บท 20: Chapter 20: "And when I hurt, hurting runs off my shoulders."
"You see, the thing about jazz is that it's non-conformist, dangerous, it breaks all conventions..."
"Ugh, Science teachers and people who only exclusively buy ciabatta bread. That's who jazz is for isn't it?"
"You hate jazz?"
"I hate jazz."
"No no no, you don't hate jazz. You fear it's lack of rules."
Circe and Remus talked animatedly over a cup of coffee in the staff room. She had taken to a hammock today, lying recumbent in its boughs as Lupin was settled into a sturdy leather armchair at her side. A natural, strong amiability had sprung up between them in the few weeks since term had started. Walking one day to her classrooms, Circe had heard the distant notes of a fast-paced, frantic trumpet solo and had wandered into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom to find Remus bent over his record player. What had started off as a mutual admiration of Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald had quickly blossomed into frequent, often hot debates over their mutual music love. Remus was a quiet, gentle soul but he came alive when he talked about music. It was a refuge in which he found complete joy, and the sadness that tinted his eyes faded for the briefest of moments when he spoke with her about it. Circe recognized the mirror of herself in him. She already considered him to be a firm friend, and he likewise. He also enjoyed winding her up, just a tad...
"When you are a jazz lover, you're an entrepreneur. An explorer of the new and weird."
Circe scoffed and laughed at him, pretending to go back to the book she'd placed on her chest.
"That's what they call me. Remus Lupin, colon, Explorer." He waved his hand dramatically in the air, punctuating his jokingly given epithet.
"Colon Explorer?" Circe asked with a cheeky raise of her brow.
"You know what I mean." Remus replied, barely able to suppress a chuckle.
"Nah I think that name's got the wrong 'ring' to it."
They both laughed, Remus having to wipe his eyes with a sleeve of his cardigan.
It had been a difficult year already. Circe's car had been towed off the road by the muggle police before she'd had the opportunity to send word to a recovery breakdown service. The Ministry had been forced to send a few Aurors to cast a few memory charms on the Fort William constabulary, all to avoid Circe being questioned for the dangerous condition it was in. Especially as her license was still registered to Warwickshire, when she'd first got it at eighteen years old. To add on top of the car parlarver, Dementors circled the skies above Hogwarts around the clock, casting a pervasive gloom over the castle like literal black clouds. Everyone, even the staff, felt inexplicably miserable most of the time. Students shuffled about the corridors aimlessly when they'd been too long outside and away from Dumbledore's protective spells, and the work of the teachers seemed to feel more arduous and repetitive than it had been in previous years. Had it not been for Lupin's never exhausted supply of chocolate (which he kept in an old shortbread tin in his office) and his good company, Circe too would have been feeling dismal. Everyone needed a pick-me-up.
"Did Severus give you what you were after?" Lupin asked, taking her empty coffee mug to wash it up for her.
"Yes he did." Circe said with her best nonchalant voice, yet her steeliness towards Snape seeped through nonetheless and Lupin lingered a moment.
He stared at her face as she pretended to read her book, and when she offered him no more he sighed and turned from her.
"You know, you really mustn't let that night with the Dementors change the way you-"
"It's fine, Remus. We're fine. Honestly."
Remus could tell she was lying to him. Circe had been given a few lessons on her timetable in the Potions Department, as a way of "thank you" from Dumbledore for her efforts last year. But Circe rather wished he hadn't. Since that night she'd crashed her car, and Severus had left her to the Dementors, things had been as frosty as a Christmas morning in Svalbard between them. She'd felt, quite rightly, abandoned by him. Left in the lurch by his inaction. Their adventures in the past years had placed them both in the line of fire for one another and Circe had been surprised that Severus had apparently left her to wallow in misery before his eyes. She couldn't help but think that she'd have done it for him…
Fuck it, I'd have fought off fifty Dementors for him. She thought bitterly.
Remus was referring to their CD player. The one that they had squirreled away in the potions storage room, to listen to music together. She'd broken her general rule of only speaking to Severus when absolutely necessary to ask him if it was alright if she took it for her "project". He'd looked at her with a lingering expression of hurt. It was their CD player…
The thing they did together…
And now she wanted to take it away…
He knew that she was disappointed in him after that night. She'd been civil, polite, well-mannered but not her usual self around him. No matter how hard he tried, he could not cut out the image of her rain soaked, tear-stained face looking at him with disenchantment.
"You didn't come to help me Severus?"
By God, he wished he had. If it had truly been a choice of Remus knowing of his lingering love for Lily or losing Circe's respect and affections, then he should have chosen the former. The thought of Lupin knowing still filled him with cold dread, but the past was gone, no matter how much it still hurt him. Circe was his present, his now. She didn't deserve to suffer because of a woman who no longer walked this earth. Fear and regret, always fear and regret, he thought solemnly, night after night as he lay restless and sleepless in his bed. The two emotions that governed his life. The realization that he had come to had probably come too late. Circe would probably never look at him the same way ever again… And just to rub salt into the wound, he'd had to watch her grow closer to Remus as the weeks had marched on.
Fear, regret and jealousy. Can't leave out jealousy.
He had left the CD player on her desk in her classroom. He couldn't bear another cold rejection. Another curt "Thank you." and not so much of a second glance his way. As he'd unclenched his hand from the player's handle, he'd turned to leave and seen Remus standing at the classroom's threshold. He couldn't have seen a worse person in that moment, and bright hot envy and resentment soaked through every ounce of his flesh. It worried him to think how exhaustively jealous he felt whenever he even saw Circe near Lupin. And here he was: at his back, when he longed for the presence of her and her alone. He'd barged past Lupin, a feral snarl on his face, to withdraw to his dungeons like some loathsome little bat.
"Well, that's not the impression I got from Severus earlier today." Remus said gently to Circe, recalling his literal run-in with Severus earlier that day. "I'm not much of a confrontational person, but perhaps you should have a word with him…"
"And say what?"
"Oh I don't know. Tell him to come to your thing."
"He wouldn't." Circe said simply, swinging her legs off the hammock. "Actually enjoying things isn't really his style."
Remus went quiet, partially agreeing with Circe's summation of Severus.
"Well, maybe he wouldn't enjoy the stuff that you've got planned. Perhaps he'd prefer something a bit edgier from my collection…" Lupin said with a taunting grin.
"You? Edgy? You're about as edgy as a satsuma."
-----
Circe had garnered a better turnout than she'd originally anticipated. Quite a few students had turned up to her little experiment. The twins Fred and George, Harry and his little cohort of Gryffindor followers, a few of the older Hufflepuff's including Cedric Diggory and his friends, one or two skulking Slytherins amassed in the corner and a choice selection of Circe's Ravenclaw Quidditch team.
Forty four...she surmised in her head. And just as I predicted, The Head of Slytherin House isn't here either.
They were a lively bunch, all a-chatter as they waited in Circe's classroom for her to start her endeavour. Fred and George tossed a fizzing whiz-bang in the air between them. Harry watched the spectacle with joy, the bright light of the spark illuminating his face. It suddenly struck Circe how much the boy had grown up over the summer, his previously childish features morphing into something much stronger and more defined.
"He's growing into his face now, isn't he?" Circe grabbed Lupin and gestured to Potter.
"Isn't he rather. Looks like his Dad." Lupin replied to her, that tinge of sadness descending over his eyes like a glaze.
She had regarded Potter and his friends as something of a nuisance in the years gone by. Not fully fledged people, but kids that just got in her way or purposefully put themselves in danger. Granger, out of the three of them, was the one she liked the most given how much of herself she saw in the girl and she surprisingly wasn't here. But as she walked over to the Gryffindors, she resolved to get to know the man The Boy Who Lived was becoming better.
"Afternoon, Gryffindors!" She said brightly to the red-clad students.
"Hullo, Professor." Ron and a few other students replied weakly. Harry smiled at her.
"You ready to go up against the Ravenclaw Quidditch team this term, Potter?" She asked with a challenging smile.
Her team responded with a "wheyyy!" at the other end of the room and shouted their own challenges over to the Gryffindors.
"Raring to go, Professor." Harry replied with a bright smile. "If the Ravenclaw Team have learnt how to catch a ball yet..."
"Or stay on their brooms." Fred chipped in.
"Oof you cheeky buggers." Circe said jovially, ruffling Harry's hair.
"So, what's all this about Professor?" Harry asked curiously. "All Professor Mcgonagall told us is that you had something special planned for us."
"Ah, well I'm glad you asked."
Circe turned to the rest of the room. All of them had fallen quiet, eager to listen.
"Hands up if you've felt a bit down and despondent recently."
Every hand in the room shot up.
"Yeah, me too." Circe said, locking eyes with Harry for the briefest of seconds.
She'd heard about the attack on the train from Lupin and a wordless understanding passed between them, being the only two people in the room who had been on the other end of a Dementor attack. She wondered what the young boy thought of when that pressing sadness had descended upon him. Her heart ached to think that one so young as Harry could have had so much sorrow to call upon.
"Professor…" a voice asked from the back of the gathered crowd of Gryffindors.
Circe craned her head and saw Hermione.
She'd definitely not been there before…
"Yes, Miss Granger?"
"What exactly are… Dementors?"
"They are amongst the foulest creatures that walk this earth, Miss Granger." Lupin chimed in. "They infest the darkest, filthiest places, like a fungus. They glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope and happiness out of everybody and everything around them."
"But what does it feel like to be… attacked by one?" She asked.
"Hermione-" Harry moaned, trying to silence her.
Circe had seen some of the teasing that Potter had withstood after his fainting spell on the train. No doubt, Hermione was trying to get across to her fellow students just how horrible an experience it was and therefore lighten Harry's teasing, but Potter was bright red and truly embarrassed. Malfoy elbowed one of his cronies in the ribs and giggled spitefully.
"I was attacked by a Dementor on my walk up to the castle." Circe butt in swiftly, drawing the attention from Harry. "It's like… Every good feeling, every happy memory you've ever had is sucked out of you. Like nothing will ever make you happy again. You don't want to get up, you don't want to move, you don't want to exist particularly. I suppose that's why they're guardians of a prison. It just makes you feel like existing is hard work enough."
Unbeknownst to Circe, Snape listened to the gathering at the door, hidden from view. He dared not go in, but his curiosity had gotten the better of him nonetheless. He wanted to find out what Circe was up to with their CD player. Yet his heart ached as he heard Circe's summation of her night in the rain.You left her to that. He thought, punishing himself.
"So why had Dumbledore got them hovering over the castle all day every day?" Seamus Finnegan asked with irritation in his voice.
"Well there is a mass murderer on the loose. And the protective spells keep us safe-"
"So why is it I feel miserable a lot of the time? Aren't there other protections on the castle apart from having those things hanging over our heads?" He asked again.
Circe frowned in sympathy. Yes, the protective barriers were there to keep the Dementors away and for most people, it kept them chipper enough. But Circe had noticed how much more irritable people tended to be, how quick to anger or morose many staff and students were. The protective barriers varied wildly in how effective they were from person to person.
"Well, that's why I'm here." Circe said, walking over to her CD player. "I suppose many of you in here have memories of things that you'd rather forget… but I wanted to share with you all the thing that saved me from my darkest moments. The thing that keeps my soul full and contented, even when I'm suffering. With maybe a mind that it could help you too in this strange time."
"What, Professor?" Harry asked her, his attention rapt.
"Music."
Somewhere at the back of the room, Draco Malfoy scoffed. "Muggle music." He sneered.
"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words, and that which cannot remain silent. Victor Hugo said that." She said, fixing the blonde haired boy with a fierce look. "If that isn't some form of sorcery, then I don't know what is."
"So this is what? A muggle music appreciation club?" Cedric Diggory asked with a cynical brow.
"I suppose, yes."
Diggory smirked and nodded to his friend at his side.
Well at least one person's vaguely interested, Circe thought to herself.
"Will it help?" Seamus asked her again.
Circe paused, looking into his young face. Perhaps he was feeling the effects of the Dementors the most out of his peers.
"I… can't always guarantee that it will. Sometimes it'll make you feel worse for a while."
"Oh how ridiculous. Knew the specky four eyes would peddle some muggle claptrap at us." Malfoy said with a vicious spike to Crabbe and Goyle.
"Mr Malfoy that is incredibly disrespectful to your Professor. Ten points from Slytherin!" Lupin shouted at him.
Circe tried not to let the child's comment get to her, but it still stung. No doubt Malfoy Senior had told him to undermine Circe at every given opportunity after their spiky conversation last year. Draco gathered his cronies and went storming from the room. Snape had to hide himself from them as they approached, ducking round the door out of their sight.
"But you come out the other end the better for it, right Professor?" Harry offered, casting an eye back to the CD player.
"Right. I said this to a… friend once, Potter." Circe said as she picked up a CD. "Music is magic and magic is life."
Severus clutched at his chest, her words hitting him like a brick.
"Cheesy." George muttered to his twin.
"Prime cheddar." Fred agreed.
"Well, tell us what you have for us then Professor." Diggory asked eagerly.
As he stepped forward, his Hufflepuff friends followed, their interest peaked.
"Uhh.. right." Circe muttered as she shuffled through a few cases, eyeing up the track lists on the back. What to start with? She hadn't thought that far ahead… "Rem- um, Professor Lupin, what do I start with?" She looked up at him expectantly, a small flash of panic in her eyes.
"How about… something that you have a good, happy memory connected with?" he said with kind eyes.
Circe thought for a while, and looked at the collection in front of her. A flash of inspiration hit as her hand settled on an old case.
"Right. Picture this, kiddies. It's nineteen eighty eight, Professor Smith is fresh out of University. The tender age of twenty one… or maybe I was twenty two. Anyway, I had next to no money but what I did have I saved for a trip I'd planned that summer with my… now ex boyfriend. I even did a few ghost tours for tourists in Edinburgh's underground city in the summer, dressed up as Mary Queen of Scots. So, when I'd scrimped and saved my way to a plane ticket and the cheapest motel we could afford, we were on our way to New York! First time over the pond! Stateside, baby! New York, New York! But my ex wanted to see a baseball game. Big fan of the Boston Red Sox he was, and they're playing the Yankees on our first night there. Now, I'm tired, jet lagged, and not particularly into sports. I've never even been to a football match before. But I agree, and spend what little money I had on a ticket. So we're sitting in the stands, with the customary ridiculously sized foam finger and a literal bucket of popcorn. There must be fifty thousand people around us. At least. I'm dozing off, almost falling asleep in my coke. And then the anthem for the Red Sox comes over the stadium…"
Circe closed the CD player and turned up the volume. Everybody listened, taken in by Circe's story. As the music started, very few seemed to recognize it.
"Ahh! Cracker of a song!" Remus said, beaming from ear to ear.
"Where it began, I can't begin to knowing.
But then I know it's growing strong"
"I used to listen to this one in the Gryffindor common room with your Mum and Dad and… other people." Remus said to Harry.
"Was in the spring. And spring became the summer.
Who'd have believed you'd come along."
"Wait, I think I know this. Me mam had it at her weddin' to my step-dad." Seamus said to Ron, sat at his side, as a glimmer of recognition passed over his face.
"Hands, touching hands…"
"Fifty thousand people singing this together in that stadium. Red Sox and Yankee supporters alike..."
"Reaching out, touching me.
Touching you."
In a moment of pure independent and spontaneous joy, Cedric and Seamus, the tune now known to them, jumped into the center of the room, dragging a few of their cohort with them. They shouted the chorus loudly, bouncing on their feet together, both of their faces lined with a broad smile.
"Sweet Caroline, BAH BAH BAHH!
Good times never seemed so good"
Fred and George followed, never ones to be left out when making loud noises was permitted. Then after them, Ron and Harry and the Ravenclaws. All coming together to sing-shout the chorus. Until they were a huddle of bouncing, singing people.
"I've been inclined. BAH BAH BAHH!
To believe they never would,
But now I…"
Severus looked through the crack through the door, watching the scene of pure joy before him. His eyes found Circe, dancing with the students, mouthing the words to Lupin and he back to her as he swayed on his feet.
"Look at the night and it don't seem so lonely
We filled it up with only two."
His vision turned cloudy as vicious jealousy ate away at his insides.
"And when I hurt
Hurting runs off my shoulders
How can I hurt when holding you?"
Lupin took her into a spin as they both laughed. Snape's view of them was blocked as Fred and George waltzed by them in a dramatic tango together. He couldn't stay and watch any longer and slinked off into the darkness as the song continued, ringing cruelly in his ears.
"One, touching one
Reaching out, touching me, touching you…!
Sweet Caroline
Good times never seemed so good
I've been inclined
To believe they never would.
Sweet Caroline
Good times never seemed so good
Sweet Caroline
I believed they never could…."
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