บท 226: 226. Thriller
"FUCK!!!" yelled Dark. "Where are the cameramen! The crew! Everyone!"
"Oh, hey, John," smiled Hercules.
"Why... didn't you use your Stand...?" panted Dark. "Now... WE'RE FUCKIN' STUCK HERE!!!" he woged into an Aswang in rage.
"Chill, dude," said Hercules.
"Hello, gentlemen," said Miguel, squinting his eyes and approaching the pair, who are strapped in chairs.
"You're the user of the legendary Star Platinum," said Dark. "You killed my father... I never thanked you."
"Save the gratitude for later. I'm trying to recruit you two to battle against the President of the United States of America," said Miguel.
"The... President?" asked Dark.
"Yes... Mr. President," said Miguel.
"Why the hell do you want us to commit treason?" asked Dark.
"Love?" smiled Hercules.
"Oh! Is this about your weird five worlds, one nation thing?" asked Dark. "Tom Cruise didn't like your ideas, so I can't trust you. Neither does the United States of America since you're trying to destroy the concept of nationalism and the American economy."
"Grimms stopped hunting Cryptids. Cryptid crimes lessened. Racial injustice lessened. Poverty, world hunger, corruption, territorial disputes, religious disputes... every known problem was solved."
"You made more problems, JoJo-..."
"These problems are what I'm trying to fix now, Dark. We can do it. I believe that we can be better."
Note: Cryptids are creatures introduced from my other book. They are humans that can transform into monstrous animal-like humanoids. Grimms, meanwhile, are those with abilities that allow them to police the Cryptids, created by God.
"Okay... what's in it for us so we'd join your little task force?" asked Dark.
"Uh... New lives in Maharlica?"
"HAHAHAHA!!!" laughed the pair.
"We have no lives!" laughed Hercules.
"You have to be smarter than that, JoJo."
"I did solve the drug problem by legalizing drugs but upping the legal age for drugs," said Miguel.
"Where do we sign?" asked Dark, looking all serious.
"Get a load of this guy!" laughed Hercules, pointing to Dark and looking at Miguel.
"He's on my side, Carl Hees," said Miguel. "So... yeah... I got the load."
"BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" laughed Dark. "HE FUCKIN' SAID IT!!! HE FUCKING... AHAHAHAHA!!!"
The pair laugh hysterically.
"I don't know why we're laughing..." laughed Hercules,
"You get an infinite supply of nuggets," said Dark, pointing to Hercules.
"I'm in," replied Hercules.
"Alright, Teenage Frankenstein!" yelled Dark, wearing a black ragdoll mask, black bowler hat, black trench coat, red polo, black tie, black pants, and black shoes as he warped his katana out. "Where the hell is the microphone that I let you borrow?"
Dark enters an abandoned apartment complex as the sun shines from outside.
"I am Teenage Frankenstein..." said a "human." Its body is just made of multiple body parts sewn together. Its body reeks of rotten flesh. Also, its flesh and bones hang out from its wounds. "I am born as the love child of the destroyer god known as Praed Shivus, and the nightmare that is the human race-..."
Dark dropkicks the Destroyer Demigod. "UWATA!!! INTERRUPTING DROpKICK!!!"
Teenage Frankenstein drops to the ground and tumbles backward.
"I can manipulate all logic, Stefanio," it squints its eyes, rising from the ground. "You be careful with your next words..."
"Bitch, shut the fuck up. You think you're a god? Well, guess what, asshole. I live with one. Gods aren't too shabby if you ask me, asshole," Dark said, squinting his eyes and pointing at the creature. "You assholes are no different than those jackasses from the Middle East... or the YouTube comment section when they talk about sensitive topics like Marcos or Flat Earth."
"Marcos was a Dictator..." he whispered.
"He was a Goddamned genius, I tell you! Right, Mr. JoJo?" asked Dark.
"I'm legally not allowed to tell my opinion on him. No, wait... I rule five worlds. Uh... Marcos was alright, I guess?" asked Miguel to himself, who is in-call.
"Come on! Capitalism rules, right!?" asked Dark.
"First of all, Marcos was a communist, and that's why people say that he's a tyrant, also because of the countless torture dungeons and possible murders. Also kleptocracy. But, I do commend his genius in rising to power," said Miguel. "I mean, the way he did it couldn't compare to mine-..."
"Didn't you win because you were the only candidate available?" asked Dark.
"I'm the only one crazy enough to do this!" yelled Miguel. "And the other Presidents kept arguing nationalism on the phones with me."
"You encouraged them to run against you!?" asked Dark.
Teenage Frankenstein looks left and right then runs away.
"What the hell, Mr. JoJo!" yelled Dark. "ALSO, COME BACK HERE, YOU BAG OF ROTTEN FLESH!!!"
"FUCK OFF!!!" yelled Teenage Frankenstein.
"MINECRAFT'S ROTTEN FLESH IS MORE EDIBLE THAN YOURS, ASSHOLE!!!" yelled Dark.
*poof*
"Huh!?" asked Dark, as he warped his katana out.
"What's wrong?" asked Miguel.
"Someone's here," said Dark, as he squints his eyes.
A man with a kabuki mask teleports in front of Dark in the shadows. He has a pair of long katanas. Dark prepares a chudan-no-kamae stance.
Dark gasps.
"Dream?" asked Dark.
They blast their sword at him at full speed as Dark blocks the attack.
"I've been trained by Filipino Samurais, asshole," said Dark.
"You were raised by a Japanese communist agency masking themselves as a legal Filipino government agency that I destroyed, asshole," replied Miguel.
"I thought FBI was Capitalist," said Dark.
"It was funded by your father, asshole," said Miguel.
"*GASP...* I hated my father," said Dark.
They blast their sword at Dark once more. He blocks it.
"I really don't appreciate this aggression," said Dark. "I got ketamine," he whispered.
The ninja swings their sword around toward Dark, who blocks their katana left and right, going on the defensive.
Left, right, upper-left, down, spin and kick, spin and slash, tumble and lunge, this ninja equal Dark in speed. Dark blocks another slash. Dark growls and runs on the wall as he spins midair and slashed toward the Ninja's head. The Ninja blocks the attack and kicks Dark away. Dark backflips backward and slides away. He then swiftly charges and slashes his sword toward the ninja and flips forward, spinning, and landing behind the ninja. The Ninja followed his movement perfectly.
John gets annoyed and growls.
"Who the hell are you, asshole?" asked Dark. "And don't you start singing 'Mask!' I swear to God!"
They disappear in front of Dark.
Dark slowly backs away.
They appear behind him and slowly bring out their katana, about to stab him in the back.
He spins and blasts his sword at them, as a small explosion occurred and pushed them out from the window and broke their katana.
He runs and looks down, seeing that no one fell. There was no indication of the ninja breaking any windows below to reenter the building.
"What!?" asked Dark. "There are no fire exits nearby..." he said to Miguel. "How did she-?"
"HYA!!!" the ninja said in a feminine voice, as Dark spins to the left and slashes his sword toward her torso. She disappears.
"So... You're a girl," said Dark, as he does some shoulder stretches and quadriceps stretches.
"John. She's a Japanese girl named Yuki Yamagishi. Calls herself Billy Jean. She's a world-class assassin," said Miguel. "Be careful. Her Stand is the mask and it allows her to teleport."
Dark smiles as he sliced the air, as a portal of some sort is created. He enters it.
She drops to the ground and speaks to her employer.
"I lost him."
*POW*
He kicks her from behind an aerial cartwheel then slams his heel on her shoulder, dislocating it.
She growls in pain as she backs away and slams her shoulder on the wall.
She tosses a knife at Dark, who does an aerial spin and dodges the knife.
She throws shurikens as Dark dodges all of them, spinning as he warps his sword out and lunges the sword a few inches next to her face.
She gasps for breath in relief that she isn't dead.
"Stand down, Yuki Yamagishi," he said. "I, son of Bernardo Salvi and Samantha Stefanio-Hirose, ask you to stand down."
"Pretty arrogant to reveal that you're Salvi's son," she sneered.
He sighs. "I'm half a Spaniard, quarter Japanese, quarter a Filipino, and a whole lot of sexy. Stand down, and I may offer you my body as a reward."
She takes out a sai and teleports in front of Dark.
Dark realizes something. "She's using shadows."
"What!?" asked Miguel.
Dark grabs her and decides to jump out the window.
"FUCK!!!" she yelled. "YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE!!!"
He slices a portal in front of them.
He teleports on top of the building.
"Okay," smiled Dark. "This building is just all sun. You can't teleport if you're not near a shadow, right? It's high-noon right now... which is pretty damned convenient-..."
She teleports underneath him.
"Oh, fuck-..."
*CRACK*
She punched him in the balls.
Dark gasps.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!!!"
"Fuck!" yelled Miguel, as he dropped the headphones on the table.
Dark drops to the ground, unconscious.
"I got him," she smiled.
"ORA!!!"
*POW*
Kariel JoJo, brother of Miguel JoJo, used his Stand, All-Star ACT 3, to punch her in the face, knocking her out.
"I got her, Kuya," smiled Kariel.
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