Chương 147: The Salacious Book of Secrets

Sammy can't tell the difference, but I can.

Surprisingly, there are many interesting artifacts and books to be found here in this little shop out in the magic market's fringes.

Many of them are absurdly undervalued regarding their price goes.

No prank artifacts whatsoever. This shop is the real deal... and I don't think the owner even knows it.

He seems nice as far as Dewhurstians go, even if he's a seedy-looking hunchback. He wears ill-fitting slacks and a black robe the likes of which a slave might wear.

Like most of the mages we've talked to today, Igor didn't react much when learning I only speak through magical text, too.

Sammy ends up chatting with this so-called Eager Igor while I browse the nearby shelves. He ends up going on about his personal history, and I find it quite intriguing. "Yeah, for a long time, I was a manservant to a renowned mage. Pretty famous. You might've even heard of him. Called himself Topmost Pinnacle; the Epitome."

"He sounds like he's a massive douchebag." Sammy comments.

"He WAS a massive douchebag," Igor confirms, scratching a wart on his hideous, deformed chin. "Went on and on about how he was the best mage in Karnalle but, uh. That didn't stop him from bleeding out when I stabbed him in the heart and twisted the knife."

His words make me uncomfortable. Fleetfoot had a knife. Fleetfoot-

No. Stop, Zutiria. Focus...

"So you just straight up killed the fucker?"

"Oh yeah."

"Dude, nice." Sam offers a fist bump to Igor, but this triggers a flinching response from the troubled hunchback, who recoils from her raised fist.

"N-NO DON'T HIT ME-" Igor screams.

"Shit- you ok...?" Sam opens her hand and apologetically and shows him she means no harm.

"Yeah... sorry... uh... yeah. He kidnapped me from my family, experimented on me for years, turned me into a dude for no reason, and made me his hunchback slave. Beat me up every time I asked why I couldn't be a girl anymore, but all he said was every Igor had to be a boy. I think I was like... the eighth one he went through? Yeah."

"Wait, did you just say you were a-"

Igor waves his... her(?) hand dismissively and says, "Don't worry about it. I'm still figuring that part out now that I'm free of his shit. Boy, girl, that doesn't really matter to me right now. Gotta worry about surviving first. Once I'm more well off, I can look into undoing all the shit he did to me. I do miss being cute, though..."

'I must admit, you've been through a lot. I'm glad you got out of it' I smile at Igor, feeling a bit more at ease in their presence, knowing that they're a girl.

"It's a marketing tactic." They laugh, and I sense a bit of a girly cadence to their deep voice upon listening closer.

'So I take it you're just selling off your Master's private collection, then?' I ask.

"Only a tiny fraction..." Igor sighs and looks around at the small tent. "My former master lived in a castle pretty far out of town, and it's full of monsters. I, uh, didn't know he rigged it so that if he was ever killed, his experiment's cages were all set to open themselves. It's super fucking dangerous there, like holy shit. I sneak in every now and then to steal new crap to hawk, but I barely make it out with my life."

"That sounds like a quest...!" Sammy lights up and slams her fists on the counter.

'That sounds like we already have a lot of shit on our plates, and we can save the egotistical wizard castle for a few months down the line.' I remind her and bop her on the head with my staff.

"You guys are with the local Guild, then? Thought that place closed down." Igor tilts their head, causing their neck to crack in a thousand different painful sounding places. I wish I knew any sort of healing magic to help them out, and I'm not the right person to ask about undoing curses in general. I'm more interested in casting them, not in fixing them. That's usually white magic anyway, which I do not dabble in. A skilled hexer can undo their own hexes, but another mage's curses might as well be in a different language.

Regardless, there is value in being nice to Igor. If I'm friendly, they might give me free magical things and allow me access to their former Master's castle. I would feel wrong just stealing from them instead of how I'd feel stealing from any of the other stalls we've gone through today...

'The Guild is not closed. It's just a shithole.' I correct them.

"Fair." Igor nods their head. "I wouldn't mind a bit of help down the line, but yeah. It ain't for no low-ranking adventurers, I'd bet. My former Master had all kinds of alchemical chimeras he experimented on and kept as pets. He even had some weird... otherworldly squiggly things, kinda hard to describe, but just looking at em gives me the heebie-jeebies."

...

Breath. Stop. Breath. Stop. Think of Sir... think of Sammy... Meri... Opal... everyone... Stop. Stop. Stop.

"Zuzu?" Sam leans over to look at me.

'Yes?' I respond quickly.

"...Nevermind. It's nothing. Just thought you weren't doing so hot there for a sec."

'I'm fine.' I lie and move towards the furthest bookshelf from the counter, out of Sammy and the owner's views.

That's a shame. I wanted to eventually visit that castle, but now there's nothing that could ever make me set foot in it. Maybe by that time, we'll have more adventurers, and they can clear out the castle while I just stay home...

Sammy continues talking with Igor while I try to clear my mind by looking through the books. Pretty good selection of arcane grimoires. Although there are a few rare volumes mixed in here and there, I can't find anything that matches my particular interests or which I haven't already read before.

If I had to guess, I doubt Igor could make it back to where their former Master kept the really rare books.

But then... I see it.

At first, I think that it can't possibly be what I think it is. There's no way this book is genuine. If it was, it would have been hidden and guarded better than anything else in the entire castle. Yet... I've seen fake copies of this tome before. This one has none of the hallmarks that would clearly point it out as a forgery.

The book is red and pink, with a faded and worn cover torn from centuries or perhaps even millennia of use. A heart-shaped sigil appears on both the back and the front cover, only on the front the heart has a male symbol at its center, and the back has a female one.

I open it up and confirm it to be real with my own eyes.

The biggest mistake that the forgeries all make is absent. The pages are all blank, exactly how they should be.

Most copies have basic spells and runes and alchemical recipes in the same magic field, but the real book only reveals its power slowly to the user.

"Oh, you found that old thing?" Igor approaches me from the side, as does Sammy.

I need to choose my words carefully. Like I always do.

'What is it, exactly?'

"Master wasn't ever sure. He bought it at an outrageous price, I remember but was shocked when all the pages were blank. He, uh, beat me up with it while mumbling some racist slurs how you should never trust a Gnome... then he used it to prop up a table in the kitchen. Creaky leg, y'know? Like me." Igor sighs while lifting up the sleeve of their pant leg. I genuinely wish I did not see the sights I just bore witness to, but my mind is elsewhere.

Sammy, however, almost throws up upon seeing Igor's gratuitously disturbing leg-flesh.

"I'm sorry, shit, It's not your fault..." Sam hangs her head and turns away.

"Nah, you're good. I'm used to it..."

'I'll give you 500G for it.'

"Are you serious?" Igor looks at me as if they can't believe I actually offered money for the thing. Perfect.

'Yes. Everything here is lovely, and I expect we'll be back eventually to check your wares, but alas. Today we only brought along pocket change. It would be a crime to leave with nothing, not after you were so kind and shared your tragic history with us, Igor.'

"You sure you want that, Zuzu? It's just a fuckin' blank book. What could-" I glare at Sammy and make it very clear that she will surely regret it if she doesn't shut her pretty little mouth like a good girl.

Igor thinks to themself for a minute, blinking their mismatched eyes one at a time and cradling their chin in their nasty, burnt, and scarred hand. "I mean, you two are really nice. Haven't said a single thing about how I look, and as far as I can tell, you two didn't bring any pitchforks with you. If you only have 500G, I could give you a discount on something up to 1,000G if you want...?"

'No, that's quite alright. Sam. Money. Now.' I begin briskly walking away with the book in my hand. 'It was very nice to meet you, but the day has been long, and I now must rest.'

"Z-Zuzu?" Sammy hands Igor their gold as I run away, clutching the priceless tome to my chest before they can question it.

"Um, bye! I hope you can visit again soon...?" Igor calls out to me as I get further and further away.

Igor will be fine. I'll buy more stuff from them when I have more money. Plenty of their other wares were worth a fair amount of gold. I'll make up for it somehow. I promise.

But I need this.

I need it more than I've ever needed anything.

Sir will NEVER get rid of me so long as I have this book.

Sammy pants after running up to me and clutching my shoulder. "Zuzu, what the fuck...?!"

I grab Sammy by the collar of her tunic and give her a delicate kiss on the lips. I don't even care who's watching.

Sammy blushes and stutters before shaking it off, taking the book from my hands, and opening it. "How much is this shit actually worth...?" She raises an eyebrow

'I don't think they make numbers high enough to estimate its exact worth.'

"...Zuzu, are you fucking shitting me? We could sell it in Imperalis or something, and all of Boss's money problems would be over forever!" She lights up in joyous glee before I bonk her head with my staff for being too simple-minded. I rip the book back out of her hands and hug it tightly up against my chest where it belongs.

'Never. You don't understand the power of this book, Sammy. In time, you shall...'

"...Alright, you got me. What the fuck is it supposed to be?"

'This is the definitive manual to an ancient and arcane school of sorcery that was lost to the ages. We can thank another one of your ancestors for that one, by the way. Henri the Vigorless was only King for a year before his younger brother usurped him, but the damage he did was irrevocable.'

"Right. Cool. Of course, my family is involved in whatever random bullshit you pick up off the shelf."

'I've read a couple of forgeries of this exact same book, but they were mere imitations. About the only useful thing, I found in them was the Rune of Safe Passage among a couple of other things, but they were only flawed perversions of the real thing.'

"...Waaaaait a second. If you learned THAT in a book like this, then..."

'Sammy. This is the Eronomicon- the key to unlocking Eromancy.'

"...Huh. Welp. Guess I understand why he was called Henri the Vigorless, now."