Chương 8: CHAPTER 8
My eyes looked at him and back at that pile.
"What? I told you I had a lot to complete. I can be busy, you know. Don't get all judgmental on me."
I didn't know if that was a joke but I definitely wanted to laugh.
We started with an essay our English teacher had assigned to us a few weeks ago. We had to write about a dream we had.
I had too many. But I chose to write about becoming a psychologist.
Today, cancer was an illness people spent years on to find it's cure. But there were many more mental illnesses that took away people's life. Depression is one of them.
At least those with cancer had the will to live. But the depressed ones don't even have that.
Xavier's dream was to grow older.
"Growing older is a privilege not many people get and I want that."
It wasn't unexpected but I really was taken aback. I didn't know what was going on in his mind but at least this gave me a little insight into it.
"And why do you think you won't get that privilege, Xavier?"
I needed to know the reason behind his will to not live anymore.
I was going crazy thinking about all the various reasons and I had to know why.
"I mean, life is unexpected, you know? One second you are completely alright and the next you are lying dead and cold on the floor."
I wish what he said was a joke but he was dead serious. Silence was the only thing exchanged for the next hour. I didn't know what to speak after everything he'd said.
After a few serious hours of studying, we took a break for some time. It was around 12, so we decided to have our lunch. We ordered two burgers with fries and some coke.
I decided to begin our conversation once again. I didn't like the quietness that had filled our minds.
"How's your mum doing, Xavier? I haven't gotten a chance to talk to her since our project
last semester."
I had met her a few times when we were doing that project together at his house. She is a happy woman and an even better mother.
"She's happy. She does get really stressed sometimes because of the inconsistency of the source of living but she's doing pretty good. One of the reasons I started working was to take off the load she had been carrying for years. How's your family?
The personal problems I'd told Xavier about were my dad's deteriorating health. He was diagnosed with Coronary heart disease. I didn't want to tell him about the seriousness about it because I, myself hadn't accepted it.
"My dad is good. He had a few heart complications a few months ago but now he's doing much better. Luna, my elder sister is doing her third year for a veterinary degree and she's loving it."
He asked the one question I badly hoped he wouldn't.
"How's your mum?"
That was a question even I asked myself sometimes. How was she? We rarely talked so I had no idea what was going on in her life and she didn't know anything about mine.
"She's fine. I'm not really sure."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, that I'm the daughter she never wanted."
"Oh, I'm sure she doesn't feel that."
I wanted to laugh at that. When I was a kid, I used to wake up every day hoping that all this was just a nightmare. That her not loving me was just an imagination I had made up in my mind.
I stopped hoping for that now. I have accepted that I live in a nightmare that I made for myself.
"I'm sure, she would prefer her son to be alive instead of me."
"You have a brother!?"
Oh yeah. I forgot, not many people knew about Preston.
"Had. Preston and I were twins. He passed away a few days after we were born. My mum always blamed me for his death."
"Do you blame yourself?"
I never blamed myself for Preston's death. That was his fate. But I did blame myself for not being the daughter my mum wanted.
"I don't blame myself, exactly. But if I got the chance to switch with him that day then I would gladly die. At least this way my mum would be happier."
Xavier's face remained the same after my sad revelation but I saw it.
His eyes held that pity. I despised anyone pitying me.
But when it came from him, it didn't feel like he was mocking me.
And I liked that.
"I don't think Preston would want that. After all, you are his little sister, aren't you?"
"Maybe… How are your sisters?"
Hazel and Olivia were Xavier's 5-year-old twin sisters. They were absolutely adorable. With their brown hair tied into pigtails and their green eyes, just like Xavier's, they looked like two dolls.
"They're fine; They're not getting along with each other recently. If I'm with Hazel then Olivia doesn't like that and vice versa."
I knew that he was a good brother. The way he spent all his free time with them and how he was the father figure the girls never had, proved how much of a responsible brother he was.
"They adore you; they are proud to call you their brother."
"I don't know; sometimes I feel that they are better off without me in their lives. I'm not the ideal role model for them, you know?"
My heart clenched when he said that. He felt that he had failed as a brother when he was one of the best ones out there. He didn't know that he was worthy and I wanted him to know that he deserved the world.
He deserved to live.
Because he was worthy.
He was loved.
"I don't believe that's true; The only thing they need from you is to be there. You are the type of brother I wish I had. I mean, do you even know how loved you are in their eyes. I saw it when I came to your house. And so does your mother. "
He said nothing and just smiled at me.
It was as if he was tired of correcting other people every time they told him he was loved. I saw it in his eyes. He wanted to say something but he decided against it.
Our lunch was served and we quietly had our meal.
Just as we were about to start our assignments again, his phone rang.
"Yea mum. I will be right there. Don't worry. Nope, there is no need to apologize. I will be right there."
His mum had an emergency shift at the hospital and needed Xavier to look after the twins. We decided to meet up at school tomorrow and parted ways.
"Sorry, I couldn't drop you off yesterday. Do you want me to walk you home today?"
That was the thing about Xavier. He apologized for things that weren't even his faults. We weren't even friends and he felt that it was his responsibility to care about me.
"No worries. Don't apologize. I will walk home on my own. Don't worry about me."
I smiled and left.
Somehow, Xavier was always there for others but never for himself.
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