บท 2: The Big News
[Dunphy Residence]
"Kids! Breakfast! Kids!", shouted Claire before looking at her husband, "Phil, would you go get them?".
Phil, who was next to her and playing on his phone, said, "Yeah. Just a sec". Walking towards the fridge, he quickly grabbed something before stuffing it into his mouth, leaving the fridge open.
As soon as he turned around, Claire turned around to get something and walked into the fridge, dropping the bowl with cereal in her hand. "That is totalled", said Phil, looking at how frustrated his wife had become. Seeing it necessary to ease the growing tension, he shouted, "Kids! Get down here!"
"Why are you guys yelling at us when we're way upstairs? Just text me", said Haley, coming into the kitchen with her phone in her hands.
"All right, that's not gonna happen. And, wow, you're not wearing that outfit", said Claire, seeing Haley's attire.
"What's wrong with it?", questioned Haley.
Claire turned to look at her husband, who was still on his phone, "Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt?".
Looking up from his phone, Phil replied, "Sorry. Oh yeah, that looks really cute sweetheart".
"Thank Dad", said Haley.
"No. It's way too short. People know you're a girl, you don't need to prove it to them", responded Claire.
Alex walked into the room and informed her parents, "Luke got his head stuck in the bannister again".
Putting his phone in his robe pocket, Phil left the kitchen and towards the stairs, "I got it. Where's the baby oil?"
"It's at our bedside ... I don't know, find it", said Claire.
[Commentary]
Claire and Phil
"I was out of control growing up. There. I said it", said Claire before taking a deep breath, "I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes I made. If Haley never wakes up in Florida half-naked, I've done my job"
"Our job", Phil interrupted.
"Right. I've done our job", said Claire while nodding her head.
[Commentary ends]
"Buddy, why do you keep getting stuck like this?", asked Phil as he patted some baby oil on Luke's head and the bannister.
Luke quickly defended himself, "I thought I could get out this time".
Alex was walking down the stairs while saying, "I'm just going to say it. He needs to get checked by a specialist".
Ignoring her words, Phil put in some more effort and finally pried Luke's head from the bannister, "There. Be free, Excalibur", he said while waving his hands.
"I'm having a friend over today", said Haley as she walked out of the kitchen.
Claire, who was walking down the stairs with a basket of laundry, asked, "Who?"
Walking up the stairs, Haley replied, "You don't know him".
Immediately, Claire stopped walking and swivelled around to talk to Haley, "Him?"
Luke, who was now free, said, "Oooh. A boy. You gonna kiss him?" while making kissing faces.
"Shut up!", shouted Haley, before being restrained by Claire.
"Easy. Easy", said Phil, trying to calm down Haley, Luke and Alex who were arguing with each other.
Once everyone calmed down, Claire turned to Haley who was walking away, "Haley, who's the boy?"
"His name is Dylan", she said, passing her fingers through her hair, "You know, I might as well just tell him not to come because you guys are just going to embarrass me again".
"Sweetie, hang on a second", Claire said, stopping Haley, who was at the top of the staircase, "You're 15 and this is the first time you're having a boy over. I mean, I'm bound to be a little surprised, but I'm not gonna embarrass you".
Phill snapped his finger, "I better go charge the camcorder". Immediately, Haley let out a series of groans, "I'm kidding. Come on, who are you talking to?", he said while pointing at himself.
[Commentary]
Phil
"I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I'm hip. I surf the Web. I text", he said, "L-O-L, laughing out loud. O-M-G, oh my god. W-T-F, why the face?". He then looked at the camera and said, "You know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, soo"
[Commentary ends]
Once Haley had left her room, Alex suddenly remember and said, "I just remembered. I have to prepare for my science project and I'm having someone come over".
Immediately, the whole house quietened down, everyone was looking at Alex weirdly. Claire was the first to snap out of her thoughts, "You're bringing someone over honey. Who is it?"
Unfazed, Alex replied, "It's that annoying boy I told you about, Zephyr. Mrs Henderson paired us together so we have to do the project together. Because you won't let me go to someone else's house, I told him we can plan here".
As if summoned out of nowhere, Haley's words echoed down the stairs, "Did I just hear correctly? Alex is bringing a guy over. Is he hot? or is he some geek like you?"
"Hey!", shouted Alex indignantly, "and I don't know. What classifies as hot?".
At this Phil involved himself, "It's when someone's handsome, as though you have this weird sense attraction when you see him".
"Phil!", exclaimed Claire, "why are you helping Haley?"
"What?", said Phil, "besides, you heard her. She finds him annoying. There's no way she likes him", he said, whispering the last part.
"I don't know. Whenever I see him I have this weird feeling in my stomach. I can't explain it", said Alex.
"What, like there are butterflies in your stomachs?", questioned Claire.
Alex thought about it for a few seconds, before nodding.
[Commentary]
Claire and Phil
"Oh my god, Phil! She likes that boy! We've got to do something about it", exclaimed Claire, "all this time, we've been too focused on Haley that we've forgotten about Alex".
"Relax", said Phil, "Once he sees how cool and scary I am, he'll stay away from Alex".
"Phil honey, I don't know if you know, but you're not exactly terrifying", said Claire.
"What? Of course I am, have you seen these muscles" he replied while tensing his muscles as if he were some bodybuilder.
"Whatever. We need to come up with a real plan to find out more about the boy", stated Claire.
"His name was Zephyr. It sounds so exotic. Do you think he's as cool as his name sounds?", asked Phil. At his words, Claire let out a sigh and shook her head in disappointment.
[Commentary ends]
"Mom! Dad! Luke just shot me!", shouted Alex as she walked into the room while grabbing her arm.
Luke walked in after her, "I didn't mean to, it was an accident".
"Are you okay?" asked Claire while setting down the laundry basket on the kitchen table. She quickly made her way to Alex and began inspecting his hand.
"No! The little bitch shot me!", she exclaimed.
"Language", reminded Phil as he walked in.
Luke attempted to defend himself, "They're only plastic BBs. I told you it was an accident".
Claire turned around and looked at Phil, "What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this".
Phil then turned his attention to Luke and said, "Buddy, uncool".
Hearing his words, Claire turned her attention back to Phil, "That's it. That- no no no no no no. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him".
"We were serious about that?", asked Phil.
"Yes, we were. Now you have to follow through", said Claire with a condescending tone.
Luke immediately began crying, "I'm so sorry".
Claire was unphased and replied, "Liar". Luke stopped his fake crying. "Go", she said to Phil.
"He's got a birthday party" argued Phil.
"What's more important here Dad?" asked Alex.
"You can shoot him afterwards, he'll be home at 2" responded Claire.
Phil then said, "I can't shoot him at 2. I'm showing a house at 2".
"What about 3?", Alex questioned.
"No, he's got a soccer game at 3", said Claire, "And then we've gotta leave for that dinner at 5". Looking at the calendar, "You can shoot him at 4:15".
"Yeah, that works for me", Phil replied. As Claire wrote down the reminder, Phil looked at Luke and said, "Sorry dude, it's on the calendar", while rubbing Luke's head.
[Time Skip]
"Don't answer it, I'll get it!", shouted Haley as the doorbell was rung.
Claire immediately made her way towards the door while folding some clothes on the way. Despite Haley running to the door, her mother got the first and managed to open the door. "Hi. Hey. You must be Dylan", she said, holding out her hand.
"Hey. Dylan, yeah", he responded while shaking her hand.
"I'm Haley's mother", Claire introduced herself.
Pushing her mother out of the way, Haley greeted Dylan, "Hey, come on. Let's go", she said while grabbing his hand and leading him up the stairs towards her room.
Springing into action, Claire stopped them, "Okay, hang on one second". Looking at Dylan, she asked, "Dylan, you're still in high school?"
"Yeah, I'm a senior", he responded.
"A senior. Okay, cool", muttered Claire. Turning to look at Phil who was putting on his blazer, she said, "Hey Phil. Sweetie, he is Dylan and he is a senior. And you want to scare him", she said, mouthing the last part.
Phil then walked in front of Dylan, having to look up due to the height difference, "Let me meet this player". Holding his fist out, he said, "Phil Dunphy, yo".
As Phil and Dylan began their staredown, the sudden ringing of the doorbell snapped them out of their non-verbal battle.
Distracted by the doorbell, Phil turned around and opened the door. As soon as he opened the door, he heard Haley gasping.
Outside their door was an incredibly handsome 13-year-old. The boy wore navy trousers with a black belt around his waist. On top, he had a white turtleneck which contrasted with his obsidian hair, with a matching navy blazer on top. His hair was parted into an 'M' shape which brought attention to his beautiful midnight-blue eyes. He waved his hand and introduced himself, "Hey. Names Zephyr. I'm here to work with Alex".
Unsurprisingly, Claire was the first to snap out of her thought and introduced herself, "I'm Claire, Alex's mom".
"Nice to meet you, Mrs Dunphy", he replied courteously. Turning his attention to Phil, he asked, "I'm assuming you're Mr Dunphy".
Phil, having not recovered properly, said, "Yes. I mean no. I mean yes. I mean, I think I'm Alex's dad". Claire elbowed Phil, which snapped him from his thoughts. Coughing, he looked down at Zephyr and attempted to appear intimidating, "I am Alex's dad runt, what you gonna do about it?".
In response, Zephyr replied, "Your trouser is falling Mr Dunphy".
"What?", responded Phil, before looking down and realising that his trouser was falling. Quickly securing it with his hand, he ran out of the room while shouting to Claire, "Claire honey, you deal with this. I need to get a belt and fix my trousers".
Sighing at her husband's incompetence, Claire turned to look at Zephyr, who was awkwardly standing outside. "You can come in", she said.
After receiving confirmation, he stepped into the house and looked around for a few seconds, ignoring the two people on the stairs. "You have a splendid home, Mrs Dunphy. It's very ... homely", he stated.
"Thank you for your compliments", Claire responded, "Right. Let me find Alex for you". Nodding, Zephyr was led to the kitchen where he saw Alex reading a book.
"Hey Alex", he said curtly, before taking a seat next to her.
Looking up from her book, she asked, "What do you want to do for the projects?".
At her words, Zephyr stroked his chin in deep thought. "Perhaps we should replicate Newton's light experiment which showed that the colour of light was not determined by the medium it passed through".
Hearing his answer, Alex closed the book she had in her hand and thought about it for a few seconds before saying, "Yeah, that sounds good enough. We should start with how the experiment was carried out and how we can replicate it in school".
Nodding at her words, Zephyr quickly grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. His hand moved gracefully as it began to detail the experiment. Alex moved her chair closer to take a look and was surprised to find that Zephyr's explanation was concise and accurate, incredibly so.
Standing behind them while baking a cake, Claire looked at them and muttered, "They're such good children. I remember what I was like when I was ...". Immediately, she sprinted away from the room and made her way upstairs.
Alex and Zephyr briefly looked at her as she ran from the room, but turned their attention back to the experiment they were planning.
[Outside the house]
Phil walked towards Luke who had a large puffer jacket on, 2 hats, and more than 1 underwear. Phil sighed as soon as he saw his son, "Buddy, what are you wearing?"
"Nothing", said Luke.
"Uh-uh. No jacket and one hat. Also, how many pairs of underwear are you wearing?", he asked.
As Luke was taking off his jacket and hat, he meekly replied, "1". Seeing the look on his dad's face, he said, "6".
"I want you to know, I'm not enjoying this", said Phil, "but this is an important lesson for you to learn. So. Soak it, keep it".
As Phil prepared himself to take a shot, Luke said, "You're too close, it's gonna hurt".
"It's meant to hurt", responded Phil with a smile on his face.
"Then why are you smiling?", asked Luke.
"I'm what?", said Phil, putting the gun down. Shaking his head, he raised the gun once more and prepared to shoot. Seeing Luke cover himself, Phil hesitated, before sighing, "Forget it, I can't do this", he said, waving his arms around, "The point is, you're scared so you've learnt your lesson".
As he was putting the gun down, the mechanism was triggered and a bullet shot forward and hit Luke's arm. "Ow. You hit my bone!" exclaimed Luke, "I thought you were my friend".
"I am your friend", Phil replied as he moved forward to try and console Luke.
"Dad! Dad! Dad! You've got to talk to mom. She is, like, completely freaking out and embarrassing me", pleaded Haley as she came running in.
"Well honey, your mom isn't as cool about things as I a-woah", shouted Phil as another bullet flew from the gun and hit Dylan in the neck, who in return screamed.
"What's happen-ahhh!" screamed Zephyr as he was suddenly hit in the stomach by a bullet.
"What is with this thing!", yelled Phil, dropping the gun, which immediately shot a bullet into his legs due to the recoil, "Ow!"
[Time Skip]
After the incident, Phil and Claire decided it was best for Zephyr and Dylan to rest. Unfortunately for Haley, Dylan had to leave. As he sat down on a chair in the kitchen, Zephyr looked around and noticed that Claire was still in the midst of baking a cake. Deciding to be helpful, he asked, "I'm very good at baking, would you like my help, Mrs Dunphy?".
Looking down at Zephyr as she measured the ingredients for the cake, she replied, "No. I can't possibly ask a guest to bake for us".
"I don't mind. And besides, I've got nothing better to do right now", he replied.
After thinking about it for a few seconds, Claire nodded. Standing up, Zephyr made his way to the kitchen and looked at all the ingredients on the table. After going through an assortment of recipes in his head, he nodded to himself upon finding the best one and got to work.
Seeing him working so hard, Claire sat down on a chair and watched Zephyr bake. She was surprised by his skill and efficiency, noticing how he got rid of some of the ingredients and replaced them. Walking behind her, Alex looked at Zephyr and asked her mom, "What is he doing?"
"He wanted to bake so I let him", she replied.
Alex looked closely at Zephyr, experiencing the same strange sensation in her stomach as she had before in school.
[Time Skip]
"Wow", said Claire as she saw the cake before her. The vanilla cake had red frosting with yellow icing stars. All in all, the cake looked absolutely fabulous.
"I never knew you were so good at baking", said Alex as she looked at the cake with mixed feelings.
"You never asked", he replied. Looking at the clock on the wall, he noticed that it was pretty late, "I should get going now".
As he began to leave the room, Claire grabbed his shoulder and stopped him, "There's no way you're getting away like that. Since you've baked the cake, you should at least be there when we give it to Cam and Mitch".
"Yeah, you should, like, come with us", said Haley.
"It would make things more bearable", muttered Alex.
Zephyr waved his arms, "I wouldn't want to impose".
"Nonsense", said Phil, "It'd be strange if you weren't there. You made the centrepiece of the party".
Under the expectant gaze of all the family, Zephyr admitted defeat and chose to go with them to the party. Before leaving, he quickly messaged his dad telling him that he was going to be late.
[Commentary]
Cam and Mitch
"My Dad ... My Dad still isn't completely comfortable with this", said Mitch as he pointed at himself and Cam, "He still does this thing. It's been 5 years now but he still does this thing where he announced himself before walking into any room we're in, just to make sure he doesn't have to ever see us kiss".
"I wish my mother had that system", remarked Cam, "Remember?", he asked Mitchel.
"Not now", answered Mitch.
[Commentary ends]
"I still can't believe you did this to me", Mitch voiced as he walked into the room with a tray and began placing the food on the table.
"Would you get into the spirit of things? It's a celebration", spoke Cam as he began to some bowls on the table.
As the doorbell rang, Mitch muttered, "Oh God".
"Okay", began Cam, "I'm going to go get Lily ready and I want you to come straight out with it".
"All right", said Mitch.
"You can do this", continued Cam, "sports guy chest bump", he said while spreading his arms.
"No. No no no no", muttered Mitch, before Cam bumped his chest on Mitch. "Just go". Walking towards the door, he took a deep breath before opening the door, "Hey!", he exclaimed, before hugging Claire who was the first in, "How are you?". Upon seeing the cake in her hand, he remarked, "Oh, that looks good", before being distracted by Phil and the rest of the family.
"Here", said Phil as he handed Mitch a wine bottle.
As he thanked them, Claire said, "Don't thank us, open it. Dad is almost here".
A groan escaped his lips at her words. As he turned around to put the bottle on the table, he noticed that there was an additional presence in the house, "Oh, and who might you be?", he asked the 13-year-old boy with black hair standing at the doorway.
"I'm Zephyr", he introduced himself. " I made the cake so they forced me to come here", he explained. Mitch was a bit surprised but nodded nonetheless, too distracted by his thoughts. Seeing that introductions were done, Zephyr walked away from the awkward atmosphere and followed Alex.
As soon as Zephyr left, the doorbell rang repeatedly, "Knock Knock. We're here. Coming in", said Jay as he walked in, with Gloria and Manny following after.
Turning around, Mitch said, "Dad, don't worry. Nothing gay going on here". Hearing his words, Mitch asked, "May I take your multi-coloured coat and bejewelled cap?".
"Yeah", Jay said as he took his cap off and gave it to Mitch.
As Mitch moved away, Gloria, Phil, Jay and Claire welcomed each other. "So how was your trip?", asked Jay as he began to fill a glass with scotch.
"It was good. It was good, actually", began Mitch, "but about that. I have something that I need to tell you guys". Mitch began smiling as he continued, "We didn't just go Vietnam for pleasure. We kind of have some big news".
"Oh God, if Cam comes out here with boobs, I'm leaving", groaned Jay.
"Dad", muttered Claire.
"I hope he didn't embarrass you, Mom", said Haley, without looking up from her phone which she was using to text.
In response, Claire answered, "Don't mind her. Haley and Alex had their first boys over, and Phil shot both of them".
"Is that why Zephyr's here?", questioned Mitch.
"Who?", asked Gloria and Jay at the same time.
They were suddenly startled by a voice from the couch, "They mean me". Gloria let out a scream before they both turned to look at the source. They were met with a handsome 13-year-old boy who was sitting next to Alex. Both Alex and Zephyr were writing in a notebook filled with diagrams and instructions.
"Where'd you come from?", asked Gloria, "You nearly gave Jay a heart attack".
"Honey, I'm not old", argued Jay.
"I was here the entire time. You just didn't pay attention", replied Zephyr, leaning over Alex's hand to add some notes to one of the diagrams.
Seeing things go nowhere, Mitch coughed, "Anyway. So about a year ago, Cam and I started feeling this longing for something more, like a baby".
Immediately, Jay responded, "Whoa, that's a bad idea".
"What do you mean 'bad idea'", Mitch asked.
"Well, kids need a mother", Jay said, "If you two are bored, get a dog".
"Okay. We're not bored, Dad", countered Mitch.
Gloria spoke up hearing his words, "I support you, Mitchell, even though you're not my son".
Claire quickly followed with, "I think what Dad is trying to say is that Mitchell, you're a little uptight. Kids bring chaos and you don't handle it well".
"That's not what dad's saying, that's what you're saying", Mitch said, "And it's insulting in a whole different way".
"Okay, people. Let's chillax", interrupted Phil.
"Hey, where's Uncle Cameron?", asked Alex.
"Thank you, thank you. Someone who's not insulting me notices he's not here", said Mitch.
"Actually, I only noticed because Zephyr asked if someone was missing", interrupted Alex.
She was ignored by Jay, "Oh, so that's the big announcement. You two broke up. Well, you know, a baby wasn't going to help with that anyway. And you know, you're a little better off. He was a bit of a drama queen".
"No no no no no. Stop. Stop." said Mitch, raising his voice a bit, "You come into my house and insult me and my boyfriend, who's by the way, not that dramatic-"
Mitch is immediately cut off by the light dimming and the song 'Circle of Life' being blared from the speakers hidden in the room. Cam then enters the room with Lily in his arms.
Seeing this happen, Mitch resigned and said, "We adopted a baby. Her name is Lily". As he made the announcement, Cam was showing off Lily to everyone in the room. "Turn it off".
Cam responded, "I can't turn it off, it's who I am".
"The music", Mitch clarified.
In response, Cam nodded and turned the music off, "Say hi to Lily everyone". Everyone immediately stood up and surrounded Cam, talking about how cute she was.
Seeing what was happening, Jay interrupted everyone, "Excuse me. I know I said that I thought this was a bad idea", he rubbed his chin, "but what do I know? I mean, it's not like I wrote the book on fatherhood. I've been trying hard all my life and I'm still screwing things up now. Anyway, I'm happy for you And you should know I'm not here to spit in your face, I'm here to blow at your back".
"I don't get it", muttered Mitch with the rest following.
"It's meant to sound better in Spanish", Jay clarified.
In response, Glorio spoke the saying in Spanish, with everyone awing by the end.
"Anyhow, Mitch ...", Jay tried to say something but was cut off by Mitch.
"No Dad, it's-", as he was about to continue, Lily began crying. Gently taking her away from the rest of the family, he asked, "Do you want to meet Grandpa?"
"Are you kidding", said Jay, "She's one of us now. Let me see that little potsticker".
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