บท 38: Professor Gemstone has to choose... part 5 (38)
We can handle ourselves.
Those words lied noisily in Ezera's brain as he walked.
It would soon be time for class. But Ezera's mind was buzzing.
He had been fondly referring to his students as 'kids' all this time. And he believed it too. They were his kids. But perhaps they weren't quite children anymore. Even if they were far from grown up.
Was he wrong? Was this protectiveness a show of his distrust toward them? Ezera had never looked at things this way.
But he was reluctant. To him, it seemed as though everything was slowly getting out of hands.
He chuckled defeatedly. Everything would turn out easier if he had found a way to clown himself somehow. Except perhaps that wasn't quite the problem anymore.
He stopped walking abruptly.
Then what was the problem?
Everything was wrong. He shouldn't have been leaving them to their own devices into the world until one more year! Was it that he felt they didn't need him anymore? No! Not yet. He wanted to be part of their lives a bit longer...
...Did he feel left out? That was his own fault for not being there! Then was he mad at himself for abandoning them? He was. He was but there was no choice. He wouldn't be doing any of this so urgently if they weren't there.
He just didn't want to be separated from them.
...But why?
"Is something the matter?" Sandra asked him when he set foot inside the classroom.
"Why do you ask?" he plastered on a nice smile for her, but she seemed to doubt him.
"Professor, you look a bit pale."
"Oh..." his features were rueful. "I guess I'm a little bit worried."
She tilted her head.
"For us?" she asked for confirmation, and when he nodded she added: "I don't see why. We're all doing well!"
"You are?"
She nodded enthusiastically.
"Everyone's adapting well. Some of us even feel better here than back in our world. Did you know? Saemi and I went to make friends in town two days ago. It went well. Even Yuga's a bit less cranky now."
He sighed.
"That's great."
"Then why don't you look better?"
Caught red handed. But Ezera wasn't trying to hide it. He'd always said to his students it was unhealthy to shy away from honest conversations. He wasn't about to turn into a hypocrite.
"That's the thing, Sandra. You're all doing so well, I'm beginning to wonder why I'm worried."
She hummed.
"That's because you work too hard."
He was taken aback. She went on.
"Is there something we can do to reassure you?"
He blinked. He had not expected this conversation to be so mature. But perhaps he should have expected it, it was Sandra after all.
Which reminded him... He fished a lens out of his pocket.
"I think there might be. Look at this."
He showed her the scrying lens.
"Hum? Isn't that a coin? It's strange though..."
"I modified it," he explained. "That way, I can look upon you have if I'm not present. Would you agree to keep it with you?"
He was surprised when her nonplussed face broke out in a beautifully bright smile.
"Really? That's fantastic!" she relieved him of it, admiring at under the sunlight. "I can really have it?"
"Uh, yes? That's... You're really excited about it," Ezera couldn't help noticing.
"Of course! It's very reassuring to know you'll be here looking out for us even if I'm not paying attention!"
Ezera didn't understand.
"Didn't you say I worry too much?"
Sandra turned back to reply.
"You do. But I like it when you're with me. Even if I'm able to handle myself, I feel safer with you there."
Ezera had no time to process the words, as another of his students made his way over.
"What is it?" Ilun asked, hunching over Sandra's shoulder ti get a good look.
"That's something Professor Gemstone made!" Sandra enthusiastically told him. "It's some sort of camera so that he can look over me when we're not together."
"Huh... But isn't that one of Alan's coins? How was it transformed?"
Ezera winked at them.
"Don't speak too much about it outside the classroom, alright? But this teacher of yours is actually dipping his finger into the logistic of arrayal work!"
"Oh," Ilun made an almost impressed sound. "That's the thing you taught us about some weeks ago, right? Is that why professor doesn't show up as much to training?"
Ezera winced, and was about to apologize, except that Sandra was faster.
"Hey! Don't say that like it's a bad thing!"
"I'm not!" Ilun defended himself. "It's just that Professor is a researcher, right? I find it cool... Kind of... That he's free enough to do something that he likes."
Oh. His students were so thoughtful. And Ezera had really underestimated their observation skills. He frowned though.
"Free?" he repeated. "You're no burden, kiddos, I'm not freeing myself from you!"
"That's not what I meant!" Ilun shook his hands in a denying gesture.
But Ezera wasn't convinced: it was the second child to imply that to him today. What was he supposed to think.
"We know you like being with us. But 'professor' is not your life definition, right? That means you get to shirk the duty once in a while."
That... That made Ezera pause.
A duty? That... It was a duty. But it was one he had taken to heart. He didn't see where the contradiction was. Caring for his kids wasn't simply some work he had to attend to everyday.
What the children were implying now, it was enough to make him anxious.
"It's fine, I say."
Both Sandra and Ilun looked at him strangely, then exchanged an unreadable glance before nodding.
"If you say so. Sometimes, it feels like Professor thinks we're not going to like him anymore when he's doesn't cling to his teacher responsibilities."
Well... That was normal, wasn't it? These children had had enough disaster in their lives until now, he had to be responsible so they could rely on him.
Huh?
"But you know, we don't need to be your responsibility to trust you. We won't just turn away if you decide to relax a minute."
Ezera remained a whole twenty seconds staring off in the middle distance. Something dawned on him at those words. As though he was about to figure out something really important.
Something about responsibility and his relationships.
...He'd been clinging to it, hadn't he? Like an idiot.
He laughed.
"That's no way to adress your professor, you punks!"
He closed the door, seeing as everybody else had entered in the last ten minutes.
"Go to your seats. Class' about to begin," he announced now with his usual charm.
It seemed he had come to a realization.
The problem didn't come from them at all. It wasn't even about how worried he was, no.
The problem was him, all along.
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