Chương 129: Chapter Seventeen: Hinami Watches On
"...Chiyo."
"Yeah Jas-chin~?"
"...It's midnight. Why the hell are you calling me?"
A few minutes past 12:00 a.m., Jasmine had heard her phone vibrating. At first, she had planned to ignore it, but when she saw it was Chiyo, she decided to answer. Honestly, it was a gamble whether or not it was worth talking to her fellow gal, but if it wasn't, Jasmine figured she could always just go back to sleep. "It's Monday tomorrow," she thought. "She couldn't have waited until morning?"
The night was Sunday, April 11, only a few hours after Jasmine had spoken with Mayu. Having been filled with a lot more complex feelings, she had been able to fall asleep surprisingly easily. "Then again, they say pets can help you relax," Jasmine had thought. Now though, she wasn't feeling very relaxed at all.
"Can't I just call ya for some fun?"
"I'm hanging up."
"No, wait, hang on!" Chiyo pleaded. "I'm serious, okay Jas-chin? I need to talk to ya about something." Jasmine brought the phone back to her ear. "What's going on?" she asked. "Well, so like, the thing is…" Chiyo sputtered. "Lemme guess. Fukuhara-san?" Jasmine said. "...Yeah," Chiyo admitted, drawing a sigh from Jasmine. The sigh wasn't an indication she was annoyed with Chiyo as much as it was annoyance at the constant problems that kept arising for her.
"So what'd she do this time?" Jasmine asked. "Why're you automatically assumin' it's Mi-chan's fault?" Chiyo asked, sounding a little miffed. "Well for one, it usually is," Jasmine pointed out. "And two, if I just let you talk, knowing you, you'll find some way to make yourself sound like you were in the wrong." "But…" "See?" Jasmine said, stopping Chiyo.
She had been right on the money. Despite Chiyo's unwillingness to give up on Michi, it didn't change the fact that she still had plenty of worry. "...Mi-chan got sick," she said. "And it feels like it's my fault…" "Oh shut up Chiyo," Jasmine said harshly. "If that girl got sick, it's totally on her." "But she's been stressed a lot, and we've been fighting so-" Chiyo, began to explain, but Jasmine cut her off.
"Listen to me Chiyo," she said. "All that stuff that's happenin' between you two, it's only stressful because Fukuhara-san can't stop thinking about it. You know how she is. She'll probably find some way to blow it all out of proportion and like, end up hurting you in the process."
Chiyo was silent, which gave Jasmine a bad feeling. "Unless… she already did, didn't she?" "Mi-chan said she hates me," Chiyo said sadly. "That's nothing new," Jasmine replied. "This time is different," Chiyo said. "I think she may have really meant it. And if she did, I… I don't know what I'd do. I love her Jas-chin. I love Mi-chan so much it's like I can't live without her anymore. If she suddenly left my life, I just… couldn't go on."
"Don't you think that's a little dramatic?" Jasmine asked, getting a dry laugh from Chiyo. "Maybe," she said. "But my feelings are just that strong." For a moment, there was silence between the two of them. Then, Chiyo asked a question.
"Do you think… Mi-chan needs me?"
Her tone was so full of desperation that Jasmine wasn't sure how to respond. There was no way she could say for certain whether or not Michi needed Chiyo. In her personal opinion, it seemed like Michi at least benefited from having Chiyo in her life, but beyond that, it was hard to tell. Thanks to how much Michi failed at being honest, it always looked like Michi disliked Chiyo as much as she got along with her.
"Y'know what? Forget I asked that," Chiyo said, not even giving Jasmine the chance to answer. "We both should get some sleep. After all, we got school tomorrow." "Chiyo," Jasmine said just before she hung up. "Just… hang in there, okay?" "...Sure," Chiyo said, then she hung up.
Her hand flopping down onto her bed with phone still in hand, Jasmine sighed. "Hang in there?" she repeated to herself. "Totally pathetic. I'm supposed to be her friend, so why the hell couldn't I come up with something better to tell her than that crappy line?" Even over the phone, Jasmine could tell just how worried Chiyo was.
"I can't say I've ever fully understood that girl," Jasmine thought. "But I do know that everyone has a breaking point. Chiyo can put up with a lot, but with the way she sounded… it kinda felt like she might be reaching hers."
She had originally gone to bed with nothing but pleasant feelings, but now a worry loomed over her heart.
*****
The next day, Michi woke up feeling much better than she had the previous couple of days. Not only was her cold mostly gone, but her shoulders felt a little lighter too, as if a burden had been lift off them. Michi was grateful for that, but she also couldn't help but feel somewhat irritated at how it had happened. "Chitose didn't have to be so mean…" she thought.
However, the reality was, Chitose HAD needed to be that mean. If she hadn't, the message would've never gotten through. Even some part of Michi knew that. Still, that didn't change the fact that she was bitter about experiencing yet another failure at standing up to Chitose. "One of these days, I'll fight back against her," Michi thought, swearing a pointless promise to herself.
Though, as she reflected on the previous day's interactions, there was one thing that kept repeating in Michi's mind. Over and over the line played:
"So I'm gonna put my foot down: Stop hurting my little sister. And if ya don't, I'll make sure you get exactly what you keep sayin' ya want."
While seemingly remedied for now, that threat continued to create storm clouds over Michi's heart. "Would Chitose… really find a way to keep Chiyo away from me?" she wondered. If that same proposition had been given to her a year ago, Michi would've accepted it immediately. Now, all she felt was pain in her chest, and a desperate desire to do everything she could to stop that from happening.
She had told Chiyo she hated the gal. She had screamed it at her. And yet, even Michi knew she didn't mean it. Of course she couldn't hate her. How could she? After everything Chiyo had done for her, if Michi started actually hating the gal now, Michi herself would say she was broken beyond repair. But then, the question became different than before. If it wasn't hate she was feeling toward Chiyo for causing these feelings she didn't (or refused to) understand, then what was it?
Not having an answer to that question, Michi could only proceed to get ready for school. A part of her dreaded making an appearance, but with how many days she had already missed, she knew she was starting to approach dangerous territory with her attendance. Of course, the dread she was feeling came from the thought of seeing Chiyo.
What was she even supposed to say when she saw her? Knowing Chiyo, Michi wasn't going to be allowed to completely ignore the gal. So what words should she use? Just a simple "hey?" Or what about "I'm back," for being gone from school. Or… perhaps starting with an apology…
She had hurt Chiyo. Michi knew and understood that fact, especially after Chitose drilled it into her. Being as prideful as she was, Michi didn't really want to apologize, but she also had a feeling that doing so would be the best way to stop Chitose from taking any action against her. "I can't let her take Chiyo from me," she thought. "Even if I have to do things I don't like, I can't let that happen."
Michi's feelings were a complete mess, but if there was anything she was certain of, it was that she didn't want Chiyo out of her life. If she had the mental capacity for it, a part of Michi would've found that funny. Only days ago she had made the decision to try to cut Chiyo out of her life. Now, she was willing to do anything to keep her around now that the threat had been made for her to be taken away. The power of reverse psychology (even unintentionally) certainly could have powerful effects.
Reflecting even further, Michi thought back to the day she had crossed paths with Chiyo's parents. Back then, she had boldly declared that she would protect Chiyo, and yet somehow, she had become the aggressor. "...What a joke," Michi thought, hating herself for her contradicting actions. "Protect her? What a liar I am…"
But, regardless of her awareness of her current situation, that didn't fix her complicated feelings. Knowing how to repair her relationship with Chiyo right now could help her, but what of the rest of it? It had been these exact complicated feelings that had led Michi to act the way she had. If all she did was apologize and try to act like nothing had happened, but also changed nothing, how could she be sure that the same outcome she was experiencing now wouldn't happen again?
It was with all of this on her mind that Michi made her way to Iwanai High. The road was lonely, and the trip felt long, with not even the appearance of Chiyo to look forward to. "I doubt she would want to come see me anyways," Michi thought as she approached the gates. Then, heading inside, she changed her shoes, and made her way to the classroom.
When she got there, she was about to go in when she froze. "Huh…?" she let out. For some reason, she couldn't bring her legs to cross the threshold. "Why can't I…?" she thought. Then a reason occurred to her. Entering the room would mean facing Chiyo. "I can't…" Michi muttered.
What if Chiyo refused to speak to her anymore?
What if Chiyo was angry?
What if… Chiyo hated her now?
Question after question filled her mind, and with each one, Michi took a step back. Before she knew it, she was turning around and heading away from her classroom. "I can't go in there… I'm too scared," a small voice thought. So, instead of attending class, Michi skipped, hiding out in an unused room and left alone with her thoughts.
By the time the lunch bell rang, Michi had been thinking herself in circles for hours with "what if's" and other worst-case scenarios. Upon hearing the bell, Michi got up to head to the cafeteria, too lost in thought to realize she was reacting subconsciously. It only took a few moments later for her to realize her mistake.
"Mi-chan?" a female voice said. Being snapped back to reality, Michi looked and spotted the girls she had become friends with on the school trip. "Ah… h-hey," she said awkwardly. "So you're back? We hadn't heard anything for a while, so we were getting worried," one of them said. "Yeah, we were starting to think you got pneumonia or something," another one added. "N-No, it was nothing that serious. Just… a cold, that's all," Michi said.
Seeming satisfied enough with that explanation, the girls then invited Michi to join them for lunch. Having no way to refuse, Michi reluctantly accepted. It was there that she ended up seeing Chiyo, who was chatting away with Jasmine, Mayu and Itsuki. The sight made Michi a tad jealous, but she also knew she had no right to feel that way.
Instead of trying to join them, Michi stuck with her current group, sitting some distance away. While the other girls talked, Michi found that her eyes kept drifting over to Chiyo. She couldn't help but watch her, hoping to find any sign to tell her how she was feeling about their encounter over the weekend. Then, she saw it.
That horrible smile.
To most, they would just see it as a happy girl, but Michi knew better. That smile Chiyo was putting on wasn't real at all. It was her cover-up smile, the one she showed when she didn't want anybody to ask her questions about how she was really feeling. More than anything, perhaps that was the thing Michi hated the most about the gal.
"Tch."
Right then, Mayu happened to look in Michi's direction. Immediately, Michi looked away. "Shoot. That was louder than I meant it to be," she thought, having also drawn the attention of the girls had the table. She managed to fend them off by claiming she was reacting to remembering the homework she'd have to make up, but that obviously wasn't the truth. "I just couldn't help it," Michi thought. "I hate that smile she fakes so damn much."
And seeing that fake smile made Michi wonder if she was the cause. Most likely, the answer was yes, which just made Michi feel guilty. Ordinarily, she would try to find some way to blame others or anything other than herself, but this time, there was no way to do that. No matter which way she thought about it, the blame was Michi's to bear.
Sure, Chiyo had slapped her, and Michi was still upset about that, but as she had decided hours earlier, she needed to be willing to do anything to fix her friendship with Chiyo. She had already failed once with Kanako. Michi didn't want it to happen again.
"We can talk about her hitting me later," Michi thought, doing her best to put her feelings of bitterness and betrayal aside. "For now, I just need to focus on making sure I don't give Chitose any more reasons to get between Chiyo and I."
*****
To describe Hinami Yamane in a word, shy might be the best. Though she tried her best, it took a lot of effort for her to do much of anything. Whether it was volunteering for something (for which she often missed her chance), or just simply talking to her classmates, Hinami had to put 100 percent of her efforts into each task. If she didn't, she risked failing and/or making a fool of herself.
For most of her life, Hinami had been the shy, nervous girl, and truth be told, she still was. However, despite that, she had managed to make friends along the way. These were people she was very thankful for, but she did wonder sometimes if she was causing them problems. Did they get annoyed with her lack of confidence? Did they find it a bother to have to ask for what she thought about something instead of Hinami just saying so herself? It was questions like these that sometimes appeared in Hinami's mind.
While she liked her friends and believed they wouldn't be so mean-spirited (and they weren't), Hinami still wished she could improve herself. If she could just be a little more confident, if she could just say what she wanted to, then maybe she could be more useful and less of a burden, along with being a better and more competent girl.
Thinking all of that, it was during the early days of her junior high years that Hinami saw someone she would never forget. Her looks were cool and beautiful, her posture straight, and while they were harsh and brazen, her words contained a certain amount of confidence that Hinami had only hoped to possess. This girl that she saw in the hallway became something of a role model and idol for her. After asking her friends about this girl, she found out her name: Haruna Endo.
"Even her name sounds cool," Hinami had thought. She wanted to be even half as strong as Haruna seemed to be to her, though she didn't want to be mean either. Although, for some reason, a part of Hinami had always thought that maybe there was something more to how Haruna always acted toward the shorter girl she yelled at all the time.
Before she knew it, Hinami's eyes were always following Haruna. She wanted to learn how to be like her. How to stand tall, how to say what she thought, and how to look mature doing it. But, because she held Haruna so highly in her mind, the girl also felt unapproachable. The best Hinami could hope for was to learn all she could through observation.
But, as time went on, Hinami realized just how ineffective that was. No matter how much she watched, it wasn't making herself any more confident. Perhaps she could say she had gained confidence on the inside from having someone to look up to, but it certainly wasn't displaying outwardly. If she didn't apply what she had seen, then was there much point to doing what she was doing?
Then again, if she did try to imitate Haruna, would that even really be Hinami anymore? If all she was doing was copying someone else, that was more like putting on an act rather than having genuine confidence. "I'd feel like a fake then…" she thought sadly. Being the earnest girl she was, she wanted to make sure that if she did manage to better herself, that it came about in a way that was natural, rather than imitation.
Therefore, with that in mind, Hinami decided that while she would still look up to Haruna, she'd call herself a fan more than "someone trying to be like their idol." The thought seemed to fit Hinami's personality better anyways, so she was satisfied enough. "I don't need to be like her. Just watching her has helped me some as it is. I think as long as I keep doing that, I'll figure out what it is I need to do for myself," Hinami concluded.
As luck would have it, Hinami eventually got the chance to actually speak with Haruna. Looking back, she felt like she had embarrassed herself a little bit in front of her idol, but she was still so happy that she had gotten to speak with Haruna.
Naturally, watching her for so long had told Hinami several things. First, Haruna wasn't as honest as her words made her seem. While she could be pretty mean, it was actually a cover for something (though Hinami never figured out what for exactly). Second, Haruna had more fans than just her, but just like Hinami they were afraid to approach her (but unlike Hinami, it was mostly because they were afraid of getting yelled at). Third, through their first year of high school, Haruna had changed.
If Hinami had to pinpoint what that change was, she wasn't sure if she could. It was obvious something had changed, considering Haruna kept holding Kanako's hand, and she didn't seem to be as mean as before. "I wonder what happened," Hinami had thought. As Haruna's self-proclaimed fan, she wanted to watch over Haruna, but that was hard to do when she knew nothing about the situation.
Of course, there were ways to find out more, but Hinami didn't want to turn into one of those crazy stalker fans. On top of that, she also didn't want to be the possessive type of fan, meaning she didn't want to try to keep Kanako away from Haruna. On the contrary, Hinami was actually pretty sure Kanako being around Haruna was making Haruna's life better. If nothing else, she seemed happier than before (even if she wouldn't openly admit it).
Hinami's life also got better, as the girl she admired became someone she could call a friend. Through being in a group together on the school trip with her, Kanako and Chiyo, Hinami had gained several new friends. Even after the trip, that number continued to increase, as she also got to know Jasmine, Itsuki and Mayu. With so many new friends, Hinami was very happy.
However, with these new friends came problems of their own. They weren't problems for Hinami personally, but she could see what was going on. Having spent so many years observing people, Hinami could get a good sense of a situation. Because of this ability (?), she had noticed a few things.
The first was the growing tension between Jasmine, Itsuki and Mayu. Hinami didn't know what was causing it, but she could tell that something was going wrong between them. Then there were Chiyo and Michi. Michi wasn't even coming to school, and Hinami had a feeling it had to do with Chiyo. The gal herself also didn't seem as peppy as usual either.
Lastly, there was the most obvious one. Kanako had been running around all over trying to find Haruna, who people were beginning to think had gone missing. She had been a nervous wreck for around a week now, and as Haruna's number one fan, Hinami was just as worried.
Oddly enough, Kanako had become the person that Hinami had become closest with when it came to her new friends. Though, perhaps it made sense that Haruna hadn't been that person. After all, it can be quite difficult to get close to the person you admire.
But, because of that closeness, Hinami had gotten a front-row seat to the chaos unfolding. She had already talked to Kanako multiple times, but their conversations were beginning to feel like they were going in circles. More and more, Kanako was simply complaining, though it wasn't annoying to Hinami at all. In her view, Kanako had to complain. It was almost her way of showing that she hadn't given up yet, the frustration continually building for her. If a day came when Kanako fell silent, and Haruna was still gone, then Hinami would be concerned.
But while she didn't have to worry about Kanako in that sense, she did worry about her just as a friend, along with Haruna. Just how much was Kanako going through? Would their new relationship survive this ordeal? Why had Haruna run away in the first place? These were all questions Hinami had no answers to, and it furthered a growing annoyance within her.
It had nothing to do with Kanako, Chiyo, Michi, Haruna or anybody else. Rather, the annoyance Hinami was dealing with was with herself.
For so long, Hinami had just watched. She watched Haruna, sure, but her times of observation went beyond that. Oftentimes, Hinami would sit out and watch as her friends went to do other things. She'd usually insist that someone else should "go ahead," and that she wouldn't mind "missing out." And, really, that was true. Hinami had always been content with that lifestyle.
But, because of this habit of hers, it caused her friends to not confide in her much either. They felt like it was pointless to talk to someone about problems they weren't involved in, and Hinami sadly had to agree. If she wasn't there for the initial conflict, nor did she make an effort to help, then why would her friends go to her?
Now though, Hinami was finding herself in the thick of this drama around her, and because she was involved, a quiet annoyance that had sprouted long ago was growing exponentially. That annoyance, the thing that kept bothering Hinami, was a feeling of helplessness.
She had always been an observer. A watcher. Someone who didn't get involved for a small list of reasons. But, she could no longer claim that role. She was an active participant now, and because of that, she kept finding that she wanted to be able to do something for her friends who were hurting. "How can I help them?" Hinami wondered. "Is there anything I can do?"
The truth was, there wasn't much, and Hinami already knew that. It seemed like the best she could do was offer her support, but was that really helpful at all? Hinami had to wonder. Just how much was she really helping if all she was doing was still sitting on the sidelines? Even if she felt like she was involved now, Hinami could hardly say she had done much.
It was frustrating. Hinami could see how all of her new friends were dealing with their own problems, but she was powerless to help. "I want to do something…" she kept thinking, but unfortunately, nothing seemed to come to mind. So instead, all she could do was continue to do what she had been doing. Hearing Kanako out and watching on.
End of Chapter Seventeen.
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