บท 238: Marvel 11
I was starting to understand why Stan didn't mind me messing with this universe, it was doomed from the beginning.
After the death of what would have been Captain Marvel, I decided to take my daughter for a short trip to the Arctic to see the condition of a certain sleeping beauty, only to find him dead.
Steve Roger was a Super Soldier, but the only way he survived being frozen for seven decades and still being in perfect condition was through plot armor, something this universe didn't have.
A few years later, Tony Stark went to Afghanistan for a weapon demonstration as intended but died on his way back. What did you expect, he stood a meter away from one of his own bombs. If it didn't kill him, that would mean he wasn't such a genius after all and his weapons weren't very effective.
The shrapnel went right through his heart, killing him almost immediately. I admit I was a bit disappointed when I heard on the news that they found his body, I would have loved to meet him, talk with him, and see him change with my own eyes. But, alas, maybe in another universe.
The tragedy continued in 2010 when Thor came to Earth as a mortal, or at least a human, he was always mortal, he could be killed and he did not have eternal life. It was already a miracle that he survived being run over by a car twice as a human but when the legendary Destroyer armor bitch slapped him, his head popped like a melon.
Odin used this thing to kill Celestials, how could a simple slap not have turned a human's head to paste? If it didn't, it could only mean that the Celestials of this universe were even weaker than those from the MCU.
Hulk was, well radiated. He died like any person would have when exposed to so much gamma radiation. At least the world is now saved from the useless intelligent Hulk. I mean, what was their plan when they made him intelligent, the whole thing about Hulk was that he was angry and savage.
The Avenger plot was different. Instead of the original team, this one only consisted of Hawkeye, Black Widow, and a few mutants. I'm still wondering how Robin Hood and Marvel's biggest slut made it on a team of superpowered beings.
Without the heavy hitters like Hulk and Thor, the destruction the Chitauri brought with them was a lot greater, and this time there was no Iron Man to send the Nuke to outer space. Once again, the government showed its competence by nuking their own city, killing not only the aliens but also millions of civilians and their own team of heroes, destroying the motherfucking pirate's plan before they even fully took form.
At least they were lucky and the explosion destroyed the device that opened the portal in the sky in the first place or just more aliens would have come through. Many people started looking for the cube but I just threw it in the nearest black hole, save from Thanos and whoever wanted to get it, as those that could get it there didn't need the stones to destroy the universe.
Only a year later, America was once again invaded by aliens, this time the dark elves. Seriously, America was in Movies what Japan was to anime. Their solution was of course using their beloved guns and when they failed, the geniuses from the top decided to shoot the second nuke to their own country in just a single year.
By now the whole world was feeling the impact of the many nukes and were getting a bit worried. Until now, everyone feared being nuked by another country, now the people of the whole world were becoming afraid of when America was going to nuke itself.
Over the years, some small villains succeeded in what they normally wouldn't have due to the presence of heroes, a good example for this was Obadiah Stane, Ivan Vanko, and now Aldrich Kilian. Needless to say, the world was changing, and with the absence of heroes, villains began clashing with each other due to their different goals or grand ambitions.
It was like these Chinese containers with insects and the most poisonous survives. In the end, only the most evil, brutal, and ruthless villain will remain standing.
2015 was the year I have been dreading for a long time now. It was the year the Marvel Jesus would be created and knowing him, he would definitely find me and start annoying the heck out of me and my customers.
To make matters worse, he was actually one of the two anomalies Laura talked about. She called them anomalies because they were still part of her but not as easily controlled and influenced. She could still do it easily, it was just that they gave slight resistance which should be impossible.
บท 239: Marvel 12
I could feel it in the air hours before the door even opened and an annoyingly sweet voice from a guy in a full-body condom turned every head to him.
While walking up to the bar with a sway in his hip, he decided to give Saitama a nice slap on his shiny head and complement how he could use his as a mirror. If that wasn't enough, he also dressed a few buttons on Darth Vader's suit that activated his inbuilt toilet and stole Sherlock Holmes' hat.
"Hey there, daddy. Have you seen this man?" Deadpool asked me as he held up what could only be described as a child's doodles of him killing a stick figure that said "Hi, I'm Francis"
"No, now get lost, Reynolds"
"Hey, hey, hey, amigo, you can't just break the 4th wall like that, you have to do it gently, like the foreplay when you get a girl ready for her first time."
"…I just did, I prefer the fast and painful way, like ripping off a band-aid"
But the red man-child was no longer listening as he was screaming like a horny high school girl that saw her idol as he made his way to Stan Lee.
He managed to molest over half of my customers before I threw him out. Deadpool came and left like a storm dressed in spandex but I never hated him for that. He was unique and as fun as he was annoying. Somehow, Deadpool and his actor had the same personality.
Who else would love such an ugly dog like Dogpool? Reynolds fell in love with Britain's ugliest dog and wanted to make her Dogpool, Deadpool loved anything weird and different anyway, but even Reynolds's daughter seemed to have inherited his insanity as she wanted to keep Dogpool.
Let's stop there, the 4th wall has already been seriously damaged.
Two weeks later, he came again but this time with his fiancé. Was she already his fiancé? No clue.
Needless to say, he caused chaos but most customers had already gotten used to his antics and just ignored him. While that was good news, it also meant that from now on the walking cancer would come by almost daily, making cultural references that no one really understood except me and my family.
Just as everything seemed to be returning to normal, everything changed and the reason why Stan didn't mind me ruining this world came to light. Similar to the "What if… Zombies" episode, the quantum realm was infected with the Quantum Virus, turning Scott Lang into a zombie when he shrank down to destroy the Yellowjacket suit.
It was a bit different from the "What if…" series since it wasn't the idiot Hank Pym who doomed the world. In a matter of hours, many states were completely infested with zombies. Unlike in horror movies, there was no way to really hide from them as they had no real weaknesses like only reacting to sound or not being able to open doors and climb ladders.
"Well, this is a problem," I said as I, along with many other customers, looked through the window.
"Boss, can you relocate this place to somewhere else?" some random drunkard asked
"Of course, I can. Alright everyone, after today, this place will be relocated. Till then, enjoy whatever you're having" Everyone cheered as the end of the world no longer stopped them from coming here.
"What about me?" Deadpool asked
"What about you?"
"Can I come with you? Pretty please with a cherry on top."
"No"
"Not even if I give you a blowjob and call you daddy"
"No, and you are already calling me daddy for some reason"
"Oh, right. So, can I sleep in your bed tonight?"
I just looked at his expecting eyes and scoffed before throwing him out. He would probably become a zombie too but I had a feeling that even if he turned into a zombie, he would remain the same and somehow even find a way to whatever universe I am going to settle in next.
There was also a good chance that becoming a zombie would be better for his ugly visage, even an undead corpse looked better than whatever that was.
So, the following night after all the customers left and Deadpool was running from the zombies, I relocated the main body of this place to another universe. This universe didn't have mutants but at least not everyone is going to die in a gruesome realistic way, like the previous heroes did.
The moment the building appeared, a familiar baldie came to my door AGAIN.
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