Chương 14: TRAUMA

Julien as an actor experienced a lot of things. He was relentlessly bullied for a couple of years and actually had a stalker.

This person wasn't physically showing at his house, but basically dedicated a few years of their life to know every single thing that he did, to know every single detail of his life and to post it online. Some aspects of it got things very serious for him, but in the beginning he didn't want to admit that it happened and vehemently denied that anything was wrong.

The bullying started pretty early on in his career. He heard a lot of criticism about himself and his acting. He existed in the entertainment circle and it invited all sorts of opinions. Most of it was nice and positive things, but there was also this darker side of the internet. There was a hate forum made for people who followed him online. People were writing the most horrible and disgusting things and were hating him for no reason. They hated him for being happy, hated him for being sad or hated him for existing and it was all public.

The point when it became really unbearable and ramped up in seriousness was when one person in particular posted a lot about topics that were really severe. This person was spreading confidential news mixed with rumors and vicious lies about his relationships and personal life.

The disturbing phone calls and treating massages became his daily life. The stalker was always invisible and never left a trace while taking pictures just a few meters from Julien. There were moments when something exceptionally personal happened to him and within a couple of hours this person would know and then the internet would also know.

People were acting like detectives and were trying extremely hard to find every 'dirty' secret, but all these things weren't dirty secrets, they were factual information about him.

It wasn't just like bullying anymore and was honestly horrifying.

Julien felt like if he didn't admit to himself that he was being bullied and hurt by people's words then the situation wasn't real.

He was running away from this for so long that it eventually did hurt him very much.

This level of trauma started manifesting itself in his day-to-day life and he couldn't ignore the problem anymore. He was breaking down and literally couldn't function as a person anymore.

He couldn't trust anybody. Everyone in the world was an enemy, because he didn't know who was harassing him. Whenever he was having meltdowns or something difficult happened and he needed someone to rely on, he couldn't reach or talk to anybody.

Julien isolated himself.

Dealing with it took hold on him and he couldn't relate to his audience. When his fans told him that they loved him or loved his work and films he was starring in, he couldn't believe it. He was so traumatized that it didn't sound true.

It wasn't that he hated acting, he hated the negativity that popularity brought, because it made him doubt himself all the time and he couldn't keep up with the pressure and expectations.

He felt worthless and was chased to a corner where he didn't want people to look at him and just wanted to be alone.

The reasons why he was that way didn't sit right with Julien. Even though he was still depressed and hurt so much from the bullying, he forced himself to go on.

Julien despised feeling worthless and feeling like he failed.

He formed a new defense mechanism and distanced himself as much as possible from who he was on the internet. To protect himself he came up with an extremely superficial version of himself that he presented in public, but because of that he didn't show a genuine side of him and was lacking every part of his personality that he loved showing.

Julien wasn't able to show being happy or being excited. He stopped talking about his true interests and about himself except for the most cursory scraps.

He felt empty, but still rejected the idea of being a failure and was obsessed with proving to himself that everything was okay.

Julien was continuing to create even when he hated himself the most.

Looking back it was shocking that he was able to continue to function in the public eye while not admitting that he had a problem.

Julien didn't know back then that it was a completely normal response to the trauma to become completely dissociated with himself.

When Julien found out who this stalker was, it was really shocking and he didn't know what he was feeling. He took a couple of weeks to process it and as he was processing it, he noticed that his anxiety and sense of dread was slowly slipping away. It was like the spell was broken.

All of sudden when he read comments or direct messages from fans telling him that they loved his work it started to feel real again, because this facelles mass of negativity and hatred finally had a face.

He wasn't scared of everyone anymore and this person lost all the power over him. The second they losted thier anonymity, they couldn't command his life.

The entire hate forum didn't matter as much to him. Once he overcame the biggest monster in the closet then the rest of it he could overcome too.

Julien didn't stop being scared of opening up again, but was finally able to try.

He started to be more comfortable with who he was as a person.

He also went to therapy and it wasn't only for the bullying, but also for trauma.

Julien felt that he was in the place where he was ready for growth and to go on a journey of self discovery and self recovery.

One day he had a huge wave of realization that for the past few years he put on a mask and performed for the people who hated him out of fear and gave them his life. Once he started to understand why he was traumatized he could work on it with a new perspective and solve the problem.

Julien regained his power and became a person who he was before. He moved on and there was nothing that could stop him from being himself.

He was truly thankful for those experiences.

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