บท 10: Chapter10 The road trip
What happened after they had left, I was to find out only much later, when Draculeta recounted the events that had taken place while they were away. But you won’t have to wait as long as I did to hear their story, because I’m going to tell you everything like I’ve heard it from my gentle vampire.
The highway leading to Rome was full of cars but Bony and the others soon realized that convincing a driver to take these weird types to the historic capital was something of an adventure on its own. Finally Redpaw had an idea.
‘Listen!’ he said ‘No one will stop as long as they see all of us together. I’ve heard that in hitchhiking the basic rule is that the drivers stop only if they see a beautiful young woman. So I suggest we hide in the bushes and let Draculeta get us a ride. Someone is bound to stop for her.’
‘Yes,’ agreed Slimetooth, ‘she’ll dazzle them with her beauty.’
The plan was interesting so the monsters hid in the bushes waiting to see what would happen. But once again the result was disappointing. Draculeta with her cranky phone operator appearance, her old fashioned feathered hat and the dress with all those bows was probably a bit less attractive than Slimetooth and the others supposed she was. So much soactually that a group of rude young men pulled over to poke fun at her.
The driver peeped out and started making vulgar jokes.
‘Look at that broad!’ he yelled to his friends. ‘She has worn her grandmother’s clothes and gotten out to hitchhike.’
‘You stink,’ screamed another.
‘Where do you think you are going in this getup?’ asked a third.
‘I wish to be transported to Rome,’ replied my friend in her cold vampire way.
‘Don’t worry! You’ll get there but probably on foot.’
‘Do you hear those punks?’ said Bony who was hiding in the bushes with the others. Someone has to teach them some manners.’
‘You are right,’ agreed Redpaw. ‘Don’t you worry! I’ll take care of them.’
‘What will you do?’ asked Slimetooth.
‘Wait and see,’ said the demon and with those words he became transparent as if he was made out of air and got out of the bushes.
‘What will he do?’ asked Bony clearly more than a little upset. But he would soon find out.
‘We’ll give you a lift, you hug,’ said laughing the rude and nasty boy on the wheel, but you’ll have to get in the trunk. If you get in the car, then my buddies and I won’t be able to stay in.’
‘Are you implying that I’m fat?’ shrieked Draculeta.
‘I mean you stink like moldy cheese,’ laughed the other. ‘You live in a coffin or something?’
‘I think we’ve had enough of this,’ said the invisible Redpaw, who in the meantime had come closer to the car.
Then without waiting another moment with a tiny jump he levitated like a small cloud of smoke for a few seconds and then he sneaked inside the rude boy’s left nostril.
The scene that followed was terribly exciting. The boy started to bang his back against the seat, to foam from the mouth and for a few seconds he resembled a man who has had an epileptic seizure.
‘Hey, Antonio, what’s wrong?’ asked frightened one of the others in the car.
But it was too late. Now it was Draculeta’s turn to have her fun.
‘I haven’t told you that I have some friends with me. Maybe you can put them in the trunk of your car too. Come on, boys!’
‘Right away,’ said Bony coming out of the bushes with Slimetooth by his side and approaching the car of the impolite young punks.
‘Didn’t someone tell you that it’s not polite to make fun of a respectable lady?’ said the skeleton opening his coat and revealing his shiny white bones.
‘Aaaah,’ screamed the punks.
‘Let’s get out of here, man!’ yelled one of them. ‘The gates of hell have been opened and the monsters are roaming the streets. I’ve told you we shouldn’t hear so much black metal. Antonio, step on it.’
‘That’s what you think,’ replied the young man at the wheel with an unnatural dark voice and with those words he turned to reveal his face to his “friends”.
His face had been deformed almost beyond recognition and had acquired a monstrous greenish hue.
‘Mommy, something is wrong with Antonio!’ screamed one of the rude young men in horror. ‘He’s a monster too. Let’s get out of here!’
And with that the foolish boys opened the doors and left the car. They ran in the highway barely managing to avoid the speedy cars that were racing frantically towards the great city.
‘Redpaw,’ said Draculeta impressed bringing her face near the face of the transformed driver. ’Is that you in there? How, in count Dracula’s cape, have you managed to pull that off? You are a knight,my knight on his white horse or to be precise my knight in his modern car. We’ve taught them a lesson they will never forget!’
‘It’s nothing,’ said the demon, ‘we, devils, always do things like that. It is called possession of human and it is one of the most basic and oldest tricks in the book.’
‘Excellent!’ said Slimetooth, ‘Now we have a ride to Rome. Once we are there it will be easy to find a way to travel to Monte Carlo. We must not forget to buy sunglasses and sunblock. We will need them to protect ourselves against all the strong lights.’
I have to admit that for the time being my monsters seemed more than capable to face the difficulties of their exodus to the world of humans. In a little while they were all together in their new car driving at full speed on the highway singing freely and out of tune “Baby you can drive my car.”
Back in me though, all was not as ideal as the four monsters imagined it to be. Rot the Abomination was determined to make them regret not having taken her with them on their road trip.
The first to see her poster were two skeletons who were walking cheerful and lighthearted on the second floor and their jaw literally dropped. Maybe you are wondering how Rot was able to print posters being only a monster inside a haunted house but the answer is simple enough: it wasn’t a real poster but only an illusion like the ones I used to create when I wanted to drive away an invader.
All the monsters inside me shared a part of my ability to create such illusions and Rot was no exception. So she decided to use it to her advantage. Her poster brought in mind the “WANTED” posters often encountered in the old days in the Wild West. It showed Bony, Draculeta, Slimetooth and Redpaw as infamous bandits and under their images it was written:
“It’s all their fault!”
And right under that:
“Meeting in the basement at two o’clock. Don’t be late! The time of the revolution has come! Time to dethrone the suitcase stealing, money spending monstercrats, who suck the last drop of our rotten blood. Down with arrogant Bony and snobby Draculeta, down with ridiculous Slimetooth and crafty Redpaw! We must be like a fist, brothers. We are monsters not slaves!”
One could see such posters all over the most central and most frequented parts of the house and naturally they caught the attention of my innocent monsters. It’s no wonder that all of them with no exception gathered in my basement to hear what the Abomination had to say.
Rot had taken her most serious expression of importance and gravity reminding a politician fishing for votes. When she started talking everyone felt that something important was about to take place in their haunted house and as she continued her speech something like a spark started to spread and turned rapidly into a great revolutionary fire.
Rot’s speech
Brothers,
I asked you to assemble here in order to discuss a matter of great importance. You know me and I know you and I’ m sure you are convinced that I wouldn’t try to fool you. Like a humble hardworking gear in the machine of our haunted house I’ve worked hard and labored with all my powers for every scare, for every shiver. But a dictatorial elite has been continuously choking me.
I know I’m not the only one. We all have suffered from their arrogance. And I ask you with what right Mr. Bony has been posing as the butler and Mrs. Draculeta as the housekeeper leaving for the rest of us the role of footmen and maids.
Some of you will say that’s not so important, that all that matters is sending away the intruders and have our peace and quiet. That’s what I too have thought for a long time, till a suitcase opened my eyes. Yes, comrades, a suitcase full of money that the monstercrats, Bony and his gang, have decided to spend till the last dime at the casinos of Monte Carlo.’
‘I’ve told them it was a stupid idea,’ I sighed.
‘It’s not fair,’ shrieked the Abomination, ‘it’s a crime!’
Will you, my skeleton friends, she continued, tolerate such an injustice? Will you not protest? Bony pretends to be your protector, your leader but did he take you with him on his road trip? Οf course not. Don’t you have the right to have a little bit of fun like he does? Haven’t you labored for so many years? Are you, my boogeymen comrades, completely useless? Why Slimetooth alone has the right to spend the mobsters’ money on the roulette table and the slot machines?’
‘And what do you propose?’ yelled a ghost.
‘Yes, we’ll do whatever you say!’ cried another.
‘Put an end to the distinctions!’ screamed triumphantly the Abomination ‘Show to these snotty, high level monsters that we all have equal rights to the money of the suitcase. Put an end to the monstercrats rule.’
‘What does “monstercrats” mean?’ asked a little boogeyman.
‘It’s like “aristocrats” only monsters, explained Rot with an air of great knowledge. But enough words. Are you with me?’
‘Hurrah’, cheered the skeletons with one voice. ‘Bony sinks - Rot Rises!’
That phrase soon caught on and spread all over my little army of monsters like wildfire. Of course I was not at all happy to see my monsters divided like this but I have to say Rot had a point. This time Bony and the others had gone too far.
While the revolution was raging in the house, Redpaw who for the first time in his career as a demon had the chance to drive such a fast car had almost lost all restraint and was stepping on the gas pushing the fast car to its limits and to its highest speed.
‘Are you completely crazy?’ asked Draculeta. ‘We’ll crash!’
‘I’m crazy,’ shouted Redpaw drunk with enthusiasm. ‘I’m crazy for speed.’ Vrouououm Vrouououm.
‘Redpaw, you’d better slow down or man there will be trouble,’ threatened Slimetooth. ‘Remember we are monsters so nothing much will happen to us if we fall on a wall, but that poor young man you have possessed will be pushing up daisies.’
‘This car is unbelievable,’ screamed the demon without much interest, ‘I’ve always wanted a car like that. Pity it doesn’t go any faster.’
‘Yeah, pity,’ observed Bony ironically ‘you should explain that to the policeman that has been chasing us for half an hour now. He wants us to pull over.’
‘A policeman you say?’ repeated annoyed the demon. ‘He’ll never catch me.’
‘That’s enough, Redpaw!’ yelled Draculeta. ‘I have no intention to be put away for life. I’m a vampire. Do you know what a life sentence means in my case?’
‘Fine, fine,’ replied indifferently the demon. ‘anyway, when that wise ass sees us, he will soil his pants. I’ll follow my old demonic system. I’m pulling over.’
And with those words Redpaw finally cut speed and stopped, allowing the officer who had been following them to approach and talk to him through the open car window.
The policeman in this case was actually an over-conscientious hick from a picturesque little village in southern Italy and soon the monsters realized that he knew very little about possession, demons, haunting etc.
‘License and registration,’ he said seriously. ‘Well, partner, I reckon y’all had a little too much to drink.’
Redpaw didn’t answer. He only turned his head or to be precise the head of the young driver to reveal his deformed characteristics hoping to scare the policeman.
‘Argggr,’ growled the shameless demon.
‘Argrrr, right back at ya,’ replied the hick ‘but don’t think that if you butter me up you won’t get a ticket.’
‘Tremble, mortal,’ said Redpaw making his eyes glow red. ‘I’m the darkest demon of hell and I claim your soul.’
‘Hey, partner,’ said the policeman with genuine concern ‘you should check them eyes. It’s probably conjunctivitis. Try an eyewash or something.’
‘Speak Latin to him,’ said Bony who was sitting in the back seat. ‘That always works.’
‘Good thinking,’ said Redpaw. ‘Cogito ergo sum’ (I think therefore I am) he said with a deep impressive voice. ‘Alea jacta est’ (the die is cast).
‘Well, cut off my legs and call me shorty. You are well educated I see,’ said the cop very impressed.
‘I speak dead languages,’ replied proudly the demon ‘One of the most definite signs of possession. You are turning pale. Ha, you are scared, mortal.’
‘Dead, alive or dying languages you won’t get away from me without a ticket,’ replied the policeman. ‘License and registration, I said!’
‘Enough nonsense,’ said Draculeta ‘you see that those stupid tricks don’t work. Open the glove box! Surely the young man keeps his license there.’
‘Fine,’ said Redpaw, clearly very annoyed by this whole business.
Luckily the not so lucky possessed young man kept indeed the license and registration there.
‘Thank you,’ said the over-conscientious policeman writing a ticket. ‘Your ticket,’ he added with a big smile. ‘Goodbye and good luck with your conjunctivitis, partner!’
‘First time in my life I see such a hick,’ sighed Redpaw, ‘and I thought that my Latin would really scare him. Anyway, good riddance! We are off to Rome, friends.’
‘Yes but slowly,’ said Slimetooth, ‘I hope you’ve learned your lesson.’
‘Fine, fine,’ said the little demon but his foot was already on the gas pedal.
‘Forget it,’ said Bony, ‘you’ve driven long enough. Time you get some rest. You’d better let someone else sit at the wheel, someone with less self destructive tendencies.’
‘Slimetooth, you are our driver.’
‘Awesome!’ said the boogeyman terribly excited. ‘Right on.’
‘Yeah, but you’d better go slowly,’ pleaded Draculeta.
‘Relax!’ said Bony ‘He’s more afraid of crashing than you. There aren’t bigger wimps than the boogeymen. With Slimetooth at the wheel we’ll reach Rome safely and on time.’
Indeed with the arch-boogeyman the monsters weren’t in any danger of crashing anymore. He was going slowly, so slowly that dawn was approaching and they were still on the road. If the morning came, it would be catastrophic for both Slimetooth and Draculeta who weren’t on the best terms with the sun.
‘Now what will we do?’ asked frightened my vampire. You know that my skin gets darker when exposed to the sun and I don’t mean a nice bronze tan, I mean charcoal black.’
‘Yes and I have to say I’m not crazy about bright lights myself,’ said Slimetooth.
‘Calm down!’ said Bony. ‘I think that young punk that Redpaw possessed had a good idea. Draculeta can sleep in the trunk of the car. As for Slimetooth, he can take temporarily his shadow form and hide in the glove compartment. Redpaw and I will wake you up when night falls and we reach Rome.’
The vampire and the boogeyman seemed to like that idea and so the story gets interrupted here, since Draculeta couldn’t tell me what happened from the moment she got in the trunk until their arrival in Rome. I guess that their trip went on with no more setbacks. Probably Bony sat at the wheel, since he was determined not to let Redpaw drive anymore and there had been no more cause for other police cars to stop them.
Meanwhile let’s leave the monsters to their trip and go see how two old acquaintances of ours were doing.
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