Chương 44: The well

Easy solutions versus hard work. All the stories tell us that hard work is more important, that it's more moral. But when looking on real life, it's impossible to not recognise the importance of working smart and being lucky either.

You don't choose your parents, but you probably wish they were rich—unless they already are. The easiest way towards success is having it being spoon-fed by someone. That leaves you with no sense of accomplishment, though—but those starving don't care for stuff like this.

I'm not dying from hunger, but I see no reason to refuse help freely given. As well as no reason to bash my head on the wall when there's an open door just next to me. It wouldn't be being prideful, in my opinion—it would be being stupid. It would be a waste of my time and strength.

In this world, you don't reach success by wasting things—unless you are a monopolist who creates an artificial deficit in order to raise price on his merchandise.

This was why I accepted JJ's help, despite my desire to stand on my own feet. This was why the next morning he leaned a wall of my room, while I sat in my bed, preparing to meditate. I had a rosary in my hands and was playing with it absentmindedly while I listened to JJ speaking.

"It's unnecessary to still your body to leave it with your conscious mind. For now, though, you should be as you are right now, ma chèrie. If you will still feel restless, you might pace instead. Any repetitive activity can help your mind to open. I see that the rosary had been a great success already."

I nodded, distracting myself from studying the enrapturing way JJ's lips move when he spoke to the string of beads in my hand. "Yeah, it was. When my fingers are busy, it's easier for me to concentrate."

"This frees your body, ma chèrie, letting your thoughts to wander. It can be an… interesting experience on its own, but you need to free them too. I think what should help you is a relaxing sound to concentrate on. There's an array of these able to catch your attention just enough that you don't need to think, but not enough to distract you from the present."

The way he intoned the word 'interesting' made me think JJ didn't mean in the context of spiritual searches or meditation. I frowned.

"Where do you even know all this from, JJ? I didn't peg you for a meditation enthusiast."

He chuckled at that, like I said some joke only he could understand. His cat-like eyes shone with mischief even when his shoulders stopped shaking. "My sire, the vampire who made me, was the one to teach me some of that. The rest I learnt on my own as I kept exploring all the possibilities around this phenomenon. It's fascinating, truly, how many ways there are of playing with one's mind even without a use of magic."

My suspicion grew, and my eyes narrowed. What was he not telling me? I didn't like to not be in on a joke. At the same time, I was curious to hear more about JJ's sire. This was the first time I had heard about him!

"Your sire?" I asked, my curiosity winning over my confusion. "Who was he?"

"She," JJ corrected me and clicked his tongue in admonishment. "Ma chèrie, you wanted to meditate, did you not?"

I thought that meditation won't run away from me anywhere, but I also took JJ's words as a sign that he didn't want to tell me. I puffed my cheeks, not happy about it, and then let out this air in a huff.

"Alright, then. Keep your secrets."

JJ gave me a smile that showed off his shining-white teeth and moved back to the topic at hand. His voice lowered.

"Now, ma chèrie, close your eyes and concentrate on the sound of my voice." I did as he said and let JJ's words to wash over me. His voice lowered. "Let it clear your mind… let it free you to feel."

The timbre, the accent, the intonations. They were a caress on my ears whenever he spoke. When he paused for a moment, the silence was a disappointment until he began to talk again, but in French this time.

I didn't understand a single word, but it made it easier for me to focus on the sounds themselves. The slight hoarseness, the way JJ intoned the sentences to break the monotony, the rich sounds of what was my favourite language to listen…

It was so easy to get lost in them. There was only his voice, me, and that moment. My fingers played with the rosary in my hands, but my mind wasn't on them, nor was it anywhere. I was too awake to be asleep, but on some level my current state was akin to a daze. I knew I could've broken out of it so easily. There were thoughts I wanted to think, even now, but I let myself just feel.

Just feel inside myself. My lungs that breathed, my heart that beat, my stomach—not hungering, but not exactly full. And even beyond those…

Was the well.

It expanded and contracted in time with my breathing, a void of pure nothing leading into nowhere and everywhere, like a giant pupil for which I was the eye. I felt it as clearly as I felt my arms, and the shock of it was so great that I opened my eyes with a gasp.

JJ fell silent that instant. His green eyes studied me with concern, but whatever he saw in my face made him smile. "Have you succeeded, ma chèrie?"

I felt my heart racing as I reached to touch my chest. I could still feel the well, and on their own accord, my lips spread in a grin. It was all true. The miracles awaited me on my fingertips.

I jumped up from my bed, raising my hands to the ceiling in pure joy. "Yes!"