Chương 33: Don't Turn your Back on Me
As we reach the table Harry let's go of my wrist and pulls out the chair for me to sit down. I feel like my wrist is literally burning from his touch, I rub my fingers over it and he grabs the chair next to me and scoots it across the concrete to sit directly in front of me. His chair is so close that his knees are almost touching mine.
"What could you possibly want to talk about Harry?" I ask him in the harshest tone I can muster.
He takes a deep breath and pull his beanie off again and sits it on the table. I watch as his long fingers run through his hair and he looks into my eyes.
"I am sorry" he says and look away and focus on the large tree in the backyard. "Did you hear me?" He asks and leans in.
"Yea I heard you" I snap. He is crazier than I thought if he think he can just say sorry and I will forget the horrible things he continues to do to me on almost daily basis.
"You're so damned difficult to deal with" he says and sit back on his chair. The bottle I tossed into the yard is in his hand and he takes another drink. How is he not passed out from drinking so much?
"I am difficult? You have to be kidding me! What do you expect me to do Harry? You are cruel to me, so cruel." I say and pull my bottom lip between my teeth. I will not cry in front of him. Noah has never made me cry, we have been in a few fight over the years but I have never been upset to cry.
"I don't mean to be" his voice is quiet.
"Yes you do and you know it. You do it purposely. I have never been treated this poorly by anyone in my entire life" I bite my lips harder. I can feel the knot in my throat. If I cry he wins. That's what he wants.
"Then why do you keep coming around? Why not just give up?"
"If I..I don't know but I can assure you after tonight I am not going to. I am going to drop Literature and take it next semester" I say, I hadn't planned on doing that until now but it is exactly what I should do.
"Don't, please don't do that"
"Why would you care? You wouldn't want to be forced to be around someone as pathetic as me right?" My blood is boiling. If I knew what to say to hurt him as bad as he always hurts me I would.
"I didn't mean that. I am the pathetic one" I release my lil from my teeth and my mouth falls open.
"Well, I won't argue with that" I say and he takes another drink. I reach for the bottle and he pulls it away. "So you are the only one who can get drunk?" I ask and a small smile appear on his face. The patio light shines off of his eyebrow rings as he hands me the bottle.
"I thought you are going to toss it again" he says and I put the bottle in my lips. The liquor is warm and tastes like burnt licorice dipped into rubbing alcohol. I gag and Harry chuckles.
"How often do you drink?" I ask him. I need to get back to been angry with him after he answers.
"Before tonight it has been about six months" his eyes fall to the floor like he is ashamed.
"Well, you shouldn't drink anymore. It makes you an even worse person than usual"
"You think I am a bad person? His tone is serious. Is he that drunk the he would ever consider himself a good person?
"Yes" I breath.
"I'm not. Well maybe I am. I want you to.." he stops.
"You want me to what?" I have to know what he was going to say. I hand him back the bottle and he sits it on the table. I don't want to drink, that one drink was bad enough and I already have terrible judgement around Harry as it is.
"Nothing" he tells me and I know he is lying.
Why am I even here? Noah is back in my room waiting for me and here I am wasting even more time on Harry.
"I should go" I say and stand up.
"Don't go" my feet stop in their track at the pleading tone in his voice. I turn around and he is less than a foot from me.
"Why not? Do you have more insults to throw in my face?" I shout and turn away from him. I feel his hand wrap around my arm and he jerks me back.
"Don't turn ur back on me!" He shouts even louder than I did.
"I should have turn my back on you a long time ago!" I scream and push against his chest. "I don't know why I am even here! I came all the way here the second Liam called me! I left my boyfriend who like you said is the only one who can stand to be around me, to come here for you! You know what? You are right Harry, I am pathetic. I am pathetic for coming here, I am pathetic for even trying.." I am cut off by his lips against mine.
I push at his chest to stop him but he doesn't budge. Every part of me wants to kiss him back but I stop myself. I feel his tongue trying to pry it's way between my lips and he wrap his arms around me pulling me closer to him despite me continuing to push against him. it's no use, he is stronger than me.
"Kiss me Tessa" He says against my lips.
I shake my head and he grunts in frustration.
"Please, just kiss me. I need you" his words unravel me. This incident, drunken, terrible man just said he needs me and somehow it sounds like poetry to my ears. Harry is like a drug to me, even if I take the tinniest bit of him, I crave more and more. He consumes my thoughts and invades my dreams.
The second my lips part his mouth is on mine again, this time I don't resist. I can't. I know this isn't the answer to my problems and I am just digging myself deeper but that doesn't matter right now. All that matters is his words "I need you" could Harry possibly need me the way I desperately need him? I doubt it but for right now I pretend that he does. He brings one of his hand to cup my cheek and he runs his tongue along my bottom lip. I shudder and he smile, his lip ring tickling the corner of my mouth. I hear a rustling noise and pull away. He lets me stop the kiss but he keeps his arms wrapped tightly around me, his body pressed against mine. I look towards the back door and pray that Liam didn't witness my terrible lapse of judgement. I don't see him, thank god.
"Harry, I really have to go. We can't keep doing this, it's not good for either of us" I tell him and look down.
"Yes we can" he says and lift up my chin, forcing me to look into his green eyes.
"No, we can't. You hate me and I don't want to be your punching bag anymore. You confuse me. One minute you're telling me how much you can't stand me or you're humiliating me after my most intimate experience" he opens his mouth to interrupt me and I put my finger against his pink lips and continues, "then the next minute you are kissing me and telling me you need me. I don't like who I am when I am with you and I hate the way I feel after you say terrible thing is to me."
"Who are you when you are with me?" He asks.
"Someone I don't want to be, someone who cheats on their boyfriend and cries constantly" I explain.
"You know who I think you are when you are with me?" He runs his thumb along my jawline and I try to stay focused.
"Who?"
"Yourself, I think this is the real you, you're just too busy caring what everyone else thinks about you to realized it" he sounds so honest and sure of his answer that I take a second to really think about his words. "And I know what I did to you after I fingered you." He notices my scowl and continues, "sorry..after our experience was wrong. I felt terrible after you got out of my car."
"I doubt that" I snap, remembering how much I cried that night.
"It's true, I swear it. I know you think I am a bad person..but you make me.." Why does he always stop?
"Finish that sentence or I am leaving" I tell him and I mean it.
"You..you make me want to be good, for you..I want to be good for you Tess"
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