Chương 22: Chapter 21- Jasper

I should buy Emmett and Edward gifts, something to thank them for their bet. Without it, who knows how long I would wollow in my own odd hopeful denial. I wanted this truth so much but I couldn't bring myself to beleive it, that it could be possible, that I wasn't fooling myself. That she could have actually felt the same attraction to me as I to her. I knew how I felt because of my ability, I knew we could have a strong bond but she is human, she is far more hurt than I am and in a situation that I must let her heal through. She had to get to know me, she had to learn the likeness between us and then decide about me as a mere friend, much less as a lover. She did not have the same automatic draw as I did. The moment I felt her, I knew. And at that time, I felt a deep urgency to get her out of there...to make her feel safe. I didn't have an alteror motive then. I knew I connected to her but I hadn't expected anything more than that jarring one sided loneliness. I figured we would help the human and she would leave to continue her life, that was to be expected, I would simply have learned how lonely my mind is. But then she lived with us, she and I laughed together, talked together and I was so so cautious not to get to close, not to frighten her or reminder her of the villains in her past and of the villian I once was. Yet even when that slipped through in my humor, she was never afraid of me. I tried so hard to keep tabs on her emotions but they often were identical to mine and I wouldn't be able to decipher them. Slowly I grew to feel more strongly for her little quirks, it wasn't just shared scars and living in the inbetween that held me. She is funny in the way she evades attention, in her shyness, she is observant and oddly serious in an attractive and strong way. She is beautiful, I never really seen humans as beautiful before now. She is kind though I know it is a strange thing to her, whenever she catches herself worrying over another she blushes a deep pink and I can see her feel amazed at herself, how she enoys to learn and progress. We have spent nights talking about her parents, I can see hw she loved them, I can feel her pain and her loss but she doesn't feel consumed by hatred. Rosalie once was and still is at those who hurt her. It is the one trait I truely understood of hers, when you are trying to survive a time, an endless hurt, sometimes the only way to get through is to hate. I expected hate from Konaka, When we met, it was there. I felt it grow each time we met and thats how I knew above all else that she was trapped with that bastard. Yet now, or since she has arrived, the only time she has felt such venomous hate would be 5 minutes after her nightmares ended. Since she has held no hatred, though I feel perhaps she is strong enough to chose hurt. That is a very difficult thing to do, to chose to not allow yourself to fall. She wants to be the person her parents raised, not the monster cages can create. I realized how I cared for her. But I couldn't be sure it was reciprocated. Technically, I still can't. Edward bet Emmett a 'car of their choice' that she held interest for me. Of course Emmett started the bet, after I spoke to my family about this situation. Esme says the tension between us is electric and that she is overjoyed by this, Rosalie- after all we have been through with Bella- truly has been reserved on the matter. Though I can feel how complex her feelings are, she doesn't want to express them to me, afraid she may someday regret the words. Emmett thinks I am delusion and that it would be far to complex given her past but otherwise approves and hopes to have another Bella- like addition to the family. Edward know what this means to me and shares how love changed his world and how he is happy for me to finally be understood. Carlisle was as supportive as Edward and had these proud fatherly feelings, I've seen him feel them towards Edward and Bella. That is a comforting sign, to think I could possibly have even a fraction of the happiness that Edward and Bella have achieved. Since I was reborn I never imagined being with anyone like Konaka, someone better than me, someone who not only connects to me but makes me feel worthy of existing, of changing. She humanizes me without making me out to be someone I can never be. I decided to settle my brothers bet and decided to become closer than normal with Konaka. Typically I stay a good distance away but today I would get close to her, I would be able to feel the warmth of her body next to mine.I observed her, I didn't and never do want to make her uncomfortable. She has been through so much and I never want to be a source of fear for her. When her heartbeat picked up I thought for sure I had overstepped and any hope I had crumbled within me. It was so odd when I saw her confused face tell me I wasn't making her uncomfortable. I began to wonder if it truly were possible for her heartbeat to be so loud and fast out of a positive reaction to me. I wanted so much to tell her everything, to care for her without hesitation as I have waited for so long for someone like her. However, I couldn't do something so jarring to her. She is still in a very frightening situation, the last thing she needs is to bee weighed down by the confusion of a relationship with me. I want her to be ready, I want her to be safe and secure when she chooses me. I will help her as she needs, I will be there and I will love her in all the ways she could desire love from me but I won't press Konaka, I want to be in her life but I know that she needs to be the center of her world right now. I can't try to share the spotlight of her mind until her emotional wounds have scarred over and there is room for me there.