Chương 23: chapter 23

Watching the wall clock slowly begin to tick away, felt like the best possible thing he could do after the madness from the previous day. In fact, it seemed like the only way to calm his desperately bothered mind. He had counted every second and refused to blink as often as possible until he watched the clock chime aloud and indicate the break of a new day.

Yet, sleep continued to elude him.

The field of his mind was no different from that of a battlefield. Memories, thoughts and decisions juxtaposed against one another without any particular pattern in sight. Endless sighs, constant hisses and the urge to up and head out fueled his thoughts, but he seemed incapable to do anything about it, or even want to do anything about them.

Instead, he chose to sit and stew on the events of the day before. The humiliation that came with so much effort being put into making the day a grand one, was unbearable. He could replay the entire scenario in his head over and over and again, hoping to get a different outcome but it was harder said than done.

The problem was the ending. He could live with the rush of emotions that fueled his boldness to step towards Oliver. He could very well live with the expression of joy and happiness Oliver exuded upon seeing the decorations on the bridge. Vukan could live with many things, but the ending to the story. The ending was sour and left a terrible taste at the back of his mouth.

While he wasn't meant to be as angry as he was, considering they weren't official, it still felt as though he had been jilted. The fact he had put in so much into their relationship as friends, made him believe he wanted more. He felt the need to have more and while he didn't bear proper rights to Oliver, he could make a compelling case that his actions through the past weeks demanded he be given such rights.

Vukan sighed and could feel the stench in his breath. It stank of disappointment and pain. His misery was mixed up in there too and no matter how much he tried to lie to himself or console himself that everything was going to be alright, there just didn't seem to be any light at the end of his tunnel. Oliver had made sure of it.

"Should I tell my folks?" was another haunting question at the back of his mind.

He figured he could play the guilt-tripping card and as such, get his folks to take the matter head-on. They would without doubt, be very disappointed and pained. They too had out a lot into the relationship and were expecting some proper fruit to come from it as soon as possible. In fact, he had heard his folks whispering and giggling like teenagers when they gossiped about him and Oliver.

It was an opportunity Vukan thought to take. He could simply walk over to their room and break the information to them at that moment. They would support him, they were bound to take his side and see things from his angle. The thought felt good and warmed Vukan's belly. It seemed appropriate, after all, he had been ridiculed and labeled a pervert when all he did was make his intentions known.

"He has to be crazy!" Vukan had assured himself time and time again.

It was the best explanation he could give for the reason why Oliver's mood had changed. The flicker in his eyes still remained in Vukan's head. The manner in which he had smiled and the scent of his perfume had all followed Vukan home. Instead of being a wonderful reminder of what was meant to be an awesome day, they culminated to remind him of his failure.

"He dared to call me a pervert?" Vukan couldn't believe his ears.

He wondered if the word "Pervert" meant another thing to Oliver, but he didn't see himself as a sexual predator with no morals. He wasn't going after a morally unattainable subject. He wasn't going after someone who showed signs that he didn't want him right off the bat. He had simply followed his emotions, chosen the perfect time to act on them, and gotten his ask kicked in the process.

"Did I read the signs wrong?" Vukan battled with himself internally. "Did I overstep?"

The questions continued to flood through. He wanted to evaluate everything again. Granted, he had evaluated every step he had taken from the first time they officially met, he still felt he needed to do more. For Vukan, he wondered if it just might be what he needed. He wondered if there was something hiding in plain sight which he wasn't seeing.

"Nobody remains hung up over a dead person", he muttered aloud. "The dead move on and so do those who are alive".

Oliver's excuse of being in love with Bruce was beginning to irritate Vukan the longer he thought about it. While he wished them well and would hold nothing against the dead, he still couldn't quite wrap his head around not being able to get through to Oliver.

He jumped up from his couch in a theatrical manner and began to shake his head. 'No… no… no".

Nothing made sense.

"He has to be messing with me", Vukan concluded.

He counted the hours it took him to set up the bridge into such a desirable state. He took into account the monetary implications of having to procure everything he needed to impress Oliver with.

"That dude must have lost his damn mind", he sighed.

Vukan walked over to the mirror to stare at himself and try to see whatever image Oliver must be seeing in him. His perfectly ripped body, with impeccable flame tattoo stretching just some bit above his left breast, and downwards in full towards his left hip was something anyone would die for. He was fit, he was handsome and he was wealthy.

Vukan recalled how many guys had tried to get down with him all because of those three combos.

"To think I did everything just to make that crazy dude want me", he sighed.

Dead-beat thoughts began to caress his mind. He lingered his thoughts back to recall the incident at the bridge on the night Oliver almost drowned. He wondered if he had drowned personally while trying to save Oliver. He wondered what would have been the resulting effect if Oliver made it and he didn't. it sounded crazy, but his mind was playing through every possible scenario without ending.

"The dude played me", were the words Vukan could find to justify everything that had happened. "Nah… he legit played me".

Thoughts on how to get back at Oliver sparked through his head and he pondered hard on telling his parents the truth so they could take their minds off of desiring any future between their son and Oliver's parents.

He shook his head abruptly as he weighed the implications. "What if he can come around? If I tell my folks, then I'd be condemning this entire thing to fail without giving it a chance".

Vukan couldn't believe he was that trapped. He felt like a mouse in a maze chasing his tail and not even sure of getting the cheese he was after. Oliver was the cheese and he was the mouse running around. There was no assurance that they would ever meet or that they would become an item.

"What happens if he finally decides that I am no good for him? What happens if he never comes around? What happens if he never sees me in the same light as I see him?" Vukan kept asking the questions without anyone or anything providing him with apt answers.

Frustrated, tired and overwhelmed, he slowly crouched and held his head in his hands. He couldn't believe the mess he had gotten himself into.

'Just tell your parents!" the voice in his head continued to encourage him.

Vukan opted against it; it was purely a bad idea and one which was undoubtedly going to cause him issues. More so, he had never seen his folks that happy and doing something to mess with their happiness would only come full circle to haunt him too. His mother was going to get affected the most and her pain would drown him even more.

He tucked his hand into his pocket as he felt his phone vibrate. His heart paused its beats and his fingers seemed unable to get the phone out as fast as he would have wanted. Something about him wanted it to be a message from Oliver. It was the only thing he knew would cure his current state and grant him some rest of mind.

He finally got the phone out with a disappointed look quickly spreading across his face; the message had been from his service provider, reminding him of a message he didn't care for at that point in time.

"Call him and speak with him", Vukan heard himself mutter inwardly.

They had not spoken since the parted the day before. In fact, his messages were the last on their chat log and seeing them remain unreplied just fueled his anger some more.

"He can go to hell for all I care", Vukan tried to lie to himself that he didn't care.

He tossed his phone into the couch and tried to focus on the image he was projecting through the mirror. Yet, nothing felt good. The moment sucked and he just couldn't come to terms with what he needed to get done.

Lowering his head in pain, he whispered, "What more could I have done?"

The question needed just one proper answer, but the one who was meant to give it to him was far away and they weren't speaking.

"I wonder what he is doing now", Vukan felt his lip tear apart slightly with a smile.

Normally, midnight was their favorite time of the day. It was the perfect time to gossip about school activities and friends. It was the time they always yearned to hear from each other as well as tease each other. The current conundrum felt like a gaping hole had been magically constructed between them. The hole felt like it would continue to grow bigger as well.

"Should I apologize?' Vukan asked himself. "Should I say I'm sorry so we can get back to what we were and how we were?"

It was a valid thought, but it also came with underlying issues. The fact he now saw how exactly Oliver perceived him made him want something else. He wanted equivalence as regards what he felt for Oliver. He wanted to be loved and not kept around as an emotional blackmail of any kind. He wanted the same energy he was giving into the entire ordeal.

"I am not his pet", Vukan spoke aloud before ramming his foot into the mirror and sending it crumbling to the ground.

He couldn't believe he had been naïve enough to assume Oliver wanted him as he had wanted Oliver. The naivety was alarming and quite troubling to the point he wasn't even sure he was in control of his emotions personally.

"He can go to hell", Vukan concluded before looking down at his foot.

Blood trickled out from a gash in between his toes. The pain could be felt, but not as much as the pain he struggled with as regards Oliver making him feel foolish.

"That will need some cleaning", he said to himself before walking out of his room and towards the bathroom, with a blood trail following him.

He blamed Oliver… he would continue to blame Oliver for everything; his physical and emotional cut. There was nothing anyone could say that would make him feel otherwise.

***

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