Chương 27: Dues ex machina
Yeah well, the author couldn't think of anything decently funny so we are just skipping over the next scene where Dues-san has been calmed down by Sonohara rip-off. Congratulation, author-san! You just lost the last speck of respect I had for you.
"So," now that Dues has been calmed down (a little), she says in an annoyed voice, "What is it that you guys want?"
"Tsk!" seeing the expression on her face though, makes me annoyed too. "Listen Dues ex machina, you maybe a little bit hot and all but that doesn't mean you can talk in any way you want to me."
And so, like the genius I am, I decide the best thing to do is to go off the topic again.
"Oh?" she acts as if she's surprised and continues in a demeaning voice, "Who might you be, if I may DARE to ask, human?"
I can definitely pick up sarcasm in there but not important as the next lines out of my mouth are about to destroy her.
"I am …" proudly standing up and using the gained height to look down on her, I say, "THE PROTAGONIST-KUN!!!"
"…"
Say something, Goddamnit!
"Uh," I act like I have lost composure. Yes, I act like it, okay? It's not actually true. I-It's not like I actually lost composure or anything, b-baka!
"Well, I guess your pesky minds cannot understand the true power that lies behind those words. No matter." I say making weird hand expressions like Rintarou Okabe from Steins;Gate (again ripping off from a guy from rips off from others, but ignore that) and say, "I am, also, the man this world was created for."
"…"
"..."
"..."
"Wow! You really are arrogant if you think this world was created for you." Dues simply stated with a blank expression.
"Call it arrogance or …"
"Dude! Shut up! You're embarrassing me."
What!? Did Danny just say that? Did THAT GUY just say that to ME!? Well, I guess this isn't working, should probably stop.
"Hah!" I sigh and with a plain voice, continue, "Look, the whole reason this world was created was because the author wanted to balance the dark thoughts that engulfed his mind because of writing something called Harlot Ream. For doing that balance, he needed to have someone who embodies him in the worst of his days, the guy who is the author in his most cringe moments. That guy is me. You people and this world wouldn't even exist if I didn't."
And so I say, quite proudly. And then the realization hits me – if the author, who can actually write more than just this mess of a comedy, does not get any respect from someone like me, well, WHAT ABOUT ME?
"Ignoring whatever crazy monologue you are having,"
For the last time, Danny, never ignore my monologues, except if it's something like this. Ah, I'm glad you ignored me right now. Wait, that sounds weird!
"We are here for a reason," Danny continues in a plain voice, "We need a favor from you, Dues."
He says as he looks at the 5'9 woman with a warm ivory skin and an athletic physique. She turns to us and as she does, I get a clear view of her face. Her face is diamond-shaped with her eyes being close-set and hazel in color. She also has a concave nose and the rest of the face is perfectly symmetrical to these features. All in all, she creates an image which, depending on one's perception, can be called "Beautiful like an Angel" or "Bewitching like a Demon".
Which Dues ex machina was ripped off to create her anyway? I can't seem to remember any Dues like that? Did the author perhaps create an original design!? T-that's impossible. I mean, like, the guy thinks monolid-eyes are better than almond-eyes because they have this dark feel about them and that makes them look more badass. And I don't know how that makes him unable to create an original character design, but w-whatever!
BAM!
And so comes the voice of me getting my head hit by a frying pan of all things. Why the heck is there a frying pan here anyway?
"What the hell was that for?" I ask angrily as I look at the perpetrator, Danny.
"Because of your stupid urge to monologue BS, we have wasted more than half the chapter and the plot hasn't moved forward at all."
I … see. That's … kinda problematic. I should probably stop monologuing now
…
…
…
….
Like hell! Why would anyone read this thing if stop monologuing!?
"Hah!" Dues sighs, still annoyed at something, "I think you said you needed a favor from me. Let's hear it first!"
She says as she looks at Danny with a bored expression.
"Okay, so … uh, do you know of an Angel named Roswaisa?" he asks nervously.
"I do. She's a bitch!" she says while clicking her tongue and making a sadistic expression as if she's imagining torturing this Angel we just named.
O-okay! That's quite the reaction.
"She … uh, she has died." Danny says in a nervous voice and,
"What!? T-That's not possible." Seeing the surprised Dues, I can get that she has some kind of relationship with her (possibly the frenemies type of relationship) but, "She wasn't supposed to die."
"She wasn't?" Danny looks surprised as he asks.
"No, no, she definitely wasn't. Not yet!" Dues replies in a surprised voice.
"Okay so, you mind filling the audience in on what you two are talking about?"
Not asking for myself, okay? I'm too cool to need any explanations. I can do just fine without them. I'm asking for you guys, alright? Be grateful!
After hearing my question though, Danny turns to me and says in a bit of a rushed voice (probably because of excitement), "Dues is a deity tasked with keeping track of fate and destinies."
That's new! Did the author really come up with an original concept for Dues ex machina of all people?
"She knows when anyone of any race will die." Danny continues in the same voice, "And what she just said means that death wasn't supposed to be Roswaisa's fate back there."
I see. That's … nice.
"If that woman has really been killed," Dues says in a grim tone, "then it would disrupt the balance of the world."
And so, we are going to find out the actual plot of this volume!
"Therefore, we'll need to reverse time and change this!"
Wow! That sounds fun! It's not like the butterfly effect can disrupt the balance of a million other things or anything like that, right?
"We are ready for it." Danny says as he looks at Roswaisa with one hand tightened into a fist and kept near his heart. I get that you are trying to act cool and all, but that's just being a generic anime character, man. I guess you are a Danny at the end of the day so I shouldn't be surprised.
"Yes, that's good to hear." She says and starts heading somewhere.
So like, no one asks me if I'm ready for it or not? Do I have no choice? Oh right, I am the protagonist. This is the second time in my life that I have hated this role.
By the way, the place that Dues seems to be walking towards is a … stage-like thing. I mean, this whole place we ended up in where we found Dues (or she found us) looks like a run-down underground lab of some mad scientist. That, or it's a mini bat-cave. Either way, for whatever reason, there is an uncharacteristically lit stage at the opposite side of the elevator, and Dues ex machina climbs over it and says,
"In order for you to go back in time,"
Dude, I mean dudette, we just discussed about time-travel, like, 5 paragraphs ago. There is something called pacing in the story, you know?
Ignoring my frown though, she finishes her own statement.
"I need to go back to my original form."
Oh? That isn't a cliché development at all.
She puts up her right hand towards where I think the North Star will be and all of a sudden,
Thump! Thump!
I can hear her heartbeat. I turn to Danny and it seems like he can hear it too, however, he's not surprised and is just looking sharply. Well, I turn back to her too and see,
"Tsk!" with a click of her tongue, she shows her annoyance, her annoyance at the pain she might be going through as her body starts tearing off and ****************************************** (horror-movie stuff) happens.
And after it happens, well, if I was ever doubting your ripping-off skills, author-san, I humbly apologize. If I were to describe this 'beauty' you have created, I would call it the anime-fied version (which translates into 'turning male to female') of the freaking Dues Ex Machina from The Future Diary.
And since the author can't think of a good punch-line to finish this off with, that's the godforsaken end of the chapter.
*****
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Zyanide100
Zyanide100 Why does everything except memes and anime references stop coming to my mind whenever I write a chapter of Irium?
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