บท 3: Chapter 3: The Monster You Are
"...Are certain?"
"I don't know... My mind feels hazy, and I... I'm sorry, I can't remember much..."
A moment of silence descended upon them, the woman looking at him with her usual detached gaze, while he, on the other hand, hoped that his crude attempt at lying could work.
That silence continued for a bit before being eventually broken by her, her words remaining the same consistent flatness.
"Then can you tell me what you can remember then? Your position, background, or even a name? Anything at all."
He paused, put on act as if recollecting, then spoke timidly.
"I don't know... Everything feels like it's hidden behind a blur, as if I just woke up from a long sleep. There's some vague things up there... but..."
He then grimaced, showcasing that he was having trouble chasing after those escaping memories. He was a good actor, relatively speaking, and he can put up quite a front— he just hoped that she would buy it.
After a while, he shook his head with a look of resignation.
"Nothing..."
"...I see. That is unfortunate."
She only nodded her head, believing his words— as if she already knew that he wasn't lying through his teeth.
However, as strange as it was, he couldn't help but feel that it was the case. He didn't know why, but he could tell that, behind that detached expression, an analytical mind was observing him keenly— that, for some reason, believed his lie.
However...
Sensing that foreboding mind observing each movement he made, he felt nervous. He knew it deep in his bones— she was a formidable person, one whose mere deductions made him nervous.
'I need to build some form of trust...'
He held himself back as much as possible, maintaining his weak façade. But he knew that, at some point, she'd be able to figure out everything. As such, it was better to show that he was willing to compromise, at least.
Reluctantly, he spoke.
"Actually... I seem to be remembering something..."
"What is it?"
"My... name."
He was aware that this was a completely different environment. One moment he was running through a dark, lightless forest, then the next time he woke up he was here, somewhere unknown. Something had certainly happened to him.
An alien abduction? Or perhaps transmigration from those stories he had read? Be it as it may, he knew he was no longer on Earth— given the surrounding tools and equipment, as well as the scifi terms described by the woman beside him.
Besides his name, he has nothing else that he could use that could prove his honesty.
The woman looked at him, her eyes seemingly piercing through his thoughts, and spoke.
"Your name... Yes, that could indeed help. What is it?"
He paused for a moment, then, with an orotund tone, he told her his name.
"...Merris. My name is Merris."
"Merris..."
"...is there something wrong with it?"
Although he asked that question, he knew the answer too well. After all, it had always been like that when he was introducing his name.
Unusual, strange, or even weird... He had heard them all. His name, which was a rather unique name and not the common, had always been a conversation starter for him. In some cases, it was even what made him stand out in the crowd.
He didn't even know why his own parents have given him that name; but one thing's for sure is that he had been using it for as long as he could remember.
As such, he didn't find it weird that the woman in front of him also found it weird. He wasn't hurt, per se, he's just already numbed to it due to how much it was brought up.
'I wonder if she'd say something the others haven't said yet...'
He conjured a self-deprecating smile as he lampooned himself.
However, contrary to his expectations, the woman didn't ridicule him. Instead, she shook her head and replied with a casual tone, different from her consistent flat tone until now.
"No, not at all, there is nothing wrong with your name. A name holds value to everyone and is thus special, for it not only bears the medium to converse with one another, but also to preserve the memory of who bears it."
She lingered before continuing.
"A name holds power. It preserves memory, binds existence. Ridiculing a name is to dismiss a life. And life, even in fragments, is precious."
...he might be overthinking it too much, but he thought she might have perhaps sensed the intent behind his question.
No, that would be stretching it too far.
Still, behind that languid calm surface of her expression, he could feel it— somewhere in those words she uttered, a hidden meaning and emotion mixed in.
She, too, bears secrets.
Staring at her, Merris paused for a moment as he was caught off guard by her monologue.
"That... is indeed true."
It was strange. That was the first time someone said something to him that was... genuine. It felt different from the constant façade he had to put up and confront in his every day life... that it felt unreal.
However, her words still lingered in his mind, resonating with his being as if providing a warm light to a lightless room.
It was... a curious feeling, to say the least.
Standing up, the woman picked up her white overcoat and hung it on her shoulder. Looking at him, she spoke.
"Rest well for the time being. Once you're feeling better, we can continue our talk."
"Alright... Thank you."
"And..."
The woman, who was just about to talk out of the automatic metallic door, paused before looking back at him, her eyes still seemingly piercing through his intentions.
"Acheron."
"Huh?"
"Acheron is what others call me, and is thus my name. I am a... drifter, meaning I roam the cosmos."
With those words, without adding more, the metallic doors parted open and she walked out, leaving behind Merris alone in the clinic.
He might be imagining things, but he felt like she, too, was reluctant to give her name.
---
Merris, still staring at the airtight automatic metallic door, however, was stuck in a trance as her last words reverberated inside his head.
"Acheron... Where have I heard of that name before...?"
He could feel it. He knew that name, or at least heard of it somewhere before. But each time he tried to recollect memories relating to it... It's as if more memories are blotting it, hiding it in the deep recess of his mind.
'It's there... Come on, think harder... I must have known her somewhere before...'
As he tried to rack his brains searching for an answer, an uncomfortable blunt pain began to coagulate in his head, attempting to inflict pain on him once more.
However, as if responding to the looming threat, a rejuvenating feeling washed over him and quickly annihilated those rising afflictions.
For some unknown reason, the words Acheron spoke earlier lingered in his mind, protecting him from the searing pain hidden in his mind— just as she had proclaimed.
Through this unexpected boon, Merris dug deeper. His face grimaced as cold beads of sweat began to form on his forehead. However, this did not discourage him one bit and only made him more motivated to uncover the secrets hidden in his mind.
Along the way, he couldn't help but form a thought.
'This is odd... Why can't I focus on that memory? It's as if it's at the bottom of a sea... while an ocean of unwanted memories is keeping it out of my reach...'
As strenuous as it was mentally, Merris never conceded. It was his memory, so why can't he claim it? It's his... and his alone.
Fueled by this relentless drive, Merris once more focused all of his senses to retrieve that memory.
Along the way, flashes of memories alien to him collided with him and attacked his mind, but, once more, Acheron's words protected him.
'This is...'
As he dug deeper, the foreign and strange memories blotting out his true memories began to reveal themselves.
'How is that... possible...'
Those series of frenzied memories, emanating a sense of primal and savagery, slowly integrated themselves back to him.
If it wasn't for Acheron's protection, he felt like those memories might eaten away his sanity.
Bit by bit, as he slowly made his way to the memory he originally wanted to claim, the berserk memories around him started to organize, gradually... forcing him to remember.
Those memories— which contained what he, who was in the form of a strange creature that rampaged throughout a spaceship— once more made themselves known.
Flashes of carnage. A darkened corridor lit by strobing red lights. Screams muffled by the wet sound of flesh tearing. Those vivid memories... returned to him one by one.
And, slowly, Merris became enlightened to the events that had transpired prior to Acheron's rescue.
'So... that was it...'
Finally, in the near inches away from reclaiming the memory he had regarding Acheron, one memory from those frenzied memories came back to him.
In that memory, he, who had become an abominable grotesque creature after devouring enough biomass, formed an exuvia.
And, from that shell, emerged a form different from what he had been wearing. Different from the slimy and dreadful tentacles... the form that crawled out from that shell was...
'Me.'
With those last bits of memories integrating themselves back to him, he touched upon the original memory he wanted.
Instantly, torrents of information swelled in his mind. Some dangerous ones tried to inflict pain upon his mind again, but the words uttered by Acheron stopped them from doing so.
Slowly, one by one, those memories— be they harrowing or mundane— returned to their rightful owner.
As the memories settled back in his mind, Merris let out a soft sigh. Then, opening his eyes, he looked at his hand.
"Acheron..."
He uttered that name while observing his arm.
"The Emanator of Nihility... Is it?"
Finally, the memories he had lost returned, and along with them were the memories of how he knew of the name Acheron.
The memories of him playing a game in the past, and the stories that unfolded within... They were distant and vague, but he could faintly remember them.
Perhaps, without the guidance of Acheron's words which seemed to contain the power to suppress those dangerous memories, Merris might not have been able to remember all of it.
But now, he does. He now remembers why the name Acheron sounded so familiar, as well as the scifi terms she uttered.
And... He now, too, remembers the memories he had prior to her rescue...
"How vile..."
Still staring at his arm, Merris took a moment before sending a mental command.
Then, responding to his control, his right arm distorted and split apart. His muscles, tendons, bones, veins, and even blood— all of them moved in a controlled manner and none of his blood fell on to the white sheets.
What was even more curious was that he felt no pain from this. His body was separating in a gory manner— yet he felt nothing. It felt... natural.
Soon, in less than a moment, his lower right arm transformed to a grotesque form.
There, replacing his right arm, a crimson-red maw with lined jagged teeth, squirmed. Around it, whip-like meat tendrils squirmed around, as if finding something to hold on to and feed the mouth it was attached to.
Looking at his arm, he smiled wryly.
"It's odd... I just lost my humanity... Yet why do I feel no remorse or sadness?
A self-deprecating laugh escaped from his lips, his abyssal black eyes becoming deeper. Tinged with it, however, was a curious tone.
"...I've really become a monster."
Looking at his deformed hand which, according to his memories, devoured countless humans in a single spaceship, Merris felt no sense of guilt nor remorse. More than anything, a feeling that had always persisted in his mind lingered, a feeling he had always known...
"Is this who I've always been, or has the monster carved out what was left of me? No, I've felt this emptiness before— long before this."
Apathy.
He felt nothing at all. No, it was better to describe it as him accepting it. It had already happened... so why make a fuss?
Still, it weighed his mind a bit.
"Be it as it may... I have to accept this reality now."
He muttered to himself in a low voice. Then, willing his arm to revert back, he watched as the gross maw and tendrils moved swiftly back in position.
Soon, his arm returned to normal— no different from any other human.
After doing this, he let out a small sigh and looked out the window, into the deep dark cosmos outside.
He was now in a story of a game, living as a carnivorous alien creature. As bizarre, harrowing, and terrifying it was, he has no choice but to accept it all.
His eyes softened as he murmured to himself in that quiet clinic.
"With this Metamorphosis, I am..."
"No Longer Human."
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