Chương 20: Chapter 19
The nightmares are frequent but Jasper is always there. Esme doesn't stray to far either. Everyone is so kind and caring here, even Rose. She may not act it, but she isn't uncaring. She is vain but this is merely a character trait, not her whole self.
I've seen many like her, have seen many like her. Girls who had everything once upon a time but found their way into the trade. Sometimes, when you feel you are undeserving of your situation, you throw it out at the world. You make a point to express that you don't deserve what has been done to you, that you were not evil enough for this to be fated. A girl I enjoyed to watch dance acted very much like Rose, she didn't live long but she was a spot of color in the gloom. She was course and rude and entitled...but she was confident. She knew what she wanted, what she felt she deserved. I'm not sure what she beleived she was entitled too before entering our cage but all the times I saw her she demanded human decency. Things like proper clothes, proper food, she'd complain about how she was to talented or to beautiful to be here. Frankly, she was both beautiful and talented; just because she was well aware of it, didn't make it untrue. However, at the core, I think she was angry because she didn't feel she had done anything wrong enough to deserve her treatment here. It wasn't about beauty or talent, she would have those anywhere she went. It was about the loss of something everyone deserves-freedom, security, dreams.
Rose may seem difficult but something was stolen from her that was seemingly garenteed to her - death. She had an expectation all her life only for it to be stolen away along with any hopes that came with being human. It may seem petty to some, but I understand why she would resent it all. Her life was halted before even a single dream of hers came true, and she was even given the gift of an escape. Instead you are forced to watch others live, reach her simple dreams and die. Sure she has found greatness and perservered beyond those restrictions but her dreams, what was taken, is forever lost to her. It's like having a wonderful mother and dreaming of the day she will hold your baby, finding out your finally going to have a baby and then your mother suddenly falls ill and dies, then your baby doesn't survive the first 24 hours after delivery and you find out you can never have a baby. You still live but those dreams are dead, your mother is out of your reach, having a baby is out of your reach and you know you will never have either one, something so common for everyone around you that it was more expectation that hope or dream but then it's just gone forever. Rosalie is strong, sure she is arrogant and vain but her beauty is the only thing she still has from before. If she can put her confidence in nothing else, it is that as long as she exists, she is beautiful and she is garenteed it. she lost the garentee of death, she lost the dream of a child, of motherhood and elderly times, but she has her beauty.
She has Emmett too, and her family, even if they annoy her, they make this dreamless exsistance less miserable for her. Emmett has given her all that he can, weddings, I gathered are Rosalies favorite part of this charade. It's one thing she could have had in life too. Emmett must have felt like a gift to her, like someone who could lessen the cold darkness inside a frozen existance. It took me a while to appreciate their relationship, but I do now. Jasper helps me see them clearer than before, they are not a perfect match for each other. They are not similar, but they are loved for who they are and their pains are soothed and accepted. It's something I've never seen before meeting Jasper and the Cullens. Edward and Bella are soulmates, it's like they were made to meet and to love and to complete each others desolate worlds but Emmett and Rosalie they weren't. Rosalie has to fight everyday to see the brightside in her existance, she finds it in this family and in Emmett. Emmett loves life, loves immortality too but Rosalie gives him something he didn't have, perspective. They have to try to work together for the love they share, it's not love at first sight or stars aligning. Their relationship is like loving someone who loves you in the middle of a messy world, being better because of someone else and working hard to keep the joy the other creates. They have to try harder than anyone else here and the biggest testement of their love is that they chose to fight the same beautiful battle everyday for eternity.
I'm not sure rather I want a love so uparrelled and right as Edward and Bella or a love we show everyday by having to fight for it, I'm not sure why the question even came up in my mind. I'm not sure why Jaspers face accompanies this thought of love, though my heart has begun to rush at the thought of loving him. I feel so comfortable with him but to actively think about something romantic it's so new and so beyond anything I understand. It makes me feel eagar and petrified and as if I long for it. To imagine myself and Jasper in the same situation as Edward and Bella, Rosalie and Emmett or Esme and Carlisle- it feels almost wrong to imagine myself there. Beside Jasper, yes I'd like that always but as a lover...I just don't fool my imagination enough for that. When I try to picture him and I romantically, it's like he's crystal clear and I'm a blurry figure. I'm whats wrong with the picture, I'm not made for love, I'm broken and any relationship with me would never mirror any of them or my parents. Like Rosalie, a normal love is lost to me as well. It's not as if this hypothetical scenerio holds any merit, no man, especially Jasper, could ever harbor anything more than platonic concern for me. It's bold of me to even try to imagine Jasper next to me like that, but he is the only one I seem to be able to recall with such detail, the only face who can stay clear in my mind.
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