Chương 34: Homophobia and transphobia
As I'm trying to figure out what the dream was about, I get ready as fast as I can. I have to meet Laureen in five minutes, so I better hurry. But still, I just don't get it. Why would my mom do something like that? I mean, yeah, she wouldn't like the fact that I'm gay, but she wouldn't KILL me. Maybe that's not what it means though...
I grab my yellow cardigan and backpack and race out the door. I stop right before though, just to say bye to Shawn. Then I run out the door. Like yesterday, she pulls up right when I get outside. Perfect timing again.
I get in and she starts driving. While driving she asks, "So how's Sam?" and, well, I have no clue do I just tell her that or what?
"I don't know," I reply unsure, "she was asleep the whole time..."
She just sighs sadly, taking it all in. "Do you think Shane knows?" she asks.
"I'm not sure. But I know he's probably taking it the hardest. He's losing his other half."
"Yeah, that shit must be terrible. I can't imagine what he's going through..."
We just sit there in silence, processing just Sam in general. The rest of the ride to school is just us sitting there until we're almost there and I bring up Shawn.
"So Shawn as been super loving lately," I pop up the subject. "he really loves pets and sleeping. Like, all the time."
"Aww, that's so cute!" She just adores him.
"Yeah, it seems like he already wants to stay. You should come over some time and visit him. He'd like that a lot, for sure. He didn't seem scared of you when we found him."
"Yeah? He's so cute, I'd love to see him. I just hope he doesn't shed much, so my mom won't have an allergic reaction."
"That wouldn't be good."
We get to the school and walk in. Like yesterday, we sat down in the cafeteria with Mark and Alexis. No sign of Evelyn and Shane. Rumors still swarm that Evelyn is going to jail. At this point, it's probably true. I'd kind of hope so in a way. What she did was not ok, and justice will be served.
"Any news on Sam?" Alexis asks.
"None..." Laureen sighs.
"Shit..." Mark sighs. They probably blame themself. Mark shouldn't, but it's probably impossible to change their mind. Mark's life was hard before Sam being hospitalized, now it's even worse.
Mark's parents probably tell them every night that they're going to hell. Just cause they're transgender. I mean, Evelyn mentioned that Mark's parents didn't accept them. I don't trust Evelyn, but it would explain why Mark didn't start a transition. She also wouldn't lie about that. What would be the point?
"...Why did I like Evelyn? I didn't know she was transphobic. Why can't she just accept me?" Mark seems tired. They have bags under their eyes. Bloodshot eyes, unusually pale skin. I know a lot of times I tell people I'm tired. They all say, "sleep," but they don't understand. They wouldn't understand what Mark is going through, not to mention everyone here is pretty much depressed.
"I don't really know. She doesn't make much sense." Alexis sighs, "She's homophobic and transphobic, but she says racism is wrong. Racism is worse, but homophobia is more common now. She was never racist to me, which is nice. I don't think she realized I'm pansexual though. She did know a few other things though..." her sentences trailing off.
"Yeah, she treated you equally cause you're black," Laureen confirms. "but if she heard you were pansexual, she'd laugh, poke, and never let you forget she'd never accept you. I don't get her thinking."
"Why did I fall for someone like her? Why didn't I see it? Why did I love someone who would just hurt me in the end?" Mark just sighs and puts his head down.
"Because when you're in love," Laureen explains, "you never see the red flags. They say love takes time and crushes happen almost immediately. Love at first sight is probably two people who have crushes on each other that end up falling in love with each other. It takes at least three months to get to know someone. Even then, you don't always see their dark side."
This gets me thinking. Does that mean I only have a crush on her? I mean, I didn't think about it that much. I just admitted to myself that I like her. But I also didn't think it's normal. I guess it is, so it's reassuring. But I'm still not sure about my feelings. What do I really feel towards her?
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