original

Ruminative

นักเขียน: FTCG21

บท 1: Delusion Bloomed by a Flower

A wealthy family isn't enough to give you happiness. Dolls, clothes and gifts that change as I grow up will always be nothing, but material things. Mommy's doll, someone with elegance, poise and beauty. That's what I need to be to grow up. Everyday's pressure felt like an eternity, something I enjoyed turned to what I loathe the most. Everyday I felt myself crack and start to fall apart. I told you my truth and my story, but you turned a blind eye. You can't fix a doll just because you dressed it up to cover it's broken parts. Just like a bird trapped inside a cage, it would never see the light of day as it was stuck inside there.

Please let me out of this cage. I just want to breathe. I just want to see what it's like out there. I want to watch the sun rise into the sky as a sign of new hope. Beyond the door that's stopping me to see what's really outside, what is out there?

In the garden, I roam as I was given a chance to finally be out as I repent from my actions. To never ask them again and tell them the truth, to just sit still and be pretty as I was given gifts. The garden filled with flowers was my sanctuary. Even just a bit I can finally feel as if I can breathe. Now in my journey in this small part of the world only I can see, what would happen today?

I waited days for something to happen, until days went by and turned into weeks. Weeks turning into months and those months turning into one year. Lost of motivation and hope. I sat there disappointed.

"A flower crown just for you!"

As if the gods heard my prayer once and finally saw me. You were standing there with a flower crown in your hand and greeted me with the brightest smile I saw. That flower crown and you who arrived that day changed my life. It was you who taught me to have my own opinions and thoughts.

It was you who taught me the joy that even the smallest things could bring.

It was you who taught me how memories can be a lifelong treasure.

It was you who gave me a new will and goal to live.

It was you who taught me how to love.

…

Doubt and fear came in. Is it really ok for me to feel this immense joy? What if everything just breaks apart one day? What if everything we kept just disappeared? What if the memories we made were just to be forgotten? What if the goals we had were nothing more than a teenage fantasy? Am I allowed to roll down on the grass with you freely? Am I allowed to have this immense joy…?

I was… until I couldn't anymore.

…

We got caught by my dad as we rolled down the grass in the garden they never visited me once into. The moment we got caught I knew it was over. I kneeled on my knees and begged. Even for a few minutes longer, before you return me into my bird cage. Full of disgust and irritation, he allowed me to be with you even a few minutes longer. He entered inside the house as we sat there beside each other as I wore the flower crown you made me.

You apologized as you cried beside me. I have never seen such a pretty face as you cried. Though confused and happy, I knew it myself that you shouldn't blame yourself. We talked until our minutes would last.

"Can I ever have freedom, like yours?" You looked at me with such tender eyes as I asked. It wasn't pity nor belittling just compassion towards someone.

"You can, you can even take my freedom." It was an answer that warmed my heart. I didn't need to hear anything else. So I did. We sat there until our time had gone by. You went home with the woods route you take everytime you sneak in. I could see the maid that saw us the whole time looked at me with worry, but I smiled. With the flower crown you gifted to me, I was just given hope to fully get the freedom that you promised me.

Ever since that day, I was sent onto a different home. Where other people also lived. I was constantly on watch, just in case I ever sneaked out and ran. I lived there every day longing for you. Everyday I felt as if you were beside me and we were together.

Things change and I have turned 18.

"A flower crown just for you."

A repeated line in my dreams, continuously visiting me every night without delay. It was from a friend, meeting her was the best thing that could happen to me. Someone beside me, who never left me alone when I needed someone. I kept on dreaming of that scene wherein we met.

The day we met was also the day I first fell in love. I didn't know what I felt at first as I just felt as if something melted inside of me. Though ever since that day we became inseparable, days were now filled with laughter and joy. A never ending roller coaster of emotions and enjoyment lasted throughout my days. Those flowers in the flower crown she gave me in our childhood are now my favorite flower. Euphoric emotions go through my blood as I receive them from you. The letters I receive from you every week keep me going as we mature into adults.

Those moments we had were now nothing, but happy memories I will treasure until the end. I hope as the two of us matured, we will make new ones. Excited as a child, despite me turning as an adult I rode the car as I drove onto your home. I am different now, a bit more matured and smarter. I was ecstatic to meet you again, as I knock onto your gate and wave onto your mom on the porch. I held dearly and close to my chest the flower we loved since childhood.

"You monster!" She screamed.

…

What...?

What monster?

What did I do?

Your family started swarming me like ants. The gentle smile they used to show me when we were younger was gone. Fear, anger and pain were the only emotions I felt as I looked into their eyes.

"You have the audacity to show up here? Have some respect!" Your mom shouted as I just stood there confused.

"What did I do…?" The question slipped off my mouth as I watched them gang up on me. Which was a mistake as it seemed as if I snapped something.

"You killed her! Brutally as you left for a different country!"

What…? I stood there wide eyed as the noise was now starting to mute and I started to not hear anything anymore. "Sh-She's dead?"

Slap.

…

I could feel my cheeks burn in pain and ran. Embarrassment, confusion, and guilt. Where is this guilt I feel? What happened years ago? I ran and ran onto the garden we used to play on while tightly holding the flowers we loved so dearly.

"Please… explain… someone…" I cried as I sprinted through the grass, until I saw a gravestone full of flowers. I looked down and kneeled, it was your grave. I was confused and in immense pain as I tightly held onto the flowers I brought. I sat there as I turned them into flower crowns like we used to. A maid came onto my side as I sat down there on the grass alone. She was the same maid who looked at me with worry when I left her side for the last time.

"What happened…?" I ask weakly not even giving her a lot of eye contact.

"The day when you left, when you asked her about freedom… You killed her… I didn't look at you with worry that day rather than with fear… That the person I serve has now killed one of the most important people in her life." She placed a bottle of water beside me and left me for a while. She knew she had to leave me and make me process what has happened.

The flower we loved so much was so rare we only got it from the forest at the back of our garden. Angel's Trumpet, a beauty that even this flower could not compare and your personality just like an angel.

I love you… Dabria.

The caged bird who finally thought she saw freedom. Realized the cage and the forest she has been flying in was nothing, but a delusion of how she saw the world. Her desperation created a consciousness of a false reality from the shit she lived in. As she thought she finally flew out of the crowded jungle. It was just a garden of leaves and trees for the next path that awaited her.