บท 3: The Chase Is On.
Deadpool rushed down the hallway after Peeves the Poltergeist as fast as he could go. The poltergeist zoomed down the hallway with Deadpool rushing after him. He swung a plunger like a mad man.
"Alright, Poltergeist, I'm going to take you down!" Deadpool yelled. "I'm not going to take you down. I'm going to take you down with cleaning supplies. Do you hear me? I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU DOWN WITH CLEANING SUPPLIES!"
Deadpool shouted at the top of his lungs and rushed around the corner. A teacher clad in purple turban walked up the steps. Deadpool waffled him in the back of the head with the toilet brush, inadvertently, when he came up the steps. Deadpool did not stop running down the hallway.
"PEEVES!"
The third floor awaited for Deadpool. He looked to the left and to the right. He could hear Peeves knocking a priceless vase over. Deadpool dove in with quick reflexes and stopped the vase from dropping onto the ground. Mostly because he was pretty sure it would come out of his paycheck.
"Ah, is Pool Boy winded?" Peeves asked. "Come on Pool Boy! You want a piece of Peeves. Do you want me? Come and get me!"
Peeves made a very lewd gesture. Deadpool threw the plunger at Peeves. Peeves went transparent and the plunger struck into the wall. Deadpool took in a deep breath and saw Peeves go backward. He disappeared behind the doors of a third-floor corridor.
The Mercenary stopped and held onto the third-floor corridor. He slammed his foot into the corridor door. The sound of the door cracking on the other side echoed. Peeves made snarling noises on the end in an attempt to keep Deadpool at bay. It did not work. Deadpool kept slamming his foot against the door as hard as humanly possible.
"You think a locked door is going to stop me?" Deadpool asked. "That shows how much you know. I always see a locked door as a suggestion and not a restriction. I wonder what mystical magical charms are on this door. Well, there's one thing that can unlock any door."
Deadpool reached into his boot and pulled out a standard hairpin. Much like the Boy Scouts, Deadpool was always prepared. He was no stranger to getting through doors which he was not supposed to. He turned the pick through the lock and opened the door.
"Alright Peeves….."
The snarling sound did not come from Peeves. Deadpool stepped back a couple of inches and the door swung shut behind him. Deadpool's eyes fell on the creature above him. Three heads, six eyes, and one hundred and twenty-six razor sharp teeth awaited to him. Not to mention an ever growing puddle of drool. The creature howled and snarled at Deadpool.
"Well…fuck bunnies."
The dog growled and Deadpool stepped back. Death by the mauling of a three-headed dog was not the worst way he would have died.
"Back, I'm armed!" Deadpool yelled.
The dog snatched the toilet brush out of his grip with those powerful jaws. The sound of the brush snapping in his mouth echoed. Deadpool threw his hand into the air and raised it. The dog snapped his jaws at him.
"Okay, maybe that wasn't a good idea threatening it with violence."
The dog jumped onto Deadpool and pinned him down to the ground. The Mercenary could feel the breath of the dog in his face. Wet saliva splashed onto Deadpool, covering the front of his mask. He was going to have to get the mask dry cleaned.
A sound of someone whistling filled the Third Floor Corridor. The Three-Headed Dog moved back from Deadpool.
Albus Dumbledore stepped into the room and looked at the three-headed dog. All three heads locked onto the Hogwarts Headmaster to give him puppy dog eyes. Dumbledore smiled and extended a hand to allow Deadpool to his feet. The two left the third-floor corridor.
"I see you've met Fluffy," Dumbledore said.
"Fluffy?" Deadpool asked.
"Yes, he's one of Hagrid's unique companions," Dumbledore said. "You see, with Rubeus, the trick is if the creature has a harmless name than he can be very deadly. However, the more fearsome named creatures are pretty much harmless."
Deadpool glimpsed the Hogwarts Gamekeeper. Seemed like the friendly giant type, enjoyed his work, and Deadpool appreciated a man who had that level of dedication.
"You're keeping that thing up in the third-floor corridor," Deadpool said. "No offense, but I don't think a school is an adequate place to keep a three-headed dog."
"I can assure you he's properly housetrained," Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eye.
Deadpool should hope so. "It's just….well….what if children come across the dog?"
"I can assure you no harm will come to the students of Hogwarts," Dumbledore said. "I will give them a warning that the Third-Floor Corridor is off limits at the sorting feast."
"Perhaps you should put a protection on the door which can't be defeated by a simple lock pick," Deadpool said. "Not that I'm trying to tell you to do your job. I mean, you don't give me detailed instructions on how to pick toilets. It's just, boys will be boys, girls will be girls, and teenagers will do the exact opposite of what you tell them."
"Yes, well, I didn't expect you to be able to open it," Dumbledore said. "I was only able to rescue you because I knew someone opened the door. There are monitoring charms on the door for anyone who tries to enter the door without authorization. It will warn me at once."
Deadpool blinked and stepped back, clutching his chest in pain.
"Are you alright?" Dumbledore asked. "Do you need the hospital wing, Mr. Wilson?"
"No, I'm just surprised that common sense was actually used by someone," Deadpool said.
"Common sense is a grand irony as sense is sadly not common these days," Dumbledore said. "I will see you at the staff meeting, and I apologize for the near mauling."
Deadpool returned with his adventure with the Three-Head Dog named Fluffy. He still could not believe something like that would be put up to the school. It took a moment for Deadpool to realize something.
"He was standing on top of a trap door," Deadpool said. "He was guarding something."
Deadpool stopped a few seconds later and looked over his shoulder. He really could get lost in this place. No one had the common decency to draw this map.
"Oh, well, not my problem," Deadpool said. "My job is to clean the toilets. Speaking of which, duty calls."
Deadpool made his way down the stairs into the Dungeons. He decided he would stop in and say hi to his new BFF, Snape, who had been avoiding him as of late for some reason. Deadpool had no idea why. He had such a charming personality.
He moved his way to Snape's office. The door had been locked. Deadpool raised his hand to pick the lock. Some invisible force stopped him.
'Hey, dipshit,' the lingering amount of common sense Deadpool had left chimed in. 'You remember what happened the last time you opened a locked door.'
'Yeah, it was a scene ago,' Deadpool said. 'But, what're the chances of there being a second three-headed dog in Hogwarts? I mean, even Peter Parker's luck isn't that bad.'
The Assistant Caretaker of Management Sanitation pushed the door open. He caused Snape to jump on the desk and fire a spell at him which caused him to lift off the ground and knock him into the wall.
"What the devil do you think you're doing?" Snape asked.
"Getting hexed, apparently."
Blisters appeared underneath Deadpool's outfit. They itched like a real motherbear. Deadpool made a conscious effort not to scratch himself raw. Despite that fact, he could feel a great deal of agony coming through him. Snape stepped over making no attempt to assist Deadpool back to his feet.
"I just wanted to stop by to see if you would have that drink," Deadpool said. "You know, the one that you invited me on when we first met."
"I'm a very busy man," Snape said. "I have lesson plans to complete. Seven years worth of them, for four houses."
"So, how do you go to all of those lessons?" Deadpool asked. "Because the math doesn't add up when you think about it."
A small smile, a small smile of superiority went over Snape's mouth. "It's a Hogwart's trade secret, I'm afraid. Now, if you excuse me, I've got work to do. You have toilets to clean or some other menial task I'm sure Filch will throw at you. I'm sure Peeves must have smeared slug essence on the trophies by now again."
"Slug essence?" Deadpool asked. "Wait, by slug essence do you mean….."
Deadpool trailed off at the last word. A shudder spread through his body at the thought of what wizards had to do to get essence of the slugs. The Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation shuddered to think about it.
"So, you have much work to do," Snape said. "You did not receive this job so you could pester me. We are colleagues, and nothing more. If you enter my office once again without invitation, you will get more than a stinging hex."
"What if you're on the floor, poisoned?" Deadpool asked.
"I'm a Potions Master," Snape said. "I have an antidote for most poisons on me."
"Most poisons are not all poisons, though," Deadpool said. "What if someone acquires a venom so rare, so deadly, that your genius potion making prowess cannot whip up an antidote."
Snape decided to give Deadpool one of the most serious looks possible. It was so serious it was almost terrifying.
"I'll take my chances," Snape said.
"So, what time will you be done making your lesson plans?" Deadpool asked. "Because, you and I, we can paint the town. Two strapping young bachelors, ready to make the ladies wet in their panties. And by that I mean, we throw water balloons at their crotches."
"Leave," Snape said.
"But…."
"Leave!" Snape yelled.
"I have chocolate!" Deadpool yelled.
"I don't like chocolate," Snape said.
Deadpool blinked at the shock at someone declaring they did not in fact like chocolate.
"Come on, you got to like chocolate," Deadpool said. "Come on, Sevvy, you have to like chocolate. Chocolate is the key to all that's good in the world."
"I don't want any chocolate."
"Sevvy's got a sweet tooth!"
"I say I don't like chocolate, you nitwit!"
Deadpool held out a package with several of those bars of chocolate, the type of box which gets thrown away half-eaten because no person ever likes all of the flavors.
"Come on Snape, open it, and I'll give you a nice sticky treat in your mouth!"
Snape opened to protest. Deadpool shoved the first log of chocolate he could find inside of Snape's mouth. Deadpool made sure to properly ram his log into Snape's mouth.
'And I'll take lines which can be read out of context for two hundred, Alex!'
Snape breathed heavily when he took the chocolate down his throat. Deadpool pulled away with the chocolate from his fingers. Snape started to gasp and cough when the chocolate entered the back of his throat.
"What flavor was that?"
Purple pus filled pimples appeared on Snape's face. He started to get puffy and his eyes began to swell shut.
"Coconut Cream," Deadpool said.
"I'M ALLERGIC, YOU DUNCE!" Snape gasped.
Snape's vision blurred. The horrific reaction to the chocolate allergy made him see three of Deadpool in front of him.
"Okay, fine, fine, fine," Deadpool said. "There's got to be something in here that will save you from a chocolate allergy, isn't there?"
"Bezoar!" Snape yelled. "Bezoar!"
"Oh, that stone thingy!" Deadpool yelled. "Here you go, one bezoar coming up."
Deadpool shoved the hard rock into Snape's mouth. He gasped when the magical restorative properties of the bezoar took effect. Deadpool was not quite sure how a magical antidote rock saved someone from a chocolate allergy. Unless it proved chocolate was magical after all.
Snape dropped down onto the ground and took a deep breath, snarling madly.
"I just remembered, I've got to go to the Quidditch Equipment shed, to make sure all of the balls are in order," Deadpool said. "So, I guess we're taking a rain check on that drink."
Snape pulled himself up and reached into his cabinet. He poured himself a sedative draught and sucked it down in one clear shot. He had a feeling that he would need to keep this at hand in bulk this year.
Especially tomorrow, the new students at Hogwarts would be arriving. Including a Potter, a Longbottom, and another Weasley, Snape would be having a long year.
'I hate everyone's life.'
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