บท 1: Fresh New Love
"Today is the day",I think to myself, walking down to class,"I can't hide my feelings for him, no longer."
Head down, I reached class. As usual I choose the bench right next to my first and only love, Arun. There wasn't much to it, just a feeling in my heart. Whenever I was next to him, I always felt so good like butterflies flying in my stomach. He was beautiful in every way, eyes like flame bestowed upon by Gods to humans and hair like feathers of the Great Phoenix ripped out straight of a kdrama. His personality was written by stars, calm and mature in every situation. His smile could melt every locked heart. It would always give me a tickle whenever he smiled at my dumb jokes. Whenever I felt down, he was there for me. He said he didn't know how to talk, he couldn't be more wrong. He talked as if an Angel was inside him. He made me feel comfortable even in my worst times.I could sleep through the sleepless night in the warm arms of his voice. He was the best person to take your woes to, better listener than anyone else. Where others would make fun of for every word you say, he was there listening to as if you were giving a speech after winning a Noble Prize.
He was great at everything, whenever I thought there is no way he could do that, he would. I used to think artists couldn't play until I saw him, demolishing everyone in every sports imaginable.
His only weakness was people. He was an introvert of the last degree, he could paint the Monalisa but couldn't speak two seconds in front of a class of twenty.
It always surprised me how could someone so talented, charming and level headed had so little friends. He was someone great at being friends but shit at actually making them. We only became friends on accident. It was our first day and just happened to sit next to eachother because all seats were filled. I like to believe it to be sign from the universe. Apart from me, he has like two other people he talks to occasionally in class. None as good friends, if you even call people who ever ask for your favours as friends, as me.
And today was the day I was gonna tell him how i feel for him, how his dumb smile made me have a heart attack in a good way.
I just needed the perfect time, I couldn't just be like "Hey, by the way I like you", when he was the mentally preparing himself for school.
So, I waited and waited for the right moment, until it was recess. He had a habit of never being there with me in recess. When I asked him about it, he told me he hung out with his old friends from his former during lunch. Weird for a guy with barely any friends.
Anyways, after recess, I checked on him, only to find he wasn't at his desk. His bag was gone along with him. I didn't get any time to think about what to do as the teacher came quicker than expected.
It turns out he switched his place to sit behind some girl. I saw her almost everyday in a corner with the second most popular girl row of class but never cared enough to talk.
I was worried but calmed down, probably just a new friend he made in recess by mistake, now feels obliged to sit with her for some reason, he was too much of a introvert for anything more. I confidently reasoned with myself.
I just let him be at the end because I was a bit afraid of new people, so I couldn't just strom to them and inquire what was going on.
He came to me later and said nothing about the switching of places, I left it to that, didn't ask any further.
I was so lost in his sudden change, that I completely forgot to tell him about how I feel.
The next week, I couldn't come to school as I was too exhausted with the coaching my parents put me in.
Next I see, he was sitting next to that girl again, giggling. I was a bit distressed. "They are probably just friends, you are thinking too much", I told myself. Mid way through the third period. A student sitting beside me told me he was trying to get this girl. It couldn't be. I chalked it up to rumours and a boy and a girl can't be seen as friends in society. I just wasn't willing to accept it.
The next period was games, the only period it he would bother to talk to me.
I wanted to confront him straight away as I couldn't bear the thought no more. Instead I asked someone to do so for me as I didn't want to be that friend who meddles too much in their friends. He told him they were just friends. I was in relief. I knew he couldn't do me like that.
The next period I was made to sit behind them by the teacher because I was talking too loud or something, even when I was just telling the students around me to shut up. To my horror, he just seemed unfazed. He didn't even acknowledge me. He never did that before.
I could feel us getting more and more apart as each day passed. Until one day, he finally came clean.
She was absent today, so he finally chose to sit next to me. We talked like we did before, before the girl. Until some kind soul thought it would be a good idea to play Truth, as people always choose Truth over Dare.
As teenagers do, we asked him about her, when the needle looked at him. And my heart sank.
Turns out they have been dating for more than Five years now! MORE THAN FIVE! They were childhood friends, used to go to the same school till Matric and now moved here together to complete there Inter from here.
They were each other's first and last crush, confessed to each other in sixth grade, they have been together ever since.
I was devastated. I thought I had a chance, turns out I never did.
He was already someone else's and it was just my fantasy thinking he could ever be mine.
I never thought I would suffer heartbreak before I ever get in a relationship. It couldn't be, I couldn't lose someone before ever asking out. For all this time I thought the worse that could happen was I could get rejected. How wrong was I?
What made it worse, they seemed perfect together. They were in fact the cutest couple I had ever seen. While every one was running young and wild, proposing, loving and breaking up on the same day. They were the only mature and stable couple in the entire class.They were so good together. Everything she liked, he liked. He was friends with all her friends. They felt like old couples in their sixties, who had done it all and knew it all, their love was as old as it was pure. They were so like two shy elder golden retrievers together. Always together, having each other's back. They were inseparable.
Two adorable humans being adorable together who I wanted to punch in the face. When he smiled looking into her stupid eyes, I wanted to rip it out. When she acted all shy and cut-sy, whenever he looked at her, I wanted to put gasoline all over them . I didn't want to hate them, they were like angels on earth, I just couldn't help myself.
All their smiles and deep talks just with a blink of an eye made me feel . I had never had so much rage for someone. My heart burnt inside whenever I caught their sight. Never thought I would end up hating someone I loved from the bottom so much.
Now I am crying sitting laying on the desk, trying to hide the tears, saying everything is fine. It's not like he cares, he is just way too busy looking in her dumb eyes. He barely notices me anymore.
I wish he would at least acknowledge me, it's like I no longer exist for him. He says I can come whenever I want, and have a chat but when he is always busy playing with her hair, touching her fingers for some reason, it's hard. I feel like someone gave me a sweet chocolate just to put a knife straight through my heart.
It is not easy to keep my feelings under control anymore. Whenever I see I feel like I will just lose myself. My heart feels like a dog trapped inside a cardboard box who wants to run wild with him.
So in the end I try to avoid him as he has someone I just can't compete. And I will never be complete without him, oh my god I hate him so much.
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