Chương 72: Bittersweet Happiness
In the silence of her own bedroom, Rose stared out into the distance through her windows and out onto the endless seas.
Thanks to the Finaflor's mansion's location on the cliffside which overlooked the docklands, Rose was naturally also given a fine view of the ocean that laid beyond said docklands.
The Drussians and the Breetish had already long since left Jardim city and pushed on to 'liberate' the rest of Portegol, leaving behind only a single army battalion to garrison the city.
Occasionally, resupply convoys would disembark on the port city before making their way to meet with the rest of the Confederate army.
While Rose did note that there was something 'off' about the Confederates recently, she never really bothered to look too much into it.
By her own admission, she no longer cared.
In reality, she didn't care about many things anymore, instead her mind just drifted elsewhere as she literally did nothing.
Ever since Orchid's suicide, Rose found that a small, metaphorical piece of her 'died' alongside Orchid.
Rose no longer concerned herself with the domestic matters of her own city or foreign affairs the could decide the fate of her people.
She no longer attempted to instate new reforms now that the Portegeese were no longer under the Panish Empire or try to stabilise her war weary city.
She no longer kept up to date with the current war situation in the eastern front or the current state of international politics.
She even left all of the management of the city to the surviving vassal noble houses under the Finaflor family, only giving them her 'seal of approval' but never taking an in-depth look at any of their reports.
She no longer did... anything anymore.
Nothing that mattered anyway.
Of course, she would still go out to eat and sometimes, she would even play with her younger sister; Lily.
But moments like those were sparse and when they did occur, they didn't really last for long.
"Tch"
Rose couldn't help clicking her tongue as she once again lost herself in thoughts that in all honesty she'd rather avoid at all costs.
But even her own mind was working against her.
It was at moments like these that she can't help but ask herself;
'Why am I like this?'
Before the Confederate invasion, Rose could remember herself as someone who was once determined to take action yet only lacked the resources and manpower to do so.
And now, here she is, with all the resources of the entire Jardim city at her disposal. In reality she really was no longer in a position to request for more resources.
And yet here she was, standing idly, alone in her bedroom with the doors locked and looking out onto the seas, instead only ensuring that her stomach was filled and allowing her subordinates see to the management and stability of the port city.
Where was that eager 'Rose' that once sought to rid all of Portegol of any and all Panish influence?
Since when did she disappear?
Since when did she get replaced?
That question consistently nagged at Rose whenever her thoughts lead her astray, invading into her mind whenever possible.
But deep down inside, she already knew the answer.
Perhaps it was time to finally admit it.
It was at the moment that she met with Sicilia for the second time.
The moment that she betrayed everything, just to see her own dreams become a reality.
At that moment, she had become the kind of person that she always detested.
She had become a sycophant.
She had become a dog.
She had become just like her older sister.
But instead of being a dog for the Paniards like Orchid was, she had become a dog for the Confederates.
What an ironic twist of fate indeed.
Although it was never formally or officially stated, it was plain and obvious.
Jardim city and probably the rest of Portegol were most likely to be seen as vassal puppet states by the Confederates.
It was just that the Confederates for some reason were not very 'open' about it so to speak.
But Rose no longer let such thoughts bother her.
She could be a lifeless puppet for all she cared.
She had become the very thing she hated in order to 'win.'
And that was something that Rose struggled to live with.
"Guahahahahaha"
Rose didn't know why but she broke out into a laughter out of nowhere.
Perhaps it was because she found the whole ordeal to be quite hilarious or perhaps it was because she was having a mental breakdown, either way, they were both 'the same' to her.
As she continued to quietly laugh to herself, a particularly 'dark thought' pervaded in her mind.
When Rose pondered on said 'dark thought,' she remembered Orchid's final words before she threw herself off the cliff.
'Goodbye Rose. Until we meet again.'
At the thought of this memory, Rose couldn't help chuckling to herself one more time before she spoke to seemingly no one.
"Well Orchid... I think we might be meeting sooner than you may think."
As Rose said this, she turned around to check that no one else was in her bedroom.
Although she knew that since no one should be in her private room especially since it was locked, she still had to check 'just in case.'
It was only once she was sure that she was completely alone that she made her way for one of her drawer compartments next to her bed.
A relatively small drawer compartment that stood at a height shorter than her bed.
The drawer in which she kept her musket pistol.
Picking the pistol up and holding it in her hands, Rose felt the corners of her mouth twitch as she inspected the weapon.
The tracings on the musket pulsed a dim blue light as she poured some of her arcane magic into the weapon.
After examining the gun for a few short momente, she turned her artentiok back to the same drawer where she kept the weapon.
Inside were a few bullet rounds as well, all of whom were neatly packaged into a small box inside the drawer.
Rose felt her heart tremble as she opened the small box, took a small round and loaded it into the pistol, the light on the pistol growing slightly brighter than before as she did so.
This was the weapon that she was supposed to have used to kill Orchid in their last encounter on that cliffside.
The weapon the ultimately never fired when the opportunity presented itself.
Rose never really forgave herself for her actions but perhaps she could now find solace in 'redemption.'
If she failed in killing Orchid, then she could simply just kill someone who was just like Orchid.
After taking a deep breath, Rose felt her grip tighten around the pistol as she lifted the weapon upwards towards her target.
Her finger laid firm onto the trigger while the barrel of the gun planted itself firmly onto Rose's right temple.
This was it.
All she had to do was pull the trigger.
If she pulled the trigger then it would all be over.
If she just pulled the damn trigger, then she would 'succeed.'
It was just like before when she confronted Orchid.
Except this time, she couldn't possibly allow herself to fail for a second time.
And yet, the pistol still will not fire.
"Damn it!"
Inexplicably, Rose instinctively and quickly threw the gun away from herself as she shouted, making a loud thumping sound as it hit against the wall.
Completely mortified, Rose fell onto her knees and hands as she felt her eyes starting to become watery.
Her voice stuttered as she once again spoke to herself.
"D-damn it... W-why?.. Why?.."
Soon, the tears that formed in her eyes began to gently stream down her face as she spoke.
"W-why am I like this? Why did this have to happen to me? J-just... Just why?"
Rose felt her head ache as she forced herself to find the answer.
A answer.
Any answer.
As long as it was an answer.
Then she would be content with it.
But much to her dismay, she just could not find the answer.
After a few moments of trying in vain to find the answer, Rose would only be met with failure after failure.
Soon, Rose forced herself to stand up as she continued searching for the answer, hoping, praying that she could find it.
Her eyes darted around her room as she desperately sought the answer, as unpractical as that may sound.
Even though she knew that she couldn't possibly find the answer in her bedroom, she still did so anyway.
Something, anything that could pass off as a 'solution.'
Soon, her eyes rested onto a single, ordinary decorative object in her bedroom.
A lily pot.
And that was when a sudden thought flashed through Rose's mind.
A revelation that was such an obvious answer that Rose could not believe that she didn't think of it before.
"Lily..."
Rose felt as if all of her thoughts left her as she absentmindedly stared at the lily pot, not saying a single word as she did so.
As she stared at the lily pot, Rose felt her mind slightly calm down. Her sense of unease faded away and was replaced with a sense of serenity.
The answer was standing in her bedroom the whole time and yet Rose was too blinded by her own self hate to actually see it.
The reason that she couldn't end it was actually really simple and straightforward.
She still had something to live for.
Lily Phlor Finaflor.
Rose's younger sister.
Rose's younger sister who would be left all alone if Rose took her own life.
If Rose ended it all now, then who will look out for Lily now that Orchid was dead?
What kind of sin would Rose have committed if she took not just one but both of Lily's older sisters away from her?
No, Rose couldn't possibly bring herself to do such a thing.
Soon, Rose felt a real, genuine smile grow on her face as she mentally strengthened her resolve.
Even if she did nothing to contribute to the world or her people.
Even if she hated herself.
Even if she wanted to end herself.
She would keep on living.
For Lily's sake, she would keep on living.
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