R_Gupta

It was close to midnight when I got back. I'd had time to think, and thinking when things are that fucked up can have consequences you may come to regret. I walked up the stairs in the dark, not bothering to turn on the lights. Why would I? I passed Noah's door and felt a needle jab me in the heart. The love of my life was in there…the same person who had hurt me the way everyone I'd ever let get close to me had. Did I hate Noah? I had hated her, and it was very likely I even hated her in that instant. Or maybe now was when I hated her most because now was when I needed her most, when her absence felt most acute, when my mind was screaming at me to go after her and my heart was yearning for someone to give me some kind of inner peace, some kind of relief from the pain.I opened her door, not bothering to knock. She was in bed, awake, surrounded by books, same as before. My sister was sleeping next to her, splayed out on the mattress and sucking her thumb, just as she'd done since she was ten months old. Noah closed her book carefully, took off her glasses, and looked at me. "Where have you been?" she asked calmly. "You've been gone for like five hours… Are you okay?" I took the book from her hands and laid it on the nightstand. "I want to talk to you," I said. I glanced over at the door. She hesitated, and I felt suddenly frustrated. "You owe it to me," I added through clenched teeth. Minutes may have passed before she got up wordlessly and followed me to my room. Our eyes met, and I couldn't stop myself. I put my hands on her cheeks and kissed her as hard as I could. Her back bumped against the door. I could breathe again. In the darkness, I barely noticed how tense she was, but after a few intense seconds, she turned away. "Don't do this to me, Nicholas," she warned me in a hardly audible whisper. I brushed away a lock of her hair and tucked it carefully behind her ear, trying to draw out our contact as long as possible. Her fragrance enveloped me, driving me crazy with desire, with love… That scent was so dense, so special, so hers. One whiff of it was enough to intoxicate me. And I needed that right now. I stroked her cheek, and she closed her eyes, her breathing labored. Was she suffering as I was? Did the distance make her ache the way it did me? "Why can't I forget you?" I asked, pressing my forehead into hers. "Why are you the only thing that can help me in a moment like this?" "Nicholas…" she said.Our eyes met with an almost electric charge, too much for me to stand, and I buried my face in her neck. I had to. I kissed the soft skin of her throat, first slowly, barely touching it. My nose traced a line from her hairline to her clavicle. Grabbing her waist, I pulled her into me. I needed more. Much more. Noah's hands were on my chest, caressing me at first, but then, as I only noticed later in my trance, pushing me away. "You're not thinking clearly," she said. "You don't want to do this." Her nightgown barely covered her thighs, and I put my hands beneath it, sliding upward to her buttocks, where I stopped, wondering whether I was crazy, wondering whether I would regret this later. I kissed her cheeks, the corner of her lips, her eyelids…then plunged into her throat. I wasn't kissing her anymore… I was sucking, nibbling, drinking from her. I was lost in her, lost in a limbo where we as separate people no longer existed. Noah yelped, and that made me want to keep going. I lifted her, and her legs wrapped around my waist. She cupped my face, and now we were truly looking at each other, as if we'd met again after an eternity. There was no rancor in her eyes; there was nothing but love, the same love I felt for her, the love for me that I knew must still be alive in her heart. A love that needed to disappear, dammit, a love I kept trying to bury and that kept coming back to the surface at the worst moments, making me violate all my principles. "I need you," I confessed. Her breath mingled with mine, and I thought I'd faint from pleasure. Touching her—that was the only thing that could calm my pain. I didn't hesitate. I felt her lips responding against mine, and I put aside all doubts. I pounced on her, pressed her into the door, and her lips opened to receive me as if we were kissing for the first time. I had to have her, had to relieve my body's torment."I'm going to make love to you, Noah," I said, as if it were something inevitable, something that just had to happen. "Since we broke up, everything's been shit. My life is falling apart, and it's getting worse by the day. I hate needing you the way I do. I hate knowing that even now, you're the only one who can make me forget, even if it's just for a few minutes, that my mother is dying." Tears welled in my eyes. I kissed her so she wouldn't see them. She shook her head, and in the moonlight, I could see her weeping, too. "You know this will only make things worse," she whispered. I could feel her heartbeat, almost at the same rhythm as mine. "They can't get worse… Things couldn't be more fucked up than they are now," I said. "This will just hurt us," she whispered again. "Tomorrow morning, things will be the same as before…" I kissed her, felt a tear beneath my lips, licked it, savored it. "That night in New York, you asked me to pretend I'd forgiven you. Now I need you to do that for me." She trembled against me, we kissed again, and I carried her off to my bed.

CULPA NUESTRA③ (OUR FAULT) ENGLISH TRANSLATION

Fantasy · CRAVINGGREATREADS

I nodded without thanking him. Nothing in that room represented any effort whatsoever from him. It was money, nothing else. I closed the door and noticed there wasn't a lock. The floor was wood, covered with a white rug so thick you could use it as a mattress. The bathroom was as big as my old bedroom and had a massaging shower, a bathtub, and two sinks. I walked over to the window and looked outside. Below me I could see the backyard, the humongous pool, and the gardens with their flowers and palm trees.

CULPA MIA ① (MY FAULT) ENGLISH TRANSLATION

Fantasy · CRAVINGGREATREADS

Now she was kissing up to me. Mature. I still wasn't sure whether that word defined me, and I doubted a guy who was nearly twenty-two would really feel like showing me the city or letting me meet his friends. If I even wanted to, which was a whole different question.

CULPA MIA ① (MY FAULT) ENGLISH TRANSLATION

Fantasy · CRAVINGGREATREADS

I tried to stay away from him. I used all my strength to try to stop myself from glancing over at him. Luca helped a lot: when I'd escaped everyone after the ceremony, when I'd broken down and needed a few minutes to recover, he had given me his hand, had helped me up, and had made a funny comment that had brought a smile to my lips. Who could have ever imagined that Lion's gangster brother would turn out to be so fun? He had promised me he wouldn't leave me on my own that night; he'd laughed at me, saying I was like Nicholas's lapdog, looking at him all the time with that cow-eyed stare. If Luca had noticed that, then Nicholas definitely had, too. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me, really. So we made a deal: Luca would be my life raft that night. As long as we were together, I could avoid the temptation to look, let alone break down and ask Nicholas to forgive me, even though it had passed through my head countless times since we'd seen each other again. When I saw him dance with that girl, flirt with her, I felt my heart shrivel. If a mere dance made me feel that way, how must he have felt when he'd found out I'd slept with another guy? I wasn't an idiot; I knew Nicholas hadn't taken a vow of celibacy after breaking up with me. The list of girls he'd been with was probably endless. Luca saw me watching him and pinched me on the hip and reprimanded me. After that, I turned away, concentrating on the people in front of me. Of course, that was harder when we were all sitting at the same table. My eyes turned in Nick's direction a few times, but whenever they did, Luca pinched me under the table. The last time he did it, it tickled, and I laughed out loud. That was when Nicholas almost shattered his glass slamming it down on the table. He got up and disappeared toward the bathroom. "He's jealous," Luca said, scowling after him. Jealous? "No… He just can't stand having me here in front of him," I replied, depressed, and took a sip of my champagne. Nicholas came back with a girl on his arm. People were standing up now; the band was playing, and the time to dance had come. The bride and groom took to the floor first, and the whole ambience changed: the lights shifted, the floor filled with people shaking their limbs, and people switched from champagne and wine to high-octane cocktails. Luca pulled me out onto the dance floor. I was glad to be rid of Nick and not have to watch him feeling the brunette up under the table. It was gross, gross, and I was so, so jealous. Luca and I danced the way friends do. He was behaving. Not for one second did he try to make a move on me or even suggest he might. We found Lion and Jenna, and the four of us danced together, laughing and having a ball. It was the best moment of the night. Nicholas wasn't there; God knew what he and the girl were up to, which made my blood boil, but the drinks in me helped make everything easier. What happened afterward…I have to admit, it was my fault.A moment came when I turned around and saw him… I saw him kissing her, and she was sitting on his lap, but that wasn't the worst of it: he was staring at me while he did it, his lips pressed into the brunette's neck and his eyes looking straight into mine. He smiled. I stopped dancing. And what I did next…damn it! Was I never going to learn? Luca knew what I was looking at, and he came over to say something. He bent over to whisper in my ear over the thundering of the music, and then…then the old Noah took over, and everything I'd learned during those months, all those sessions with the psychologist, all my regrets, all of it went to hell just then, and I grabbed Luca by the neck, pulled him downward, and pressed my lips into his. The weird thing was he didn't pull away. I felt his tongue in my mouth, his hand on my back pulling me into him. What was I doing? I didn't have much time to think about it because someone pulled him backward right away, and the next thing I knew, Luca was on the ground, his lip busted open and bleeding. I looked up and saw Nicholas completely out of his mind. Shaking his injured hand, he looked at Luca and then at me. His wounded gaze made me tremble…but I was also seething. He clenched his teeth and turned around. Luca got up—or rather, the people around him helped him up—while Nick walked off to the other side of the room. I didn't know what the hell was going on with me. Maybe the champagne had clouded my judgment. But I went after him, and not to ask for his forgiveness. He had gone out back to where the wedding had been held, where the chairs were still perfectly arranged, as were the flowers. It was deserted there, but still, the noise from the party was deafening. "Where are you going, Nicholas?" I yelled.I almost stumbled down the stairs. He turned, red-faced, angry I had followed him. "You had no right to do that!" I roared. I was out of my mind, half-drunk, pissed off. A bad combination. I walked toward him. He looked serious, trying to decide what he was going to do. He was scary, even. But I didn't bow down. The opposite, actually. His attack of jealousy showed something; there was no denying it… He hadn't forgotten me. I refused to believe that now, and if I had to face his fury to get him to confess it, then so be it. I shoved him. "You liar!" I shouted. I cocked back my fists, ready to strike him in the chest as hard as I could. "You're a fucking liar, Nicholas!" For a second, he barely moved, but then I saw his chest rising and falling. He let me keep hitting him, but just two more times before his hands came up and stopped mine. That contact angered me more than anything else. "You say you forgot me? Well, your actions don't show it! You said nothing could come between us!" He looked at me incredulously. "You're the one who broke every single fucking promise, Noah, the one who decided to ruin everything, goddammit! You're worthless, Noah—to me you're completely worthless." His words made me stop short. I froze, on the verge of vomiting. I swallowed, cleared my throat, tried to look into his eyes, but I couldn't see him well, could hardly see at all. My vision was blurry… It took me a little time to realize it was because my eyes were full of tears. "How can you say that?" I asked, my voice cracking. Standing there, looking as upset, as sorrowful as I felt, Nicholas observed me… How could he have said that? To me? "Because it's the fucking truth." He turned around and took a few steps."I made a mistake, Nicholas! One fucking mistake!" My shouts didn't stop him. "Your crazy ex-girlfriend made me think you were cheating on me! You kissed Sophie right in front of me, but I'm the one who screwed it all up?! You did that! You forced me into making the worst mistake of my life! You allowed me to be used, to be used as if…as if I…" I couldn't keep talking through the sobs. I was bitter, burned, torn apart inside…and yet what I was saying was what I felt: if it hadn't been for his lies, there was no way I'd ever have wound up in a position where someone else could take advantage of my weakness, using things I'd told him in confidence… I looked up, and there Nick was in front of me. He'd come back. The rage in his face was so pure, so terrifying, that I almost wanted to step backward, but then he did the last thing I would have expected: he wrapped an arm around my waist, and his lips touched mine. I thought it was a nightmare at first, one of the many I'd had recently, when sleep overwhelmed me and I thought I was with the Nicholas from before—we were happy, we were kissing, and suddenly, he'd leave, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I'd run, run behind him, but my legs could never move fast enough. This was no dream, though. Not in the least. He picked me up off the ground; my breasts squeezed into his hard chest; his tongue wove its way hungrily into my mouth. For a moment, I wasn't sure what was happening, but my body lit up from the contact. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him tighter. God, I had needed that contact! It was as if he had returned all the energy to my body after months of depletion. I felt his arms tight around me and the hunger, the voracity in his kiss. I grabbed his hair, but it wasn't like before; it was too short for me to pull it the way I used to. As he panted, his hand climbed my back to my neck, gripping me as he pulled away and stared… His pupils were dilated, dilated with excitement, desire, a pure carnal desire I thought I'd never see again.As we looked at each other, I wanted to say so much…but something changed…a thought flickered behind his pupils, tormented him, and I knew I'd lost him again. Desperate, I pulled him back in and kissed him, but the response wasn't the same. His arms slackened, and he set me down. Panic crept in, panic that he'd leave, panic that I'd lose him again. I cried, my lips separated from his, and buried my face in his neck. But I refused to let him go. I refused to let him just leave. "I can't do this, Noah," he said very clearly, but his voice was choked with feeling. "No." I refused him; I held him tight. My tears were leaving streaks on his shirt, but I didn't care. I couldn't let him go. I needed him; he needed me. We needed to be together. His hands moved from my waist to my wrists. He pushed until I had to let go. He brought my hands close to his face and looked straight at me. "Don't leave me," I pleaded. I was begging, I know, but he was leaving the next day, and I wouldn't see him again, and that feeling was killing me. "When I close my eyes, I see you with him," he confessed. He blinked, and I was yearning for him to stay, to love me, to protect me once more. "I don't even remember it, Nicholas," I told him, refusing to let him let me go. And it was true: I couldn't remember what had happened that night. I knew we had slept together, but I hadn't really been a part of it; I had let him do it to me because I didn't have the strength to say no… Nothing had mattered to me then because my life was hell. His eyes misted over, and I felt myself dying. "I can't do it… I'm sorry." He turned around and walked off, leaving me there…

CULPA NUESTRA③ (OUR FAULT) ENGLISH TRANSLATION

Fantasy · CRAVINGGREATREADS

The next morning, I got up at dawn. I'd barely slept. I just couldn't… That day when I ruined everything, that day when I did something I still couldn't understand, replayed itself in my head. There's no going back now. I can't even look you in the eye. We're done. I still remembered Nicholas's face when he realized what I'd done with Michael. I couldn't even recall that name without feeling guilty. I got out of bed and threw on some clothes, hoping I could leave the house before anyone else woke and saw me. I didn't even bother telling Luca I was going for a run. I needed to be alone to think and clear my head. Above all, I needed to be alone to come to grips with the fact that I'd have to keep seeing Nicholas in the days to come. Even more: I'd have to walk with him up to the altar. Running did me a world of good, and the rest of the morning flew by mercifully because there were a million things to do. As the guests went on enjoying themselves, midday passed, then the afternoon, and before I knew it, they were setting up for the rehearsal dinner that night. The goddamned rehearsal dinner. I'd skipped lunch, and I hadn't seen Nicholas or Steve again. At some point, I ran into Jenna's parents, who were waiting for her and Lion to finally go to the vineyard where the wedding would be celebrated.Everyone who would be part of the ceremony had to practice their entrance, and we needed to get a move on before nightfall. Just as Jenna and Lion were coming down, the front door opened, and there was Nicholas in a white shirt and jeans. No one knew where he'd been that morning or afternoon, but it was obvious his main goal had been to avoid me. "Nick, you're finally here. I was starting to ask myself where you'd run off to," Jenna's mother said, walking over and kissing him on the cheek. Nick smiled briefly, kissed her on the cheek as well, and started nervously spinning his keys around in his hand. His and Jenna's eyes met. There was something strange in their expressions. I felt sick to my stomach. The rest of the day was going to be hell. Outside, we realized there were too many of us to fit in one car. Along with Jenna's parents and Lion's mother—a woman with an innocent smile who'd made a wonderful impression on me, especially when she gave me her recipe for apple pie—there were Lion, Jenna, and Jenna's five-year-old cousin, a little boy who would be the ring bearer. Plus me and Nick, obviously. That made eight in all, and I just prayed no one would make me ride with Nick, but in vain: Jenna's parents and Lion's mother went straight for the Mercedes parked near the other cars. Jenna's face told me she was sorry as she grabbed her cousin's little hand. "Jenna, don't even…" I said, getting angry. Nicholas had made it clear he didn't want to be around me, so there was no way I was getting in a car with him. No fucking way. I could see the guilt in her face as she said, "Nick's got a car seat is the thing…you know…because of Maddie…and I have to go with my parents." Nicholas interrupted us, ignoring me, picking up little Jeremy, throwing him high in the air, and catching him."Ready to be my copilot, little buddy?" Jeremy laughed. Nick rested him on his hip and walked toward the car. I looked back at Jenna, who was biting her lip. I shook my head and walked past her and over to the Lexus. I had no idea what had happened to his SUV. I also wasn't about to ask. I got comfortable in the passenger seat while Nick put the boy in the car seat and pulled up a game on his phone. I tried to ignore how nervous I felt, being basically alone with him. His comment the night before had felt like a kick in the gut, and I wondered, even as I feared, what would happen over the next hour. Nicholas got in, started fooling with the controls, and adjusted the rearview mirror. It only took a second, and then we were on the road. Almost instantly, I could smell his aftershave and his cologne filling the car, and that same attraction I always felt when he was around started pulling me toward him again. My God, there he was, next to me, the man I'd longed for as I'd never longed for anyone… I was dying to reach over to him, to give him a kiss; I needed his touch more than the very air I breathed. My whole body was getting hot; even his hand resting on the gearshift made me nervous… His arms were so thick, his other hand so relaxed, leaning on the wheel… What was it that was so damn sexy about watching a man drive? I couldn't stand it; I had to roll down the window, let the cool air in to get rid of his fragrance. But right away, he rolled it back up. I turned. "I'm hot," I said. It was the first time I'd spoken to him in nearly a year. I pressed the button again, but he had locked it, and the window stayed up. Without a word, he put on the AC. The cold air blasted me in the face. Well, that would take care of my temperature, but it wouldn't do anything about the scent that permeated the car and made me woozy. I wriggled in the leather seat and saw from the corner of my eye how his eyes shifted from the road to my bare legs. I hadn't thought much about what to wear, but those short shorts must have done the trick. I couldn't ignore how he gripped the wheel and stared intently ahead after catching sight of my naked flesh. Jeremy's game beeped and buzzed the whole way, and I realized that gave me an opportunity to talk to Nick without worrying about him leaving me stranded on the side of the road. He'd have to control his attitude, and his words, with a kid in the back. "Nicholas, I wanted to tell you—" "I don't care," he cut me off, turning at an intersection that led to a huge lake. I took a deep breath. I was going to talk to him, dammit. "You can't go on ignoring me." "I'm not." I looked at him, conscious of how cruel his tone was. After all this time, I needed him to say something to me. I needed to talk. "You can't go on hating me like this." A bitter smile crossed his lips. "If I hated you, that would mean I still felt something for you, Noah. So don't worry, I don't feel hatred—what I feel is indifference." I tried to find a sign that what he was saying was a lie…but I couldn't. "You're saying that to hurt me." "If I'd wanted to hurt you, I'd have cheated on you. But wait…you're the one who did that." That was a low blow, but I had to admit I deserved it. "If we want to survive the next few days, we need to come to some kind of truce… I won't be able to deal with it if we can't even be in the same room." I couldn't read his thoughts; I'd never been able to. He was complicated, and at best I'd managed to do it for a few seconds when we were alone, in moments when we were close in a way I'd only ever known with him. "So what do you propose, Noah?" he said, turning so I could see the fury on his face. "We pretend nothing happened? I grab your hand and fake that I love you?" I couldn't respond. Fake that I love you? I could feel my broken heart bleeding. Behind us, I heard a sudden silence and turned to find Jeremy observing us, his eyes wide. "How much longer is it?" he asked with a frown. Shit! Don't let him start crying now! "Just a little bit, Jeremy. You want me to put on some music?" Nicholas asked, turning a knob. A rap song started playing at full blast. The boy smiled, and I looked ahead again. I knew who Nick had really wanted to shut up.

CULPA NUESTRA③ (OUR FAULT) ENGLISH TRANSLATION

Fantasy · CRAVINGGREATREADS