บท 1: Daddy's Little Princess
Every eye has a tale to be told,
A past that lingers cold,
Moments that they behold,
Struggles untold.
You see a mirror,
A mirror, reflection clear
You see two eyes,
Eyes, beholding fear
You see lips,
Lips, lingering for that kiss
You see a pair of ears,
Ears, recalling those lullabies
You see a mirror,
A mirror, reflection clear
Clear yet inverted,
An image, fake.
Every soul lingers for a radiant sun in winters,
A warm beacon of goodwill,
Away from cold chills,
The warmth of the sun knocking whispers.
Every soul relinquishes the gentle swift of wind in summer,
Sent softly from above,
Tossing leaves, playing with waves with love,
Breeze, that flings suffering further.
Every soul longs for a happy first rain in monsoon,
Holding hands and dancing,
Slowly and steadily,
In losing everything in your eyes, glancing,
Laughing with her being a little witty,
As if it's a timeless boon.
Even a ray of light can pierce a dark night,
That can make give tunnel-end asight,
That can provide a nostalgic flight,
Even a bit of light can turn everything alright.
What's darkness in the first place?
Running yet going nowhere?
A glued nightmare?
Heart full of tears?
It's nothing,
Yeah, nothing,
Perhaps nothing in an individual sense,
Just the absence of light,
Yeah, even if it lacks definition of its own,
After all, darkness is alone.
Being defined by something else ,
Pathetic, isn't it?
Holding no value on your own,
Nah it's not,
I used to the ink it was but trust me it's no I would love to be called your mother,
In fact, that's how I want the world to perceive me, And believe me the best that defines me is you,
My Girlyy.
I'm indeed not an independent quantity,
And I'm happy to not be one,
It would be kind of lonely to be one?
I think but yeah,
It's lonely anyways,
But with you, sweety,
By my side,
It's all GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.
Summer is here,
Sun, ready to begin a vibrant day,
The gentle breeze making its way,
The sky is clear.
The sky is as blue as the ocean,
The warmth comforting everyone.
The season of Lily bloom,
Oh Lily, so adorable, incomparable,
The scent of heart notes, sweet and floral.
The purest little sweet and innocent.
Oh Lily,
Mama's girl,
You are the one Mom adores the most.
You are the one Mom cherishes the most.
You are the one Mom will always treasure.
You are the reason behind Mama's all pleasures.
You are the guiding star of mine,
You are the reason for my smile,
And for the shine on my face,
You light up my every single day.
You my sweety, my cloud nine.
If I am a poet then you are my poem,
If I am an artist then you are my art,
If I am a craftsman then you are my craft,
If I am happy then you are the reason for my laughs.
If I am on a journey then you are my destination.
Time surely flies,
It was just yesterday,
You were born my cutie pie,
Time surely flies,
It was just yesterday you made your first cry.
I can't believe you are already so tall,
It was just yesterday you were so small.
Time surely flies,
It was just yesterday,
I with your dad was looking at the sky,
Waiting for the sunrise.
Oh of course,
You were not there,
You were in the god's place,
Waiting to be born.
It was a rainy day,
On a rainy day with harsh weather,
Your arrival made the clouds go away,
The sun started coming back,
Clouds faded away,
Rainbow decorated the whole town,
Everywhere there was a fragrance of ending rain,
The day was the brightest,
Brightest it ever could be.
After all, it was you.
You, My Cutiepie
Who can turn nightmares into fairytales,
Who can make dead flowers bloom,
Who can make this lonely dead soul feel alive,
After all, it's you,
You, My Cutiepie.
Your arrival marked the beginning of a tale of delight,
That was woven with threads of light,
With the cherished moment, our enthusiasm took flight,
A soul's symphony that felt right.
It was a fairytale,
A fairytale in which every piece was in the right place,
Fairytale full of god's grace.
However every good thing comes to an end,
Such is the game of fate,
It can turn fairytales into nightmares,
And it truly did make happiness fade,
Life keeps losing colours, life keeps losing shades,
You are the only colour left in my life, the rest is all black and white.
Black as black as the darkness that shallows me every day,
White as white as the light that keeps giving me false hopes,
I am stuck between a game of life and death.
I'm used to this dark,
After it's dystopia full of statues which are heartless,
Even Sun rays are full of harshness,
Yet it's solace.
It's not unknown to me,
I have witnessed it before,
I have witnessed it for so long,
It's not unknown to me,
I have witnessed it before.
I know this feeling the feeling of emptiness inside me,
I know this feeling the feeling of no light inside me,
Every day was exactly the same as 11 years ago.
As if hell arouse,
As if the reflection in glass broke,
As if the demons are woke,
As if the shallowness is not coming out of the throat.
Life surely comes full circle,
And I made it to this day,
I learned there's no dark and light,
Afterall, it's all greyy.
I had no hope yet I made it,
Perhaps it was because of him,
He was the sun that I sought in winter,
The gentle swift breeze I needed in summer,
Perhaps my happy rain,
The scenery of beautiful Lily in autumn.
It was him who made me live,
It was him who made me seek light,
It was him who made my every single day bright.
He, the one who completed me.
If I am a poem then he was my stanzas,
If I am an art then he was my colours,
If I am an craft then he was my glass.
Your dad and I,
We made a promise to always be by each other's side on this exact date.
It was eleven years ago,
He was a bit nervous,
He was a bit anxious,
He came with a banquet full of lilies.
Lily, his favourite one,
He said, " I am here by your side,
With all or none,
Whether it's a nightmare the or first ray the of sun,
Desolation or bliss, hit or miss,
I'm all in for the end, by your side,
I will forever and ever stand."
However, the sun also sets,
The waves also rest.
Away from loss and pain,
In losses and gains,
In summer and the rain,
Just you and me,
Away from the world, completely free.
With you by my side,
Finally, there was a place I belonged to,
A bond that I longed for,
Though it turned out into haze,
Faded away those days.
He lied…..He lied.
He said we will always be together,
Yet he left me hanging alone in this game of life and death,
He knew my days were near,
He knew all my fears,
Yet he chose me,
And with him by my side,
I was getting better,
Better than I ever was,
They said I only had 10 years left in me.
A decade is enough to be,
Isn't it?
I was ready back then to leave,
But life is funny,
Something happened, very unexpected.
I had already lost all the hope,
As if the my neck was tied with a rope,
As if these were my last few breaths,
As if it's a match stick with ceasing heat.
I was sixteen when i suddenly fell from the stairs,
My vibes started drifting away,
The happiness won't stay,
The emptiness and sadness found its way.
There was a sceptical layer,
Rushed to the hospital,
"It's nothing.", dad said
"It's nothing", mom said
"It's nothing", the doctor said
However there was definitely something I could see in their face,
I started missing school from then on,
The hospital was my habitat,
I lost every friend of mine,
No one visited as if I didn't exist,
He was the only one left.
It didn't take me long to realise it's more than nothing,
It was 3 in the night,
Mom was on my left,
And father in the right,
They thought I was asleep and all right.
I heard them say how I don't have much time left,
I heard them cry,
I saw them every single day lying,
These last few days are my last quest.
I heard them cry,
I heard them lie,
Little did I know bone marrow cancer was swallowing me inside,
Even he knew that dumbo,
Yet he never told.
I made it,
I made it back then I made,
Then when I was getting okay,
Then when everything was alright,
I had turned twenty-five,
Again it came haunting after time flied,
Again if it wasn't for him,
I would have been swallowed.
It was after that when we decided to tie knots,
Perhaps rainfall in the drought.
All I had and have to say was
"THANK YOU."
Thank you for being with me,
Thank you for all the time,
Thank you for all the shine,
Thank you for all the jamming and rhyme.
Thank you for holding hands,
Thank you for being with me by the sunset,
Thank you for being the best,
Thank you for letting my head rest.
Thank you for letting me sleep in your lap,
Thank you for being my lamp,
Thank you for all those moments of snap,
Thank you… you are the best.
After all it was because of you, I made it again.
Just when I thought nothing could get any better than this,
You happened,
Life's colours were even more brightened,
It was a dream come true,
It was truly everything I needed in him and you.
It was a rainy day,
Returning from the hospital,
For you cutie,
He was carrying pastries,
He was quite happy,
He had a promotion,
He was so happy to come home early,
He wanted to give you a surprise,
So eager to come home,
And with you visit that gamezone.
Life is cruel sometimes,
He couldn't tell you about his promotion,
Washed away his surprise,
You already had your last visit to that gamezone.
He was hit by a truck,
And with no time in hand,
His life came to an end...
They said I have ten years,
Yet it's the 11th one going on since our marriage,
Honey, he truly healed a part of me,
But his absence has left the other one widening,
I am getting worse and worse now day by day,
I don't have much time left in me,
He lied…..You lied,
when you said that we would explore the world together.
I was wrong,
I was wrong to think that I'm the lucky one who will not have to live without you,
Yet he became the first one to leave…..
I wish we could hold hands again,
I wish we could experience the rain together again,
I wish we could have timeless conversations again,
I wish I could still be part of your pain,
I wish I could call you insane again,
I wish I could see you the same way again,
I wish I could be part of your gains again,
I wish I could I could hear your lame jokes again,
I wish I could at least talk to you again,
I wish I could time travel to live those moments again.
I wish...….I wish you were there right now, you could see Lily grow.
You know what? I asked her the same question yesterday,
The answer was still the same,
She still loves you the most,
she's your little princess, after all.
I miss you more than anything in this world,
Yet that little innocent soul adores you more than I can ever do…
….How?....how am I supposed to tell her daddy won't ever come back?
I didn't tell her anything today yet she knew it was our anniversary today,
And she made me order your favourite dish,
She asked the same question again
"Why isn't daddy back?"
How ....how will I make her understand she will never get to play baseball with you ever again,
These questions again and again drive me insane….
Lily, You spent nine months more with me than you did with Dad,
Yet you have always been Daddy's princess,
Do you miss his forehead kiss?
You surely do,
There is a reason you keep asking for Daddy to be back.
Only if it was possible,
I would trade everything I have for him,
Only to be back,
Back to give you a piggyback ride,
Back to playing hide and seek with you,
Back to take you to Shy's kitchen, it's your favourite, isn't it?
But it's been ages since we went there,
You keep asking to go there,
But finance ain't all right.
Mommy herself ain't doing all right.
It's been a month since we have been home,
All you see is Mommy in the hospital bed lying there waiting,
For you to come,
So that I can have a glimpse of you,
Cutie, I want to play with you,
Cutie, I want to play with you,
But….I can't…
I can't get out of this bed,
I want to do so much with you,
Yet all I can do is just lie here and wait….
Wait for something magical to happen….
You keep insisting on visiting Shyfi,
That was Dad's favourite, wasn't it?
Daddy used to take you there every Sunday,
With him, every day was a fun day,
There's a reason you keep asking when he will come back.
How am I supposed to make you understand he has left,
And he won't ever be back.
He may not be present here,
But he's always with you,
Looking at you from the sky,
Pity how we didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
I wish I was there, I wish.....
I wish I was there that day in the car instead of him,
I wish I was the one that was returning,
I wish I was the one who was crushed by the truck,
But
But
It was him.
It was all…
..It was all because of me,
Had he not come to give me a visit,
Everything would have been right,
But because of me,
He's not with us,
And you are left alone…..
Alone with a so-called mother who can't even stand,
Who can't even be okay without this ventilator by her side.
Only if it was me instead of him,
It would have been heaven.
It would have been heaven.
Fate is cruel,
That time we had everything,
Now I can't even buy you something,
Your birthday is around the corner,
Yeah I remember, it's coming.
I can't even take you out to buy something,
It is going to be your first without him,
The light keeps getting dim and dim.
Everyday,
It's just me questioning
Will I be able to see you tomorrow again,
Can I stretch your cheeks once again?
Can I hear you sing a song once again?
Can I explain to you what you mean to me?
Lily, you have always been daddy's princess,
The first word you said was Dad,
I still remember he was jumping in joy.
Everytime,
He asked you whom you love the most,
The answer was always the same,
The answer was always.....the same.
It was always Dad.
I know sweetie,
On this sports day, there was no one to cheer you on,
With your dad gone....
I know sweetie,
How other kids made fun of you,
I know sweetie,
How they look down on you,
How they keep calling you an orphan,
I couldn't be there to cheer you on,
I wish it was me in the car instead of him,
I wish I was the one that day returning from the hospital….
Lily,
You are a big girl now,
A week later,
You are turning eight.
When I asked you what you want for the gift.
"Lily, do you want to go to Shy's kitchen for your birthday?"I asked,
But you denied,
It was strange why you denied,
Even when I told you it was alright,
You denied,
Instead, You want something that's out ...out of reach...
It's something that even if give up everything I can't have,
In fact, it's something no sum of money can have,
YOU WANT DAD BACK.
How am I supposed to make you understand it isn't possible,
How am I supposed to tell you Dad's gone forever...…
How do I explain that the stars you see at night are not his footsteps returning,
That the silence in the hallways isn't him playing hide and seek,
That the chair by the window will remain empty,
Yet his love will fill every corner of our lives.
The doctor said it might be the last birthday you will have with me,
But it's not the first time,
They are saying I won't make it,
I'm sure this time too I will be back,
I will break it.
I don't have anything at the present moment to gift you,
However I have written something for you,
You may not get it right now,
But at the right time,
You will know.
one thing...one thing I can guarantee you is,
"I love you as much as the night is in love with stars,
I love you as much as the lyrics are in love with verses and bars.
To me you are
The sun, the sun in winter,
A gentle swift of wind in summer,
A happy first rain in monsoon,
The gentle scenery of Lily in autumn."
With the letter for you,
Which you may read at the right time,
I'm also recording this voice note.
"Mom loves y—-".
These were the last few words she tried to recite,
And a week before her daughter's birthday she was dead with a pale face and expression of fright.
~ShyFi
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