If he tells her that, she will run away on the first chance. He can't even show it to her. This person hates him the most. There are billions of people in the world. He doesn't understand why does it have to be a crazy person like her. Honestly, he has never been in love before. He has never even dated before. Then, she is his first love?
He doesn't know how it is supposed to be. How he should treat her or how he should make her love him back? Whatever he does, she dislikes him more. It's only the beginning.
She makes him feel frustrated. He is always worried about her. She makes him go crazy. Sometimes, he is so mad that he wants to kill her. Other times, he wants to lock her in the house. He doesn't want her to get sick or hurt. He is afraid. Really afraid. She gives him the feeling that she easily disappears from his life. She has even warned him this repetitively. If she ever finds out that he has feelings for her. Something beyond sex. He knows that she would not approve of him. She hates being tied, especially to the Kamiyama family. She hates him because he is the son of the man who stole her mother away. She hates him because Kamiyama Shintaro broke her family.
He has to pay for his father's sins.
***
Suddenly, he wraps his arms around my waist and rests his head on my shoulder.
"Kamiyama, what are you doing?"
"Just stay like this for a while."
"Are you tired?"
"Mmm." He is tall. So, he is halfway bending his body. He snuggles my neck. His hot breath tickles me. I squirm, but I don't push him away. I don't know what to do. Should I pat his back? He did have a bad day. I guess I should not have high expectations from him. Rich people can lack a great deal of common sense. He is good at being a CEO, but he can't board the right train. Each human being has their own challenges to tackle.
It feels like an eternity. He finally lets go of me. He looks sad for some reason. The problems at home must be bothering him a lot. I keep creating problems for the Kamiyama family. Under his solemn gaze, I can't help but feel more guilty. Takeshi will be affected most by this. I am afraid that he would go through what I had gone through. I don't want that.
"What are you staring at?" He has been staring for a good minute now. "Is something wrong, Kamiyama?"
He lets out a loud sigh. "Takeuchi, let's go back. It's cold here."
"Kamiyama, I want to stay here for a while." The air is fresh. The night is cool. "It's beautiful here. The sky is full of bright stars. The land is full of fireflies. Isn't it dreamy?"
"I promised you that I would take you to beautiful places." He follows my gaze. "I guess I am keeping my promise."
"You are still talking about that?" He is weird. He is getting weirder. The mood is light now. "Show it to someone you love. I am not the right person."
"I will decide who is the right person." He lifts me up in his arms. "Your body is weak. You didn't eat dinner either. You should get a thorough checkup after we go back home."
"I am fine. It's nothing serious." Sooner or later, he will become suspicious. It will be a disaster if he finds out. What if Takeshi finds out? They will start feeling bad if they know the reasons. I don't want them to pay for my mother's sins. I am tired of hating people. I want to rest now. Away from this chaos where nobody can recognize me as the abandoned daughter of Kamiyama Hitomi.
There has been a time when I hated Takeshi a lot because my mother chose him over me. He became an important person. I hated Kamiyama. I still hate him. But, they are not at fault. They had little control over the adult's actions back then. Takeshi wasn't even born. Kamiyama was the same age as me. I don't want to shift those blames on them anymore. I still dislike the Kamiyama family a lot. I can't help with it. Grudges run deep, probably because of the issues that I still have. I can still find a hiding place again after everything is resolved. I want normalcy to come back to Takeshi's life. Is it too much to ask for?
I guess I hate myself the most. My father. My mother. My friends. If I had been lovable, they wouldn't have left me like that. They wouldn't have forgotten about me that easily. It must be me who couldn't be loved. I can't blame Takeshi, Kamiyama Kiyohira, or Kamiyama Shintaro for the things that I lost.
Kamiyama is carrying back to the Ozaki house. I close my eyes and fall deeper into my dreams.
***
Kamiyama puts her on the mattress beside him. She is sleeping soundlessly. He puts his arms around her and stares at her face. When she is asleep, her guards are down. She doesn't frown or glare. He wonders what she is dreaming about. He wants her to dream about him. That way, she will think more about him.
"Why would I like you?" He pulls her cheek. Her cheeks become red easily by his pinch. She is deeply asleep. He is sure that even the earthquake won't wake her up. Luckily, the night is cold. She won't suddenly start taking her clothes off. He doesn't know what he will do to her if she does that now. He knows now that he wants her to stay in his life forever. It is not easy to pretend that he doesn't want that.
"How do I make you love me back?" He thinks about Takeshi's suggestion. His younger brother is good at this. He should ask him more. But, how does he know more than him? Kamiyama frowns. He is sure that Takeshi hasn't dated anyone either. He doesn't understand his younger brother.
"You can have all of your guards up." He cups her cheek with his palm. "I will break everything down. I will enter your heart and become a resident. You can be stubborn. You can try running away. I will be vigilant. You doubt my abilities. It's alright if you still hate me. I will replace that hate with love. I will make you want me back. I will make you confess first. I will love you so much that you won't be able to run away from me. My love will become your cage. Use all of your weapons against me. I am ready for the war to obtain your heart."
Rie doesn't respond to him. She is dreaming about happy memories before everything went wrong. Her Birthdays. Laughter. The daily walk with her father. Her mother who loved to cook new food for her. Being hugged and kissed by her parents. Going to the festivals together and watching the fireworks in the sky. The pictures.
Those are her best memories before her family was broken apart.
________________
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"Are you not hungry?" Aunty Ozaki gives me a sweet potato. "Eat this on the way. You didn't eat anything last night."
I take the bundle of sweet potato. "I will eat it. Thanks a lot for everything."
"Son, take care of your wife." Uncle Ozaki pats Kamiyama's back. "Visit us again. Next time, come back with your child."
Kamiyama nods his head seriously. "I promise. We will visit you again with our future child."
I stare at him. This guy? Isn't he taking this too seriously? Don't promise things that can't happen. Never mind. I don't have any energy left to deal with this guy. I want to go back home.
Not home, temporary place at Kamiyama's residence.
He takes the bundle from me and walks a little ahead of me. At day time, the mountain looks less frightening. There are more people.
"Why did you promise that?" I can't help but ask. I am irritated that he would say things like that. It's better not about me. Does he have feelings for me already?
"Are you going to come back with your wife and child in the future?"
"Yes." I hear him reply. He doesn't stop walking. I jog up to him and grab his arm.
"Kamiyama, are you going to marry your secretary?" I look into his eyes. "Or have you decided on some other woman?"
Kamiyama gives me a smile. "Can anyone take the position of my wife? She has to be someone qualified enough to capture my heart. Most women aren't even eligible for that position."
The natural playboy. I am relieved. "I am curious about what kind of woman is qualified for you. If you are too picky, you will end up alone."
He takes my hand and squeezes it. "My pickiness level is nothing compared to yours. You didn't eat anything at Ozaki house because you are picky and whiny like bad children. Do you know how much you have hurt them?"
I exhale. He is noticing it sooner than I expected it. Being picky cannot be used as an excuse for a long time.
"Yes, I am picky and I care about hygiene." I chin up with fake attitude. "I can't just eat from any place. I also hate eating with other people. My grandmother used to say that you trust the other person if you are sharing the meal table with them. I don't trust them. What if someone poisons me?"
Half lie. Half truth. This way, this bastard won't bother me anymore. A cynical and untrusting personality is better than someone who can't eat in front of other people. I don't want anyone to know how broken I am. Is it wrong? I don't know. I will keep my wounds to myself. I don't want anyone's pity.
***
The excuse is ridiculous. It makes him laugh. He hasn't forgotten about her house and the layers of dust. He will never forget about that cockroach either. Can he forget about empty ramen containers from a street store? Her house was a dumpster. Besides, who will poison her?
He resists the urge to point it out when he sees the flicker of vulnerability and worry in her eyes. It's quickly replaced with anger and fake pride. He stares at her for a long time.
Not eating food with them at their house, seducing and pretending to love him at the office when he asked her to eat lunch with him, suddenly throwing up like that at the hotel when he fed her, distracting them with the gaming competition at the hospital, not eating at the Ozaki old couple's house.
Is it that she doesn't like eating in front of other people or is it that she can't eat in front of other people?
She turns her back to him and clenches her small hands. Her hair is rolled into a bun. She is walking fast ahead of him, trying to hide her trembles beneath her oversized hoodie.
"Kamiyama, we should hurry. We can't miss the train."
***
Did he guess it? Why did he look at me like that? I am afraid of turning around and see him. But, he won't stay quiet if he finds out, right? I don't want anyone to know. He isn't that smart. He won't figure it out.
What will happen if he finds out my weakness? I don't know what he will do. Will he laugh at me for being like this? Because I am still affected by something that happened years ago? Because I am weak? I am afraid. I don't want anyone to look down at me. I don't want to show them my weaknesses. Will he use my weakness against me?
I keep walking ahead of him, afraid that he will read my mind if I turn around. He hasn't said any word either. At the station, I avoid looking at him. The train finally arrives to take us back to the city.
In the train, I pretend to sleep. He isn't looking at me. He is looking out of the window, deep in thought. If this horrible person finds out, he will definitely use it to torture me. I don't want to go through it again.
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