Chương 26: chapter 25 (?)
The more time I spend with Jasper and his family, the more my memories seem far away. It's not like they are gone or I didn't live them, its more like this is a dream or something magical. The problem with dreams is you have to wake up and when your eyes open to the nightmare you live all you can do is kick yourself for believing you were safe, happy or loved for even just a little while. I couldn't sleep last night, with every ounce of confidence I gain from working with Jasper, a new problem seems to swallow my mind.
I have been with the Cullen's for some time, a few months at least, nearly a year. Master is still in the hospital but my fame actually became quite the complication. It seems so long since I was on stage, for a little while after the accident it was quiet about me. Everyone expected I would take time off, now the internet wants me to come back to the stage but I have been...reluctant. I try to ignore the comments about how I have fallen under the pressure of being a rising star, how I should pick a different label to sign too, other things like that. I can't go into public and haven't since the accident. It's not that I forgot what it was like or as if I don't want too...It's just not safe anywhere but here. Master may be recovering but there will always be others, dangers that take girls like me. I am safe with Jasper and the Cullen's, I'm not safe out there.
There is still a lot of love coming from people who like my music, even though my popularity in magazines and such has faded due to the length of time I've been away, I still have a good following of people who want my music and I want to see the letters again, I want to make music again, I just don't want to be out there. I'm too vulnerable to be there for these people, I've never had to be there for anyone before, my only responsibility has been my own safety for so long. I have been checking social media on a phone Rosalie got me. Our relationship is distant but it is there, she pities me for sure and its possible she actually isn't bothered by me which from what I have gathered is a pretty positive thing. I feel like every time I take a step further, there is a new wall blocking me.
"Something wrong?" Jasper asks sitting across from me on the sofa. We have the t.v playing but neither of us are really watching it, I am on my phone and he is switching between focuses. Sometimes he stares at the wall, other times at me, sometimes he'll change the channel and watch for a bit.
"No, nothing important. I just kind of wish I could perform again ya'know? Or interact with the people who like my music...but honestly I don't feel safe there or anywhere really. My master may still be in the hospital but there are always others and once master gets out...I don't know what happens then."
His face grows serious and dark. It's like he has been tormented by this, these thoughts in the back of my mind about the reality. This time of peace with Jasper and the Cullen's is temporary, it won't last. Eventually something will happen. I won't be able to stay here, but I won't go back to my master. Once he recovers, perhaps a while beforehand, I will have to leave the Cullens home and try my best to disappear- thats why, even if I wasn't afraid of everyone out of this house, I could never go into a career like singing. I can never get caught by him and as long as he lives that will be a threat. I haven't told Jasper or the others, I have hardly thought about it because it affects my mood and I can't sulk around Jasper. It's not possible, I don't know if it is his powers or if he just naturally makes me feel happy and safe. I feel that way with the Cullen family, they put in a good amount of effort to keep me safe, from themselves as well. Some times are more difficult than others but they try, even Rosalie tries to be less confrontational. Like I said before- they are simply...good.
"I would never let anyone hurt you Konaka. It wouldn't happen. You can do anything you want too...and you have a wonderful voice. I'll admit I don't know much about music. I'm not musically inclined like Edward but you are the only singer I think I enjoy. Your music is...calming to me much of the time. If it is what you love to do, I promise you I'll help you get there safely." His intensity burns into me, I don't know hat to say. I can't agree because I can't stay for reasons he doesn't know about. The sincerity is heartwarming and heartbreaking. All I would have to do is say 'say' and I could keep living in this fantasy with him but I know all too well that they will come for me if they know I'm with other vampires. I'd be considered stolen property. It's one thing to lose your property, its another to have stolen and that is exactly how it would look to Class S- they are a team that locates and settles disputes between slave owners, like mean and violent lawyers. Most of their cases are for stolen slaves won in gambling matches from sore losers, but they aren't to be trifled with. Many of them were scouted by the vultori for their gifts. If I'm on my own, they won't pursue me even if Master begs them, it will be his own fault for losing me and doesn't involve them but If i'm here with the Cullens, a vampire coven who happens to house me after the accident of my human master...well it looks like a classic case or stolen goods to them. Master is recovering and Carlisle doesn't have the belief in killing him, even if he is undeserving of life. I would kill him if I had the chance, at least I am pretty sure I could. Or I could before I suppose, before I met Carlisle and Esme and Bella, all three of them have insanely pure hearts, they are compassionate and forgiving. the thought of disappointing them would stop me now. Edward, Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper all have the same sense or respect and care towards the opinions of those three.
They talk when they think I am asleep about what to do, they argue over it. What to do with master, with the knowledge of the slave trade. They brought up bringing in the Vultori once but that option was tabled, along with the one that involved the human legal system, which Carlisle was in favor of. The problem with it is that it draws attention to me. I would have to go through too many human investigations, they would see to many scars they wouldn't be able to identify. That would bring the Vultori here for the wrong reasons. Rosalie thinks the Vultori would be unwise because it would be presenting yet another human who knows of their world, its more likely they would try to kill me than do anything about the trade. They are at a standstill as far as I know. Jasper, Edward and Rosalie want to kill master while he is still recovering, Esme and Carlisle want to try to work the human route in their favor and Bella has acted as the voice of the present, she's kept the arguments from breaking out by reminding everyone there isn't a rush. I'm safe with them and my human master couldn't go to the Volturi with anything without exposing himself. She also offers the idea of turning me but that too is tabled since it fixes none of the current dilemmas. Regardless, her reminders that nothing is urgent tend to help settle any rising tensions that Jasper doesn't seem to quell.
Jasper doesnt ask again, he knows I heard him. He does however switch to a concerned expression as the moments stretch on without a response. He closes the distance between us, he sits so close to me I can smell his shirt. His arm hangs over the back of the sofa and he looks at me, his brows drawn down and his eyes seeking even the slightest change in my face.
"Uh, Thank you Jasper..." My lackluster response hangs in the air of his intensity, he doesn't break his stare at me. He doesn't say anything more for awhile, he just studies me and I try to keep my emotions in check. I remind myself to live in the moment and not in the future or past. I keep staring at my hands in my lap, hoping my hair will give me some cover. The knowledge that he is staring at me makes me blush scarlet, his intense looks tend to do that to me. They make me feel...positively embarrassed. I mean that I like the embarrassing attention a little and his face is always so close when he does it I feel like I am made of a thumping metal. I hold on to that weird feeling I'm afraid to name, I want to keep it with me for right now, the burning heat of my body keeps me present, keeps my secrets safe even if I am disgusting.
It is many minutes before he relaxes his face, brushes my hair back and looks at me with a different intent. A smile plays on his lips, I can tell he doesn't want me to know he knows what I'm feeling. I know he doesn't want me to feel it. I looked it up once, after it had happened a few times, I feel guilty for feeling aroused, for inviting it even. I have never felt this sort of thing before. I've seen sex before, often, but I've seen how it hurts and I can't fathom how sick and twisted I must be to physically desire anything like that from Jasper. I remember master...the way he touched me, the way he hurt me. I don't want to be in pain with Jasper. I don't want him to hurt me. I feel so conflicted and like my own body is tricking me. I'm not sure whats happening to me and it makes me want to cry for a thousand different reasons. The thought of Jasper wanting to hurt me that way hurts, thinking he doesn't want me hurts, remembering the pain hurts and feeling absolutely disgusting because my body is aching hurts. Everything is hurting and everything is disgusting. I am disgusting when my body acts like this.
He leans back as I lose control over my composure. I tried to keep from thinking about how I feel but I couldn't control the fear and disgust that rolls of of my skin. I feel tears threaten to leave my eyes, This is not a 'positive embarrassed' moment anymore. I glance at his face to see that it has changed dramatically from that charming amusement to serious and distant, somewhat disgusted as well.
"I'm g-going to go shower." I mumble as I escape his gaze and turn my face even further from his. I quickly get off the couch and walk towards the bathroom. As soon as I am out of sight, tears roll down my cheeks and I bite my lip to keep from making noise and I feel my nose twitch as I force my breathing to stay normal. I quickly turn on the cool water and undress. I look at myself in the mirror, tear streaked and littered in small scars. I'm lucky in a lot of ways compared to the girls I knew, I wasn't tortured the same ways they were but that doesn't mean I wasn't punished for missing a dance step or hitting the wrong piano key. I have scars from whips, full hand marks from smacks that broke my skin, branding and carvings. I remember once, and this was the most painful because it was so everlasting, when a master was bored of my talents and was in the mindset to kill me if none of his friends wanted me, sat idly and burned designs in my skin with an unfolded paperclip and a lighter. He drew swirls on my side and he took so much time making them. Each one had to be the exact same depth and shade of burn as the others. I could do nothing but sit in paralyzing pain as he complimented the smell of my burning flesh. I see the whip marks from my back cross into the swirls. I can remember getting every single scar. Every single mark on my body is so visible in my embarrassingly red skin. I was under the impression, for so long, that a slave like me isn't to desire, we are only meant to fill the desire of others. What does this sickening feeling say about me? I know I am not a slave any more, I know things are different out here but how different and how could I even think about this kind of thing about Jasper, how could I ever think myself so deserving and so selfish to desire anything more than his time. I am even further disgusted and sit in the bottom of the shower. I let my tears flow freely but still find myself quivering to keep my breathing from changing. I've never tried to hide my cries before, there was never a reason because my masters always knew. I know it's impossible to think that Jasper, especially Jasper, doesn't know the deep hatred running through me, even he was disgusted by me. I remember the slight disgust in his eyes as I left, It burns my mind and I can't help but suck in one of many deep and uneven breathes.
Authors note:
Just a reminder that sex is completely normal, rape is not. You should not be afraid to be aroused, you are worthy and beautiful no matter how you look or whatever has happened to you. Konaka has only ever seen or experienced rape and doesn't understand the difference between rape and consensual sex. I know many people in real life has experienced sexual assault and have struggled with identifying positive thoughts with sex. This is also a normal thing to happen if you have experienced something sexually traumatic. Sexual desire is normal and it is not bad or disgusting if you have it. It is also not shameful or weird if you don't. Additionally, your needs and desires in a sexual relationship matter, you should not have to hide or 'earn' the ability of open desire. Anyway I hope you guys are enjoying the story, stay safe y'all.
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