บท 20: The bottled up emotions

THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS THEMES WHICH MAY BE UPSETTING FOR SOME READERS

In the evening, Tang Wei Sheng and Li Juan decided to take a stroll in the neighbourhood. While walking hand in hand with Li Juan, Tang Wei Sheng felt like he was blessed with new way of enjoying bliss. Though they were on a business trip since they've became a couple, it felt like a holiday trip. Unlike Yang Wei Sheng, Li Juan appeared silent and lost in thoughts.

"Juan. " Tang Wei Sheng called her by first name when he noticed her awkward silence.

"I have always wondered why you appear silent in front of me, but change into a talkative person before others. Are you still not comfortable in front of me?"

He was genuinely concerned with her random coldness towards him.

"I never imagined that you would like me. There were a lot of girls chasing after you and I always thought that I was no one special, just a random a girl. Maybe a little more- your sister's friend?" Li Juan explained while gazing into Tang Wei Sheng's almond eyes.

"In the beginning, I was hesitant; I was afraid that if I became close to you, I might not be able to control myself from confessing.

To be honest, I was afraid to confess. I didn't want to ruin whatever little relationship we had. So I always remained silent and loved you secretly." Li Juan didn't hide her feelings as she decided to come clean before him.

"And you know what, I liked you for that. All others tried to impress me with words and you made me fall in love with your silence." Tang Wei Sheng held her hand and pressed gently.

"I only wanted you to know that I like you and I did not expect you to accept my feelings. I never dared to think that we are made for each other." Li Juan admitted her reasons with downcasted eyes.

"What made you think like that?" Tang Wei Sheng was intrigued by her words.

"I am nothing in front of you and your family." Li Juan's voice was gloomy as she spoke.

"You are the heir of one of the biggest corporations in the mainland. And I am nobody. I had my parents as an example. I thought, just like my mom, everyone will also treat me as a gold digger. So I kept the truth buried inside me until one-day lanlan told me to marry her brother." Li Juan grinned when she recalled her best friend's odd request.

"She was so serious about marriage."

"Did she really ask you that?" Tang Wei Sheng chuckled when he heard her words. "I thought she only asked me to marry you."

"Yeah. She still does that."

"Lanlan likes you a lot. To be honest, I didn't even expect that your friendship with her will last this long."

"If there was not lanlan, I don't think that I'll ever be this happy." Li Juan added to his words. In her life, Li Juan only had very few people who actually cared for her happiness and well being - Tang Wei Lan was one of them.

"Let's sit for a while." Tang Wei Sheng suggested since they were walking for an hour.

They sat under the tree's shadow, resting their back on the tree's bark. The sun was about to set and the sky was turning into a beautiful shade of orange. Tang Wei Sheng intertwined his fingers with Li Juan's fingers.

"It feels like a dream, Wei Sheng Ge." Li Juan inadvertently changed the way she addressed Tang Wei Sheng.

"I have always imagined that my first date would be something like this."

Li Juan rested her head on Tang Wei Sheng's shoulders.

"So you are telling me that we are on a date?" Tang Wei Sheng playfully asked her.

"Not completely. But yes, if we consider the situation." Li Juan agreed without any protest. She was someone who liked simple gestures of love.

"Going for a walk and watching the sunset together, is that your concept about the date?" Tang Wei Sheng was baffled by Li Juan's simplicity.

"I don't have any concepts."

"You liar! Just a moment before you told me that, it feels like you are on a date. Didn't you?" Tang Wei Sheng was hellbent on teasing her, so he held on to her words.

"Well, everybody has vague ideas about their love life and boyfriend in teenage. Is it necessary to follow them even if you are an adult?" Li Juan looked solemn as she explained.

"You are only 26 years old and why are you speaking like an old lady?" Tang Wei Sheng was worried when he realised that Li Juan never cared about her happiness.

"Do things that people in our age would do. You deserve to enjoy your life. "

"But still." Li Juan tried to find an excuse.

"Ohoho, this girl!" He frowned when he heard her rebuttal. "Juan, you are giving me headaches. Why are you still holding back? Did I open my heart in front of you?" Tang Wei Sheng asked Li Juan with earnest eyes.

"I liked you the moment I met you. I haven't seen anyone with such beautiful eyes. Those big black eyes, it captivated me. The worst ever thing I've done to you was leaving you all alone in the corridor on that stormy night without a word." He admitted everything in a breath.

"It was excruciating for me to leave you there. When I saw you crying- I felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces and without even realizing it, I ran towards you." Tang Wei Sheng passionately said to the girl who kept looking at him, starry eyed.

"Everything started on that night. I couldn't even sleep properly, those teary eyes were haunting me the whole night."

"That was the first time I've ever made someone cry."

"I felt sad, I felt guilty that I made you cry."

"for the entire night, I tossed and turned in my bed and finally, I've decided that whatever happens I will not make her cry anymore and I won't allow anyone to make her sad."

Li Juan gazed at Tang Wei Sheng admiringly while he was confessing his feelings.

"From the next day itself, I've started following you. Every time, I looked at you, I found you fascinating. And what else, I eventually fell in love with you." Tang Wei Sheng's eyes were shimmering with fondness.

"I was going to confess before going abroad. But everything was arranged on short notice and I didn't even get a chance to tell you.

I told LanLan to inform you about my flight time." Tang Wei words turned more and more despondent.

"I thought you would come and see me off, but you didn't."

"I thought you did not have any feelings for me and choose to stay behind. So I left abroad with a heavy heart.

When I came back for the first time, I tried to contact you.

All I got to know is that you moved to S city.

Nobody knew where you were or your exact address."

"Every time I came back for vacations, I searched everywhere in S city and failed to find you.

It was like you vanished into thin air."

"At one point, I told myself to stop looking for you and move on. I tried to believe that you never existed." Tang Wei Sheng looked at Li Juan with a sombre expression.

But I failed terribly."

"During the day time, I engaged myself with work, so that I do not get a moment to remember you. But once when the night falls, I was left alone with your memories. And somedays I found myself waking in some lonely beaches in S city with no memories of previous nights.

Those days, I felt like I was living with a mask. My heart was in pain but I had to put a smile on the outside."

"Where were you Juan when I was insanely searching for you?" Tang Wei Sheng asked Li Juan with forlorn eyes.

Li Juan was left speechless upon hearing his side of the story as tears were about to roll down from her eyes.

She didn't even have a single idea how much Tang Wei Sheng loved her.

She thought he forgot her when he went abroad and never tried to look for her.

She believed that she was the only one suffering.

But she was wrong.

Tang Wei Sheng proved her speculations wrong.

He loved her.

He was searching for her.

"I came to see you off." Li Juan slowly opened up the bottled emotions from the past.

"But unfortunately, I had an accident on the way to the airport."

"What?" Tang Wei Sheng was stunned when he heard her words. He never knew about her accident nor the fact that she came to send him off.

"I was bedridden for two months and when I came back to school, things weren't so smooth. You know how they have treated me- It was quite difficult for me to stay there."

Li Juan looked at his eyes for a moment. Does he know about the things that happened in the school after he went abroad?

The past she doesn't want to remember, should I tell him about it?

Li Juan was confused for a moment.

"No, maybe some other time." She decided in her mind.

"My mom went to S city for a better job and we shifted there.

Sometimes I wanted to see you for one last time, even from far away but was unable to do so." Li Juan continued.

"My conditions were not that good- I lived in the hospital for half of the time and rest of the time, I worked part-time for covering the medical bills."

"I thought you would've got a scholarship and migrated to some other countries." Tang Wei Sheng told her.

"I did apply for the scholarship but," Li Juan stopped for a moment.

"You didn't get selected?" Tang Wei Sheng was puzzled. "You were the topper of the school. How come you didn't get selected?"

"I fell from the school building."

"What?" Tang Wei Sheng had no mental power to accept her truth. Her life was in peril not only once, but twice and he had no idea about it.

"It was quite bad; I could have lost my life but fortunately, I ended up losing my memories." Li Juan lacked any emotions as she carried over with her memories.

"I couldn't speak or move around as I wish. About six months, I was under observations.

When my memory came back, I forgot about the days I have spent in the hospital.

To be honest, due to my head injury, I constantly live with the fear of memory loss." Li Juan gently smiled as she reached out for his hand.

"Two years ago, when my mom passed away, I felt like killing myself.

She worked hard without caring about her health so that I could live.

Mom never told me about her medical condition until the day I found her unconscious in the house.

The doctor said that she will be alright if we remove the tumour. But on the surgery table-," Li Juan stopped for a moment and tried to suppress her tears.

"I believed that I was the reason for the adversities that happened in my mom's life.

I hated myself for making her life difficult.

I felt guilty for being alive,

I was alone and I was scared, what if one day I forgot about myself?

Who will be there for me?

In the end, I thought about ending my life."

Tang Wei Sheng didn't dare to say a word to her. He thought that Li Juan was living well somewhere, but she endured so many adversities in the past seven years.

Li Juan removed the leather bracelet in her wrist, to reveal a scar.

It looked like she tried to cut her veins.

"Professor Han was the one who saved me." Tang Wei Sheng touched the scar, carefully with immense amount of guilt as she continued to speak.

"While lying down in the hospital bed in the brink life and death, I saw that dream again, the one where Jade land queen asked me to save her family.

it was contradictory to see myself trying to save someone who is dying, when I was the one who is supposed to be saved.

After that, I never thought of death." Li Juan calmly said.

"But that head injury left some serious neurological problems. I am having delusions and I'm unable to handle a single trauma, Do you remember that day at the restaurant, I cried over a silly comment?" Li Juan faintly smiled.

"I can't control it myself so, I am still relying on medicines."

Tang Wei Sheng was in utter disbelief. Li Juan was in an accident, she had memory loss and she even tried to take her life and he didn't hear a single word it - as if someone purposely hid it from him.

Li Juan looked at Tang Wei Sheng's startled face.

"I wanted to tell you all these before we get closer anymore."

"Hmm," Tang Wei Sheng didn't say anything and his silence made her rethink her decision to confess everything to him.

"Wei Sheng Ge," Li Juan tried to get a response from the man who suddenly went silent on her.

"What happened to the driver who made the accident?" Tang Wei Sheng asked something she didn't expect.

"He died at the spot."

"He is dead?" Tang Wei Sheng looked puzzled.

"What about the accident at school?"

"I don't know actually. Mumma said that the school authorities reported that I went to the rooftop on a rainy day and slipped." Li Juan tried to remember whatever she heard from her mother. "No one know what I was doing in the roof at that time. I barely remember anything from the days I lived in S city."

"It is alright, sweetheart." Tang Wei Sheng hugged her softly.

"Juan, I am sorry. I didn't know anything about it. All these years I have never imagined that you are going through such hardships. I'm extremely sorry."

He bent over and kissed her forehead.

"I promise that I will never leave you alone."

Tang Wei Sheng looked at Li Juan- He couldn't believe what happened in her life.

How come he or his staff didn't know about it? Did someone try to hide it from him? His mind was in confusion.

Who would've done that terrible thing?