บท 18: 18: Here, There Be Vampires
Two-Face was fuming mad. Everyone in the Dead End could tell. So mad he wasn't even flipping his trademark coin. He was just glaring at Catwoman with a rage to match the sun.
"Oh, calm down, Two-Face," Catwoman said, rolling her eyes. "It was just a silly little gem. It wasn't even cut yet. My fence only gave me 10 grand for it."
"I know," Two-Face forced out through gritted teeth.
"It's not like me stealing from you is anything new. I don't understand why you're so mad about this one," Catwoman waved her hand flippantly.
"Because that gem was my rent for the next two months, woman!" Two-Face yelled and raged.
That gave Catwoman a moment of pause, "Oh… You know I could spot you some cash, right, Harvey?"
Two-Face sighed, the anger seeming to drain out of him, "I know, I know… Sorry, Selina, I'm just… Well, I'm moving into a new place — a penthouse near downtown. It's nice — and I've already put down the deposit. I don't want to have to postpone rent in the very first month and then scramble to make it all up."
"What about the rest of your money, Harvey? I know you can't be as broke as you claim to be," Catwoman asked.
Two-Face grunted distractedly, "It's a bit tied up at the moment."
"With what?"
"… My coin collection."
"Your… coin collection…?"
"It's a business expense, okay?!"
"Is it, though?"
Most of the Dead End continued on as normal. My customers were more than used to arguments between villains. That they never escalated to violence was seen as a healthy bonus, a benefit of the Dead End's neutrality. At the bar, however, the regulars' heads swiveled back and forth between Catwoman and Two-Face as if watching a tennis match.
Alice wasn't any different in that regard. Confusion written across her face, she watched the two larger-than-life villains bicker like old friends. It must have been quite the sight for someone unfamiliar with the Dead End.
Even with the Dead End's neutrality, my regulars still had lives outside the bar. Lives that intertwined and came to a head at common ground. Especially for the villains.
Catwoman still stole from Two-Face. Two-Face had a tendency to run afoul of Bane and Penguin — the other two major villain gang leaders. With the numerous subordinates beneath them, all three gang leaders were frequently chosen by Scarecrow to use as test subjects.
Scarecrow and Riddler were actually good friends and they worked together quite often, both in and outside of villainy. Riddler had a longstanding beef with Cluemaster — one I couldn't really blame him for. Cluemaster totally stole Riddler's schtick. Last I heard from Cluemaster, he'd been drafted into the latest iteration of the Suicide Squad.
Gotham's villain scene was a complex web of relationships and inter-personal drama. I only kept so up to date on it thanks to running the place where everyone gathered at the end of the day. No matter what events they were currently caught up in with each other, all of the villains agreed to leave it at the Dead End's door.
Then there were also the regulars who tended to stay disconnected from Gotham's usual chain of villain politics. Deathstroke still took out mercenary contracts, though he did seem to do most of his work outside the city. Clayface was trying very hard to set his villainous past behind him.
Freeze, Harley, and Ivy basically worked for me now, staying out of most of the city's crime. Freeze was kept quite busy by his wife. I did my best to do the same for Harley and Ivy. But occasionally, Ivy would get the urge to make some grand gesture of environmental protest and Harley wouldn't hesitate to help her.
And of course, there were the heroes on top of everything else. The Bat Family had enough going on internally to rival the entirety of Gotham's villains. And their jobs tended to insert them into the rest of the 'chain' without fail. From Batman doing his little dance with Catwoman (read: flirting like mad and sneaking off to make out like teenagers) to Spoiler being the one to catch her father this time around. But even they agreed not to track 'work' into my bar.
My more mundane patrons came and went without worry or fear. Uninvolved with the city's 'main characters', they were just able to enjoy the light bickering that inevitably still spilled into the Dead End while feeling assured that they would make it home safe at the end of the night. In Gotham, it was just about the best show you could find.
I was pretty sure Alice was a Gotham native. One who'd grown up during the height of the city's villainy problem. Batman probably made his debut when she was still too young to really remember it. And while Gotham had always been a dreary, dangerous place, it didn't really have villains before Batman as it does now. For someone who grew up during Gotham's cape fervor, the Dead End was likely an almost unfathomable place.
"Is… it always like this?" Alice asked.
She paused the task she'd been assigned as she asked me that. Her short teenage attention span found more interesting things than wiping down the bar. After Didi and I adopted her, I put her to work as a sort of bargirl. She couldn't mix or serve drinks but she could clean.
In fact, she could clean and watch the villainous argument at the same time, "No slacking."
Alice grumbled at my admonishment. She got back to her task though, wiping down the bar with more force than was strictly necessary.
I answered her initial question as we both worked, "It's usually worse-… well, not worse but busier. More hectic and chaotic. This is a quiet night by the Dead End's standards. Riddler, Bane, and Penguin aren't even here yet."
Alice shot me a disbelieving look. After all, Catwoman and Two-Face — two of the city's biggest villains — were arguing at my bar. And there were enough mooks and goons to found a small army. That wasn't even counting the more normal customers — normal in the Gotham sense of the word, at least. Which meant snobby moneybags drinking, talking, and even flirting with the same kind of people who made their vintage vanilla pumpkin spice frappuccinos.
"Right…" Alice rolled her eyes skeptically.
I just shrugged, "And it's always a quiet night when Harley and Ivy are working the shop out back."
She snorted, "Now that I believe."
"How are you doing, little one?" Didi came over to check up on Alice.
Alice lit up like a lantern at Didi's attention, "Great! Awesome! I love being able to work with you, Didi!"
"She's very easily distracted," I snitched. "But I suppose we'll make a hard worker out of her yet."
"Bite me!" Alice sassed, snapping her teeth at me for emphasis.
"Alice," Didi warned. "There's no need for that."
Alice quickly ducked her head in shame, unwilling to think about disappointing Didi in any way, "Sorry, Didi…"
I chuckled, "Heh, it's okay, Didi. I've got a tough hide. She'll have to do much better than that to get under my skin."
The look Alice got in her eyes told me she took that as a challenge and I just laughed even harder at that fact.
Then Riddler walked into the bar and Alice was instantly distracted again. She focused on him in an instant like a laser. That and the snarl on her face were anything but subtle.
"Riddler!" She growled. "You've got a lot of nerve showing your face here!"
Riddler blinked in surprise, "Hello…? I'm sorry, do I… know you?"
Alice's mouth gaped open and closed like an affronted fish, "Wha-?! Of course, you do, you bastard! You kidnapped me!"
Riddler cocked his head to the side, "I did?"
"Yes!" Alice shouted, fuming. "The party on your yacht, remember?!"
"You think I can afford a yacht? I wish," Riddler snorted. "No, you must be mistaken."
Alice didn't seem to notice that she'd become part of the show — part of the villainous drama the rest of our patrons enjoyed. I don't think she would care even if she did at this point. She was very angry. Especially since she likely thought Riddler was playing dumb with her.
"I'm not mistaken, D-hole! You kidnapped me and five others! Wanted to know which one of us stole your special little diamond! You locked us in a 'coffin' at the bottom of the sea as an 'experiment'," Anyone could hear the air quotes around those words. "And wouldn't let us go until we escaped!"
Riddler paled, "Oh, dear… When was this?"
"Months ago! But I haven't forgiven you!"
He groaned, rubbing at his eyelids, "I must have had a psychotic episode while I was switching my anti-psychotic medication. I never fully remember those. I am truly, deeply sorry for wronging you, Miss."
"Yea-…!" Riddler's heartfelt apology brought Alice up short, "Uh, what? You're… sorry?"
"Indeed," Riddler nodded. "I wasn't myself and you suffered for it. I must sincerely apologize. Please, allow me to make it up to you."
Alice visibly struggled with her emotions, warring between her anger and the earnestness of Riddler's regret.
I laid a hand on her shoulder, "Breathe, Alice. I get that you're angry but he wasn't in control. He can't reasonably be held accountable for his actions. And he's STILL owning up to his mistake. You can be angry at him but this isn't something to dwell on forever. He wronged you. He also apologized. Now, it's your turn to take a step back and MATURELY assess the situation."
I knew dropping the 'M' word like that would make her reconsider her emotions. Teenagers were predictable like that. Especially with the proud look Didi gave Alice when she stopped, took a breath, and thought things through. That just sealed the deal.
Alice shrank in on herself slightly and grumbled, "… Fine. He gets to live."
Riddler blinked, "My life was in danger?"
"Of course! Do you know who my new mother is?!" Alice puffed herself up, suddenly as proud as a peacock. Behind her, I discreetly shook my head to answer his question.
He blinked again, "No…?"
"Death!" Alice said, stomping her foot in exasperation. "My mother is Death! I could have you killed in a heartbeat! Cower, fool!"
Riddler looked between Alice and Didi's amused expression, "Uh… congratulations, Didi. Have you considered a name for your new daughter?"
"Wha-?! You don't even know my NAME?!" Alice screeched shrilly.
"Sorry but I'm terribly confused at the moment," Riddler deadpanned. "First, I find out I had a psychotic criminal episode that I don't fully remember. Now, I'm finding out that Didi — Death, who also serves me alcohol — has adopted a daughter. And that I kidnapped said daughter in said psychotic criminal episode. Honestly, I'm trying to figure out why I'm not dead already."
"Oh…" Alice paused. Then she nodded as if all was right in the world again, "Good. That's the correct response to wronging the Daughter of Death."
"Alice," Didi said, finally inserting herself into the conversation. "Her name is Alice. I've decided to adopt her. Isn't she just adorable~?"
"We love her very much," I nodded, putting an arm around Didi so we could both stand there like the proudest parents in the world.
Alice groaned that typical teenage groan, "Ugh, you're so embarrassing."
"Now, Alice," I chided with a smirk. "Is that any way to talk to your father?"
"Get real, idiot! You are SO not my dad!" Alice sputtered.
"Well, I am Didi's lover… Didi, am I Alice's dad? Step-dad?" I turned the question over to Didi, ignoring even more sputters from Alice.
Didi nodded matter-of-factly, "Yes, Dear. She's my daughter now so she's yours as well."
I nodded in the same way, "There you have it. Alice, I am your father."
"No…" Alice stared at me in horror. "No… That's not true… That's impossible!"
With an indulgent smile, I continued the quote, "Search your feelings. You KNOW it to be true!"
Alice let her inner drama kid out to play, "NOOOOOOO~! No~…!"
I made a show of clenching my fist, "Alice, you can destroy the Riddler. He has foreseen this! It is your DESTINY! Join me, and together, we can rule the galaxy as father and… daughter."
Alice cracked first, snorting with a silly little grin on her face, "Heh, you're a freaking dork."
I held the pose for a moment longer before allowing myself to crack as well and chuckle, "Yeah, when you live as long as me, you learn to enjoy the silly moments in life."
"Yeah, old man?" Alice sniped. "And how long is that?"
"I don't actually know," I considered. "It's all spread over several dozen lives and a few of those were centuries-long, maybe even millennia. This is my 69th go around, actually."
Alice stopped to stare at me in shock. Our audience — most of the regulars at the bar — did so as well. That might have been the first time I mentioned that little tidbit about myself. Anyone who listened to more than one of my stories could probably figure out I'd led a longer life than my appearance made it seem. But it was a bit of a leap to go from that — or even me visiting other dimensions — to 69 separate lives and a serial spree of reincarnation.
A single audible reaction cut through the shock, "Nice…"
"I'm not a bad father figure, you know," I said as Alice and everyone else shook off their shock. "You could certainly do worse. Only one of my daughters has ever tried to seriously kill me. And that was just how little Himiko showed her affection."
"Those are rookie numbers," Alice snarked, getting back into the flow of the conversation. "I'll have to see if I can pump them up. Add one more to your murderous daughter count."
"Aww~," Didi cooed. "Isn't it cute that she cares, Dear~? Don't worry, little one, I'll still love you if you kill your father."
Having it spelled out for her like that made Alice blanch, "Uh…"
Vicki slid herself into the conversation, taking the place offered by Alice's loss for words, "You know, Sean, that little Star Wars skit made me wonder something. Do you have any stories from a galaxy far, far away?"
Suddenly, the attention of everyone at the bar was focused on me. I shrugged, "Sure. I don't know why you would think I didn't."
"Maybe because it's a movie and the idea is ridiculous," Alice sassed.
"It's not that ridiculous. Have you ever heard of Multiverse Theory?" I asked.
Vicki nodded, "I suspected as much. A few of your stories turned up semi-familiar results when I looked into them."
"Bravo, Miss Reporter," I smirked. "You've discovered… popular media."
She shot me a flat stare. I chuckled and elaborated, "Okay, but really, it only makes sense when you get to a certain level. On the scale of infinity, coincidences are as common and plentiful as grains of sand. And once a certain idea gains traction outside of its reality, that reality gets pushed to the top of the proverbial pile. You'll find that many of my stories can be related back to some form of media or another, even media that hasn't been created yet."
"Fascinating…" Vicki mumbled, scribbling down my words as quickly as I said them.
"So we get a Star Wars story tonight?" Two-Face asked. The regulars were gathering around now, listening attentively for another one of my now-infamous tales.
"Darth Vader? Me~ow~," Catwoman purred. "Momma likes~"
"You like your men tall, dark, and broody. We know," Riddler deadpanned. "Everyone knows, Selina. It's not a secret or a surprise. Not when you go running off after Batman's cape every chance you get."
"Edward?" Catwoman smiled 'kindly'. "I think you should shut up now. For your own safety."
"Meep!" The quiet menace in her voice made Riddler squeak. He quickly mimed a zipper across his lips and did as Catwoman 'advised'.
I chuckled, "I think I'll leave the galaxy far, far away for another time. Alice? Tonight is your Dead End debut. Any requests? Maybe something more fitting for you? Something you're more interested in than sci-fi?"
She considered my question for a moment before a light came on in her eyes. She smirked as if she was about to show me up, "Vampires. I'm sure you've never encountered Dracula. If you did, he probably killed a dork like you instantly."
I raised an eyebrow, "Really? That's it? Vampires… You know they exist, right? Like, here in this reality, vampires exist. Even Dracula. Hell, Superman dusted Dracula. Turns out that vampires are a poor matchup against someone powered by solar energy. There's even an alternate timeline here where Batman was fully turned by Dracula."
Alice's mouth flapped open and closed as she stared at me in disbelief, "Wha-? No way!"
Didi confirmed my words with a shudder, "I find them to be loathsome and pitiable creatures. Overpowered vermin. Rarely does one of them manage to do anything worthwhile. They simply linger long after their time, forever evading my grasp. It's a fate that can be considered nothing less than a terrible curse."
I nodded, "And even outside this reality, I've encountered more than my fair share of vampires. They're a popular trope for a reason."
Alice growled. It came across as more of a pout, "Grr… Fine. I still want to hear about them…"
"As you wish, Daughter O' Mine," I let amusement play in my smile.
"Eh, I could live with hearin' about some vampires," Two-Face shrugged. "As long as they aren't those sparkly ones."
I chuckled, "Even I haven't suffered THOSE vampires."
"Good," Alice said with a visceral shudder. "They belong on the pointy end of a stake."
"All vampires belong on the pointy end of a stake," Two-Face grunted.
"Generally, I agree with you there," I nodded. "But I have encountered a few exceptions to that rule."
"Oh, yeah? Like what?" Two-Face challenged. "They're bloodsucking parasites on humanity! If I saw one, I'd dust that motherfucker before anything else!"
I hummed, "Hmm, do you remember when I told you all about Sunnydale?"
Vicki shuddered as memories overtook her. That was the first story she heard from me, after all, "How could we forget?"
"While most of the vampires there fell under the 'enemy of humanity' category, there were a couple there who could be considered decent. Even if I didn't get along with them personally. Vampires there weren't what you would typically think of," I explained.
"Usually, vampires are a pretty straightforward case of undeath. They're stuck somewhere between life and death, animated and kept alive by stealing the life essence of their victims. Most of the time, that means you could draw a straight line between who they once were and what they became."
"Makes sense," Riddler nodded. "Though, I have to wonder… Do vampires have souls?"
My lips twitched, "I'm getting to that. At least, in this particular universe. See, vampires in Sunnydale didn't follow that same straight line from alive to turned to undead. They thought they did but it was only a delusion. In actuality, they couldn't even be considered the same person after they were turned.
"Vampires in Sunnydale were literal demons. They were Blood Demons that possessed the corpses of their victim and imitated them so well that even the demons thought they were the victims. Without the victim's memories, the Blood Demons were barely any more intelligent than animals. They embodied Two-Face's stance on vampires better than any other example I can think of. Truly, they were parasites. Basically bloodsucking bodysnatchers.
"There were exceptions though. Two that I can think of. Angel was a vampire who was cursed to retain his soul as punishment for his crimes."
"Wait, wait, how is that fair?!" Alice demanded.
"It's not," I replied, my tone flat and direct. "It's stupid, cruel, and the people who cursed him were vindictive idiots. They dragged the victim's soul from the afterlife to answer for crimes he didn't commit. Crimes that were perpetrated by the very demon that stole his body. They cursed an innocent soul to a re-life of guilt and torment."
Didi made a little sound in the back of her throat to express her calm fury, "Dear," The lights in the bar flickered for a moment, "if we ever visit that world, I will be HAVING WORDS," Reality quivered as Death grew very still, "with those vindictive fools."
Most of my audience shifted uncomfortably in their seats. Alice just stared at Didi with stars in her eyes.
I simply nodded, "And you would be entirely right to do so. Angel wasn't the best man I've ever met but his soul didn't deserve that torture."
"NO ONE DOES…" Didi's voice became two-toned, simultaneously somber and shadowed by something greater, for a moment.
"Anyway," I moved on, laying a hand on Didi's shoulder to help her rein in her emotions. "The other exception was a vampire named Spike. He was one of the vampires Angel sired before being cursed with a soul. That whole 'family' — for lack of a better word — was a bit… special.
"Spike was captured by a secret organization within the U.S. Government and implanted with an experimental chip that made it impossible for him to harm humans. It worked and he eventually fell in love with a young human woman. For her, he fought to regain his soul."
"Awww~" Alice cooed. "That's kinda romantic!"
I shrugged, "If you say so. Personally, I think the age gap was a bit much and this young woman had a tendency to fall in love with demons. But I can respect Spike for fighting through the Demon Trials and earning his soul back."
Two-Face's expression screwed up in confusion, "What the fuck?"
"Why did he do all of that? Is it even possible for demons — that kind of demon, at least — to fall in love?" Riddler asked, inquisitive as ever.
I waved my hand so-so, "Kind of. Like I said, the whole Angelus line was… special. They alternated between the depths of evil and sin and the potential to be genuine heroes. The only explanation I've been able to settle on for their unique nature is that the whole line was a focal point of fate. I think they were favored by the Powers That Be… Fuck the Powers that Be. But that's a whole story for another time."
"They don't seem so bad," Alice said. "The vampires, I mean…"
I fixed her with an unimpressed look, "Spike and Angel were very much exceptions from the norm. Two out of millions of vampires. The rest — to a single demon — were deplorable creatures without a single redeeming quality. They weren't even cool. They were so bloodthirsty it came back around to cheesy."
"Alright, go ahead and ruin my dream of cool hot vampires, why don't you…" Alice sulked.
"There are plenty of examples of that," I laughed. "Just not from Sunnydale. What about Dracula? You started this by mentioning him and I have actually met him before. The version I met could definitely be considered hot."
Alice perked back up, "Really~?!"
"Yeah," I nodded. "Tall, dark, broody, and he wasn't even a Blood Demon. He was the much more traditional type of vampire. Considering that he was married and had a son, I think he even still had a soul. That didn't stop him from hating humanity but after what humans did to his wife, I can't say I blame him all that much."
"What'd they do to his wife?" She asked in dark fascination.
"An asshole bishop had her burned at the stake," I answered grimly. "Claimed she was a witch just because she wanted to improve medicine and actually knew what she was talking about. Lisa Tepes was a good person. She loved Vlad for who he was and didn't fear the monster he could be.
"Vlad… He was a better person with her, FOR her. He put aside his distrust for humanity and helped her pursue her goal of improving medicine. With her gone, the only thing he could think to do was wage war with humanity for what they had taken from him."
"Now THAT'S romantic!" Catwoman exclaimed, eying Alice intently. "Take notes, kitten. Just because he's dark and tortured, doesn't mean he's worth the effort. It doesn't matter how hot he is. If he's not willing to better himself and you, drop him like a sack of bricks. And if he doesn't literally fight the world for you, you drop him even faster."
"Whatever…" Alice looked away with a huff. "Not all of us can have a caped crusader trying to redeem us from our life of crime…"
Catwoman let out a purring chortle, "There aren't many men like my Bat."
"Red Hood does 'tortured and brooding' pretty well," Riddler commented.
"Oh yeah~!" Alice perked up excitedly.
"No dating until after your first century," Didi cut her off. "At the minimum, little one."
"Mooooooooommm…" Alice groaned.
I chuckled, "I only would've said 21."
"Whatever," Alice grumbled. "Get back to the freaking story already…"
"I'm curious, Mr. Barkeep, did you fight Dracula at all? Ya know, 'cause he was waging war on humanity and everything?" A mook asked.
I waved my hand dismissively, "Nah, I left that up to the Belmont boy and Vlad's kid. I just designed Vlad's castle."
"You were… an architect?" He asked, sounding somewhat stunned.
I simply shrugged, "I was off doing other stuff most of the time. Interesting world, that one. There was a lot going on with just the Cainites — vampires — and then even more when you brought in the werewolves, the mages, and the hunters. Then there was the whole Masquerade business after civilization started to thrive. By modern times, it was a proper 'World of Darkness'…"
"Masquerade? World of Darkness?" Riddler asked curiously. "What do you mean by that?"
"Well, humans kept getting smarter and stronger — on a collective level, at least. And they outnumbered the vampires by a vast margin. At the same time, the vampires were getting weaker with each generation they sired as the blood of Cain was diluted or something," I explained.
"Where they once ruled the night, they began to be threatened by the very prey they hunted. So they took to hiding in the shadows. A Masquerade over the truth, if you will. They never stopped running things, of course. But they hid their true nature so the world wouldn't descend and slaughter them all. The werewolves and even the mages had similar ideas. Ergo, another world in the shadows. A World of Darkness."
"Bor~ing~" Alice rolled her eyes.
"I thought it was fascinating…" Riddler mumbled.
"Whatever. Let's get back to hot vampires! You said Dracula had a son. Was he hot?!" Alice asked intently.
I chuckled, "Objectively? Yeah, I suppose so. Alucard certainly seemed to do well enough for himself. But I couldn't really speak on that. If you want my opinion on hot vampires, you should hear about the haunting Lady Alcina Dimitrescu…"
As I said that, I made an illusion of the woman I was talking about. One that that true to life in every way that mattered. Behind the bar, the lifelike image of a statuesque woman appeared. Beautiful, hauntingly pale skin. Curves that wouldn't have been out of place on a goddess. Shimmering ruby lips quirked in a dangerous smirk. 10 feet of pure seduction and sweet death.
Alice's eyes tracked upwards. They kept going and going, ever-widening along the way as Lady D seemed to stand as tall as the ceiling of the bar. Finally, she paused on Lady D's face, frozen as it was in that elegantly deadly expression. A girl of Alice's height had to crane her neck to see Lady D's face and even then it was partially obscured by the sheer size of the towering vampire's bosom.
On the other side of the bar, the rest of my audience went through similar motions. Eye after eye tracked up and up. A good portion of them got stuck on the vast swath of cleavage Lady D had on display. The reactions were muttered and mumbled as the mere illusion of Lady D's statuesque beauty stole the air from people's lungs.
Still, they all came to a general consensus, "Holy shit…"
"I'm not gay… but yeah, holy shit," Catwoman muttered.
"I am gay!" Riddler exclaimed. "And still! Holy shit!"
"Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry…" A regular goon mumbled himself in circles, trying and failing to come to terms with the sight of Lady D.
"I want to fucking BE her…" Alice said, her voice soft but firm as if she'd just discovered a new dream for herself to chase.
"She is quite pretty," Didi observed. She was the calmest one in the room.
"Barkeep, you are one lucky motherfucker," Two-Face raised a toast in awe. "I'd sure as Hell climb that woman."
"I'm not," I deadpanned.
"What do you mean?!" Two-Face asked, sounding almost offended. "You didn't try your damn best to tap that? That?! She could crush my skull with her thighs and I'd die the happiest man in the world!"
I shook my head, "Lady D was — unfortunately — a colossal bitch. Just completely insufferable. She was a misandrist. No, that's too light a word. She was a Man-Hater. Capitalized. To the point of homicide. Genocide if she could have gotten away with it."
Two-Face winced, "Ah, one of those. Damn. Shame. What a waste."
"On multiple occasions," I continued. "She tried to torture me, kill me, and feed me to her daughters. She hated men with the wrath of God. She called men 'man-thing', didn't see them as anything more than cattle, and took sick pleasure in torturing anything with a penis."
Alice grimaced, "Dammit… Yeah, that's not cool. That's not cool at all. Dammit! Why can't I have a healthy, sexy, vampire, female role model!?"
"That's probably for the best. Lady D wasn't even technically a vampire. She was a mutated biological weapon who just happened to be very fond of blood," I shrugged. "Oh well. There's always the big titty police girl to look up to."
Alice's expression went flat, "What."
"Sean," Didi gave me a stern look. "Please explain why you want our new daughter to model herself after a 'big titty police girl'…"
I laughed, "It sounds worse than it is. Seras Victoria was actually a great person and a better vampire. She was just given that nickname by her asshole of a boss. Alucard was insane but funny. That whole world danced on the razor's edge of sanity. Hell, I swear it fell off that edge more often than not."
"Alucard?" Alice's curiosity was perked again as my words pacified her. "Wasn't that the name of Dracula's son?"
"Different world," I answered. "In this world, Alucard was Dracula. It was the name he used in modern times."
"How original…" Riddler deadpanned.
"Huh?" A mook made an unfortunately unintelligent noise with his face twisted in confusion.
"Alucard is Dracula backward," Riddler explained.
"Ohhhhhhh," An almost disturbing amount of the mooks in the audience realized that at the same time.
I fought very hard to keep from rolling my eyes, "Anyway, when I met him, Alucard was acting in the role of a weapon for a British organization called Hellsing. If it went bump in the night, Hellsing killed it. And Alucard was saved for the real big stuff. Of course, that left him quite bored, quite often. And he began to amuse himself with… 'quiet walks'."
My smirk when I said that last sentence told my audience everything they needed to know, "I really can't stress enough how utterly bonkers this world was. On one of his 'quiet walks', Alucard ran into Seras. She was being held hostage by a sort of bog-standard vampire guy.
"The vampire started monologuing or going on about something. But see, Alucard didn't care. He didn't even know who the 'dastardly villain' was. He was just out for a walk, trying to find something interesting. And he found it. And he killed it. As he was wont to do.
"Shot the vampire straight through the heart with a silver bullet. 'Course, he also shot Seras. But he turned her because — and I quote — she looked like 'A puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy'."
Alucard's quote got a few shocked snorts of humor. I certainly had everyone's attention. They didn't quite know what to make of this story yet. I hid a grin. They had no idea what was about to hit them.
"So Seras was a tiny, slip of a girl. 5'2" at most. Very well endowed though, as the nickname suggests. And what does Alucard do after turning her into a vampire? He gives her an anti-material rifle."
"W-What?" Catwoman choked.
"I suppose… for a vampire… that might make sense," Riddler slowly considered. "They'd certainly be able to handle the recoil."
"Oh, I assure you, something so reasonable didn't even enter into Alucard's mind," I dismissed, losing the battle against my grin.
Riddler blinked, "Then… why?"
My grin was out in full force now, "Why, because 'Bitches love cannons', of course."
The punchline took a moment to land. There was a bark of laughter that seemed to come as a surprise even to the one who laughed it. Then a brief hiccup of laughter and another until my whole audience was laughing. The laughter was only helped along by me manifesting a little model of Seras, complete with a 'cannon' longer than she was tall.
Catwoman wiped a tear of humor from her eye, carefully minding her claws, "He's not wrong. 'Bitches' do love their cannons."
"It's me," Alice giggled. "I'm 'Bitches'."
I joined in with a chuckle, "God, the stories I could tell about Alucard and Hellsing would keep us here all night."
"He does seem like a pretty cool guy," Two-Face said.
"Guy? Alucard?" I screwed my face up in mock confusion. "He wasn't a guy. He was a 'Real Fuck-Mothering Vampire'."
The laughter restarted and Two-Face shot me a dead look. I just grinned back at him. He rolled his eyes.
"Har de har, Barkeep."
"I'm serious. He called himself that. He killed a lot of people to get that title; he deserved to be called such. And besides, his concept of gender — most things, really — was about as fluid as blood."
Alice looked as if she was about to start worshipping the ground Alucard walked on, "So. Freaking. Cool! I wanna hear more about Seras! She sounds like a badass!"
I chuckled, "That she was. Just a rightly lovable little bundle of pint-sized vampire violence and fury. That whole world was badass. Insane. But badass. I haven't even gotten to what the Nazis were up to."
My last sentence brought pause to my audience. Almost as one, they all turned and simply stared at me. The collective flatness of their expressions looked like it only could have been made by a hydraulic press.
"Excuse me…? Nazis?" Riddler 'asked'.
I nodded matter-of-factly, "Nazis. It's always Nazis, isn't it? They even managed to sack London this time around."
"Oh, God," Someone groaned.
"Funny you should say that. Because at least the Catholic Church was there to save everyone…" I trailed off.
"Thank God! The Catholic Church!" Their relief was audible. It didn't last.
"From themselves!" I cut back in with a grin.
Their faces fell with realization, "Oh no… The Catholic Church…"
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