บท 9: Chapter 8

Astraea's POV

My gaze was stuck on the wall, mind blank as I sipped my coffee. The sweet-bitter taste helped me to calm down the nerves, but it was still not helpful enough to resist the urge of banging my head on the wall.

Emily snorted beside me.

"How come I have never noticed this before ?"

From the moment I told her about the weird interactions between me and Zeus, this was her reaction. Nonetheless she was pretty surprised and excited about my plans with Zeus.

"Ok, but I really don't get the problem here ?. You are interested in Zeus, so go ahead and blew him off his mind."

I sighed.

"Not that easy Em. The dimensions between us is really weird."

"Weird?..How so?"

"It's just ...I-I can't explain. You know the stupid feeling of knowing each other from the time I don't even remember. My feelings for him, I mean I don't even know what I feel for him. It's like an unexplainable pull towards him. And Zeus..one moment he ignores me like a plague and the next moment he invites me to see his paintings, which if you recall, NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT."

"Look, everyone is different. From what we have seen, Zeus is a very closed person and maybe he find his comfort in painting. So when he saw you understanding them, maybe he felt at ease talking to you then. "

She flapped her hand in the air while explaining to me a reason which I'm sure she herself finds too damn confusing. But that's Emily for me. No matter what she would be there for me, always.

"Yeah...Thanks Em. It really helped."

She breathed out a sigh of relief making me chuckle.

"So now that it's sorted, tell me more about your basic carnal sessions with him." She wiggled her eyebrows with a sly smirk.

"My what-we had no such thing. I told you he just looked at me sometimes and everything just vanished..." My voice lowered as I felt myself lost in those moments in which it was us. No matter how much I raked my brain, there was nothing I could explain those feelings with.

"You are so in deep for him, Rae."Her voice broke the trance I was in.

She smiled genuinely. I knew what she was implying about and that was the moment a fear grew in heart. All for different reasons. The fear of feeling things for Zeus which could lead to a heartbreak I anticipated or a fear of separation from him, one I probably won't be able to survive.

The only dilemma, I couldn't decide which one scared me the most.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The classes for next day were already over. I decided to head over to Ms. Brendon's office. I desperately wanted to know if there was a connection between the blue flames I see in my dreams and the one mentioned in that book. There was a high possibility that it was a mere coincidence and that it was only my paranoic heart but no matter the result, it will ease my mind.

I walked towards the peach coloured door. The door was left ajar, so I could hear few hushed voices coming from inside. I couldn't really make out the words but the tone of the people inside felt a little aggressive.

Being the curious cat I was, I closed the distance towards the door, but suddenly a displeased Miranda came out of the room.She was surprised and a little baffled to see me.

I wonder why ?

"How long have you been here ?" Her monotonous voice was so unfamiliar to me.

Maybe my muddled expression was the reason, but she sightly smiled her regular smile."I am sorry, I was just surprised."

"Uh no, I just came to meet Ms. Brendon, but are you alright ?"

"Yeah , I am fine. You should go then."An uncleared goodbye was delivered as she hurriedly went down the corridor.

The more I see her, the more abnormal she gets.

I softly knocked on the door. A tired Ms. Brendon allowed me to come in."Oh Ms. Kingston, how can I help you ?"

"I had some questions." I showed her the book residing on my palm and magically, her whole tiredness vanished like dust in the air. She gave me a huge smile.

"I see you have been reading it diligently then, please have a seat Ms. Kingston."I sat at the chair in front of her and opened the last page I read. She took a look at the page and raised her small bushy eyebrows.

"Cerulean clan, interesting aren't they ?. So what is it you wanted to ask?"

"The essence, I wanted to know what it is ?"

Her eyes narrowed and the smile on her lips definitely had a displeasing aura. I felt myself shrink under her scrutinizing gaze.

"Essence. In simple words, its like a part of soul. However, Selena 's essence weren't simple, oh no, they were powerful and enchanting. The wolves of the Cerulean clan were blessed to have an essence. The essence was achieved when the wolf proved it's worth and loyalty to the goddess. Not every wolf in the clan were able to feel the boon though. It was believed that one should have the purest and bravest heart to carry that essence within them. One who won't be afraid of death nor will hesitate to deliver the same. Only the direct successor of Eros were seen to have the essence."

"What did those essence feel like ?" My curious voice echoed in the silent room. Ms. Brendon bend a little towards me. Her muddy brown eyes directly staring at mine.

"What do you think they will feel ?"

I saw myself in the dark jungle, the way those blue strings surrounded me.

"Cold. A frost piercing cold oozing through the skin. Like numbing your senses. So bitter and chilly that it feels like being thrown into an icy glacier."

It was meant to be a question. But the dream was so livid that it came out as a stamped fact, one I felt like I was sure of.

Ms. Brendon gazed at the book ,her eyes gave nothing about her thoughts. She was silent, too much for my liking. And what seemed like hours later, she finally spoke.

"Unfortunately, nothing more about the essence has been there, so I think we won't really know about the feeling. Nonetheless, I would still like to know why do you think like that ?"

I shrugged. "Just because, it was the first thought that came to my mind."

She smiled and her face awfully felt like the expression of 'I know you are lying. '

"As you know Ms. Kingston, we all are the children of God yet we are so different from each other, aren't we ?. Just like that, Essence was the nature of only a true Cerulean but it was different for everyone. It was just a mirage of the person's nature. So if one needs to gain their essence, they just need to look into their own heart and feel those flames seeping in the core. Embracing the feeling only will unite a body and a soul."

"So, just look deep into your heart and find the memory frozen in it. Maybe the biting cold in your heart will annihilate the coldness of the essence and you can finally be your true self."She chuckled while closing the book and handed it over to me.

Finding the frozen memory. Do I even have one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After dinner, I went back into my room. The only thing while coming back from the university is about the frozen memory.

Frozen...as in something I couldn't remember. An incident or a person perhaps.

I pulled out the huge cardboard box which was lying under the bed. Opening it and smiled as a few memories instantly rushed in my mind.

A little white lily, whose petals were all dried out, but it held a really cute memory. A little boy in my kindergarten gave it to me and kissed my cheek saying I was pretty. I remember crying to my mother about how I hated that boy for licking me and while Dad trying to sue him for harassment. Let's say mom didn't take that well.

I kept it on my bed and took out a little necklace from the box. I was seven when I my parents gifted it on my birthday. It was the shape of a tear drop, green in color just like my eyes. But not even few hours and I broke it into two pieces while playing. Dad tried to fix it but then it was never the same. Since, I couldn't wear it, I kept it in this box safely as it was very precious to me.

Few stick drawing were in the box. I drew them whenever Dad took us out for a family vacations. It was my way of preserving memories. I took out one of the drawing, it was my dad 's when he was running around the beach trying to get the baby turtles out of his pants Those creatures sneakily entered while he was swimming. I laughed seeing the picture, they were the memories I always cherished.

There was a photo album. I opened it and they were my baby pictures. Some were just of me and my parents while some with my relatives. I could almost reminiscence everything. I could recall all the faces and their involvement in my life.

There was not a single missing piece in my life. Then how could someone like me have a frozen memory ?

Maybe everything in my dream is just that...a dream. A fugitive from the stories woven by my subconscious mind. The flames, the woman and the wolf were just mythical creature enhancing the creativity of my sleepy mind.

That was it. But why did it only hurt?.

Was there really a part in those imaginative faculty I desperately wanted to be true?

So desperate that the attenuated part between reality and imagination was slowly becoming blurry.

I feared that I was going to be lost, lost in those flames so much that even tearing them won't bring me back into this sanctuary of mine again.