บท 40: To Let Go
To say that Eungoo was stunned was an understatement. He was frozen from shock when his best friend, the man that he knew half of his life had lied to him the entire time. He didn't know what to say. All this time, he thought that he really knew who Min Kwan was but after hearing everything that came out from him, he thought wrong.
He rubbed his temples as he tried to ease the pain he was feeling. His vision was swirling. Min Kwan was the alpha of the notorious gang in their district; he was the leader of a group of people that not only disturbed the peace but for some reason were known as the robinhoods of the district despite the fact of what they do.
This just made it more difficult for Eungoo as he thought it was basically easy to leave his hyung like this but no. The more he thought about it, the more he understood how difficult it has been for Kwan to live like this and how he half-raised him. He loved his best friend even more for this. The sacrifice he had made not only for himself but to him as well.
And because of that thought, Eungoo broke into a crying fit once more.
Kwan gasped and pulled Eungoo into a tight hug. He expected the other to lash out on him, not cry on him. He thought that once he had told him his secret he'd earn that slap or punch that he deserved for hiding this for so long. He bit his lips as he tried his best not to cry also. One thing for sure, he didn't deserve his tears.
"Goddamit, Eungoo say something." He spoke softly as he let his dongsaeng sob on the crook of his neck. He could feel the wetness from his tears soaking his shirt. When he felt his body shook from the intense cries, he hugged him tighter feeling as if Eungoo could break anytime. "I'm the worst."
Eungoo shook his head and leaned back to look at his hyung despite his blurry vision. He cupped his face and smiled, "No" he spoke. He didn't care at the mere fact that his saliva was dripping down from his chin and that he looked like a mess. He sobbed more before he hugged him. He just went limp in Kwan's arms. He felt guilty.
He was living so lavishly in the residence of Park Yejun, that he didn't think of his hyung suffering and looking for him somewhere. He was selfish. He was most definitely selfish. And his decision will put the icing to the top, the winning shot as a proof of just how self-centered he is…
"You still didn't answer my question. How did you get here at this party?"
Kwan pursed his lips and looked on the ground in shame. "Jeon Wonshik…"
"How did you even get his help?" Eungoo asked curiously. He knew that Wonshik was nice to him but wasn't very open towards other people. And knowing who he was friends with, there must be a catch to all of this.
"I made a deal with him, to work for him to get to you. It was the only way." Kwan half-lied to him. It wasn't a complete lie to his opinion but he didn't want to go into the most embarrassing details of just how he got here. He didn't want Eungoo to be ashamed of him much more.
Eungoo sighed and pushed him away a little. He closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands and leaned forward until his elbows rested on his knees. This was killing him.
"I made a deal too." Eungoo spoke and lowered his hands little by little, not sparing a glance at the other for he too was ashamed of what he was about to say.
"With Wonshik? Or with…" He didn't dared finished as if he read the hangul letters glued on the collar that was strapped securely on Eungoo's neck. His insides churned at the sight of the very thing that marks him, as Park Yejun's property. It was as if Eungoo was an object or a slave and he hated it.
Eungoo took a deep breath and faced him. His next question caught Kwan offguard, "Why are you here?"
Why? Kwan didn't think this through as he was so eager to see him again. When he was about to answer Eungoo shook his head and interrupted him.
"I'm not leaving with you."
"What?!"
Kwan couldn't believe what he was hearing. Eungoo wanted to stay?
"What do you mean you're not leaving with me? You don't plan on leaving at all?" Kwan was getting much more frustrated by the minute that he was trying to process the sudden turn of events. He thought that if he showed up at this event, he'd still be able to have him by his said but was he mistaken?
"Eungoo look at me." Kwan cupped his face and looked him in the eye. "Tell me. Do you really want to stay here? Or is he holding you back?" His lips quivered and his heart grew heavy. He felt his stomach act up and he could feel himself vomiting. He held his mouth and looked away. Closing his eyes, he gulped down his saliva as he tried his best to hold himself together.
"I like it here." Eungoo began to spoke. Lie. It was a lie. He hated this place to the very core. He had never felt so lonely in his entire life.
"He treats me okay." LIE
"I have lots of friends here." LIE
"I'm being pampered." LIE
"I'm doing great!" LIE
With every lie he spoke of was like a stab to his heart. And with each stab puts on a certain weight. He felt horrible. But he thought that with this decision, he wouldn't have to trouble his hyung anymore.
Kwan bit his lips as he silently sobbed. His hands gripped the edge of the bench that they were sitting on ever since they got on the gazebo. It hurt so much to hear that Eungoo was better off without him.
Kwan stayed still and had his gaze locked on the floor. He didn't utter a single word. His head hurt so much as his heart did. He could hear Eungoo talk but couldn't really make out what he said. He felt his dongsaeng leave. He wanted to pull him into a tight hug but he couldn't and instead let himself drown in his tears and was left all alone.
He brought his knees up and hugged them as he cried even more. He couldn't believe it. Kim Eungoo just walked out on him just like that. 10 years of being together through thick and thin, as best friends as brothers… gone. Just like that. He felt the worse.
And as he was crying what it seemed like it had been forever he was pulled and lifted up. Kwan looked up and saw that Wonshik was now cradling him as he was the most fragile little thing. He didn't even put that much of a fight since he lost all his energy as he cried.
"You're so stupid." Wonshik sighed. "Why'd you tell him?"
"I thought that he'd understand…" His voice squeaked out. Just talking made him feel worse. He whimpered and covered his face with his arms. He looked like a huge mess right now and he didn't want to ruin Wonshik's expensive suit so he tried his best to wipe away his tears with his hands.
Wonshik sighed. "You're so hopeless." He said as he pulled out his handkerchief and began to gently wipe away his tears. "You're going to ruin your skin by doing that." He smiled and patted his head.
"I really thought that he was going to stay with me forever you know? It was me and him against the world! I'm his hyung!" He yelled and sobbed harder.
Wonshik's heart ached and remembered the time when Yejun and Kangdae had a huge fight. When Yejun left Kangdae in the rain that night… he saw something he wishes he never has. He saw Kangdae hyung cry for the first time. He always thought that Yejun did the right decision of leaving… but now he wished that the two parted ways on good terms just like Eungoo and Kwan.
"I didn't think that he'd leave me for someone like Park Yejun. I didn't think he'd leave me for the money. Where did I go wrong? Or was it because I didn't give him enough?"
Wonshik shushed him softly and just held him. The launching of the tech was about to start and Yejun will definitely kill him later but he just couldn't leave Kwan like this. He always put his work first and his Yejun-hyung but for the first time ever, he stayed with someone who wasn't his friend, barely a lover and was not related by blood.
Jeon Wonshik has fallen inlove.
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