บท 68: ED : Chapter 66: Fallout II
"You and Senator Robb now occupy the same position as impediments to the war between the Core and Rim the late Senator Greyshade did, because of your resistance to the revival of the Minister of Defense position, and public opposition to the Military Creation Act.
The other threat being the woman who just tried to kill you on Cato Neimoidia. I intend to explain the reasoning concerning her motives when I don't have Master Jinn muted on an open comm, but I'm asking you to trust me, and formally request Jedi protection."
...
"Answer the question I asked before we were interrupted, then I'll do as you ask" Padme calmly responded with a silent intensity gleaming in those dark eyes.
The call of which was swiftly sapping what remained of my resolve, even as her reply came as a complete sideswipe surprise. Leaving me goggling, as my brain stuttered over an answer I hadn't considered among the most remote of possibilities.
Since the Trials, my emotions had never been more under my control. The significant increases in composure, self-control, and a capacity to remain detached, if not always at peace, had actually persuaded me that one day, it might actually be possible I could greet even the most catastrophic of calamities with the serene objectivity I so admired in my teacher.
Now, my reaction to the way I remained the entirety of her focus despite the danger I'd just finished explaining? It showed me just how far I still had to go if I aspired to such self-discipline. In that moment, I couldn't remember ever feeling less in control of a situation.
My feelings were running a wild gamut from frustration over her inexplicable priorities, to continuing concern for her safety, with a desire for her which was an overarching, underpinning influence.
"What do you want me to say, Padme? That I'm more interested in getting to know you than any woman I've ever met? That I didn't believe it was possible to find someone so appealing, fascinating, and desirable? That my concern for you has been entirely personal from the beginning?
That as much as my decision to avoid you was made first and foremost out of concern for your safety, it was also a means of coping with the enormous temptation to simply stop caring about the fact that Jedi are supposed to avoid attachments exactly like this? That I have to keep reminding myself we've spent perhaps a day in each other's company, because it feels like I've known you for years?
All of that's true, but I would really like to know why you were so intent on pushing me to say so!" The questions, especially the last that was more a plea than anything else, poured out of me raw and totally unfiltered.
I'd had no idea what I was going to say until the torrent of words had escaped me like the eruption of steam from one of the many immense geysers I'd seen as a boy during the expedition to Mimban.
In the wake of that uncensored explosion of emotion, cold reason rushed in to fill the vacuum created in my psyche by the dramatic reduction in built up tension.
Filling me with a dull sort of horror, the sense I had never been more painfully exposed in the entirety of two lifetimes, and an awful certainty based in experience that confessions like the ones I'd just made were the province of the hopelessly infatuated.
I'd just come on as strong as an out of control Wookie, and there were few women in this or any other galaxy who found such a love-sick outpouring anything but repellent.
Padme's continued silence in the wake of my emotional outburst was all the confirmation I needed that my initial assessment of her likely reaction had been all too accurate.
She was a kind and compassionate individual, so it wasn't hard to guess she was busy formulating a gentle let-down for someone she still felt a significant amount of gratitude toward for saving her life.
If I hadn't been so completely thrown by the sheer magnitude of my immature idiocy, I would have been able to glean everything I needed to know with my empathic gift. Struggling to regain my equilibrium in the midst of circumstances I hadn't contended with in decades though?
I couldn't have told someone everything I was feeling at this moment, let alone make any sense of her emotions.
It was the very first time since the memory of this life began that empathy told me nothing at all, but after a moment's reflection, I wondered if that wasn't a mercy being manufactured by a subconscious mind which desperately wanted to remain ignorant of the repercussions arising from such a poorly-considered decision.
Caught up in the process of collecting myself so I could face the consequences of my error with some degree of dignity, it took me a ridiculously long time after I'd pulled myself together to realize it wasn't pity or distaste I was feeling from Padme.
The uppermost emotion was probably relief, a layered yet fierce sense of satisfaction, and a happiness that, while subdued after a fashion, was no less simultaneously confusing and compelling.
All of which was shot through with an aching loneliness which had been so deeply buried before now that I'd detected no trace of it. An emotion which was as connected to that understated yet growing happiness as muscle and connective tissue.
I looked on with more than a little stunned surprise, as she adroitly and with apparent casualness took a step to the side to pick up a datapad from a nearby table, then out of Qui Gon's holographic sight line, before fixing me with a look heated enough to start a fire.
Her voice was quiet, a little husky, and filled with a silent apology, plea to be understood, and promise of intent, as she finally responded "Yes, I think those are just the sort of things I wanted you to say, Anakin, because I'll be damned living and bodily to the Chaos Beyond the Seven Gates, before I end up like my friend Satine.
Forever in love and caught up with a man she knows she can't have, yet unable to let go and move on. I'm sorry I needed to push you so hard, but watching one of the strongest women I've ever known wrap her duty about her heart as a way to try and bind up a wound caused by the cruelest kind of hope, I swore to myself I'd never let one of you Jedi cut me so deeply.
If you weren't willing to put your feelings before your Order's precious doctrine of detachment, I wanted, no, I needed to know it now. You seemed different, I thought you were different, and Gale certainly did everything she could to convince me you were different, but I still needed to see and hear it for myself.
I have too much self-respect to ever become one of the pining shadows some of the Republic's shining heroes and heroines leave behind them, as they belatedly recall the demand they remain detached from it all."
I felt an incredulous sort of relief most closely akin to what I'd felt the day Ventress came within a few centimeters of splitting my skull with one of her lightsabers, but with Qui Gon looking on, I had to maintain a detached demeanor. Much as I wanted to get into this right now, especially concerning whatever this mysterious "Gale" had said and done, I was forced to settle for murmuring.
"You're right about me not being like the others, but we're going to have a long talk about all of this later. If I keep Master Jinn waiting any longer, I'm going to exhaust even his considerable patience."
Giving me a nod as she continued distracting me with her smile, I flipped the comm's sound back on, then bowed deeply to the holographic projection as I said.
"Please forgive me for keeping you waiting, Master Jinn. It took some time to explain, and subsequently persuade the Senator as to the imminent nature of the threat posed to her and Senator Robb.
Their joint resistance to reinstating the Minister of Defense's office, in addition to their opposing the Military Creation Act, makes their circumstances very similar to those of the late Senator Greyshade, prior to his assassination right before the vote on the Financial Reform Act.
Now that I've pointed out the numerous disturbing parallels, Senator Amidala has formally requested Jedi protection for at least the ten days remaining until the Senate next convenes. It's my sincere hope you won't take the rather lengthy wait I subjected you to as a sign of disrespect."
Waving away the idea he might have been offended, Qui Gon's deep voice was calm yet very serious, as he replied.
"I'm not one of those you need to be leery of offering the semblance of disrespect today, Anakin.
In addition to their discomfiture concerning some of the results of your independently authorized mission to Cato Neimoidia, the members of the Council have remained closeted in deliberation since I reported as to our discoveries in the Pammant System."
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