บท 6: Chapter Six.
I find myself wandering the streets for hours, nibbling on a homemade cucumber sandwich. Brody's face keeps flashing through my mind and every single time, I want to kick myself for acting like such an idiot.
Why is it not possible for me to interact with other humans like a normal person?
The thing that annoys me the most is that he was being nice to me and all I could do in return is run away from him. It wouldn't surprise me if he began to think of me as a freak. No-one ever approached me in school to ask if I'm okay. No-one ever took the time to even glance in my direction.
"So why the hell is Brody different. . . What does he want?" I mumble to myself, kicking a stone along the pavement. A woman with her young daughter walk past me at that exact moment and she stares at me strangely, quickly hurrying her daughter along. Great, she also thinks I'm a freak who talks to myself.
Well Bella, you kind of do have full on conversations with yours truly. . .
I roll my eyes and push open the metal gate of the park so I can get inside. It's empty, just the way I like it. I immediately wonder over to the swings, dropping my backpack on the floor beside me. I take a seat and push myself backwards, letting my feet kick outwards to swing myself.
I'm not the biggest fan of swings. If I swing too high, I'd be hit with a sickly nauseous feeling, instantly throwing my guts up. . . Mid-air.
Yep, it's definitely not pretty.
I swing a little higher, closing my eyes and tilting my head up to the sky. There's a slight breeze in the air today and it whips against my face, cooling my nerves down. Hearing nothing but nature around me always seems to calm me down.
The first time I experienced a panic attack, I was seven. It was a distant cousins birthday party and Jedd and I were invited. The party was during the winter which meant it was pitch black outside, darkness everywhere. I remember the way the kids ganged up against me, teasing me for the dress I was wearing.
"Your dress is ugly! I hate it!" One kid laughed, holding their noise.
"It needs to be thrown away, like you!" Another child teased, tugging at the hem. I pushed myself back into a corner, desperately trying to get them to stop.
The more uncomfortable I became, the more they enjoyed it. I remember the way it felt for the first time to feel my lungs physically be restricted, throat closing up so tightly, it felt like I was being strangled. I began to gasp for air like a fish out of water, tears streaming down my face. I shut my eyes and wished for everything to be normal again when suddenly, I felt myself being lifted from the ground. I opened my eyes to find Jedd carrying me away from my tormentors. He looked down at me with a worried expression —
"Don't worry Bells, you're going to be okay." Jedd whispered, taking me out the back and down to the bottom of the garden which was empty and silent. I remember how my brain felt oxygen deprived and I began to panic further.
"Here, lie down," Jedd instructed me firmly lying down onto the grass himself. I nodded silently and did as he said, feeling the wet grass underneath me, tickling my back as I lay down. Jedd held my hand tightly in his own and pointed upwards with his other.
"Look Bells, look at the sky," he turned, smiling towards me and I glanced upwards at a sky I'd seen thousands of times before. However this time, it was covered with stars shining so brightly, they lit up the dark night.
"It's pretty, isn't it?" Jedd asked rhetorically and I remember instantly feeling my throat relax, my breathing becoming more regular. My lungs began to fill with oxygen once again and the beating of my heart slowed right down.
"Yes. . . It's pretty," I whispered, turning to give Jedd a truly grateful genuine smile.
He was only a child himself.
Ever since that night, Jedd taught me whenever I began to feel a panic attack coming on, remove myself from the situation and find a quiet place outside. "Focus on your breathing and listen to the things around you."
I smile fondly at the memory and pull out my phone from my pocket, scrolling down to find Jedd's contact.
I'm really sorry, I've been so difficult. Forgive me please?
I send the text and push my phone back into my pocket, biting the inside of my cheek nervously. Sometimes I forget how amazing Jedd is to me, he may be my brother but in other ways, he's also my friend.
I've been a terrible sister and a terrible friend to him in return. My phone pings and I reach for it, pulling it out and glancing at the screen.
I forgive you. Want some ice cream after school? I'll buy.
I smile at my phone which stretches out into a full blown toothy grin. I may not have friends however I have an awesome brother who I adore and love very much.
Cool, see you then.
I type out quickly on the screen before sending the text. My spirit rises a little and I begin to feel more hopeful. Maybe this is a sign that things will begin to improve from now on.
I cross two fingers, hoping that I'm right.
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