บท 2: TUESDAY the ELEVENTH of JULY
I remember those moments vividly every night. Those scenes are always played from start to finish. They came so often to me every night that I stopped dreading them. However, there was one aspect of those nightmares that even my beaten down body would shake to.
Once those nightmarish scenes would stop, my premonitions of the future would begin. And with it, I would see the future of my constant lies and would gain the ability to change the past, if I wanted to. But of course, I wouldn't stop lying. I can't or she will turn just like her dad--an explorer of the wild lands. In the premonition, I would witness myself continuously raising my single daughter--my only remaining love, by myself all alone. I would witness my child grow by the years, becoming increasingly inquisitive than the previous year.
Yet still, only lies and added stories would be produced by my very own vocal cords with no end in sight.
My lips told lies better than I could process them and eventually my daughter would only grow more suspicious as I could not keep up with my lies.
I witness much farther into the future, a timeline where my daughter, fully grown and cared for, would leave the family house that has been her only safe-haven she had ever really known.
I watched, helpless as I am right now, as my lies sowed our family--our union--apart. Till my lies brought me to destroy my only passion---my baby girl. Never my intentions, of course, but sometimes I think misfortunes were knotted by my very own unholiness and cruel sins.
Sleep, I continued to do, even among the constant drowning feelings, and stomach pain I would endured. Even as I made love to numerous men, that pain never really went away, no matter what I do. But at least the lovemaking would drown the other pain.
Once I woke up from the treacherous nightmares, I would feel relieved but only momentarily until it hit me.
My husband was dead. No praying to any God nor Devil would bring him back. Nothing will change the fact, I have lied to her already, and nothing will change the fact that my lies would never stop.
With those very own premonitions of mine, I will continuously lie to her, until my very last breath leaves my lungs. Until my vocal cords break. Hopefully, even in death, and in my memories, my lies will keep sprouting. Long after my passing.
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