Chương 29: Wings
~"Wings are made to fly~"~
"It's finally the day!" Hoseok exclaimed excitedly while the staff ran to and fro backstage, draping the members in jackets and hoods and all kinds of performing garb, arranging their hair and adding the final touches to their make-up. The first day of the final 'Wings' episode was about to kick off in a few hours time and ARMYs had already begun to line up outside the Gocheok Sky Dome while the boys skimmed their sheets to go over their schedules and set-lists for the concert.
Namjoon was currently engaged in breathing exercises, the leader's eyes shut tightly as he inhaled deeply, his mind a whirlpool of emotions. The past week had been chaotic to the point that the members had resorted to spending their nights catching a few winks of sleep in the practice rooms of Big Hit, too tired to go home. Ji Ah and her team had closely monitored all the preparations, carefully shooting behind-the-scene action and vocal rehearsals. The two hadn't been able to spend much time together lately but the rapper knew Ji Ah understood his position. "It is. It's time for our trilogy to conclude."
Taehyung, having finished practicing his statements and fixing his costume, looked up from where he was watching their practice videos. His brows furrowed in thought, eyes roving over all the members. Yoongi had gone slack in his seat before the dressing table while a stylist worked on his hair. Jimin was beside him, chin propped up on his elbows, humming the tune of 'Serendipity'. Seokjin and Jungkook were in the midst of bingeing on snacks and the silver-haired man smiled. "Do you guys ever wonder what we're going to feel like after all this ends?"
"Liberated?" Yoongi quipped from his spot, twisting slightly so his face was visible. "We're leaving the past behind."
"But we're not going to forget it," Hoseok clarified, the oldest and youngest members turning in his direction as the dancer spoke.
"Yeah, it's always going to be a part of us. The past brought us here and now," Namjoon smiled fondly, gaze travelling over the boys who were his greatest source of support and strength. "Now, we're finally going to reach our destination."
"We're going to fly," Seokjin remarked, his voice brimming with excitement and reminiscences of the past. "We've spread our wings."
"More like soar, Hyung," Jimin chimed in with a grin, eliciting chuckles from everyone present in the room, including the staff. Jungkook had been silent all this while, mulling over everything his Hyungs had been saying.
"I…I'm scared," he finally confessed in a small voice, his head lowered and eyebrows crunched, the packet of snacks forgotten in his hands. "It's all happening so fast and I'm worried I might mess something up and…and I don't want to grow up so soon."
Strong arms enveloped his muscled frame, warmth seeping into him at the contact. "Jungkookie, you're going to be fine. We're going to be fine. And there's nothing wrong with messing up. We're humans too," Taehyung murmured in his ear but it was loud enough for everyone to hear.
Namjoon nodded in agreement. "And we have ARMY to look out for us. More importantly, we have each other," he stated in a firm voice but his eyes were sparkling with affection. The maknae perked up at this and Hoseok thumped his back.
"We're young forever, brother!" he declared loudly and Yoongi sniggered.
"You guys are so cheesy, I swear. Y'all sound like you're about to start walking down the aisle any minute now. Save the drama for our weddings," he drawled offhandedly but Namjoon could swear his eyes were glistening.
"Group hug!" Hoseok pulled them all in, their arms going around each other and holding tight. Namjoon knew it had taken a lot for them to reach this point and now that they had, they would make sure to work even harder. Years would roll by and so would time, right before their eyes. But the rapper knew one thing with absolute certainty.
That they would always be bulletproof.
***
"Ilsan?"
Ji Ah had been summoned by Mi Na on the first day of the concert and the videographer wondered if it was now her boss's turn to reprimand her after Bang PD. The late afternoon sunlight bounced off the glass panes, the winter chill held at bay by the heater Mi Na had turned on in her office. The brunette-haired woman had expected her boss to chide her for unprofessionalism, totally thrown off track by what she actually had to say.
"Yes, in Ilsan. It's a training program scheduled to run for a couple of months or more if required, for young, aspiring videographers. I was thinking of sending you as one of the instructors considering the fact that that's how you got a job here so you'll be able to guide them well, show them the ropes," Mi Na explained with a flick of her wrist, her voice lacking the usual snarky and sarcastic tone and Ji Ah wondered what had induced the change.
"When does the program begin?" she asked slowly, still trying to wrap her head around the offer. It was a good one, there was no doubt, and it would provide her with the perfect opportunity to polish her own skills. Not to mention the fact that it was in her hometown which meant she could spend more time with her family, something she needed. There was nothing to hold her back really.
Except for her relationship with Namjoon.
"In about a week, but you'll be required to go immediately since you'll need to prep for it," Mi Na answered and Ji Ah was aware that her boss was scrutinizing her reaction carefully. For a moment, the videographer was tempted to reject the offer, indeed that was what her emotions demanded. Namjoon and Ji Ah were barely finding enough time to spend in each other's company as it was and if she moved to Ilsan for a few months, chances of seeing him would reduce by a great degree. But the pressing weight of logic deemed otherwise. It was a great chance for her to revisit her roots, explore her own strengths and weakness by discovering herself, something she hadn't been able to do.
But then Ji Ah thought of Namjoon, of how perfectly her fingers fit with his, how his warmth drove away the cold, how his eyes lit up at the sight of her as if she was bedecked in stardust and starlight and everything that glimmered. How could she give up the one thing that meant everything to her?
But how can you give him the love he deserves if you don't even know how to love yourself? a voice prodded at the back of her mind.
The truth was hard-hitting and Ji Ah knew her heart was still wavering. She couldn't hurt Namjoon with false pretences. She cared about him, there was no doubt. And she was certain she could love him, too. She just had to get there first by understanding what the emotion truly meant.
"Can you give me some time to think?" Ji Ah finally asked in a low voice and Mi Na sighed, knowing exactly what was troubling her. She nodded, informing her that she expected a response in two days at the latest before the deadline passed by. The videographer bobbed her head in acknowledgement, turning to leave when her boss's voice stopped her.
"Be true to yourself, Ji Ah. That's the only thing that matters."
Ji Ah didn't answer, already having arrived at this conclusion even though it seemed to rip her heart in two.
***
"I wish I could love myself~"
"We love you~" throngs of ARMYs sang in return and Namjoon felt like his chest would burst with affection and gratitude. When he was younger, he had always been prone to anxiety and occasional bouts of insecurity and now, slowly but surely, he was beginning to find his way again, beginning to grow stronger. The rapper was confident that he was finally getting to the point where he could accept himself without any reservations or qualms and it was all thanks to the experiences in his life which had brought him to this juncture.
And Ji Ah, too.
Namjoon couldn't help the love surging in his heart for her, attributing his newfound perspective to the videographer even though she had denied having any influence over him, asserting it was the other way round. As he belted out his solo track, he wondered if she was out there somewhere listening to him pour his soul out, finally comfortable in his own skin.
And unbeknownst to him, Ji Ah was watching his performance. The videographer had arrived backstage just a minute after the rapper had taken the stage, her eyes gleaming with pride and fondness, her mind lulled by the soulful track which spoke of struggles and battles and hopes and dreams and everything in between.
"He's amazing, isn't he?" a voice pierced through Ji Ah's reverie and she whirled around. Min Yoongi was leaning against one of the pillars which supported the overhead rafters, his studded jacket glittering in the colourful lights retracting against it. "You can really feel his passion in this piece." He was studying her intently and the videographer panicked for a second, thinking the rapper could see exactly what she was thinking.
"He's always had a way of expressing himself through music," she answered, trying to sound nonchalant. But her voice cracked and Yoongi was quick to notice.
"Has something happened, Ji Ah?" he asked softly, a rare tenderness lacing Yoongi's otherwise gruff voice. "You look…forlorn."
"I'm just thinking how lucky I am to have him. Namjoon deserves the world and he deserves all the love and I'm not sure I'm the right person to give it to him," Ji Ah blurted out in a rush and the rapper's eyes widened. He strode towards her, gently grabbing her elbow and steering her out of earshot. Around them the area was bustling with activity, people getting ready for the next performance. Taehyung was already hidden away in the telephone booth and the staff were double-checking all the equipment.
Yoongi helped her into a seat overlooking the large screen which had been placed for the members to monitor the solos and Ji Ah's eyes traced every feature of Namjoon's face enhanced by the light; his twinkling eyes, his content smile, his powerful voice. All so very hypnotic and her heart clenched.
~You have no idea how much you inspire me, Kim Namjoon.~
As if reading her thoughts, Yoongi leaned forward. "You have no idea how much you inspire him," his observation caught her off guard and the videographer blinked. "Ever since you guys reconciled, it's all he's been talking about. Namjoonie is happy with you, Ji Ah. Hold onto that." He smiled, the action softening his features. "I know it's daunting and scary to date someone who has such an erratic schedule, but you guys can overcome the odds. I mean, you've already split the sky in half. None of this is a coincidence."
"You're going to preach the lyrics of 'DNA' to me?" Ji Ah remarked in a playful tone, attempting to shake off her anxiety. "Self-promotion at its best I see."
Yoongi grinned, his gums visible and his rigid posture loosened, relief flooding him at the videographer's sassy comment. "Well, if that's what it takes for you to believe you guys are great together." He motioned for Ji Ah to come closer, placing a finger against his lips. "Now you better not tell anyone this conversation happened, you hear? I have a reputation to uphold." The rapper smirked, rising to bid her adieu and Ji Ah laughed despite herself. But she wondered what Yoongi would say if he could hear her thoughts right now.
He'd tell her to not hurt Namjoon as she would eventually end up doing.
Ji Ah shook her head vigorously, refusing to give into the swirling darkness in her head. Yoongi was right; they could get through this. After all, they had made it so far, hadn't they? But try as she might, the videographer couldn't shake the feeling that she needed to find her way, just like Namjoon had. He had always been her inspiration and she wanted to show him just how grateful she was.
Whipping out her phone, she dialed a number she hadn't dialed in ages. Her father answered after three rings, his baritone voice crackling through the speaker. "Ji Ah?"
"Hey, Dad," she answered softly, clutching her phone tightly. "How have you been?"
"Better now that we've finally moved on to the occasional phone calls." Chan Hyuk chuckled and Ji Ah smilled. "How are you doing? Any plans to visit us soon?"
The videographer bit her lip, torn between mentioning the prospect of a temporary new job in Ilsan and keeping it a secret until she could be sure of her decision. But something in her father's tone made her want to spill everything. And so she did. The silence on the other end of the line was palpable as she relayed the particulars of the training program. "…and if I accept, I'll have to move to Ilsan for the foreseeable future."
"And you don't want to?" Her father's question was a simple one and yet Ji Ah felt a knot twisting in her stomach. "It sounds like a great opportunity to me but you're clearly conflicted." There was a pause and then Chan Hyuk continued. "It's because of that Kim boy, isn't it? You don't want to leave him."
Ji Ah recognized the curtness in the statement and sighed. "It's not as simple as that, Dad. Namjoon and I…we're trying really hard right now, what with his hectic schedule and my shoots. But…"
"But you feel like this isn't the right time?" Chan Hyuk voiced the doubt that had been plaguing her for weeks now. Her father had always been incredibly good at picking up signals and this was one such instance. "You want to love him but you're afraid you can't, isn't that it?"
"Bingo," Ji Ah replied, her voice devoid of any mirth. It was true and she couldn't deny it anymore. "Namjoon deserves nothing but the very best. And I know I can be the very best but not now, not while I'm still trying to learn to accept myself. I want to be with him when I know I can make him happy instead of making him worry over the slightest shift in my moods because I can't handle myself. Because I know I can. I just…I just..."
"Need a little more time," her father finished for her and the videographer could discern the comprehension coating his tone. "You just need a little more time, Ji Ah-yah." It wasn't just a statement now but more like advice, advice she hadn't realize she craved.
The videographer found herself agreeing, each passing minute strengthening her conviction that she needed to find a way, her way, before she could commit to anything else. "What do I tell him, Dad? I can't hurt him."
There was a beat before Chan Hyuk answered. "Tell him exactly what you told me, that you care about him, love him even but you also need to love yourself. Because till you can't find a way to do that, any other love you feel will be superficial and will only hurt you both." Another pause followed and then her father's tone took on a gentler note. "And I know he'll understand, Ji Ah."
"What makes you so sure?"
"Because he's been there himself. And because he knows what it feels like to be lost without a light. So he'll understand. Trust me, Ji Ah," Chan Hyuk coaxed and Ji Ah clung to the vestiges of hope reminiscent in his voice.
"I do, Dad. I trust you," she assured him, a decision beginning to take form in her head. The videographer knew what she had to do now, what she had to do not just for herself but for both of them. The static on the other end of the line alerted her that her father was still on-call and she pressed her phone against her ear to hear him above the din around her.
"And do you trust him, Ji Ah?"
There was no hesitation. "With all my heart."
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