บท 1: Chapter 1: Cruelty
Throughout my entire life, it felt like nothing had ever come easy for a guy like me. In my bed, on the toilet, during school, walking home. I always wondered how much different my life would've been If I had this or that. I was just born to be run-of-the-mill, the average riffraff.
I hate everything about myself.
The way I talk, the way I walk, the way I smile, the way my ears flutter every time I'm complimented most slightly, the way my teeth feel, the way I snore in my sleep, the way I walk down the stairs. I could go on and on about me, but what is me? Who I am? Kenny Sykes, but for what reason do I dislike this name? I don't feel like that's me, It doesn't represent what type of person I am.
"Nothing ever comes easy," they say. Or, "It'll get better!" but it never truly gets better, It just comes and goes like ocean waves, or spring and winter. I hate spring, and I hate winter. Spring is never safe and the pollen constantly has me sneezing, why do I have every flaw known to man? Winter is even worse for a guy like me. I constantly get common colds and can bear to stand outside for longer than a couple of minutes.
Life is full of ups and downs, but it seems like mine is only full of downs. Rock bottom is never the lowest for me, I haven't seen the lowest, because I'm still falling. But, hey...It'll get better.
Everything I've thought of up until now or said up until now may be a bit cringy or edgy huh? I know, sorry. Why am I apologizing? I don't know, it's just something guys like me do, I'm like prey to a predator, always begging and pleading, and because I'm weak my first thought is to apologize, even when I've done nothing wrong.
Loneliness. To me, It's a great wall, an incurable disease. It's that bump you can't scratch, that leaf you can't crunch, that tooth that aches, It's always there, always bothering me, Loneliness is my only friend I fear.
"What the hell am I thinking?"
'I'm so cringy...'
'I'm always talking to myself...'
"Hey! Can I borrow some money? I wanna hit up the store during lunch. think you can do that for me?"
A group of students surrounded my desk, I looked down at my near-empty wallet with just 5 bucks inside of it. I look at him, he notices the five bucks and just sneers. His hand reaches for my right shoulder and he just tightens his grip. I jump in pain and screech as he keeps squeezing tighter.
"O-Okay! Okay! Y-You can have it!"
I quickly hand over the 5 bucks.
"Good, but don't worry, I'll pay it back one day. Because we're friends aren't we?"
"Y-Yeah..."
'Friends, my ass. You constantly bully me and nonchalantly force me to give you MY money. All you do is talk and nag at me, complaining when I do something wrong and can't meet your expectations. Not to mention your little ragtag gang standing behind him just adding on to everything he says.'
'I wish I had the guts to say it to his face, I should remain quiet and accept it. That's what prey do, that's all I am anyway....'
Bullying is nothing new to me, It's been going on for years, but it didn't become truly bad until high school. I had a couple of friends, but as we entered high school we separated and they became a part of the kids who constantly bullied me.
My worst experience with bullying? Probably the week I confessed to my crush, I was a fool to believe a guy like me could get a beautiful and popular girl like her? what was I thinking? it makes me mad just thinking about it.
It was my 3rd year of high school, the end of the year was closing in and I just wanted to do something worth remembering. I spent an entire week mustering up the courage to ask out my crush. I had been liking her for 2 years, she was pretty, kind, and wasn't scared to speak what was on her mind. The day finally arose, and that day in front of the school, I asked her out.
The look on my face went from confident and smiling to crushed and frowning. She laughed in my face, it wasn't a normal chuckle but a long and hysterical laugh, every ha-ha that came from her lips, she meant every one of them. She finally stopped laughing and just looked me in my eyes, and with an extreme look of disgust and disdain, she told me, "Why would I like someone like you? wait, did you think because I talked to you a bit that I liked you? Have you ever seen yourself?"
She never talked to me again. I soon became an extreme introvert, people avoided me, she spread rumors, they spread rumors, and my social life was dead and gone.
Just 2 days later, I saw her with the same people that repeatedly bullied me. A pretty handsome guy, popular with the women and students of the school. He was 100x better than me, no doubt. But he was an extremely egotistical and narcissistic person, he bragged on and on about himself, and just hit, shoved, and extorted other students for his own benefit and because he felt like he was better than others.
I was enraged, hatred swirled inside me. I thought she was different, why would she hang out with people like that? How could she? My heart was shattered, I didn't think I could ever like another woman again, but after a long time, I got over it.
Cruelty. Unfairness. Arbitrary. Immoral. Biased.
These are the words that floated in my mind after all of that, why was this happening to me? was I being tested? played with? what did I do to deserve this? People pick and choose what they want and whose side they want to be on.
When you're like this, they say, "You're no good, why aren't you like this?" and when you're like that, they say, "Oh...well, you're no good, you could've been like this." It angered me, it angered me a lot.
I was bullied every single day, Elle, my ex-crush even joined in on it, sometimes insulting me and rubbing salt in the wound about how she rejected me. The people in the background just laughed and watched. The people who knew how bad it was just observed, hoping they wouldn't be next.
I've never wronged anyone, I didn't deserve this. Why is life so cruel? why are people so mean? I felt like getting into a ball and just crying. I wanted to leave this world so bad, and as the night rolled around I found myself with a knife pointed directly at my stomach.
I couldn't do it, my mind just raced and raced, 'What if it hurt?' or 'Would anybody miss me?'
I backed out and failed to kill myself, I went to school the next day and the ridicule started once more. My parents act as if they understand me but they don't, when I told them about the bullying they just brushed it off, "You're overreacting, it's how kids play, just loosen up son." They said.
I was done. I felt like everything and everybody was against me. Why was I born so average? why couldn't I be smart and handsome like the others? why couldn't I be taller? why couldn't I be stronger? more athletic?
Nothing inside me could forgive them. I didn't care how long it took, I was going to make them pay.
But, that day was going to come sooner than I thought.
'What is this?.....'
[You have been chosen.]
[Your rage runs deep and your eyes are seething with anger.]
[The system has chosen you, it has given you another chance. A chance to be strong, athletic, handsome, whatever you choose.]
[Do you accept?]
'I don't understand?....what, what is all this?'
I remember some old novels I read, those also had something like this. I also remember the systems being quite OP and able to help the person get stronger, could this be my chance? Has the universe finally rewarded me for my suffering? my pain?
Without any hesitation, I press yes.
[Excellent choice.]
[Welcome to 'Unrivaled Leveling System']
"...."
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