Chương 44: Self-Sacrificing Tendency

[Johan's POV]

"Oh, my god, Couz! Why?!"

Good question! Johan wanted to know, too. But Sean's intentional third-rate drama outburst was hilarious, making the conversation lighter than it's supposed to be. Johan rolled his eyes. "So OA, Couz."

Sean opened his mouth, then closed it again and shrugged his nonchalant shoulders. "Well, I just wanted to do that. Anyway, go on. How did you become a mistress in the making?"

"M-mistress?" Johan stuttered and flashed an exasperated look at the younger man sitting with crossed legs on his computer chair. "Really, Couz?"

"Okay, wait. Um..." Sean drummed his fingers against his computer desk. "Forbidden lover?"

"Whatever."

"How did this happen then?" Sean asked. "I need details. Don't leave out anything."

As Sean instructed, Johan told him everything. Between him and Sean, there were no secrets, so Johan didn't leave any details. From when he first started having sexual attraction towards Adrian, to the fateful night he shared their first kiss at the beach, until he finally succumbed to the pleasure of the forbidden act—Johan described it all as vividly as he could.

Johan watched in blatant amusement as his cousin covered a flustered face. He had lost count of how many times Sean uttered "Oh, my god!" between his fingers, and he wondered what's with their clan being heavily embarrassed with gay sex--including himself when he's at the receiving end of every lewd word known to mankind. After he finished his narration, Sean reduced into a pile of a blushing mess on the floor.

"I didn't expect you to be as detailed as this."

"You asked for it."

"Even so!" Sean pushed himself from the floor and fanned his face with both hands. He reached for his glass of cold orange soda. "I need a moment to calm down." Taking several deep breaths, Sean willed his blush to go away before turning back to him. "So onto the next topic, Couz. And why did you let it happen?"

With a tired sigh, Johan lay on his back and stared at the ceiling, pondering the how's and why's he ended up in such a predicament. "His girlfriend, Rhia," he began, recalling the moment he cemented his decision about having an affair with Adrian, despite his hatred towards relationship wreckers. "She's a virgin; remained so even after five years into their relationship and wanted to stay so until marriage."

"Hmm." Sean hummed, head bobbing up and down in understanding. "So, you decided to be her secret proxy because she won't have sex with her boyfriend?"

"You can say that."

"No feelings involved?"

"No feelings involved," Johan echoed, voice resolute. "For me, at least."

"It's so complicated, Couz." Sean rubbed his temples as if he's already having a headache. "So, complicated. With you two having—uhh—being intimate to one another, don't you think it's possible for either of you to fall in love?"

"I won't."

"How can you be so sure?" Sean asked, walking over to sit next to him on the bed. "You liked him, right? He's your work-crush. In fact, you already fell in love with him at first sight."

"There's no such thing as love at first sight," Johan argued, rolling to his side. "It's only attraction. Attraction at first sight."

"Couz." Sean rubbed his head in exasperation. "Can you show me a photo of him? I need to put a face on the name."

Reaching for his bag, Johan took out his smartphone, unlocked it, and opened a secret folder full of Adrian's picture he downloaded from his social media account. He handed it over to Sean, and it's his turn to blush when he received a funny look from his cousin.

"I downloaded those, way before it happened, okay?" Johan defended, although he still kept adding more recently. "I needed something to fantasize about."

"Why so defensive, Couz?" Sean laughed, and Johan threw the bolster pillow at him. Ignoring his presence for a minute, Sean took his time to browse through the photos, grinning every time he stumbled upon sexy poses. His mischievous smile widened when he stumbled upon a photo of Adrian lifting his black shirt to show his abdomen, and Johan snatched the phone back.

"Couuuuuuzzz! I'm not done yet."

"You've seen enough."

Sean pinched his leg, giggling. "Why didn't you tell me he's hot-hot? Like super hot? No wonder you gave in so easily."

"Shut up." Johan slapped his hand and rubbed the abused spot. "As if your virgin ass won't do the same once you meet Kensuke in person—"

"Wahhh! No! Stop! Change topic! Change topic!" Sean flailed his arms wildly in the air, his blush came back full force at the mention of his long-distance partner. "Why is this suddenly about me?!"

Johan snorted. "What topic should we talk about then?"

"Let's talk about the evolution of fishes! If there's even something like that."

Amused, Johan leaned on the bedpost and raised his eyebrows. "Okay? Like how they became mermaids, and which tentacle the Octopusmen would use for sex?"

Flabbergasted, Sean started spouting non-sense just to divert the topic from sexual stuff, and Johan rolled with it. Unlike him, who lost his virginity at an early age because of curiosity, his cousin still remained untouched at the age of twenty. And Johan preferred it that way until Sean found the right person to give it to.

To him, Sean was a person who deserved a 'happily ever after' life, away from the dark side of humanity he's been exposed to.

"Couz?"

"Yeah?" Johan opened his eyes and met Sean's gaze, who lay paralleled to him across the bed.

"I know you don't like being told what to do but... this thing you have with Adrian. It's wrong, you know? Stop it before you get yourself hurt."

Johan took a deep breath and released it through his mouth in a big sigh. "I know, Couz. But someone has to make a sacrifice. Between me and Rhia, it has to be me. I can't stomach another girl forced to give up what they value for the sake of a man's greed."

"So you'd sacrifice yourself instead? You said you're not even close to her." Sean paused and pulled a thinking face, the gears in his mind churning. He gasped in disbelief when the puzzle pieces shed him some light on Johan's complicated reasoning. "Hold on, Couz. A virgin girl, a sex-deprived boyfriend. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I hope this isn't about... Marianne?"

Johan didn't answer. He only let his eyelids flutter shut as his own voice echoed in his head. 'If it's to help a girl keep her purity until marriage, then I don't mind being your whore, Adrian.'

Remorse suffocated him, crumpling his heart like iron claws. But it wasn't the guilty conscience he felt for sleeping with Adrian behind Rhia's back. It's the regret for not doing the same thing for the girl he's supposed to protect. The mental image of Rhia and Adrian morphed into someone else's; a wavy-haired girl in a flowing white dress, and a guy wearing a baseball cap, walking alongside him and Raymond. Happy. Carefree.

Sean wiped the wetness at the corner of his eyes, and Johan realized he's crying, albeit he remained silent. "No offense, Couz, but I know your sense of justice was as weird as your grandfather. It's beyond human comprehension. But what happened to Marianne was not your fault, okay?"

"It was," Johan insisted and rubbed the salty water clouding his vision. "I said no because I'm already with Raymond. And she suffered because of it."

"It's all in the past, though. You have to move on."

"The flow of time is irrelevant to someone who still remembers," Johan said, hands curling into fists. "People say forgive and forget. But I can never forgive for as long as my mind remembers."

"R-right. Right." Sean patted his arm in an attempt to comfort him. "Let's change the topic. You get really scary when you're starting to become philosophical. But, Couz, remember that they're not the same people, okay?"

"Don't worry. I won't ever confuse his smug face over someone else." Johan sat and embraced himself, seared by the memories of the first man who explored his body sensually, turning him into a shrewd human being that he was today.

But for the sake of the pure, he'd sacrifice himself to the lustful men, who were only after relationships because of sex. He could take them head-on. He would consent to it. And even at the worst-case-scenario, Johan was skillful enough to defend himself.

History won't repeat itself under his watch.

"Sorry, Couz." Sean continued patting his arm. "I wasn't much of help with advice. You know I have little experience compared to you. Even though we only have a year difference."

"It's fine," Johan reassured with a smile. "I'm not looking for advice. I just want you to listen like you always do, and still accepts me no matter how terrible I've become."

"You're like a brother to me, Couz. I'll be by your side no matter what."

That night, Johan's phone vibrated with calls and text messages, but instead of answering, he turned it off, not caring what Adrian would think.

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K_Contiello

Uhh... I'm still sick, but I really feel bad for not updating in two days. I'll try to get better as soon as I can. Thank you for your patience, guys.

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