Chương 14: Keeping the Faith
"Well, fine! Since I can't do anything about it anymore." He stopped, looked at me and then he took a deep breath.
"All I wanted to say is that, you make me smile, in my darkest days, in my lightest nights, in every minute and every second of the day. Even if I'm with you or not, your face just suddenly pops into my mind and the next thing I knew, I'm smiling. Please Cheen, live. For me, live for all of us." Harry said with all emotions on his face.
"Ok fine let's eat! All the mushiness is making me barf." we all laughed.
We partied after that disastrous welcome back party, the first time in my life I saw my mom laughed, I think I'm pretty much like her. We both tend to bottle up our feelings and keep them to ourselves.
I saw James, Kim, Liz and Harry talking together, Khan is nowhere I sight, I had the urge of pulling Harry out but I realized that James needs his advices right now.
I left the house and went straight to our front porch; I sat in the swing that my dad made when we were little. I felt the breeze brush my face and I closed my eyes, for that split second I felt normal. It's as if yesterday is only a dream, a dream where in I wished some parts are not real. I wished that the parts about Harry and James and Kim were all real, and just having leukemia is just a dream.
Please, God, please. If I'll be able to live as long as I needed to, for the people who loves me God, please give me a sign, that when I open my eyes I'll see your answer in that bright horizon. Please, if I'll be able to live through that, would you please say yes through a shooting star?
That's the first time I asked Him about signs, I never believed in it. But I need assurance, I need something to hold on to, I need some proof that all of this, that my still holding on would all be worth it.
I opened my eyes and looked up; the inky blue sky that has been blanketed by millions and millions of stars that I wish in this moment would show me the sign that I was asking for. Is it possible? That out of millions of beautiful stars one would fall magically fall just to fulfill my only wish? I waited. No star fell from the sky.
"Emotional much?" he asked. Interrupting my deep thoughts.
I looked at Khan and just smiled, maybe I should give it some time, some kind of deadline. What are the rules in asking signs anyway?
"What did you wish for." he asked.
"Shooting star." I whispered.
Khan didn't answer after that, I can hear his quite breathing and I felt the Khan that I had fallen in love with then, how silly did I acted back then, I used to get his attention in a different way. I smiled at the silly memories that he and I made.
"I'm really sorry. Cheen"
I looked at him and he is still looking up in the heavens, as if he is saying it to the stars and not to me.
"Why?"
I said not looking away; I watched his serene face as he breathe in and out, in and out as if it's the most common thing ever yet different.
"For not being able to notice your feelings for me way back then." he answered.
"That's ok." I smiled, I'm happy that after everything that Khan and I had been through he's still there for me. Unlike some guys that once they knew that they like you they'll act as if you can't live without them.
"You know I never really wanted to hurt you."
"I know."
"Friends till hell freezes over?"
"Till hell freezes over. I'm happy that Liz has you."
"You have me too."
"You know what I mean."
"I'm happy you are able to change Harry." I laughed, he never looked at me, he just continued to look at the skies as if I am there.
"Look shooting star!" he said as he pointed vaguely at the heavens.
I look to where he is pointing and saw nothing.
"You missed it. Let's go inside, it's your party remember?"
I stood up and when Khan finally went inside I stayed behind a little, gazing at the sky where Khan had seen the falling star.
Is it the sign that I was asking for? But why haven't I seen it?
What are the rules in asking for signs anyway?
Is waiting for Your answer worth it?
I look back at the room filled with the people that I love, and turned once again to the skies and whispered the question that's been bugging me ever since.
Is it worth it? Is it still worth to keep on fighting?
Later that day, I kept myself busy inside my room doing and thinking about things.
Paulo Coelho once said that if you want something the whole universe conspires just so you can get it, when Khan saw that shooting star I felt somehow relieved, I still am not reassured that I'll live longer but I felt somehow that God heard my prayer, and he's just merely asking me to wait for the answer.
I have been a whole lot different when I thought I was Cancer free. I rebel almost half of my life, the moment I learned about the meaning of rebel I immediately lived being one. It's fun at times, having that great feeling when you thought you had broken the rules and had gone beyond your limits. Still you have to deal with the consequences.
Once I drank until my brain just turned into a fuzzy blur, James almost dragged me into the street screaming curses at me as if those will make me sober; those were the days I wished James were dead.
Fortunately none of my wishes has been answered yet.
Days went by, and still I have this sickness. But who knows, I will be over this soon. I hope so.
Everyone thinks it was the rain, when suddenly I woke up this morning and decided to cut my hair short.
If there's one thing in the world that I love besides my life, it'll be my hair, but what will be the use of it if after years of having something to be pretty about is being snatched away from you?
There is something in the rain that morning, that cold and soft pitter-patter of the raindrops that made me realized that there are certain things in life that ought to be sacrificed. Everyone thought that all of this is about the rain, I suppose, they are right.
"James! Please go with friend" My mom begged, well mostly threatened James as if he is her son too. She wants James to accompany me to the salon.
I know how James hated having to wait an hour just because he hated waiting.
"He doesn't need to mom. I can go there by myself."
I tried to persuade my mom to just let James off the hook, he's been my personal slave since my stay at the hospital and mind you his work isn't easy. It's gross but yeah, I usually miss the basin and just vomit in him or Harry.
My mom looked at my dad defeated, he looked at me and I managed to pull a smile. A reassuring smile that everything is just fine.
"James, go with Cheen."
James looked at me and I just shrugged.
We went to the nearest mall just for the sake of it, when we entered some employee ushered me to an empty stool and she whispered, "she's the best stylist in town," she said pointing at a ginger-haired lady, "there are two girls waiting in line but here's the deal give me your friend's phone number and I'll just pretend not to notice them."
The perks of having a handsome friend. If only they know that his really gay and just act like a man "Sure," I managed with a smile.
Just then the ginger-haired girl walked towards me and then smiled a little to fake, "What would you want?"
"Chop it off."
She looked at me as if I had just landed from Mars or something. "You serious?" she asked amusingly
"Yes please" I answered
"But your hair is so pretty!" She said trying to convince me then.
"Well…"
"Hey." She said cutting me mid-sentence, "Will you donate it to some cancer kids? I know someone who helps in charity and she's been coming here often to collect some hair and then she makes it into wigs, your hair will surely make a perfect one. It's for a good cause."
I just nodded at her. Yes it will be a big help indeed.
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