Chương 27: Pizza - Solution To All The Problems

Melvin collapsed on his couch with a heavy sigh blowing through his lips, the days events running ragged circles in his head and throbbing behind his eyes like the bass from a particularly hectic rap song. He pulled his glasses off and placed them on the end table next to the couch. He needed some aspirin, but the walk from his couch to the kitchen cabinet seemed like a trek far worse than passing through the Sahara Desert with only one good leg and Gilbert Gottfried for company. In short, he was exhausted.

On the brighter side of things, he did have a date with Courtney the cute waitress tomorrow evening. Not only that, but Olivia Crabapple, his boss from hell, had fucked him senseless tonight. What an interesting and totally unexpected day he'd had, and it was all thanks to the mysterious witch he'd accidentally met and her so-called love juice.

Melvin reached for his remote and clicked on the television, flopping to one side on the couch. His stomach rumbled as he searched for something to watch, hopefully something that would tickle his funny bone. He needed a good laugh. Or maybe an interesting documentary on the History Channel to further enlighten his mind. Something about Nazis and how the Allies had outsmarted their Teutonic shit. His stomach groaned again, louder this time, refusing to be ignored.

"Pizza," Melvin murmured. Yeah, pizza sounded great. Pizza sounded like the solution to all of the world's problems at the moment. Hey, I've got the answer for world peace! Have a slice of pizza! Melvin smiled at the thought; boy, he was in a silly mood tonight.

He reached for the phone and speed-dialed his favorite pizza joint, ordering a pepperoni with mushrooms. He gave them his address, thanked them, and hung up the phone. Whoever had invented pizza delivery was a true genius; Melvin wished he could shake the dude's hand and thank him for the good work.

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Chương 28: The Women From The Elevator

Someone knocked on the door.

"Holy crap, that's fast," Melvin said, but then he figured that there was no pizza place on Earth that could be so efficient as to deliver a pie within a thirty second interval. He rubbed his eyes and pulled himself up from the couch. Who would be at his door at this time of night? He was positive that he'd paid his rent already this month.

He opened the door, and the woman from the elevator stood in the hallway. She held her purse in her hands, toying with it nervously, and flashed a hopeful smile at Melvin as his mouth dropped open at the sight of her.

"Hi, Melvin. I... uh... well, ok, I admit it," she said, her eyes darting back and forth. She acted like Melvin had accused her of some sort of crime, but Melvin had no idea what this woman, who he'd met for the first time today in the elevator at work, could be doing at his door. She was a short blonde woman, hair to her shoulders, middle aged, professional looking. She wore a crisp white shirt under a black jacket and a tight, hip hugging skirt that stopped just above her knees.

"Yes?" Melvin said, his eyebrows raising.

"I followed you home. I waited for you, and I followed you. I don't know why. Well, I do know why, but it's crazy."

"Why?" Melvin said; he tried to lower his eyebrows but found himself incapable. They were stuck in an expression of bewilderment.

"Because... oh, fuck it," she said and flung herself at him. Melvin stumbled backwards, the woman's hands on his chest, her lips on his own, her foot kicking behind her to slam the door shut as they tumbled into the room. Trying to keep his balance and stay on his feet, Melvin felt the back of his knees hit the end of his couch, and he flopped backwards, the woman plopping on top of him. They landed on the couch in a tangle of limbs, the cushions bouncing. The woman broke their kiss, giving Melvin a chance to breathe with a gulping breath.

"I saw you in the elevator this morning, and I knew right then and there, I had to have you. After I saw you, I got so randy that I had go into my office, lock the door and masturbate like a madwoman. Do you know how crazy that is? Do you know the last time I masturbated? I was in fucking eighth grade!" the woman said, her face inches away from Melvin's, her breasts pressed against his chest, her crotch against Melvin's awakening penis. A crazed, insatiable look flashed in her eyes.

"I knew... I knew that you could satisfy me in ways that no other man would be capable. I knew it just by looking at you," she said, and then swung her face onto his own, meeting Melvin's mouth at a slanted angle to give him better access to her tongue. It slipped out of her lips and into Melvin's mouth, squirming like a wild snake. They made out like two kids on his sofa while his parents were gone for the night, with a desperation that bespoke of adventurous adolescents rather than experienced adults. Melvin wondered if this woman was as inexperienced as he was. She didn't look like the kind of woman who normally accosted strange men in their apartments after following them home. Melvin guessed that it wasn't in her true nature; today was a day of firsts.

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