บท 385: 385. First Mission ~Fill Up the Hole~
Josuke and a beautiful woman sat at the table in a fancy restaurant. Josuke laughs as she chuckled awkwardly.
"So... anyways... I then turned to Finn and said-..." Josuke smiled.
Then, the beautiful woman started winking with some guy behind Josuke.
"-...and then...! I kicked the dang Sir Slicer into oblivion! Heck!!! HAHA!!!" smiled Josuke.
"Uh-huh," said the beautiful woman. "Just a second..."
The woman goes behind Josuke and talks to the guy way at the back. She then begins to talk with him, then they both laugh. Then, they exchange numbers while Josuke watched the whole thing.
The woman walks back and sits before Josuke.
Josuke, with a breaking voice, said, "Well... I guess we should call it a night, huh?" He smiled with watery eyes.
"Good. I'll hang here for a 'sex'. I mean... a sec..." said the woman, as Josuke nodded, stood up, and walked away.
The other more handsome guy sat on Josuke's chair and took Josuke's dinner as the pair laughed at Josuke.
"He's not that good-looking. Thank you," said the woman.
Josuke bowed his head in shame and walked out of the restaurant. Josuke then sobbed quietly as he sat on the bench outside the restaurant. Josuke then takes out Prince, his Stand, as Prince prepares to punch Josuke's head clean off.
"Not today..." sighed Josuke.
*vrung*
Rick walks out of the portal and grabs Josuke's head.
"Ouch!" yelled Josuke.
"WE GOT A JOB, JOSUKE!!!" yelled Rick.
"Wha-? Huh?"
"WE FINALLY GOT A JOB!!! AW YEAH!!! IT'S A JAZZ FUSION ADVENTURE!!! WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!!! AHAHA!!! COME ON JOSUKE!!! MAD MAGICAL ADVENTURE WITH A CRAZY CALCAVADE OF CARTOON CHARACTERS!!!"
Josuke tries to grab the bench. "Let the suffering sink in for a while... Please..." Josuke's voice broke.
"SHUT UP, JOSUKE!!! STOP BEING THE QUIET KID AND START SHOOTING UP SOME UNIVERSES IN THE SCHOOL THAT IS THE MULTIVERSE INSTEAD, BABY!!!" Rick grabs Josuke's leg and pulls him toward the portal. "NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR NIHILISTIC POINT OF VIEW IN LIFE!!! IT'S JUST A GOOD DAY TO GET OUT AND HAVE SOME ADVENTURIN'!!! AHAHAHA!!!"
Josuke cries and claws the dirt as Rick pulls him inside.
He desperately tries to claw himself out. "Please... Please..."
Josuke thinks of a way to stay as he takes out the portal gun and breaks it, pouring the fluid all over the portal. The portal implodes and disappears.
"HEY!!!" yelled Rick.
Josuke sobs and runs away as Rick takes out a taser, shoots Josuke, and electrocutes him.
"Great... Now I have to build a new portal gun..." said Rick, sighing. Rick pulls him away.
"I'm not the Goddamned quiet kid...! *sniff sniff...*"
"Yes, you are, asshole! YES, YOU FUCKING ARE!!! NOW, GIT!!!"
Josuke, Finn, Jake, Spongebob, Patrick, Gumball, and Darwin all stare at the giant hole on the ground in the land of Elmore.
"This hole is a Stand?" asked Josuke.
"It's called a Bangles. It's just a massive sinkhole that eats just about anything. Anything that falls inside is spat out after a second. Watch."
Rick tosses his flask as his flask pops out of the hole and lands back on Rick's hand.
"What do you want us to do with it?" asked Gumball.
"Cover it up," said Rick.
"WHAT!?" asked Josuke. "YOU WANT US TO COVER AN UNCOVERABLE HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT!? WHO CALLED US HERE!?"
"Oh... Him..." said Morty.
A jeep randomly appears and crushes Patrick with its wheel. Mr. Mayor walks out of the jeep and into the scene with a swagger. He pulls his sunglasses down suggestively staring and winking at Darwin, who gives a disgusted look.
"Oh... You..." said Gumball, squinting his eyes.
"Hello, Watterson!" smiled Mr. Mayor.
"Why do you want us to cover up this hole!?" asked Darwin.
"Because I want to build a tourist spot right here," said Mr. Mayor.
"Here!?" asked Josuke. "In the middle of the desert!? Right literally the middle of fucking nowhere!?"
"What do you expect? I make my water park's foundation someplace else?" asked The Mayor.
"Y-... YES!!! THERE'S LITERALLY MILES AND MILES OF OPEN SPACE!!!" yelled Gumball.
"What if someone falls into it, hm?" asked The Mayor.
"YOU'LL JUST GET SPAT OUT AGAIN!!! Right, Rick?" asked Josuke.
"Yeah," said Rick.
"Well... Giant holes next to my water park is a bad place of business," said The Mayor. "I tried filling it with water. It didn't work. So here we are," said The Mayor.
"But it's physically impossible to cover it up!" yelled Josuke.
"Do you want to get paid!?" asked The Mayor.
"YES!!!" yelled the seven.
"Then DO IT!!!" The Mayor walks away. "I'll be there sunbathing with a pool about a kilometer away." The Mayor hops into a jeep as the jeep drives him away.
Josuke stares at the sky and shaded his eyes.
"Well..." sighed Finn. "Shall we start?"
"What do we do?" asked Gumball.
"I have an idea," said Jake. Jake expands and covers the entire hole. "RAUGH!!!"
Everyone stares at Jake.
"Now, what?" asked Patrick, who is healed by Josuke.
"Honestly? Didn't think this through," Jake stretches back to normal beside Finn.
Patrick thinks. "What if we grab the hole and push it somewhere else?"
Everyone thinks of Patrick's words.
"I don't think that would work, Patrick," said Spongebob.
"Gee... thinking like this makes my sock itchy..."
"Patrick, you don't wear any socks."
"Not on my feet," Patrick sneered and raised his eyebrows twice.
"I'm not comfortable around you anymore, Patrick."
"Well!? What do we do now!?" asked Josuke, taking out his portal gun. "What's that!? Nothing!? Aw. Too bad! I'll just go back and find a new date-..."
Rick grabs Josuke's portal gun. "You ain't going anywhere, Josuke. We need that money."
"How much!?"
"Ten million units!" yelled Rick.
Everyone is shocked by this.
Josuke sighs. "Fine... Fine! FINE!!! IF YOU WANT US TO SUFFER, FINE!!! In the name of Goddamned greed!"
"Oh, shut up, Josuke! You spend most of your time eating and exercising nothing in your body except probably y-y-your dick!" yelled Morty.
"You tell him, Morty!" yelled Rick.
"UGH!!!" Josuke starts to dig the sand into the hole as the sand puffs back out into his eyes. "FUCK!!! FUCK THAT!!! FUCK!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
Josuke drops to the ground and rolls around, putting more sand into his eyes. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! OH MY GOD!!! SOMEONE STOP THIS!!!"
Gumball takes his coffee and spills it into Josuke's eyes.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! FUCK YOURSELF!!!" yelled Josuke.
Five minutes... later...
Rick finishes cleaning Josuke's eyes and healing his face.
"Great! Now, what!?" asked Josuke. "Ugh! Gumball!? You try!"
Gumball digs up some sand and tosses it into the pit.
*CLANG*
*SPLAT*
Finn's face is bashed in by Gumball's shovel as Time Adventure blasts a punch into Gumball's face.
"MUDA!!!"
"MMPH!!! MY FLIPPIN' NOSE!!!" Finn yelled in a muffled voice. "WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP HURTING US!?"
Gumball topples on Darwin as Spongebob and Patrick, who were on Darwin's head, drop to the ground. Darwin then steps on both of them, crushing them both.
Jake sighs. "You guys need to be a bit more careful and watch your surround-..."
*PUFF*
Sand falls into Jake's face from the shovel.
Jake coughs and has an asthma attack as he drops and melts on the ground.
Spongebob slowly crawls out of Darwin's butt.
He gasps in relief. "Flappin' Flatsom! Your goldfish are nasty!" Spongebob crawls on the sand. "Don't be a Squidward, Josuke!" smiled Spongebob, looking all beaten up. "Be a Spongebob and push through! You've got the makings of it in you!"
"Alright," said Josuke. "My morale got a bit higher after seeing all of you suffer as well. Maybe we could read something about it in the Diaries..."
"The diaries?" asked the others.
Later...
*vrung*
The seven walked into Gabrielle's home. They meet Gabrielle and Narcos having tea at the table.
"Hello, Kuya Josuke!" smiled Gabrielle.
"Hello, Gabrielle," said Josuke. "Just here for the Diaries. What happened to Narcos over there?"
Narcos is shown to have bruises everywhere.
"I got mugged in an alley," said Narcos. "Apparently if you accidentally enter an alley you're not aware you're in, you don't continue walking forward."
"Well, duh... It's San Diego. What? You think it's a place where you get magical amulets?" asked Gabrielle.
Miguel warps out a cold brew and heals Narcos' body. "Yeah... It's called 'mugging.'"
"I saw some Anting-Antings nearby," coughed Narcos.
"Oh. Right. Those alleys..." said Josuke. "Try to make sure you retrace your steps when buying Anting-Antings. And don't speak English. They'll up the price. Could we see the Diaries?"
"Oh, sure..." said Gabrielle.
"You mean those dusty old things in the basement?" asked Miguel. "Why not just ask me? I know everything!"
"What's a Bangles' weakness?" asked Josuke.
"I dunno. Check the diaries," said Miguel.
Gabrielle facepalms.
"GAH!!!" yelled Yurielle in the kitchen. "SHIT!!! FUCK!!! BURNT THE PORRIDGE!!!"
"I could help," said Josuke.
"Nah... It's fine, Kuya Josuke!"
Shizuka eats a lollipop on the couch. "New password is all 5's."
"What!? Why!?" asked Josuke.
"We got lazy... We're paying for pretty much everything at this point," said Gabrielle.
Josuke and the others walked down to the elevator and entered it, once again re-entering the Reapercave.
"Hey! We're back here after ten years!" laughed Finn.
The seven walked to the library and looked for several sections there. There, they found and opened one of the books of the Grimm Diaries.
"There. 'Bangles,'" said Josuke."'Named after the Hindu bracelet that reminded the Grimm who discovered it about his dead Hindu wife who wore bangles every day when going out with him. It is a Stand related to the Wall Eyes found in various parts of the world. Its User is the Planet Earth itself. Though Earth is a planet, it is a living organism called the 'Gaia.'
On that note, Gaias are planets that are set in the habitable zones among stars and have systems allowing them to have life. Gaias usually have carbon or silicon as a base for the life that emerges from them. Gaias are fertilized by web-shaped meteorite-like creatures called the Cosmic Web that attaches themselves to the Gaia, shot from a creature created by God known as the Great Weaver. That's why many planets colonize Gaias, especially planet Earth, or Terra as they call it. Because Earth is incredibly rich with Hamon energies.
Now, these Gaias can have multiple Stands. Two Gaias have the Devil's Palms, others have the Wall-Eyes, Cradles, and Bangles. Bangles are hollow holes that act as a pipe with an entrance that loops back to itself, eternally existing as a cruel expression of infinity. Think of it as an infection the Gaia has. It is made of interdimensional energy similar to the portal fluid.'"
"So... it's like some weird planet pimple?" asked Jake.
"Okay... This is really boring. No offense since this is your culture after all, but could you skip to the part where he chops the dude's head or whatever?" said Gumball.
"Ugh..." said Josuke. "Hm... there...'Bangles can only be closed up if you let out the creature from within and battle against it. Do be warned. Most who fought this creature are killed and brought into the hole, never to come back out.'"
"Welp," said Finn. "Let's go kill it."
"Alright," said Josuke. "Morally ambiguous in murdering some dude... So what if we just... Ask him to leave?"
"Cool, cool," said Jake.
"Yay!" smiled Spongebob.
"I am ready to get eviscerated!" laughed Patrick.
"Alright," said Gumball.
"But what if we die!?" asked Darwin.
Everyone else stares at Darwin. "Aha... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AHA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"-Loser..." laughed Patrick.
The group walks back to the desert with the hole.
"What the hell do we do now?" asked Finn.
"Wait... I read something. YO FUCK FACE!!!" yelled Josuke.
Suddenly, the earth shook. The sky went dark. Terrifying music occurred. A large echo from the hole emerged.
"NGYUROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAARRR!!! WHO DARES DISTURB ME!???"
An old man wearing a white shirt that says, "This Hoe is Hot" with a picture of a Minecraft hoe on his shirt wearing a bikini, with no pants on climbs up from the hole. "Hey." He raised his hand to say hello. "What the hell do you want from me?"
"Whoa," said Jake. "Is the hoe a whore or are you the whore?"
"Clearly it says here that the hoe is the whore," said the old dude. "What's up?"
"Could you like... leave?" asked Josuke. "Like... forever?"
"But dude... This is where I live."
"There are literally millions of GODDAMNED miles of nowhere where you could settle," said Gumball.
"But I don't wanna," said the dude. "Kinda hits just the right spot when the sun is right above this place over here..."
Josuke facepalms. "When it's noon EVERYWHERE, except in the POLES, THE SUN IS ALWAYS RIGHT ABOVE US!!!"
"You're a Nuno sa Punso, right?" asked Gumball.
"Yeh," said the old dude.
"Technically, anything that has earth in it is your home, right?"
"Yeh."
"Then... GET OUT OF THIS SPOT!!!" yelled Josuke.
"Neh."
"WHY!?"
"I like it here."
"Then... Then! WE'LL KILL YOU!!! WE'LL DO THE MOST UNIMAGINABLE THINGS TO YOUR BODY!!! NOW IMAGINE THAT... AND DIAL IT UP TO TWELVE!!!" yelled Patrick.
"Jesus, dude," said Josuke.
"How do you imagine something unimaginable?" asked the old dude.
"What!? No! That was just a figure of spinach!" yelled Patrick.
"That was a bad figure of speech because it was counterintuitive. Fix your figuratives, man."
"GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!" yelled Josuke.
"Nah. Nah, man..."
The old dude does a backflip and tumbles back in the hole.
Suddenly, the seven begin to get sucked into the hole as they claw into the sand to try and keep their balance.
"WHOA!!!" yelled the seven.
"JOSUKE!?" asked Darwin.
Josuke squints his eyes and thinks.
"AAAAAAAAAAH!!!" yelled the seven.
Josuke looks at the portal gun in his holster.
"GUYS!!! I HAVE AN IDEA!!!" yelled Josuke. "JAKE!!! TAKE OUT THE PORTAL GUN IN MY HOLSTER, BREAK IT, AND TOSS IT INTO THE HOLE!!!"
Jake nods as he grabs the portal gun, breaks it, and tosses it into the hole.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" The hole of the Nuno began to implode. The Nuno jumps back out and begs. "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!! OKAY!!! I'LL MOVE!!! JUST STOP THIS!!!"
Josuke squints his eyes. "PRINCE!!!"
Prince grabs and restores the portal gun and the portal fluid returns into the gun.
The hole returns to normal.
"Screw you, man," said the Nuno.
The giant hole then crawls away almost immediately.
The Mayor's jeep immediately enters the scene as The Mayor hops out.
"Ten million units, right?" asked Josuke. "Pay up."
"Yeah... Kinda changed my mind about it... Found a better spot near a forest that I decided to commit deforestation on. You'll get a third instead."
"Three million units!?" asked everyone.
Patrick counts with his two tentacles.
"I don't have a third tentacle... I DON'T HAVE A THIRD TENTACLE!!! ALL IS LOST!!!"
"Just say what everyone else said!" yelled Darwin to Patrick.
"THREE MILLION UNITS!!!?" asked Patrick.
"DUDE!!!" yelled Darwin. "YOU'RE RIPPING US OFF!!!"
"Yes, but I'm the customer and the customer is always right. Besides... You already did your service."
"Okay..." Rick's voice echoed in the darkness. A portal appears behind them then Rick and Morty walk out of it. "Give us the units or else!"
"Or else what!?"
Rick takes out a ray gun and points it at The Mayor.
"Oh, wow. Killing Elmore's only one-party mayor sure is a good idea." The Mayor sneers.
"Then I'll clone you and inject all your old memories into it."
The Mayor's smile disappears.
"I have a new respect for Squidward," said Spongebob. "After this, I'm gonna have to ask Mr. Krabs for a raise."
"Why the heck would you wanna respect Squidward?" asked Patrick.
"You have problems, Patrick."
"Well?" asked Rick, as he cocks his ray gun and it charges with energy.
"Fine!" sighed The Mayor. "Take it!"
The Mayor scans Rick's watch with his. "TAKE YOUR STUPID MONEY!!! THIS ISN'T OVER, JAZZ FUSION!!!"
The Mayor enters the jeep. "Drive me to a river so I can pollute it and pee in it!"
"Yes, sir." The driver drives the jeep away.
Everyone leaps up and says, "YEAH!!!"
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