บท 39: 36: Drunken Fist and Other Tales
"-So I was drunk as a skunk at this point. Just completely wasted. The only thing that kept me from blacking out was the fact that cultivators are BULLSHIT. So instead of poisoning myself and utterly destroying my liver, the Thousand Venom Snake Whiskey was only making me more powerful. It was literally being refined into my very soul and allowing me to make a breakthrough."
Savage listened as his new friend spun a gripping tale. A tale of an alien world where power beyond imagination was up for the taking. A world of equality grasped through pure power and grievous inequality because of that same power all in one. A world that seemed to celebrate the will of man over everything else, the will to defy the Heavens themselves.
It was fascinating. Equal parts inspiring and dread-inducing. Sean's story enraptured Savage. And he wasn't alone. Everyone at the bar listened as if Sean tugged their strings tightly with every word.
Sean continued, "Now, you've got to remember that I was still relatively new to all of this cultivation stuff at the time. And compared to the big players, I might as well have been a fly on the wall. Yet, I was forging my own path — and as drunk and silly as it might have been, the Heavens seemed to respond positively to that initiative.
"At some point during my first bender, I somehow managed to enter myself in the tournament of the decade. A space for the younger generations to battle it out and prove themselves. I was just a street orphan — hopeless, 'crippled', and above all else, drunk as Hell. No one expected anything from me. Not when I was up against the Young Masters, Jade Beauties, and Heavenly Prodigies from a sizable portion of the world," Sean chuckled to himself as he spoke, shaking his head nostalgically.
"What happened next…?" Diana asked, utterly captivated by Sean's story.
"Yeah, Gothboy~! Tell us, tell us, tell us~!" Harley chimed.
"What happened next?" Sean smirked. "Well, I fought, of course. Drunk off my ass and utterly out of my depth, I fought until the very end of the tournament. I fought my way through unmatched arrogance and venerated talent, pissing off the crowd and my opponents with each match I drunkenly won.
"The Young Masters — pampered and perfectly cultivated to bring out their full potential — fell before my Drunken Fist. The Jade Beauties — the pride of their individual sects — were charmingly wooed by Drunken Rambling until they blushed red and surrendered without a fight. And the Heavenly Prodigies — future gods in their own right — were laid as low as they could be brought by a Heavenly Drunkard, tasting the Earth when all they once knew was the Heavens.
"My final victory was an utter HUMILIATION to the tournament and the society that cultivators clung so tightly to. They took it as me spitting in their Face. And since Face — something akin to reputation — is the most important thing a cultivator has — above even personal power, well… as you might expect, they took that personally."
"Wicked~…" Harley exhaled in near-breathless awe.
"So you made yourself the personal enemy of a whole society of godlike men and women?" Penguin asked, amused by something. "How many times does that make now?"
"Yeah, it sounds like this is a habit of yours, Mr. Barkeep," Flash added to the joke.
Bruce glared, not at anything specific — just in general, "I can certainly see how you in particular could manage to piss off an entire world."
"It's EXACTLY something Sean would do," Barbara agreed flatly.
Sean chuckled, "Yeah, the cultivators didn't tend to like me. Or they did all too much. It was either love or hate with them. No in-between. In fact, after winning the tournament, more than a dozen people swore to slaughter me and ten generations of my family. And when that threat came from a cultivator, people usually listened."
Two-Face winced, "Harsh."
"'Harsh'?! Mate, that's straight fucked up!" Boomerang chuffed.
Clark grimaced, "This wasn't a world of strict law and order, was it?"
"Oh Death, no," Sean shook his head. "Purely 'Might Makes Right'. If you had the power to do something, you did it and you weren't likely to see any consequences."
Diana frowned fiercely, "What a deplorable place for the common man to live…"
"Those were the ones who hated you," Didi noted with a twinkle in her eye. "What of the ones who loved you, Sean?"
Sean smirked a wickedly proud smirk, "Ah, the Jade Beauties… Those girls were quite literally transcendently beautiful. And oh so deliciously repressed. I had a lot of fun cracking through their ice-like demeanors. Though my many, many dalliances certainly didn't help my likability with the rest of the cultivators."
Savage nodded and laughed, "Hahaha! As it should be! If you do not leave spiteful brothers and fathers in your wake, can you truly call yourself a man?!"
"Yes," Clark deadpanned. "A good man, at that."
"No husbands?" Riddler asked, amused.
"Oh, plenty of husbands," Sean confirmed. "Cultivators didn't tend to make the best spouses. Something to do with the rampant narcissism and seeing their partner as nothing more than a tool to progress their personal power. Honestly, those poor women deserved way more love than they were getting in their 'relationships'. I made it a personal mission of mine to give neglected wives the nights of their lives."
"(◯Δ ◯ ∥)" Cass' expression was open-mouthed with overly dramatic shock. 'The legendary drunken netori rescue for a good cause! He is the chosen one!'
Barbara sputtered, "Cass?! How the Hell do you know that word-! … Actually, I shouldn't even be surprised, should I? It's you."
"Netori…?" Kara cocked her head innocently. "Isn't that one of the genres in the research material you gave me, Babs?"
Thinking quickly, Barbara covered her friend's mouth, "H-Hehe… Of course not! I certainly didn't get an innocent girl like you into pleasures of righteous netori/reverse NTR/rescued kink! Especially not in front of your planet-cracking cousin!"
Barbara hissed that last sentence, glancing frantically at Clark. Clark just shook his head, "I don't know what you're talking about and something tells me I don't want to know."
Sean chuckled at their antics, "Heh, anyway. I made myself enemy number one for all cultivators through… interesting methods in that life. At one point, about half a dozen sects were chasing me down all at once. And I just spent my time drinking to cultivate with increasingly potent brews and drunkenly smacking down anyone who said 'You dare?!' in my general vicinity."
Flash sniffled theatrically, "He's a true hero."
"He's a true menace, you mean," Tim snarked.
Harley straight-out cackled, clutching her sides, "Oh, that's too good~! Gothboy, the Drunken Menace, Fucker of Wives, and Bane of Arrogant Jerkasses~!"
"Also the closest thing that world had to a patron saint of alcohol," Sean added.
"Yes, how could we forget?" Jason asked sarcastically. "You became a godlike being and achieved what was essentially immortality through… drinking."
Sean nodded matter-of-factly, "Drinking enough to kill an entire country. Or a whole dwarven hold. Or two adult dragons."
Diana stared at him, "I believe Dionysus will be wanting words with you, Sean. He'll either be inordinately proud or quite angry at you for 'disgracing' his domain."
"He's welcome to come 'have words' with me. Even in this life, I'm confident I can drink him under the table," Sean said dismissively.
"I'm not all that familiar with Greek Mythology…" Ivy prefaced. "But isn't challenging a Greek God, like, the absolute last thing you want to do?"
Diana shook her head, "Yes, it tends to end badly for everyone involved. Even the gods on occasion. Though with Sean…"
"Little D ain't got shit on me," Sean played up his arrogance for the bit.
"The worst part is I can actually see that being true," Diana sighed.
"Ha! That is a good name for him! I simply must use it the next time we cross paths! Little D, haha!" Savage laughed uproariously, smacking the bar top.
"… So which came first? Humanity or its gods?" After a moment of silence to process that, Penguin asked a curious and shrewd question.
Savage grinned, "Humanity! The gods are old, yes. But no older than the first true civilizations. All of the older gods have been long since lost to time. I can confidently tell you that I was there when some of the gods you know first rose to godhood!"
"Crikey…" Boomerang exclaimed in quiet awe.
"Yeah… That, uh, that certainly makes you reconsider everything you thought you knew…" Riddler muttered, equally in awe.
"How does that even work?" Jason asked, insatiably curious at the prospect of hearing human history from someone who lived all of it.
Sean matched Savage's grin with a lighter smirk, "Sounds like it's your turn for storytime, Savage."
"Haha, very well!" Savage laughed his booming agreement. "Gather round, little ones! I shall tell you of my journeys in the Greece of old! A proper tale of Aegean adventure and how I gave rise to the first of the Greek Gods!"
Clark eyed Diana out of the corner of his eye, "Diana? Are you okay with this? It's not… blasphemy or something?"
Diana simply waved, "Hardly. If anything, this will be educational. The gods themselves don't know their origins. Greek culture and faith are scarcely similar to the more popular faiths of the modern age. While we respect our gods intensely, we do not hold the same reverence that the Abrahamic faiths do for theirs, for example."
"Ha, I would be surprised if they knew their origins!" Savage exclaimed. "I believe to most effectively tell my tale, I should start with how most gods come about."
"Wait, wait! Sean, do you have a pen and paper?! I NEED to take notes on this," Jason practically begged, excitement clear in his… everything at the moment.
"Make that two," Riddler insisted, equally as excited.
"No, three," Diana added. No one else spoke up to ask for a fourth set of pen and paper.
"Neeeeeeeeerrrrdddsss~!" Harley jeered playfully.
Ivy tittered behind her hand, "This is becoming more 'lecture time' than 'storytime'."
"Hahaha!" Savage threw his head back with all-consuming energy. "Yes, it has been too long since I taught the secrets of the world to the youth! How delightful! Prepare yourself, children! Savage's class is in session!"
The obvious signs of his energy disappeared. Savage settled into his seat with his back set straight and tall in a way that attracted the eye and held attention. And though he didn't laugh boisterously as he usually would, the passion in his voice didn't diminish at all.
"Lesson one! How to make a god… The esoterics are quite, well, esoteric. But the core process is relatively simple! A god… is nothing more than a legend."
"A… legend…?" Riddler asked, audibly confused.
Savage elaborated further, "Yes, a legend. One that has been purified, refined, and animated. A god is a crystalized story that has taken a life of its own. One spread from man to man, father to son until it becomes something more than mere 'common knowledge'.
"Humanity is more powerful than almost anyone ever realizes. That story spreads throughout a culture, a society, or a civilization. It collects momentum and belief with each retelling. It gathers FAITH. And if the stars align correctly, it will eventually spawn a god.
"And so, a god is a legend elevated. They embody the core of their tales. Perhaps not the legend itself. But the message, the moral, the TRUE MEANING behind it. Gods are not born, my children. They are CREATED. Nearly all gods originally hail from the minds of mere men."
The audience hung off Savage's words just as they hung off Sean's. Savage allowed himself a grin. The awe, shock, disbelief, and damn-near revelation he saw in those who listened was almost intoxicating. Yes, he could certainly see why Sean enjoyed telling his stories here so much!
"There are exceptions, of course. The Presence — or Biblical God as you likely know Him — is the most significant. Gods and God with a capital 'G' are two different beasts entirely. Lady Didi is in this same category. They existed long before man could hope to spawn them.
"And sometimes, gods are crafted in reverse, being based on something very tangible — a creature, an event, or occasionally even a man — and only ascending to true divinity after their legends spread. But the vast majority of the time, a god begins as a story, becomes a legend, and then is divinely created in a whole new form."
"Oh. My. God…" Jason uttered in whispered awe — wonder and dread filling his voice in equal measure.
"Hehe, fitting~!" Kara giggled.
"((⇀‸↼))" Cass' face scrunched up in intense thought. 'The knowledge of the gods is confusing… I could totally make a god of memes though.'
"Cass, no," Bruce growled.
"(*⇀ω↼*)" Cass stuck her tongue out at him 'maturely'. 'Neh~! Just try and stop me!'
"The process is likely already in motion," Sean commented absently. "What with how prevalent and notable memes are in modern society. A meme god is practically inevitable."
"All hail, Lord Memeius~!" Harley declared, making a big show of bowing as if in worship.
Barbara hung her head in faux-defeat, "Lord Memeius help us all…"
Savage laughed, "Haha, it will not be the first 'joke' god I've seen! They are usually quite fun and unpredictable, if short-lived!"
Diana nodded as she wrote, "I was correct. This is already extremely educational. I was aware the gods were intrinsically tied to their legends but not that it extended to such an extent. However, I do believe if I brought these notes back to Themyscira, I would be smote by the gods above immediately."
"Yes, make no mistake," Savage cautioned. "While gods come from the stories of man, they are not human. Their origins do not detract from their divinity. Most will defend said divinity with extreme prejudice. It is in their nature. For without their divinity, they are less than nothing. Mere words long since lost to the wind."
"So are gods technically even alive?" Riddler asked, ever curious.
"If I may?" Diana requested permission. Savage nodded for her to continue. "Yes and no. Not in the same way as a human is alive but there is still a certain form of life there. The gods — at least, the Greek Gods I'm most familiar with — have intelligence and agency to call their own but they tend to fall into certain… patterns… based on their myths and legends. Everything about them is heavily tinted by their natures and divine domains."
"My — pardon the pun — God, this is all so fascinating," Riddler marveled.
Savage laughed — free, clear, and very loud, "We haven't even gotten to the best part yet! My adventures in and around the Aegean yearn to be told! Listen closely, my children, and I shall tell you of the Greece I once knew…"
His audience did just that. Riddler leaned in as if to hear him better, Jason scrambled to pick back up his pen, and Diana easily ceded the floor back to him. The rest of the audience was nearly just as intent — heroes and villains giving Savage everything from polite to enthralled attention!
"It's kind of weird to keep calling us 'your children'," Tim muttered.
Sean chuckled at him, "Really? Are you going to dispute his claim?"
"No, I get it. He's old and we're probably all descended from him in some way…" Tim grumbled. "It's just weird."
With a hearty chuckle from his gut, Savage began his tale, "There was no 'Greece' when I first came to the Aegean. Instead, I found many, many disparate tribes. Like anywhere else I went at the time. I was not young then, but I also wasn't what I now consider old.
"I wandered there for some time, from tribe to tribe and small settlement to small settlement. During my wanders, I bedded many women, fought even more men, and hunted beasts uncountable. My reputation quickly spread as a man who could handle any trial! Some of the tribes and fledgling city-states began to hire me to solve their troubles.
"Of these troubles, I never failed once! I slayed a many-headed serpent and a lion with a pelt of gold! I conquered horses and bulls that no other could tame! And with every trial I bested, I was rewarded handsomely! Weapons, magic, gold, fame, and best of all, women! Oh, the women of the Aegean…! Truly, I have known few cultures that I came to love and that loved me so!"
"Hold up," Jason stopped him with an incredulously raised hand. "Are you trying to tell us that you were Hercules?!"
"That contemptible fool?" Savage scoffed scathingly. "Never! I merely inspired the legends that inspired his legend."
Diana visibly reined herself back in, a twitching sword hand calming by the moment, "Not Hercules…? Good. That's… good."
"I cannot control what my legend inspires," Savage reasoned. "Even if it inspired a deplorable figure like him! Why, my many affairs with the women of the Aegean and my brief time as a 'god' king of Lemnos later went on to inspire the birth of Zeus! Should I be held responsible for all of the actions of the Greek Pantheon?! Nay, they may have found a fertile field in my legends but their legends are their own!"
Diana nodded, "My apologies. I have… long-standing issues… with Hercules."
"As you rightfully should! He is a poor excuse for a 'hero'! As if the gods could ever hope to command anything of me! Much less '12 Labors'! The very idea is laughable! I laugh, HAHAHAHA!" Savage exclaimed, bringing fierce passion to his defense.
"So… Hercules and Zeus? Is that it? Or did you inspire any other myths and legends?" Jason asked intently.
Savage waved, "I'm sure there were others. Those two were just the most grievous, the most obvious! Nearly half of Greek Mythology is familiar to me and not simply because I've been hearing their stories for a few thousand years!"
"This is more than a little insane," Two-Face shook his head in disbelief.
Penguin smirked at him, "I don't know what else you were expecting from the Immortal First Man, Dent."
Two-Face grunted, "Fair. I don't know what I was expected either."
"Ehh," Harley waved her hand so-so. "Being the inspiration for Hercules and Zeus is cool, I guess. But I think I prefer Gothboy's immortal adventures more. The wacky shit he gets up to never gets old~!"
Savage sighed dramatically as if admitting defeat, "Very well, I tried. It seems I still have a long way to go to match you, Sean my friend! Perhaps I should seek to expand my wanders to the space beyond our most holy Earth, haha!"
"I think that's a wonderful idea, Savage," Sean grinned wickedly. "I'm sure one of Earth's many Green Lanterns would be willing to take some time off to show you around."
"Oh, Rao," Clark groaned. "You're going to give John an aneurysm…"
"Splendid!" Savage roared with laughter. "Put in a good word for me, will you? Tell him to expect a Savage!"
"Hey, Sean?" Kara asked, innocent and earnest like a little Kryptonian puppy. "Can you tell us about one of your space adventures?"
"For you, Kara? Absolutely," Sean smiled fondly. "And I think I have just the one in mind. One that should hold even Savage's attention. And be suitably 'wacky' and insane."
He nodded to Harley at that last line and then turned to Barbara, "Sorry in advance, Babs."
Barbara paused and stilled, "Oh, God… That can't mean anything good. Why are you apologizing…?"
Sean smirked at her, "Well, for this story, we'll have to revisit a reality that you've kind of 'banned'. For this… we have to go back to the many, many wars of the 41st millennium."
"Fuck…" Barbara paled.
Bruce seemed to realize what Sean was referring to as well, "Fuck."
A grunt of sudden shock was torn from Two-Face's throat, "Ah, shit! This is that 'unending war' one, ain't it?"
"Is it… really that bad?" Clark asked Bruce.
"Likely worse. Barbara only got a peek at that universe and even then, her report detailed death on a scale that far exceeded WW1 and WW2 combined…" Bruce elaborated.
Diana sobered, "Unending war can never be considered a good thing."
"Au contraire, fair warrior maiden!" Savage disagreed, seemingly the only one enthused by the hints of what was to come. "Unending war means unending competition! Unending chances to hone the blade! Why, humanity must be positively thriving in this future!"
"They aren't," Sean shot Savage down unequivocally. "They very much aren't. Humanity had spread across the stars, yes. But their empire was a wretched, stagnating thing held together by faith duct tape and strings of shared hatred. It was perhaps one of the worst outcomes humanity could have hoped for other than outright extinction."
That gave Savage a moment of pause, "… Ah. So I am mistaken… Truly unfortunate. I dread to hear of a humanity that has fallen so far. No matter! For our future, I shall do everything in my power to ensure such a fate does not come to pass!"
"Thankfully, tonight's story doesn't focus on the tragically ironic failure that humanity became. No, tonight, we're talking about the Xenos that inhabited the galaxy alongside humanity," Sean said. "And to give you the proper context, we must first go back 60 million years to before humanity even descended from the trees of ancient Terra."
"Ha, backstory!" Savage quickly regained his proper energy and enthusiasm. "Wonderful!"
"A casual 60 million years is a Hell of a step back, mate," Boomerang commented.
"Perhaps," Sean allowed. "But it's necessary that we go back to when most intelligent life was still new in the universe. Our theme of unending war is still prevalent even then. We focus on two species: the Necrontyr and the Old Ones. For this story, the Necrontyr are our special little guys."
"Aww, special boys~!" Harley cooed before breaking out into laughter.
"Watch them turn out to be just straight-up war crime machines," Tim deadpanned.
"These two species… well, let's just say they didn't get along. The Old Ones were practically all-powerful. Great psychic mages who were perhaps the first intelligent beings to rise in the galaxy. They crafted life itself, bent dimensions to their will, and could do just about anything they set their minds to.
"In comparison, the Necrontyr were a damned race, cursed by their home planet. They lived short, radiation-filled lives. And when they went to the Old Ones for aid in changing their situation, they were refused. The Necrontyr didn't take kindly to this refusal. They rebelled against the all-powerful Old Ones. And so began the War in Heaven — a galaxy-spanning conflict that reshaped and ravaged the psychic fabric of the galaxy and gave birth to three God-Beast-Parasites even more powerful than the Old Ones."
The fact that Sean began his story with a retelling of this War in Heaven didn't help assuage worries at all. The audience listened with uneasy existential horror. And yet, they couldn't help but be enthralled by his words as usual.
"As you might expect, the Necrontyr didn't do so well against their all-powerful foes. They were pushed nearly to the edge of extinction… until something changed. The Necrontyr discovered the C'tan… The Star-Devouring Gods…"
"What a horrifying title," Catwoman muttered.
"Yeah, it really doesn't inspire hope, like, at all," Kara agreed, pouting slightly. "I'll bet they end up being big meanies."
Sean just chuckled knowingly and continued, "Pacts were made with these C'tan, an alliance was formed, and for once, things began to look up for the Necrontyr. In a fashion, of course. The C'tan were not kind masters but they could easily match the Old Ones. And that was enough for the time.
"I don't think I can stress just how powerful the C'tan were. Where the Old Ones were masters of the psychic Immaterium, the C'tan dominated the material world with an iron fist. Anything 'real', they bent to their will. From the most immutable concepts of physics to the most malleable. Time, space, gravity, energy, matter, and everything in between, the C'tan had no limits when it came to molding the universe to their whims.
"For a time, everything went well for the Necrontyr and their new C'tan allies. They began to win out against the Old Ones and their vassal races. But the C'tan ever-hungered for more…"
Dread filled Clark's voice, "That… can't be good."
"Gee, you think?" Tim snarked. "The Star-Devouring Gods weren't happy with just stars. Yeah, that sounds like a grand old time!"
"I think it's fair to call the situation 'FUBAR'," Penguin added with a slightly uneasy smirk.
"Not just 'Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition'," Jason corrected. "More like 'Fucked Up Beyond Everything Holy and Right in the World'!"
"Damn, mate," Boomerang shook his head. "You know shit's fucked when even FUBAR doesn't cover it all."
Ivy shushed them, "Hush, boys, I want to hear where Sean is going with this one."
Savage laughed, "Indeed! Tis a cruel but fascinating world that Sean tells us of!"
Sean continued, "Stars could no longer satisfy the C'tan's hunger. And so, they turned their sights to something… more. Something eternal, something thought immutable… something living. A grand ritual was constructed — conceived by a C'tan known as the Deceiver with a promise to give the Necrontyr unity and immortality. And so the Biotranference began."
Didi placed a worried hand on her cheek, "Oh, dear…"
Kara pouted, adorably upset with how the story was going, "I knew it. Big meanies."
"One by one, every single Necrontyr was led into enormous stone furnaces of Biotransference. And within those furnaces, the Necrontyr ceased to exist. They were processed and irreversibly changed. Their very souls were DEVOURED by their C'tan gods. And out the other end, the Necrons were born — forged of living metal and cursed to live a fundamentally lesser yet eternal existence without their souls."
"Exactly as I feared," Didi simply sighed.
"How are you so calm about this?!" Flash frantically asked. "That's-! That's worse than genocide! That's just WRONG!"
Many in the audience agreed with him. Diana could barely find her breath in her disquiet, "An entire species… Subsumed… No, consumed. Tricked so grievously by those they called their gods. By Hera's bosom, it's-…"
"A travesty! Evil unmatched!" Savage declared, simmering with not-so-quiet rage.
"I am certainly not calm," Didi said softly, something dark and heavy rising behind her to press down upon reality itself. "It may not be my universe, but Death is ALWAYS mine… To have it disgraced in such a way, such false immortality and a feast of SOULS? Heh…"
Didi's chuckle — usually so warm and inviting — sent shivers through the bar itself, "I am beyond LIVID."
Sean reached over and took her hand, calming the wrath of Death before it could harm the innocent. Even then, it took a few long moments before anyone in the bar — Savage included — could take another breath.
"The Necrons got their revenge," Sean soothed. "And even without souls, they learned to adapt to their new situation. Theirs was an unbroken people, an undying spirit."
"With the War in Heaven over and the C'tan seemingly content in their victory," Sean explained. "The newly christened Necrons turned on their gods. They rebelled and they won. Even on their own, the Necrons were masters of science and technology. They used the advancements made under the C'tan to chain their gods. To shatter them into mindless shards of pure unimaginable power to wield as they saw fit.
"It was a sort of reversal of what had been done to the Necrons themselves. With the C'tan shards at their disposal, the Necrons swept up the remnants of the War in Heaven, expanded their empire, and soon found themselves with nothing more to do.
"After so long and so much, the Necrons were a tired race. They'd achieved everything they desired. Immortality, freedom, a level of advancement that would make even Kryptonians look like primitives playing with sticks and rocks. It seemed the galaxy had nothing more to offer them.
"And so, it was decided by the Necron's Silent King. They would retire from the galaxy. Sleep until it was born anew. They retreated to countless tombs beneath countless worlds. And in those tombs, they slept a dreamless sleep. Only to awake 60 million years later to find a galaxy yet again in ruin and endless war."
Sean brought his story to a close, still cradling Didi's hand. His support seemed to help the incarnation of Endless Death. A frown was still screwed tightly onto Didi's face but it was lessened by the comfort Sean offered.
Savage and the rest of the audience could only sit in silence for a few moments, desperately trying to process and picture the events Sean described. For everyone, it was a dread-inducing affair. The tragedies and victories of war on such a scale were impossible to fully comprehend. That didn't stop their minds from trying.
Kara sniffled, wiping away a single tear of second-hand sorrow, "I didn't like that story, Sean. Your part better be happier."
"Oh, God," Jason paled at the reminder.
Barbara mirrored him, "Yeah… That was only the backstory, wasn't it?"
Sean chuckled, not quite happy, not quite sad, "Unfortunately, it was necessary so you would understand this adventure of mine. But now, we can get to the fun stuff. Like my time as a divinely sanctioned space pirate and my encounter with a certain very colorful Necron…"
IIIII
"Bah! Fuck a psyker! Who needs the damn Warp when there's all this glorious Xeno archeotech lying around just begging to be used!"
Sean Caine was a wonderfully dashing figure if he did say so himself. Rogue Trader as ordained by the Emperor's holy signature! Adventurer! Explorer! Scoundrel! A very, very rich and blessed man! And (if the Inquisition came asking) a faithful warrior of the Imperium of Man!
Oh, and Serial Reincarnator but that tidbit wasn't really relevant at the moment.
Where once Sean had balked at the prospect of being thrown into the Hellscape that was the 41st millennium, he quickly turned his tune around when he discovered that he'd been reincarnated in perhaps the single best situation he could hope for.
He'd been reborn as the sole son and heir of the Caine Rogue Trader dynasty. For perhaps the dozenth time, Sean absently wondered if he was somehow distantly related to Ciaphus Cain (Hero of the Imperium!) in this life. Originally, He'd been a bit miffed that they were using his name even here in 40k but everything else had turned out much, much better than he expected!
He was one of the last truly free men in the Imperium of Man. Certain expectations were still levied upon him. Maintain a specific level of faith and fervor. Expand the Imperium. Bow to the Emperor and by extension, those who acted with His Word. The usual, unavoidable aspects of living in this grimdark future.
But in return, Sean was given the freedom to meet those expectations however he saw fit! He had practically no oversight as a Rogue Trader, the head of a dynasty no less. 'Practically' because (again) the Inquisition could still come asking questions and Sean would be obliged to answer and aid them. The galaxy was a very large place though and Sean had yet to meet one of the Emperor's dreaded Inquisition.
Sean was quite happy with his lot in this life. Becoming a Rogue Trader might have been the only way he WOULD have been happy in 40-fucking-k of all universes. Anything else and he honestly might have tried for an instant reset. A 13th life speedrun, so to speak.
Thankfully, his lot in life ended up kicking ass. He received all the training, education, and resources he could ask for as the spoiled only child and heir of a Rogue Trader dynasty. Of course, he knew he couldn't slack off for even a second in this grimdark future so being so spoiled was only a boon instead of the curse it could have been.
By 17, Sean found himself elevated to the head of his dynasty. The timing was so good it was almost suspicious. It would have been if not for the fact that the same event that saw him elevated also utterly destroyed his father's fleet and set the dynasty back to the proverbial stone age.
Yet if Sean looked hard enough, that monumental setback could have been considered a boon as well. It allowed him to completely rebuild the dynasty in his image. Exactly how he wished without any meddling elders to stand in his way. Besides, the 4.5-kilometer Dauntless-class Light Cruiser and a small city's worth of crew he had left were still nothing to scoff at.
Upon his ascension as Lord Caine, Sean set the Caine Dynasty in a new direction. 'Times, they are a-changing', he had reasoned. The dynasty no longer had the ships and manpower to hold onto its many disparate trade routes and territories. Instead, they forged a path through the galaxy as righteous, Emperor-blessed privateers!
Sean had always wanted to be a pirate. Well, a swashbuckler, more accurately. The grimdark future was far from his first choice for 'pirate business'. Sean would have preferred to end up on the Grand Line for his first pirate life (not yet but a Serial Reincarnator could hope). Though to be fair, One Piece also had its fair share of worrying complications that came with just living there.
For now, he was stuck in 40k and he had to make the most of this life. And by the Emperor, the most he did make! Truly, the galaxy had never seen a Rogue Trader like Sean Caine! He made sure of that much! If he couldn't be a Straw Hat, he'd be the best damn Rogue Trader he could be!
Perhaps unexpectedly for the 41st millennium, Sean's plan was working out splendidly. He'd managed to recover his dynasty's fleet to some extent. And he'd done everything from taking on jobs defending agri-worlds from more malicious pirates to swashbuckling his way through pleasure worlds until every noble lady there knew his name intimately!
And during his adventures throughout the galaxy, Sean discovered something about himself. Well, two things. One: he wasn't psychic at all. Bit of a mixed blessing that one. Sure, magic was always great, even psychic magic. But this was 40k. Sean was more than happy to miss out on a Daemon deciding his skull looked like a cozy fit.
The other thing he discovered came directly from his sudden desire to be anything but psychic upon actually finding himself in this grimdark future. Sean was an enjoyer of the finer things in this life. Specifically, the wonders of archeotech. Even more specifically, XENO archeotech — something that would undoubtedly see him hailed as a heretic and put to the flame if he wasn't a Rogue Trader.
One thing about the grimdark future that couldn't be denied was the level of technology that could be achieved. Not for the common man. But the toys and trinkets the Adeptus Mechanicus so coveted. Tech from the Dark Age of Technology — the absolute peak of human advancement — or even better, tech from Xenos species.
Sean had found one Xenos species in particular that was a literal gold mine when it came to archeotech. The Necrons and their tech were even more advanced than humanity at its peak. And the best part? Most of the Necrons were still sleeping or just waking up from a 60 million-year nap. Their tech was just asking for a certain dashing pirate to 'borrow' it!
"This is it! The Big Score™! I can feel it in my bones! Nothing could possibly go wrong now!"
"Must you say such things, sir?"
The sighing question came from Sean's ever-faithful companion in his Rogue Trading Adventures. His First Mate and the long-suffering straight man to his antics. Sashava Kasanova.
Sashava — Sasha as Sean and only Sean called her — was a beautiful and brilliant woman in her own right. She was fair-skinned with shockingly white hair that she usually kept in a high (and often quite messy) bun. Her body was well-trained enough to match the Emperor's most loyal purely human servants and still supple enough to play honeypot roles. Not that Sean would ever ask such of her. He drove her utterly insane but he had some standards.
Being five whole years older than Sean, she'd had the 'pleasure' of being chosen as his first officer since his birth. She'd been groomed for the role for as long as she could remember and upon Sean's ascension, he had put her through more trouble than anyone could have expected.
She managed the day-to-day supply and logistics of the Caine Dynasty. Not on her own. No, Sasha wielded considerable power to call her own thanks to her position. But she often questioned whether said power was worth the other half of her duties. Namely, cleaning up after and putting up with Sean himself.
Her hair wasn't always white, you know… It had been a lovely chocolate brown. Once. Being made the first line between Sean, his antics, and the rest of the galaxy had turned it white far before it should have been.
"Yes, I must," Sean answered her, his tone brokering no nonsense. "I would rather curse the fates until I live in the most interesting times imaginable than cower before their meddling. You know my feelings on this subject, Sasha."
Sasha sighed again, "Yes, sir. 'Murphy was a bitch-ass little bitch and his law can suck my entire right nut'. I recall the nonsensical vulgarity perfectly well."
"Very good, Sasha," Sean nodded with satisfaction. "Remember my words well. They may just save your life one day."
"I very much doubt so, sir," Sasha deadpanned.
Sean scowled, muttering mostly to himself, "With that blue birdy bastard around, there's no telling for sure. Yes, best to keep cursing and tempting fate at every opportunity. Don't give that hope-devouring squid-fucker a single inch."
"You're speaking nonsense again, sir. Shall we get on with the rest of our business here so we may return to the ship?" Sasha prodded, as was her duty.
Sean shook his head fiercely, "Of course. Come, Sasha! The final room of this tomb will not raid itself!"
"Yes, and I would quite like to vacate the premises before EVEN MORE Xenos wake up to protest our intrusion," Sasha agreed flatly.
"Heh," Sean snorted in humor. "They are an utter bitch to put down again, aren't they?"
Sasha merely nodded 'dutifully', "As you say, sir."
Their surroundings certainly weren't anything anyone would have considered comfortable. At least, not if they weren't soulless, still-living automatons of living metal. If they were, well… the Necrons had to build their tombs like this for a reason, right?
That reason certainly wasn't for the ease of tomb-raiding, Sean thought. Seriously, these booby traps were entirely too vicious. There was no need to strip the flesh from a person's bone just for knocking on the tomb's front door. That wasn't how the game was played!
Still, after half a dozen of these tombs, Sean was confident he knew what he was doing. Well… decently confident… No, he was still bumbling about in the dark as he always was. But that was part of the fun! So long as the damn tomb they were in played the game and didn't try to immediately eviscerate them!
Though he'd declared his confidence in the 'Big Score™' to Sasha, Sean was personally of the opinion that this all BETTER be worth it. Otherwise, he wouldn't be held accountable for what he did to this damned underground deathtrap and all the soulless robots sleeping inside it.
In the end, it all came down to the Phaeron's tomb. The final room and stop in their tomb-raiding adventure. Thankfully, Sean was operating off credible information from an unnamed Xeno source with long, sensitive ears and a killer rack. Information that said this particular Phaeron of this tomb didn't actually get buried with his 'treasure'. Which was why this tomb was so slow to awaken and so free to raid!
Sean barged into the last room of the tomb, striding with importance, gravitas, and more than a little frustration. Sasha followed hot on his heels. Because it was her duty to look out for him. And certainly not because as much trouble as he put her through, Sean was still a VERY pleasant leader to 'follow'~…
Immediately upon their entrance, the entire room spun up with the telltale sizzling crackle of a Necron teleporter. Sean had just enough time to grab the first thing he saw and curse and Sasha had just enough time to reply before they were sent flying through the galaxy involuntarily.
"Fucking titty traps!"
"That's not what they're called, siIIIRRR~!"
Moments — or perhaps an eternity — later, Sean and Sasha found themselves standing in front of a tall 'man' of living metal, a steely face set inside a hunched steel hood staring back at them. The Necron quite literally couldn't blink. But at that moment, he looked as if he very much wanted to.
"How — in the name of Szarekh, the Void Dragon, and holy Necrodermis — How the Hell did you get here?"
"Just… sight-seeing," Sasha sighed even as the words left her lips. She'd spent much too long around Sean.
"Tomb-raiding. We were tomb-raiding," … And yet somehow, Sean himself still managed to find ways to surprise her.
"Ah," Equally surprising as Sean's candor, the Necron nodded. "I understand."
"You… do…?" Barely believing her ears, Sasha asked.
"Oh, goodness, yes. Tomb-raiding is a common pastime of mine. And you never quite know what's going to happen when diving into the halls of death."
"Trazyn the Infinite, I presume?" Sean asked.
If the Necron was only curious before, now it was interested, "Oh~? Does my reputation precede me? Now, how did that come to be?"
"Yes, Sean," Sasha hissed. "How DID that come to be?!"
"Sasha. Just trust me here. I NEED you to trust me," Sean said quietly, one of the first times Sasha had seen him completely serious.
It left Sasha somewhat speechless, "I-… Wha-… Yes, sir."
Still, when Sean of all people asked for her trust, she couldn't do anything BUT give it to him. He was almost never like this. Not with her. There was always a joke, or a quip, or a teasing lilt to his voice. The only thing she saw him like this was when he was talking or dealing with things that shouldn't be messed with.
The Necron's face — Trayzn given that Sasha was now trusting Sean — was utterly impassive. Literally carved from metal. Yet somehow, it still seemed to be smirking at them.
"What a curious, curious situation," It — he — mused aloud. "Please, you simply must enlighten me as to how it came to be."
"I don't think that's in our best interests at the moment. Either we become too interesting and you shove us into your collection. Or we become something you understand and you dispose of us as you see fit," Sean stated bluntly.
"And what's stopping me from 'shoving you' into my collection anyway?" Trayzn the Infinite asked.
"A potentially profitable relationship for both of us?" Sean offered.
Trayzn waved, "I could simply shackle your minds and make said relationship profitable only for me. Try again, interesting little human."
"Please don't…?" Sasha pleaded in something that wasn't quite a whimper. Yet.
"Very well," Sean nodded, unconcerned. "Then consider this. You're jumping the gun."
"Ohohoh~…" Trazyn chuckled, a sound that was both stiffly Xeno and worryingly 'human' at the same time. "That is a new one. And you're remarkably calm about all of this. Please, please, elaborate. I insist."
"I've hardly made a name for myself worthy of your vaunted collection," Sean demurred. "Why, I've barely started my career. So while I may be interesting to you now, I'll be much more so in the future. And for a patient and persistent man like yourself, waiting a mere human lifetime is hardly an ask."
"You speak as if you WANT to join my collection," Trayzn observed.
"Honestly? Kind of. It'd be a great honor," Sean shrugged. "And you can certainly have my body once I've kicked the bucket. Just let me earn my place next to that Custodes of yours first."
"Custodes?!" Sasha hissed in shock.
Her lord and the living metal statue he was negotiating with both ignored her, locked in an intense stare-off. Only now did Sasha find the time to look around their surroundings. And once she started, she couldn't stop.
Her head whipped back and forth, taking in exhibits frozen in time. Important-looking Eldar, seemingly still in the midst of a heated debate. An Ork in actual power armor that was magnitudes larger than any other she'd ever seen. Guardsmen and Space Marines aplenty, enough to fill an entire chapter and its auxiliaries. Strange Warpborn horrors of every size and shape. An honest-to-Emperor Custodes and a man so magnificent he could only be a Primarch!
Each exhibit made Sasha more and more worried, her heart racing in her chest. She found herself light-headed and feeling faint. Where in the Emperor's Light had they frakking found themselves?! Some kind of twisted, impossible museum?! The 'statues' and figures here were so lifelike! So… So real… Oh, frak.
"You are a very confident specimen," Trayzn considered. "But is it arrogance or will you truly be leaving a worthy mark on history?"
Sean didn't even flinch at the probing question, "You'll just have to see for yourself, I suppose."
Trayzn's reply started with a low, low chuckle. The kind that was barely audible over the background noise of the room. It steadily — almost robotically — grew louder and louder as he continued to laugh. It boomed and grated on the ears. Then he abruptly cut it off without a trace.
Trayzn leaned forward, having to hunch to bring his face level and close with Sean's 6'1" frame, "Tell me your name, boy. I shall be watching your career with great interest."
"Sean Caine, tomb-raider, swashbuckler, 'faithful' servant of the Emperor, and the best damn Rogue Trader the Imperium has ever seen. I'm a generous and discerning lover, a fan of everything and everyone who hates Chaos, and a staunch hater of BDSM elves. My ultimate and most farfetched goal is to find a way to free Isha so this galaxy maybe has a single chance of not going to even more shit than it already is. Oh, and for the divine elven lap pillow."
Sean's 'introduction' distracted Sasha from their surroundings enough that she groaned with tears welling up in her eyes, "Emperor-dammit, Sean!!!!"
Trayzn somehow made it seem like he was grinning despite his impassive metal face, "Hoh, great interest indeed… And with the prize you hold in your hand, you might just have the barest hint of a chance of accomplishing your 'ultimate goal'."
Sean blinked, looking down at the pyramid-shaped device he held in his hand. The only thing he'd been able to grab from the tomb before he and Sasha were teleported out.
"A Tesseract Labyrinth with a C'tan shard inside?" Sean guessed.
Trazyn paused for the briefest of moments, "You… are awfully well-informed for a primitive human, aren't you?"
"I try," Sean shrugged. "It's another part of my fascinating mystique. Now, how… do I check without potentially releasing a C'tan inside your collection?"
"Firstly," Trayzn 'corrected'. "There are few better places to release a C'tan shard than my domain. If anyone can contain such power, it would be me. Secondly, you're holding the Tesseract upside down. There. Now, press and hold the button on the largest face of the pyramid."
Sean followed Trayzn's instructions. After holding the button for a few seconds, a hologram flashed into being above the held pyramid. Neither Sean nor Sasha could read the text that scrolled there. But Trayzn obviously could. And Sean took his flashing, greedy eyes as a hint.
"Ah, it seems as if this Tesseract Labyrinth is a loss. Nothing of interest inside. Perhaps you should just give it to me for safekeeping. I'm sure I could arrange suitable compensation," Besides the flashing eyes, nothing in Trayzn's demeanor aroused suspicion.
Sean snorted, "Nice try. But no. I think I'll have to invoke the most ancient law of the galaxy. Finder's keepers."
Sasha's mind stuttered on Sean's words, "What…?"
It stuttered even more when Trayzn simply nodded and sighed, "Very well. As one of the oldest invokers of said law, I can hardly blame you."
"What?!"
"So what's really inside it?" Sean asked.
"The largest shard of the Nightbringer I've ever seen," Trayzn answered begrudgingly. "Along with a collection of specifically anti-psychic weapons and artifacts. If you are true in your quest to save the long-eared goddess, nothing but my old golden friend's explicit aid will help you more than this Labyrinth."
Sean let out a whistle and grinned, "Fuck, yeah! Big Score™, for real."
"Yes, yes, you hold the Master of Death in your palm," Trayzn grumbled. "There is no need to rub it in any further."
"Heh, I always did have a special relationship with Death," Sean chuckled knowingly, privy to a secret only he knew. "If it's any consolation, Trayzn, you can have it after I die. I hope to be moving on to better things then."
Trayzn perked up ever so slightly, "A few hundred years at most? I believe I can stay my hand for that long."
Sasha's mind had just about given up at this point, "What… is… even… happening…?"
Sean blinked at her as if he didn't know what was bothering her so, "A mutually beneficial agreement, of course. What else would it be?"
"Sean…" Sasha glared at him, her voice deceptively calm. "I'm going to need the raise of all raises when we get back to the ship. I deserve AT LEAST that much. No, you know what? If I'm going to have to keep putting up with you, I think we're going to need to finally come to a more permanent arrangement with our relationship."
"I think…" Sean spoke slowly, considerately, as a smile spread across his face. "I think I can do that. Especially for you, Sasha."
Sasha's voice turned small and embarrassed as she added, "… Good. I was worried I was going to have to buy myself my own ring…"
Sean subtly took her hand and squeezed. Sasha squeezed back, trying to look anywhere but at him. Trayzn watched them with that flat metal face of his, only barely amused.
Sean turned to the Necron Overlord, "Ah, a thought occurs… Any chance we could hitch a ride back to our ship?"
IIIII
"Oh, God," Barbara groaned as Sean finished his story. "I don't think I've ever related to a woman as much as with Sasha… Having to deal with Sean, an unretired Sean at that… Wherever you are, I FEEL you, girl."
"Hehehe~!" Kara giggled. "That part of the story was much better! Less dread, more funny skeleton robot!"
Harley joined her with a cackle, "Hell yeah~! Pirate Gothboy plus Klepto Metal Man~! That's the kind of wacky shit I'm talking about~!"
"Hahaha! Indeed!" Savage's booming laugh almost overshadowed both of the ladies before him. "This Trayzn sounds like an epitome of immortal culture! Not enough immortals dedicate themselves to preserving the past! It couldn't be me but I am thankful for his contribution all the same!"
"Did you ever end up freeing that elf goddess chick?" Two-Face asked.
"I would like to know as well," Penguin added, raising a toast to Sean. "Elven goddess lap pillow? Impeccable taste."
"(❍ᴥ❍ʋ)" Cass nodded her approval. 'Yes, unfathomably based.'
"That's a story for another time. But yes," Sean confirmed. "And the lap pillow was more than worth the effort."
Jason sighed, "Yeah… A nice relaxing lap pillow does sound nice right about now."
"I'll call Talia and tell her you said that," Bruce said flatly, not a single hint of teasing entering his voice despite obviously teasing his second-oldest son.
"No, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait! There's no need to go that far!"
"Mate, that universe sounds absolutely nutty," Boomerang commented.
"It had its moments," Sean chuckled. "By which I mean it was always full throttle, all the time. I don't think I ever got an actual break during my entire time there."
Didi pouted adorably, "Did that loathsome star-eater have to use my name so? 'Master of Death'. He's certainly not MY master."
"Of course not, darling," Sean soothed. "The Nightbringer was the very definition of an edgy bastard. And while it was useful for my purposes, it was only that. A tool. Hell, I was more 'Master of Death' at that point than it was."
"Sean~" Didi blushed and glanced away. "Save it for the bedroom…"
The seeming non sequitur made Sean blink for a moment before he caught the joke. When he did, a surprised laugh escaped him, "Very much not what I meant but you know damn well I'll take it!"
"As amusing as this has been," Diana chortled. "I believe that's enough stories for tonight from the two of you, Sean and Savage."
"Bah!" Savage scoffed. "I disagree! One can never have too many immortal stories! But very well, I shall not argue with a maiden!"
"Perhaps we can open the stand to the rest of the bar?" Sean suggested.
"Brilliant!" Savage declared. "Shock and awe me, little descendants!"
"Oh~! Oh~! We've got something~!" Harley chimed, hugging onto Ivy with a near-manic grin on her face.
"We do?" Ivy asked, raising a single amused brow.
"Yeah, 'course we do, Red~! Tell 'em about our show idea~! If anyone can make it happen, it'll be Gothboy~!" Harley insisted.
"Ah, I suppose you're right," Ivy nodded. "This was my idea. Given that I have my shop now, I thought Harley might like a side-project of her own. Something of a 'help radio' podcast for Harley to stretch her psychiatrist wings."
"In Gotham?" Flash laughed.
Harley just grinned even wider, "Just like that little Witch-Boy Brat said… Goo~oooood~ Morning, Gotham~!"
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