spirits_everywhere

Qing in this case shd refer to green rather than please. Xiao qing (Small green) is a pet name usually meant for snakes

Seems like every meeting would be crashed by some psycho

Who?

How old is he again? I lost track after many “2 years later”

Problem with reality bending powers. We cant balance this fic and make everything work out without creating plot holes lol

Correct me if I’m wrong: So they are still siblings, and Rias is now (planned) to be in his harem. But there should still not be the need to hate on her, no? Or maybe I’m misunderstanding something, but the way I’m reading this is the mc has 0 patience with his future wife and towards a kid. Or is this what you were planning his character to be?

I don’t know if you’re making this fanfic because you’re bored and just want wish-fulfillment, or have an actual want to learn how to write a good book. If it’s the former, then carry on without listening to this entire comment, but if you’re the latter, then you can proceed to try my recommendations. Things you might wanna improve on(?): 1. Conversations. Like some other dude mentioned, it’s like reading a textbook. I’m not saying I need the world’s best conversation or anything, but at least a normal human interaction would be fine. For some of the strongest beings in the world, their thought process is really too simple. Ophis is an exception - not everyone is thoughtless like her. Tiamat, grafia, ppl like them who survived the great war are a lot more complicated, which brings up point 2. 2. Characters are one-dimensional. It’s as though everything revolves around the mc without him even trying hard. I know he trains, but let’s be real, we, as readers, only read texts, and not experience the actual things. It would be better if you, the writer, could describe more, bringing up point 3. 3. Show and not tell is a basic thing we learn in literature. This is a double-edged sword that sometimes I fall for myself. Too much tell, and it becomes rather mechanical, and too much show and it becomes too descriptive. Writers likes us are always in the process of learning, so try and find your own balance between show and tell, instead of just telling the readers everything we need/want to know. 4. You should try to stop asking for reader’s ideas on how your stories should go and procees. Everything in your story should have a purpose, even things as small as “who should be in the harem”, “should he/she be in the harem”, “how should i integrate magic from another world to this”. These are questions you should have asked and researched yourself before starting this fanfiction. I’m not saying you should plan out the entire book before even writing (even if you should) since you’re a new writer (I assumed), but basic questions about your worldview should really be planned properly, otherwise your book will definitely fall through. Even if you’re lucky and manage to finish, it won’t be really good (in most cases; don’t think of this as an absolute rule). Writing a fanfiction is a good way for new writers to start as they already give you a proper world setting to start with; all you have to do is modify it to suit your needs. So try brainstorming yourself, and maybe you’ll find writing a lot easier and more fun I don’t really have anything else to add, except maybe read more good and/or long fanfictions. Long fanfictions have their pros, even with a lot of mistakes, while good fanfiction helps you learn how to write. Good and long are rare, but if you find one, treasure it lol.

Wait, so he asked to be Rias’s brother, only to hate on her? If so, there’s really not much need to do so, no? You could literally make him the heir of any random devil house, and it would be a lot better