Chương 54: Confusion

It's the morning, I see the sun shining through the living room window, and the woman I love is in my arms. I see she got a fulls night rest, curling up to me. I don't know what she is feeling or what is going through her mind. I just know I really like this. Being this close to her, I see why my brother stayed so long, why in the end he felt so bad to leave. I don't want this to end, not even if she is thinking I am him at the moment. I know that is sad to even say, it's just how I feel at the moment.

I wake up feeling, peaceful, I am wrapped up close to.........him. With my eyes closed and my arms around his waist, it feels the same. It feels just like it use to. I can get lost in this, feeling so secure, like all that did happen was just a bad dream. But I know its not him, it's Ichiru, I just don't want to move or change this moment. I haven't felt like this in months. Maybe this is what Zero figured, I would be happy with someone who looked like him but could give me all of himself. I know Ichiru is laying here, with no one else on his mind but me. I am just scared to let go for so many reasons.

I open my eyes and look up at him, his silver-grey hair in his eyes, his sweet face, those luscious lips. When he is like this, they are identical. The only thing to tell them apart is the tattoo, which I try not to look at his neck, so the realization won't hit me. It's not fair but at the moment its how I feel. I place my head back on his chest and hug him tightly. The warmth of his body makes me feel safe, at home. It's a great feeling and a scary one.

"Good Morning, I hope you had a good nights rest?" Ichiru asks.

"I did, I have to admit I enjoyed the whole evening. It looks like I got a bit comfy sleeping here too. I hope that is ok?" I reply.

"Yes, it's more than ok. I am glad you feel this comfortable with me. It was nice to be this close. I am glad I can offer you some comfort. I love that you slept through the night." Ichiru answers.

"I felt safe and warm. I forgot all my troubles and let go for a bit." I reply.

"Great, I want you to do that more often. I want you to feel you can tell and do anything with me. I really do want to build this. I know you need time, and I am willing to wait, I just have to admit when I see progress it makes me happy." Ichiru states with a warm smile.

"Last night was the first time in a long time I felt myself. It was nice being able to share moments with you." I respond, keeping the fact that all night I stared at him, seeing his brother. I'm confused and If it say, how I am feeling I will hurt him and I don't want that.

"Good I am glad, how about some breakfast? I can whip something up, I'm sure." Ichiru asks.

"Sounds good, anything is good for me, nothing special," I respond.

"I can do better than a bowl of cereal." Ichiru laughs. "I may not be the chef my brother was but I am sure I can scramble an egg." He adds.

"You have been doing really well with cooking, thank you for that as well. I just haven't felt up for much." I state walking into the kitchen behind him.

"No problem, I don't mind at all." He says.

I stand there looking out the sliding doors into the garden, the garden that we got married in. Remembering the day I was finally Mrs. Kiryu.

I look over to Alexa looking out the doors, I can tell she remembers something. I can see it in her eyes, in how her face changed. This house is filled with memories of their relationship, even more than the house she lives in. I know I have to stay strong and be there for her, to show her I always will be.

"What's wrong?" Ichiru asks.

"I remember getting married out there. How happy I was that day, how much I wanted it. How now no one remembers it happening but me and you." I answer in a low voice. "I resent that he didn't let me say goodbye to him, there is so many things I want to say to him, and I can't. " I say, closing my eyes and holding back tears.

Ichiru walks up to me, putting his arms around me, "Tell them to me then, pretend I am him and say your goodbyes, say what you need to." Ichiru comments

"It's not fair to you, to do that, to pretend your him......" I answer even though a lot last night I been doing just that.

"I can handle it, you need closure. He didn't give you much and I think it's what's making it even harder." Ichiru states, lifting my head up to look into his eyes.

"If you're sure?" I ask.

"Yes Very." Ichiru answers.

I place my hands on his chest, and look up into his eyes, it's not hard to pretend he is Zero. A tear runs down my face, with a pain in my heart.

"Why did you do this? You left me, without closure, other wives get to bury their husbands, get to say goodbye. We talked the night before you left, I told you I wanted to be buried next to you, instead, you do this? What I wanted more than anything was to be Mrs. Kiryu and that was taken away as well, you took everything I had away. The life we worked so hard to have was gone, leaving me to pick up everything all over again with two children. YOu took the memories our son had of you away. All the great times we shared as a family, Zero WHY!? I know you wanted to give me a new start but this start hurts even more then if you would of left things alone. I wish you would have confided in me, that I could have held your hand and said goodbye, not wake up and ask where I was? Alone and Confused when I needed you most! I love you, and I miss you so very much. I hope you know that, wherever you are." I say. My hand goes up to his face, touching his cheek, something comes over me and I kiss him.

My arms wrapped around his neck, my lips on his, I feel his hands on my back and I just kiss him deeper.

I'm lost in this kiss, her lips are touching mine, she seems to get more and more into it as it goes on, just is it meant for me? Or him? I can let it go and take advantage of it, having her the way I always dreamed, just if I do, she may regret it, and I know I would in the end. I don't want to hurt her or push her away, I have to stop this in a way she knows I want her, just her wanting me.

I place my hands on her face and take in the kiss for one last minute before I gently stop holding her head in my hands. I catch my breath and hold her face to mine.

"Alexa, I want you more than you know, and if and when this happens I want you to want me to for me. I want to show you exactly how I feel for you, and how much I want you, just when you're ready." I admit.

He stops the kiss gently, I catch my breath and my heart is pounding. I don't want it to stop, to end. I want to keep going to feel him touch me, to feel more of him. I understand why he stopped it, even though I was thinking he was Zero, at the start, I wanted to kiss him. I am so confused,

I nod to what he is saying even though my feelings are all over, I stand on my tippy toes and kiss him again, this time without pretending he is Zero, knowing it's him, and wanting to know if it feels the same if I still have this want to be this close to him. My body presses closely against his, as our lips crash into each others. I feel this want and desire I haven't felt in months. I feel alive, it takes everything I have to stop the kiss, to break free. I just know he is right, I need to make sure I want this before I act. I need to not let my feelings at the moment direct me. I break away putting my head on his chest trying to calm myself down.

"What was the second kiss for?" Ichiru asks wondering what is going on, and what she is feeling?

"I wanted to kiss you, I had this strong desire to kiss you," I admit.

"That's a good sign, it was to kiss me or him?" Ichiru asks.

"The first one was him but the second one I wanted to kiss you, to see if it felt the same if the desire was the same," I say

"And?" He asks.

I look down at the floor, not sure if I can admit this or not.

"It's ok, I know you feel more for him, than you can for me," Ichiru says going to let go and walk away

I grab his arm, "I am not sure why but it felt stronger with you." I admit.

I look at her with relief and happiness with hearing that. I never thought I would hear that. I do have a real chance at this. "I am glad to hear that, it felt incredible on my side. We can go slow but it's nice to know you can desire me." Ichiru answers.

I smile not sure what is going on, but what I felt was incredible also, I just need to make sure of what I am feeling is real.