Chương 10: No Worries?
I didn't fall. Something, or someone rather, was pulling me back, I turned around, grabbing whoever it was by the collar. I quickly let go upon recognizing that unmistakeable, fiery, red hair. "What the hell Natasha?!" I whisper-yelled, as if the whole world would hear us if I talked louder.
"What were you doing!?" She asked, her eyes were terrified, haunted even. "James don't tell me you were-" she covered her mouth with her hands, tears pricking her eyes.
I stayed quiet, clenching my jaw. What could I say? She saw what I was about to do...and when I thought about it I don't even know why I did it.
"I wasn't thinking straight. I'm sorry." I covered my face in my hands. What the hell was I thinking? "It's so loud..my mind. My thoughts. It all just comes. Pouring on me. It's to much. I can't-" My voice was breaking. I paused, swallowing the lump in my throat. "No matter how hard I try. Or you try. Or Steve tries. It never works...it never works." I could feel a tear stream down my cheek. "I want to live a normal life.." I said as I saw the figure of the Winter Soldier standing behind Natasha, reminding me he was still there.
Natasha walked up to me, her eyes locked on mine. "I know baby...I know.." she took my hand and held it tightly. "But this isn't the way to fix things. I know I keep saying it but we can do this okay? Together. I will keep fighting for you like you did for me. I will fight until I can't fight anymore." Tears ran down her cheek, her voice breaking. "Just don't leave me. Please.." she begged. "If there's one thing I need from you it's that. I can't lose you. I can't."
I nodded, pulling her to me, hugging her tightly, burying my face into her neck. "Okay.."
Deep down...there were so many things that could happen that I didn't know if I could keep that promise. So many things could happen, so many bad things. I hated all the uncertainty. At this point, I was just waiting for disaster to strike.
Natasha hadn't slept that night, and neither did I, we just stayed in each others arms, the both of us consumed by our own thoughts.
I kept dreading tomorrow...the therapist was supposed to come and I was not ready.
But of course time moves on whether you like it or not.
The next day I was sitting on the couch, biting my lip and fiddling with the end of my sweater, Natasha sat by me. "It's going to be fine."
"Yeah. Sure. Totally." I said with a sigh. "Can he just get here already?" I asked, annoyed because he was supposedly 'running late'. Steve finally walked through the front door, a man probably in his late thirties walked in, he wore what you would expect a doctor to wear.
A white coat. Looking at it made my stomach churn.
I remembered the doctors coming up to me, injecting fluids I didn't even know into me. The experiments and tests and needles and-
"You must be Mr. Barnes."
I looked up, realizing he was standing in front of me, his hand held out.
I shook his hand. "That's me."
"Don't worry. Your secrets are safe with me, I am a good friend of Steve's." He glanced at Steve for a moment before grabbing a chair and sitting in front of me. "Could you leave us alone for a moment?"
Steve nodded and left. Natasha didn't move, glancing at me for a moment and giving my hand a squeeze before leaving as well.
She seemed to be nervous too..
I said nothing and stared at his coat, biting my lip hard. "C-can you take that off please..?"
He gave me a skeptical look before shrugging and taking off his coat, putting it on the floor beside him. "Your name is James right?"
"Yeah." I avoided making eye contact with him, but I could feel his eyes studying me, trying to understand me. I wouldn't let him, at least not yet.
"I hear you start seeing things? A figure of some kind?" He asked, taking out a clipboard and pen from his...
Was it a purse? Why would he carry a purse? Was it some sort of 'man-purse' or something? I shook my head, remembering what he asked me.
I simply shrugged in response. Did this man really expect me to tell him everything?
He seemed to know what I was thinking, which was kind of freaky, but anyways-
He wrote something down and looked back up at me. "I know it's hard to trust someone you don't know, but I can try to help you James. But...the only way I can help is if you talk to me."
I crossed my arms,finally looking him in the eye. Just do it...you have to talk to him. Do it for Natasha, my mind kept telling me. There was a moment of silence but I finally spoke. "I see myself- or who I used to be rather.." I sighed.
"Do you see him all the time? Or do you see him at specific moments?" The man asked.
"I see him at random I guess. He usually goes away when I'm relaxed but that's not very often." I admitted.
"And you have nightmares correct?"
"Yeah." I leaned back, trying to get myself a little more comfortable.
"Could you describe them for me?" He wrote down more notes before looking up at me, waiting for an answer.
"W-well..." I looked at my hands as they began shaking. I held them, trying to get it to stop but they wouldn't as I thought back on the nightmares.
Flashes of the nightmares instantly came to my mind.
The book. The words. The punishments. The training room. The blood. The soldiers. The experiments. The needles. The screaming. The-
"James?" The man asked, concern in his voice.
I snapped back into reality and looked at him. "Oh uhm..sorry..I see things from m-my past.." I said quietly. "Stuff from H.Y.D.R.A."
"Okay..." he was muttering something under his breath as he continued to write. "How have you been holding up? I'm sure learning how everything works in the modern world is challenging."
"I have Natasha and Steve. They've helped a lot." I said, looking at my hands again, which were still shaking.
"Is there anything you want to say? Anything you want to talk about?"
I don't know what happened or why I said what I did but I told him about yesterday when I was on the roof. I told him that I let go of the edge, but Natasha stopped me from falling.
"I honestly don't know why I did it...it was really weird. Like I wasn't in control of myself. Hell, I never really am I guess.." Why did I just admit all that? I thought right after I spoke.
"This is good information. Thank you for letting me know all these things. I know it can be hard. I can give you medicine for the nightmares and hallucinations, the medicine will prevent them." He paused.
"As for what happened yesterday.." he glanced at me before looking back at his papers. "I think you not being in control has something to do with your H.Y.D.R.A. programming. Maybe the programming in your mind is making you do things you wouldn't usually do." He crossed his arms. "Were you actually intending on causing harm to yourself?"
I stayed quiet, actually unsure of that myself. "I don't know..maybe I was."
He nodded, a look of pity in his eyes before he stood up. "It was very nice to meet you James." He smiled. "Thank you so much for letting me help."
I gave my best fake smile. "No, thank you." I held my hand out and he shook it.
The therapist left and Steve went with him, it was just me and Natasha. We were eating dinner and we hadn't spoke about the therapist.
"So..what did you think?" Natasha looked at me, her expression tired yet very curious.
"Of the therapist? He was nice. I don't know honestly..." I shrugged, taking a bite of the food.
"Do you want to keep seeing him?" She asked, taking a sip of her drink.
"I don't know. It's only the first day Tasha.." I looked up at her, and took her hand in mine. "I'm so sorry about yesterday. I just want you to know..I never actually wanted to hurt myself. I wasn't in control of myself. I don't know how to explain it." I huffed, frustrated that I couldn't find an answer to anything anymore.
"I know." Natasha looked at me, there was still something there though, sadness? Disappointment maybe? I couldn't tell. "We just have to make sure it doesn't happen again." She said before she continued eating.
"Yeah..right." I picked at my food, not completely satisfied with her response. There was more behind it, something she wasn't telling me, but I didn't want to push anything. After I finished eating I put my plate in the sink. "Are you tired?"
"Yeah..I don't know if I'll get much sleep though.." she said, putting her plate into the sink.
I wrapped my arms around her, burying my face into her neck, kissing her smooth skin softly. I wanted to stay like this forever, just me and her, having no worries at all. I pulled away, seeing her cheeks slightly flushed.
She turned around and my expression then turned serious.
"I'm unsure of a lot of things. There's so many doubts and what ifs and I don't know what's going to happen to us and that scares me to death." I held her a little closer, as if she would disappear if I let go. "But you...you've been the only thing that I'm actually sure about. Your the only good thing in my life and I want you to know that I will not let anyone take you away from me. Ever."
She smiled, a real genuine smile. She put her arms around my neck, leaning up and kissing me. She pulled away for a moment, her face inches from mine. "I think if we just focus on what's standing right in front of us..we can be happy. Not worrying about what could happen but worrying about what we might be missing out on now."
I locked my eyes on hers and nodded. "I'll try..." I wanted nothing more than that. To have no worries..
But with everything going on it didn't seem possible.
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