an entirely different philosophy on how she should go through life?
"Told you," Bert said quietly, momentarily drawing me away from my introspection.
"Huh?"
"I told you that you were going to talk your brain in circles trying to figure this one out. My advice: just live your life the best you can and don't worry about specific philosophies."
"Maybe..."
"No, not 'maybe'. Yes, for at least the next hour, okay? I've got an hour before class and the last thing I want to do is spend it discussing this crap. Cool?" He held up his controller for emphasis.
I chuckled and shook my head, clearing away the thought puzzle I'd created for myself. I picked up my controller, looked to the screen and replied, "Sure."
Kim appeared in the archway between the hallway and the living room, digging both of her thumbs into the straps of her backpack. "Hey Ben. Ready to go?"
I looked up and nodded. Kim's first class three days out of the week was in Evans, and mine was just a minute's walk further to McCone. Since Dawn's first class on these days wasn't for another hour, we'd decided that it made more sense for me to walk to campus with Kim and let Dawn stick around the house a little longer. My girlfriend could sleep in, get breakfast, or otherwise just take a more leisurely start to her day. Then all three of us would meet up right before Professor Isakova's class.
I closed my book and slammed it into my messenger bag. I stood up, swiping the last of my toasted waffle off its plate, and said, "Just lemme dump this in the sink."
"I got it," Dawn said as she breezed into the room from the stairs. She'd just come downstairs fully dressed after sleeping in an extra thirty minutes, and she waltzed by to grab my empty plate and also give me a quick kiss goodbye. "Mmm-wah! Bye, babe."
I grinned. "Thanks. Love you."
Dawn was already halfway to the kitchen, but she glanced back at me with a beaming smile. "Love you too."
Shoving the rest of the waffle into my mouth, I hoisted the strap of my bag over my head and settled it onto my left shoulder. With cheeks bulging, I nodded to the front door and said with a full mouth, "Shall we?"
It came out, "Shuhwee?"
Kim just chuckled and reached up to poke my cheek, making me puff out a bit of air and a couple of waffle crumbs down onto my shirt.
I rolled my eyes and wiped my chest.
"Don't forget. This week is your week for vacuuming." She then turned and headed for the door.
I groaned and followed after.
Pain suddenly blossomed in my right thigh. I jerked upright in my chair, gritting my teeth as I fought the urge to scream aloud in a filled auditorium. With clenched eyes, I stared down at my leg, half-expecting to find only a ragged stump remaining with copious amounts of blood spurting out of it and soaking onto the floor.
My leg, of course, was still in one piece. I watched Dawn pull her ball-point pen away, the sharp conical metal tip gleaming like a surgical instrument. And rolling my eyes, I shot her a quick glare of pure – but temporary – hatred.
Class was already over. Professor Ice was answering questions at the front of the lecture hall, and a dozen or so students were in the aisle next to me on their way out the door. But I was so angry that I didn't even bother trying to pack up my bag.
"I thought I told you never to do that again!" I hissed none too quietly at the supposed love of my life.
"You told me never to stick my pen into your hand again," Dawn stated matter-of-factly. "That wasn't your hand."
"Then don't ever stick your pen into any part of my body ever again, period!"
Dawn mused on that for a moment. "No."
"I'm serious!"
She shook her head, having too much fun with this. "I refuse to comply. No."
"C'mon! I'm your boyfriend! You shouldn't be having this much fun causing me pain."
"That's a normative statement," Bert pointed out helpfully. And parroting Professor Ice, he added, "This is a place of positive economics. What 'ought' to be has no place in this classroom."
"Bert, I'm going to kill you next," I added through gritted teeth.
"Oh, get over it," Sasha sighed wearily from the other side of me. "C'mon. We've got a new project assignment. And it looks like we're going to have to spend a few minutes getting our fearless leader caught up."
"Hey, 'fearless leader' got you an 'A' last semester," I barked, finally packing up my bag. The pain in my thigh was already disappearing, with a lot more fat and body tissue between the surface of my skin and my pain receptors than in my hand. So that was progress, at least.
Sasha, Dawn, Bert, Kim, and I headed for our "new" usual spot at a brisk pace. The cool January air had everyone moving relatively quickly, for warmth if nothing else. And we were all looking forward to getting indoors, as somehow Kim had gotten us permission to use an empty classroom in Stephens Hall for our lunchtime project meetings.
Well, some of us were walking briskly. Sasha wasn't quite keeping up, and I noticed that she was walking with a little pain. Quickly, I dropped back and kept pace with her, asking, "Something wrong?"
She winced at me apologetically and shook her head. "It's nothing."
"It's never nothing. You're not walking so good."
"Not walking 'very well'," she corrected.
"Who are you, my big sister?" I complained, though I grinned. Whether it was Dawn or Brandi or even Brooke, somehow that little grammatical correction always worked its way into my life.
Sasha, of course, didn't get the reference. "Huh?"
I shook my head. "Nevermind. What happened? Rough sex with the boyfriend?"
"Don't be so crude."
I shook my head. Clearly, Sasha was favoring one leg and holding her hip. "You hurt your hip or something?"
"Or something," she explained.
"Don't want to talk about it?"
"I'm fine."
"Ohh..." I nodded sagely. "So it's embarrassing. Now I really want to know."
"Ben..." she complained.
"Okay, okay," I laughed, holding my hands up. "Want me to give you a piggyback ride?"
"What?"
"A piggyback ride. Didn't you ever get those as a kid? Here, I stoop down, you climb onto my back, and I carry you all the way to Stephens."
Sasha frowned. "You're just trying to cop a feel of my ass, aren't you?"
"No, no..." I blinked. The thought actually hadn't occurred to me. "Hey, now that you mention it-"
"I'll be fine."
"Okay, okay," I conceded.
Sasha rolled her eyes. But she was still smiling.
It was just after dinner on Sunday night when I heard a key jiggle in the front door. A few seconds later, still dressed in her motorcycle leathers after driving back to school from her home in Sunnyvale, Kim walked through the hallway and said 'Hi' to everyone in the living room.
"Hey" "Hey" Brooke and DJ greeted from their respective spots on the couch. After spending most of the weekend with their boyfriends, they were getting a late start on completing their homework due Monday morning.
"You hungry?" Dawn called from the kitchen. "We've got plenty of leftovers."
"I'm fine, thank you," Kim replied politely, and then headed upstairs.
Dawn then turned to me. "You still want to switch up our presentation assignments tomorrow?"
I nodded. Sasha had come up with a new insight to our group project involving the Brouwer fixed point theorem. She'd called up Dawn and me, and the three of us met to revise tomorrow's presentation. Since she was the one who'd come up with the new insight, I told Sasha I'd have her and Kim switch presentation topics.
"Go to it," Dawn offered. "I'll finish up down here and then we can watch a movie together. 50 First Dates?"
"Sure." I leaned in and kissed my girlfriend's cheek, then wiped my wet hands from doing the dishes and headed upstairs.
After I knocked on Kim's bedroom door, she called out, "Come in."
I entered and smirked immediately at the sight of Kim's panty-clad ass. She was snaking off her leather pants and putting on some comfortable cotton pajama pants. After pulling up the waistband, she turned around and smiled at me. "Nothing you haven't seen before."
I feigned ignorance and gestured for her to turn back around. "Uh, I don't think I saw that quite right. Can you pull your pants down and bend over again?"
"Yes, Master." Kim's lower lip quivered and she immediately turned around, bending at the waist and pulling both her pajamas and panties down to her knees.
I whistled, now having a much better view of Kim's completely bare buttcheeks. And then I chuckled, saying, "I wasn't serious." I also quickly stepped into the room, closing the door behind me just in case someone meandered by.
Quietly, Kim pulled her pants back up and turned around, sitting down on the edge of her bed. "I don't mind."
Canting my head to the side, I approached the bed and sat down beside her. "I still don't get that, you know. How you're so willing to just carry out my slightest whim. Even Dawn doesn't do that for me."
Kim shrugged. "I don't mind. I'm happy to be at your slightest whim."
"So if I asked you to give me a blowjob right now..."
She immediately reached forward and tugged at my jeans. "Would you like me to, sir?"
"No, no." I quickly grabbed her wrists, stopping her. And then I thought about it, "Well, yes. But it's not Thursday."
Kim shrugged. "I spoke with Viktoriya on Friday. We discussed a lot of things, including you. For one thing, she said she was eliminating the 'Thursday' rule. You may now have me anytime you wish."
My jaw dropped in surprise. For one thing, I didn't know how I would handle having this level of control over Kim every day of the week. It was a kinky trip to be her 'Master' one day a week, but all the time? Even more disquieting was that Kim had explained the change so casually, as if she'd just told me she had a new haircut. Like it wasn't really a big deal.
"Anytime?"
Kim smiled with an extra sparkle in her eye. "Anytime. Would you like that blowjob now, Master?"
"Wait-wait-wait," I said, holding my hands up. I took a deep breath and shook my head. Being curious about what made Kim tick was one thing, but if she was going to start behaving like this every time we were alone together, I knew I was going to have to understand this submissive aspect better. She was just too vulnerable, and I could hurt her easily if I didn't handle this the right way. "Why are you doing this?" I asked seriously. "What's in it for you?"
Kim shrugged. "I can make you happy. That's all the reward I need."
"But what's in it for you?"
"I require nothing further."
This wasn't going anywhere. All of a sudden, I remembered the reason why I'd come up here in the first place, and the thought of our team project put an idea in my head.
"Kim, do you agree with Professor Isakova's assessment of Nash's Equilibrium? Specifically, do you agree that all companies think only about their own self-interest?"
"Yes. Modern mainstream economics is built on neoclassical theories. The ultimate goal of a company is to prosper and survive. To do so requires that it consider the strategies of its competitors and adapt based on them to ensure its own success."
"Do you agree that all companies should think only about their own self-interest?"
Kim pursed her lips. "There are a lot of factors to consider..." she hedged.
I shook my head and cut her off. "Yes or no?"
Thus given an ultimatum, Kim shrugged and answered, "Yes."
"And do you believe that human beings should act in a similar fashion?"
She read the hardness in my eyes. With another shrug, she answered, "Yes."
"Including yourself?"
Kim's eyes wavered for a moment, but she took a deep breath and answered, "Yes."
"Then how to you reconcile your mandate to think of your own self-interest with your behavior to do whatever I tell you to do?"
She smiled. "Easily. They're one and the same."
"Huh?"
Kim shrugged, but remained silent. I stared at her, waiting for her to explain, but she simply stared back at me. I frowned, thinking of how I should further press the question when I realized what position she was now sitting in.
Kim now knelt atop the bed, with her legs together. She sat on her heels, with her feet pointed directly behind her. Her chin was thrust outward and her hands in front of her as if she were praying. She held the pose and blinked slowly while staring at me.
Kim was in First Position, a slave at the ready for her Master. In this mentality, she wasn't going to say anything without my prompting.
"Ah, shit," I sighed. I didn't want slave Kim right now. I wanted my friend who would actively discuss schoolwork or other things in our personal lives on an ordinary afternoon. We'd started out that way, but as soon as I'd given her the ultimatum, her personality had shifted. And she was going to be a much tougher nut to crack.
Taking a deep breath, I asked, "If given a choice between making yourself happy, and making me happy, which would you choose?"
"There is no difference."
I put my palm to my forehead, rubbing it slowly. "Let's say you wanted to go out and eat pizza, but I wanted to eat burgers. If I ask you, what do you want to eat, what would you tell me?"
"Burgers."
"But what if I didn't tell you I wanted burgers?"
"I'd ask you what you wanted."
"Okay, new topic. What do you want to do right now? For the next five minutes?"
"What do YOU want to do?"
"No, no, no. I'm not telling you anything about me. Tell me what YOU want to do."
"I want to do whatever you want to do."
"ARGH!" I dismounted the bed and paced around the room for a moment. Clearly, Kim was capable of self-direction. She'd gone through most of the past two years without much help, including a long stint completely masterless after Grace dumped her for Adrienne and before Viktoriya picked her up. Even in the past semester, she'd lived under my roof and gone about her daily life with minimal instruction from me and only the occasional visit to Viktoriya. So I couldn't wrap my head around her current stubbornness.
"I'm leaving now. You're on your own. Do whatever you want to do."
Kim bowed her head. "Yes, Master."
Frustrated as hell, I turned and went out the door, shutting it behind me loudly.
"What's wrong?" Dawn asked, ascending the final two steps on the way to join us.
"Uh ... nothing..." I said, waving at Kim's bedroom door.
"Did she not like switching presentation assignments?"
"What? Oh, no. We didn't even talk about that," I muttered.
Dawn arched an eyebrow at me. "What WERE you talking about?"
I looked back at the door, sighing forlornly. "Nothing, really. C'mon, let's go watch the movie."
-- FEBRUARY 2005, JUNIOR YEAR --
"Assume Second Position," I stated quietly, but firmly. Even though I hadn't said it very loud, it was a command and not a mere statement.
Blindfolded, Kim bent forward, folding her arms on top of the mattress and resting her cheek against them while still in a kneeling position. The position thrust her ass into the air, and she separated her knees to open up her crotch. Breathing shallowly, the beautiful Japanese-American babe quieted and waited.
She was beautiful, and yet so fragile. Her skin was pale, used to being covered up by motorcycle leathers. She favored long-sleeved shirts and jeans even when our interminable Berkeley weather let the sun through. And she'd always eaten like a bird, with her ribs making slight indentations in her sides and a distinct lack of padding on her rather bony ass.
I didn't let her fragility slow me down. Experience had taught me that she could take it. And even though the young submissive wasn't into pain, she could endure just about any level of brutal fucking I could give her. Two weeks ago, I made sweet and gentle love to this delicate flower who had put her trust in me. Not today. Today I'd already fucked the shit out of her.
That bony ass was reddened from the repeated impacts of my pelvis against it from our prior fucking. She was covered from head to toe in sweat from the athletic romping around her bedroom we'd already done. And her labia were bright red from the excessive friction of my unrelenting cock pistoning in and out of her cunt.
The crack of her ass glistened a little bit, as my last load of cum had been running out of her pussy and down toward her anus for the past ten minutes or so. I'd stood beside the bed with Kim hanging her head upside-down off the edge, fondling her tits while she sucked me back to hardness and then throat-fucking her a few times just for good measure. In this aggro-mood I was currently in, I felt a carnal thrill every time I saw my cockhead denting out her throat by a full inch from the inside. Now that she'd turned over, what little remained of my cumload was now trickling down her thighs, but there was enough slime coating her rosebud to get me started.
Kim groaned at the pressure of my dick forcing open her sphincter. I didn't enter her; I simply kept my cockhead pressed up against her anus, waiting to see how she would react. Given what I knew about her, she should turn her hips and push me away before actually allowing me entry.
Kim was an anal virgin. I knew this for a fact, although she'd had small vibrators and butt plugs in there before. Like I'd said, Kim wasn't into pain. Whenever I'd spanked her, she wouldn't say "no" exactly, or refuse me. But she would whimper negatively, and a good Master is always cognizant of his submissive's limits.
I was fully aware of this particular limit, but I was getting annoyed. Viktoriya had repeatedly told me that a Master should never issue a command in true anger, because then somebody could really get hurt. But I didn't care. I figured that at least THIS would get Kim to really respond to me.
"Do you want this?" I asked softly, holding myself with the mushroom head stretching her open ever so briefly.
"I am yours, Master," she replied quietly, her voice shallow.
"Do you want this?" I repeated.
"It is not my choice to make," she stated.
It was the same non-answer Kim had been giving me for the past half-hour. I hadn't intended to hammer her quite so hard tonight. It was our Thursday, true. But the past two weeks had been rather more sedate, and more pleasurable for both of us in my estimation.
But I was still trying to figure out what made Kim tick. I didn't comprehend the mentality of a submissive, and thus had some problems truly understanding the mentality needed to be her Dominant. Sure, I had role-played the part with Viktoriya, but all I'd really done then was do whatever the fuck I wanted to her without really thinking about her needs.
"Do I have your permission to enter your ass, Kim?" I asked harshly.
"You do not need my permission to do anything, sir," she replied evenly.
I rolled my eyes. I wanted to think about Kim's needs. But in order to do that, I had to figure out what those needs WERE. Making decisions for her and giving her orgasms she didn't expect just didn't jive with my sense of how people lived their lives in this world. Maybe some people were Utilitarian and maybe some were Egoists. But I just couldn't wrap my head around somebody who just didn't actively seek out their own self-satisfaction at all, or even take action to protect themselves from self-dissatisfaction like this.
Feeling frustrated, I upped the intensity. "I'm going to ravage your tight asshole, Kim. I'm taking my pleasure from your body with no concern for whether you enjoy it or not. I'm gonna fuck you so hard that you won't be able to walk straight in the morning. I may slap your ass a few times along the way, and it might hurt a bit. You okay with that?"
She didn't hesitate. "I am yours to use, Master."
AAARRGH! For more than thirty minutes, she'd stubbornly refused to give me an answer one way or another about what she actually wanted. Every time I asked, she'd simply stated that the choices were all mine. In the beginning, I'd feigned annoyance in the hopes that she would seek to please me and tell me what I wanted to know. But now?
Now I was really annoyed.
And whether I should have made the decision in anger or not, I gripped her hips and pushed myself through.
Keeping her cheek firmly against her folded arms, Kim closed her eyes and forced herself to relax and allow my entry. I wasn't dependent entirely upon my prior cumload for lubrication; I'd coated myself in Astroglide as well. And with short, jabbing thrusts, I managed to push my cockhead through and into her dilated rectum. Once my head was in, I didn't hesitate. I just grabbed onto Kim's hips and rammed my dick all the way up her ass in a single powerful thrust. She screamed at the sudden penetration, feeling almost eight inches of cock invading her bowels.
When I was fully imbedded up her ass, I stopped and planted my hands on the mattress to support my own weight. Kim was breathing hard, but breathing shallowly, just trying to adjust to the foreign presence of such a large body stretching the walls of her anal chute. With her face turned to the side, I could see the tears of pain now rolling down her cheeks.
"I have forcibly taken your last virginity," I growled, trying to sound menacing.
"I am pleased to give it to you," she hummed, a little smile tugging at the corner of her lips despite her continuing tears.
Dammit she was frustrating. Pulling myself back until just the crown was still trapped inside her anus, I swiftly lunged forward with all my weight, piledriving my cock up Kim's backdoor and knocking the wind out of her. Before she could recover, I pulled back and did it again. And again. She was an anal virgin. She didn't like pain. And I knew better than to hammer her this hard, this fast. But I was pretty pissed off.
Having cum once already, I wasn't in any danger of popping off too soon. I didn't try to hold my orgasm back. And I seriously tried to fuck the shit out of her.
"Are you enjoying it rough?" I gasped, not slowing down at all.
"I enjoy it when you enjoy it, Master," she whimpered while panting, a little out of breath from the strain. The teardrops continued to fall.
AAARRGH! I screamed inside in annoyance. And then the sexual creature inside me took over.
It had been a while since I really let loose. I'd had no reason for the rage to take over in over a year. I don't think that Kim had done anything special to set the animal free. Perhaps it was merely the accumulation of many things, annoyances that I hadn't realized were bothering me that had simply built up and built up until they needed to be released.
Whatever the reason, I lost control. I don't remember everything that happened, but I remember a few things.
I remember thrusting like a madman through Kim's anal chute, my eyes on fire and drool dribbling down my chin to splatter across her naked back. I remember the meaty thuds of my bony pelvis meeting her bony ass. And I remember her howling shrieks of pain and pleasure as I pistoned in and out of her distended asshole faster than seemed humanly possible.
The phrase "Take it! Take it!" seemed familiar.
"Cum, bitch, CUM!" also rang a bell.
I remember the exact moment when Kim's body went totally limp, all strength leaving her legs and torso as her spine dropped inward with the force of gravity, her face pitching forward without any resistance from her arms as I literally fucked her flat onto the bed.
I hadn't stopped fucking her, even after she'd passed out. No, I remember that for at least a full minute I continued to saw my cock in and out of Kim's ass, my forceful thrusts pushing her lifeless body into the mattress and letting the bed push her body back at me.
And I remember the blissful release of pressure as I sprayed down her bowels with a diluvial torrent of jism, pouring wave after wave of scalding hot sperm through Kim's colon while I howled my masculine roar of conquest at the sky.
When my consciousness returned to the world of the rational, my cock was still imbedded in Kim's ass. Her eyes were closed and a puddle of drool had formed on the sheets around her face. I was instantly hit with a wave of guilt. My times of losing control with Adrienne and Gwen had taught me that while the girl might not hate me for what I'd done, I'd still gone beyond the point of her consent.
Kissing Kim's cheek tenderly, I whispered my apologies and then slowly withdrew my dick from her ass. She slept peacefully, a smile on her face, which assuaged my guilt some. But as soon as I found strength in my limbs, I went to the bathroom to fetch a warm washcloth with which to wash her up.
Over and over again tonight, Kim had repeated that her body was mine to use for my own pleasure. Even though I had done just that, I still felt a little bad about it. She was right: I was too empathetic. I didn't have the aloofness to really be a Master.
And even more now, I HAD to understand what made her tick.
Kim was still unconscious when I had an epiphany. I'd thought I was being direct enough by asking her simple yes/no questions: Do you want this? Are you enjoying it? Are you okay with this?
But I wasn't being direct enough. "Public" Kim would take enough initiative to socialize at a minimum level and respond when spoken to, even if she didn't start conversations herself. But private, submissive Kim only responded to commands. And I hadn't been commanding her.
Returning to my bedroom, I brought back one of Dawn's favorite toys and thumbed it on. The pink, fleshy plastic hummed to life, and Kim started to stir awake when I slipped it into her recently-fucked cunt.
"Ohhh..." she moaned, still with her eyes closed as the vibrator went to work. I pushed it a little deeper, causing her to breathe a little deeper as well. And when I pulled it out just enough to nudge the nose of it over her clit, I heard the sharp inhalation of a person first waking up.
Reaching my left hand out, I pressed down on her lower back to pin Kim to the mattress, not only informing her of my presence but also establishing dominance. My right hand held the vibrator in her cunt, and leaning over her back, I stated quietly, "We need to talk."
I hadn't asked her a question or commanded her to do anything, so Kim remained silent. Still, her eyes fluttered open. She stared straight forward as she absorbed the situation she was in as well as the pleasant buzzing in her loins.
"Tell me when you first realized you were submissive," I commanded.
Kim hesitated. In all the time we'd known each other, I hadn't delved too deeply into her past. Sure, I'd asked the occasional question, the way anyone inquires into the lives of their friends. But she'd been reticent to share and my reluctance to pry had kept me from finding these things out before.
"Tell me!" I stated more harshly.
"Five years ago," Kim replied in a soft voice. She said nothing further, having answered my question to the letter.
So she was fifteen. "Tell me how you realized it."
"I looked it up on the internet."
Again, she'd given me the answer, but nothing more. "The internet told you that you were a submissive?"
"Yes."
"Explain." It was a command.
"The symptoms seemed to match the way I felt."
Interesting. What little I knew of the whole Dom/sub thing was that a Dominant usually took charge of a submissive and taught them how to live. "Who was your first Master?"
Kim groaned when my hand accidentally shifted the vibrator, but she took a deep breath and answered, "Grace was my first Mistress."
"And she taught you to be a submissive?"
"No," Kim replied quietly. And then without me having to probe further, she added, "I sort of had to learn it myself."
"So Grace wasn't a very good Mistress?"
"She was my friend. She tried. But she didn't understand me."
"So she didn't turn you into a submissive or anything?"
"No. I was already this way."
"For how long?"
"For as long as I can remember."
"You mean that even as a child, you were submissive?"
"Yes."
"Why?" I asked a little too quickly.
Kim didn't answer right away. When I stopped and thought about it, I'd asked a very open ended question off the cuff without really thinking about it. If I wanted to really understand how Kim's psyche had developed, I would need to formulate my question in a more direct way.
But while I was still thinking about how to do that, a single tear rolled down Kim's cheek. She shivered in a way that had nothing to do with the vibrator still humming along. And then to my utter and complete surprise, she reached down and pulled the pink sex toy out of her cunt.
Never mind that I hadn't given her permission to do so. Never mind that she had to pry the vibrator out of my hands to do it. Thumbing it off and quieting the room from its incessant humming sound, she set the toy aside and then curled up into a fetal position. And as the tears began flowing stronger and stronger from her eyes, Kim moaned, "I miss my dad..."
Now I was really confused.
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