บท 32: Say What Now?
She immediately felt sick. She rested her forehead on his chest. She looked at her feet. His heart somehow was going even faster than it was before.
"Fuck," She whispered under her breath.
She couldn't believe the level of stupidity she had just reached. She had done so well keeping it all from him.
"Allie. Why would that be our song if we had one?"
"Fuck."
His tone was serious. He took a step back. She was still looking at her feet.
"I would appreciate it if you looked at me, please."
"Fuck."
It sounded more like a demand than a request. She looked him in the eyes. They were filled with shock, pain, and distress.
"Please stop saying fuck and answer me. WHY would that be our song if we had one?" he asked again.
"I swear to God, I didn't remember anything when I first saw you. I swear," she said. "I didn't remember anything about us or what happened.
"You... wait... you remember what? Are you fucking with me right now? What the hell is going on?" he asked. "Am I being Punk'd?"
"I guess the longer we were together, the more my memory returned. It was piece by piece, not exactly in the order of succession. At first, I didn't know if it was actual memories or if I was remembering dreams. I would smell you, and it would trigger something. You would say something, and it would cause a flash in my head."
"When did you remember all of it? Specifically."
"It first started when we were in the back of your truck. I don't know if it was the kissing, being pressed against you, or having you inside me. You said something, and I knew it wasn't me remembering dreams," she said.
"What did I say?"
"Wow."
"I said wow and suddenly, you remember?"
"You looked me dead in the eye," she looked at him with a look of guilt, "and you said wow." He looked into the storm brewing in her eyes. She smiled ever so slightly.
"Wow," he replied.
"How am I doing so far?" she asked. "Am I right? There was a wow."
"You're doing quite well because there was a WOW. A big WOW."
"You gave me a ride. You and Arthur were in the car. What I now know is a Bentley. We went up to my apartment. You gave me a piggyback ride. No love, just sex. Good for one night only. I do remember how amazing it was. How amazing you were, are. How you felt, looked, the taste of your kiss. Then we did it again in your truck. It was even more incredible."
He took a beat. "Then why didn't you tell me? You've been walking around for weeks acting like you saw me at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting," he said.
"I know this is overwhelming, Cowboy. It got very overwhelming for me, too, as I started to remember."
"Jesus Christ, Alexsandra. I can't believe you kept this from me."
He turned around and started to pace in a circle like a tiger in a cage. She had seen him mad before, but she had never seen him angry.
"You've been treating me like shit for weeks. You've hurt me emotionally and torn my heart out every time you spoke to me with contempt. If you told me you remembered the night in my truck, why didn't you tell me that you remember the first night we spent together?"
"Because I didn't want you to think this would be a thing. One night turned into two, and I didn't want you to think this would be the real thing."
"At least no time soon."
"What did you think was going to happen tonight, Alexsandra? Another forgettable night? Another piece of my heart. Or perhaps it's all gone, and my soul gets butchered next.
"I know what I wanted to happen." She started to tear up. She looked at him like a wounded animal.
"No. No, Allie, you don't get to do this to me. You were not going to sit here and cry. You are not going to manipulate my emotions."
"I'm not trying to manipulate anything."
"You've been manipulating me for WEEKS! I would go so far as to say you have been gaslighting me. I don't know what to say. How you looked at the crime scene made me realize you didn't remember me. If you looked into my eyes and didn't remember me, I knew you never would. I remembered you. Every curve of your body, how your hair smelled of coconut every Wednesday because it's a deep cleansing shampoo, as you told me when we casually conversed over coffee. I remember your eyes. Those blue, gray eyes look like a storm coming. You are my storm, Allie. You can be beautiful in the distance but destroy someone if you get too close. I have thought of you every day since that night. I worried and wondered where you were, if you were OK if you remembered me, and if I was ever going to see you again. If you were pregnant with my baby. What hurts the most is you were so close just down the block. Then you and I... my truck. You have now successfully ripped my heart out three times. Did you know I worked at the FBI? Have you seen me before we came across each other at the Crawford crime scene?"
"No. No, I had never seen you before then. At least until the fog cleared, I would have said something if I remembered you the first time I saw you. At the time, I didn't remember you. I swear. When you said you made love to a woman who just had sex with you, and it hurt you, that was me. I never dreamed that that night meant so much to you. I never intended to hurt you, and when we were in the truck, I wasn't sure of anything until..."
"I said WOW."
"If I hurt you so badly, why did you let that night at Muldoon's happen?"
"I couldn't pass up a chance to be with you again. That first night, it was good. We were good. The second night we were together, it was mind-blowing. Neither of us wanted it to end."
"Well then, why didn't you say anything? We could have talked. We could have figured something out, right? Do you realize how fucked up this is? Do you?"
"Of course I do. Please don't be angry with me."
"Is there anything else you're keeping from me?"
There was no way in hell she was going to tell him about Malibu.
"No. Thank you for getting me home safely that night. You are such a Southern gentleman. I'm so sorry, Cowboy. I couldn't take it if you were mad at me."
"You don't want me to be mad at you? I've been hurting in every way, every day since that night, all because you acted as if you didn't know me. I wasn't important enough to remember."
"You didn't say anything to me either. You could have just come out and said, hey, I know you. I think we hooked up once."
"Yeah, like I wanted to embarrass myself in front of the girl I..." he went silent.
"Girl, you what?"
"Cared very deeply for. I didn't want to embarrass myself and have you say you didn't remember me. Which it seems like you would have."
"Dean, I never wanted to hurt you."
"Well, you did. I think it's time I took you home."
The ride back was 25 minutes of awkward silence. He wanted to say something to her. She tried to say something to him. Their hands were almost touching. She loved how his touch made her feel. His aura had shifted from light and cheerful in the early afternoon to now. It's just heavy and dark. She wanted to nestle into his arms like they were when they drove to Ava's. She loved him holding her close. That night, when he slid her arm out from underneath her, and she knew the night was over, it confused her; she didn't want the night to be over. When they were in his truck, she didn't want to move. She just wanted to stay there feeling him in the most intimate way possible. If she closed her eyes and thought about it hard enough, she could still feel him inside of her.
They made it to her apartment. He exited the car, went around, and opened the door, holding his hand and helping her out. The southern gentleman.
"I could use your help getting inside. As you know, those stairs are a bitch." Apparently, just like me. "Can you help me up?" she asked.
"OK. I will watch you from the stairs as you enter your apartment, and when I hear you lock the door, I'll leave."
This time, he didn't put her on his back; he just walked behind her to catch her in case she fell.
He watched her succulent ass as she climbed the steps. It took every ounce of self-control he had not to reach out and touch it. To not hold those beautiful curves and guide her up the four flights of stairs was torture. She stumbled and fell forward.
Why do you hate me, God? She fell, and her succulent ass pressed against his cock when he bumped into her. She pressed her ass against him.
"OOOPS." She stood up.
They made it. He was on the step that brought them face to face. She stood there momentarily, looking at him; the urge to kiss him made her ache. She leaned into him and kissed him gently on the cheek; he returned with a kiss on her forehead.
She rested her forehead against his. They took each other's hands. They stayed like that for a while with their eyes closed. Occasionally, one would slightly move their head as if to kiss.
"Thank you for getting me home safe," she whispered.
"I wouldn't have it any other way," he whispered.
"Dean, I am so sorry that I have hurt you."
"Yeah, I am too."
They each felt their hearts ache a little. The moment had so much emotion in it. They shared a feeling of longing, a sense of love. She had missed that feeling. She had feared that feeling.
"If you ever want to accept my apology, maybe we can try this again by then."
He pulled back away from her face and backed down a step. He looked at her. "What the fuck did you just say? We can try this again! I think I missed a memo. What is this? You told me that you didn't want this." He pointed back and forth between them.
She wrapped her arms around herself. She looked at the ceiling, thinking of what she wanted to say. What did she want to say?
"The answer is not on the ceiling, Alexsandra."
"I guess I was thinking that you would still be there when I finally came around and wanted more than this."
"You were stringing me along? Why? You just assumed that because of my true feelings for you, I would wait with my candle until I was blessed with your light in my life. It would be best if you got over yourself. We all have had shitty relationships because they ended too soon, too painful, or didn't end soon enough. Let's act as if you never came over and met me. We didn't have a wonderful night together, the best night of my life. I never clicked with anyone like I did with you. Somehow, we knew each other's wants, needs, and every inch of each other's bodies. It felt right, but the night in my truck was unnecessary. Maybe it was a mistake on my part. I voluntarily set myself up for heart-tearing rejection. You remember, though." He backed down a couple of steps.
"There is nothing I can do to make you forgive me? Is there?"
"Allie, please, just walk away. Feel free to take a piece of my heart, too. You already tore it out. Can't let it go to waste."
She was doing her best to stay stoic. The lump in her throat was strangling her. She finally walked away. She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.
He heard the lock, engaged, and slowly walked down the stairs. He was halfway down the second flight when he heard his name.
"Dean!" She was leaning over the rail and looking down at him.
"Don't go, please!" She had started to cry. She can't remember the last time that she had cried like she was. Damn you, Dean Carron.
He dropped his head and looked at the floor. "Allie, I have to go," he said.
"Please!" she said. "Two minutes."
He looked up at her. "Fuck." He made his way back up the steps. He walked over and stood in front of her.
"I'm not looking for a relationship now, but I want one sometime in the future. Can't you just please..."
"Can I just stop my life because you want me at your beck and call? I can't go through that again, Allie," he said. "I need to protect what is left of my heart."
She looked disappointed. She hung her head, stared at a spot on the floor, and swept her foot over it back and forth like she could kick it away.
"Will you kiss me goodnight for old times' sake?" she asked.
After everything that had happened, the Angel on his shoulder said no. The devil on his shoulder wanted to punch the Angel in the face. The devil jumped off the shoulder, putting the Angel in a sleeper hold.
"Of course, you can," he said.
She made her way to the steps. He met her halfway.
He tilted her head up and bent down to meet her lips. He loved the way her lips felt on his. When their tongues met, it made him pull her into him. He reveled in the feeling. She ran her hands up his back. He ran his hands down hers, his hands finding her ass. He squeezed it and pulled her in as close together as their bodies would allow.
This is it, Dean. No more, do you understand? Soak in the feeling of her body against yours, the taste of her mouth, and how her lips feel when I make her smile.
They separated, and each took a breath. "Please, Dean."
He held her face in his hands and looked into her eyes. "Allie, I can't," he said. "I can't do this again with you until it means something to you. Not until we would be making love. Not until I knew my heart was safe. No sex, just love."
"I just can't do what you want me to—not right now," she said. "My wish for you, Dean, is that you find all you're looking for with someone looking back."
"Allie," he said. "I already made my wish, and it didn't come true." His look was grave.
She patted him gently on the chest. "I'm so sorry. It's OK. I won't think less of you in the morning," she smiled. "Today was one of the most fun days I've had in years. It seems like all my best days recently have been with you. It was perfect. Well, at least until the last hour. I'm definitely not going to forget it. Now get home, Cowboy, and go to bed. I'll see you sometime soon to work on the case."
He held her hand and kissed it gently on the back. "I will do my best just to be your friend and keep my feelings in check," he said.
She took his hand and squeezed. "Thank you for getting me home safe again."
She let go of his hand. She kissed him again softly. "Good night, Dean." She walked to her door.
"Good night, Alexsandra."
She went to open her door. Her back was to him. "Dean?"
"Yes?"
"I can't be your friend. I can be your coworker. I learned my lesson with Alex. I'm sorry.
She went into her apartment without looking back.
He heard the lock and engaged. It made him wince. "Well, I guess that's that," he said.
He walked slowly down the stairs like a prisoner on their way to execution, with the inevitable waiting for them at the end.
He got into the Bentley. "OK. Arthur, take me home."
He looked out the window and said nothing for the rest of the night. This time, he walked away. He tried to convince himself that he had made the right decision. Only time will tell.
She shut the door behind her and leaned up against the door.
Are you crying?
"No." She wiped a tear from her cheek. "I'm fine."
God, you really suck at lying. Do you like him, Caretaker?
"I do a lot."
Then, let him in.
"I can't. I won't. I can't do love. I'm not going through the inevitable. No relationships. I can't do relationships."
You used to do relationships.
"How many ended in tragedy? How many ended in betrayal? How many ended in heartbreak?"
You don't want to die alone, do you?
"What difference does it make? "
It makes a lot of difference. It makes an enormous difference. The difference between just taking your last breath or using your last breath to say I love you to someone. When I lay in the dust, struggling to breathe for the few seconds before I died, I looked into your eyes. You were the last thing I saw before my candle went out. I couldn't have been happier knowing my last memory would be of your beautiful face.
She let the tears flow.
What happened tonight?
"I told him."
You told him what exactly?
"That I remember everything from our first night together."
Oh shit. How did he take that?
"I'm not 100% sure."
Was he mad?
"I don't know Malibu. At first, I thought so. But then it didn't seem so. Then he said he would do his best to be my friend."
That's good, at least.
"I told him I couldn't be friends with him, not after Alex. I learned my lesson."
I guess he didn't want to come in and talk about it.
"Do you see him in here, Jackass?"
Touché.
"I wish I never went to Ava's that night."
That's total bullshit, and you know it. Just admit it: you have fallen for him, or you are falling for him, or you know you could fall for him. You ended up remembering him for a reason.
"Because I have seen him repeatedly for the last few months."
Or maybe, and I'm just spitballing here, it's because you want to remember him. Ever think of that Caretaker? You are the master when it comes to repressing memories. So again, do you remember him because deep in the recesses of your mind, you wanted to?
"I remember that I wanted to remember. I don't know. I do know I want everything to go back to normal."
Do you call what was going on normal? You better hope he doesn't treat you like you treated him these past months.
"I'm sure he would never. He's too great of a guy."
See right there. You know, he's a great guy. Be honest, Caretaker. Do you like him? Do you have any feelings for him at all?
"I do."
Open yourself up. You've mourned for far too long.
"I can't. I won't. I won't do relationships again. I am toxic. Look what I did to Alex."
You used to have relationships; you can do it again. And I don't know what happened to you and Alex. It bothers me that you don't talk about it. I only know about who was before me.
"I loved him, but then we both lost it all. He almost gave up his job for me. I can't go through anything like what I've been through again. I can't go through losing anyone else to death. I can't go through being cheated on. I can't go through an abusive, toxic relationship."
Okay, apparently, there is shit we really need to talk about because you need to work through some shit. Didn't I ask you to promise that you would fall in love, marry, and have babies? You are not keeping your promise to me.
"I never said I would. You asked me to promise, and I never did. I feel no guilt about not holding up my end to a bargain I never agreed to, Malibu. If you wanted me to even think of doing those things, you should never have been taken from me. I should have been able to do that with you."
Please don't put this on me. Stop using my death as an excuse for not living your life.
"I don't have to use your death. I have Ian, Sean, OK, maybe your death a little, Alex. Every single one of you, that's the only excuse I need for not living my life."
"I do have one question."
"What would that be?
"Was Alex more special to you than I was?"
"Jesus God Ken! How could you... that was...please don't make me answer that question."
So he was.
"No. Yes, I don't know, I don't know. Ian, Shawn, Craig, I know none of them hold a candle to you. Alex and I were together for a long time. It's a different kind of love. "
Well considering the first guy cheated and then died and then the second guy cheated and then the third guy it's pretty much just a permanent booty call I can't say that I am touched by the sentiment. So now what?
"I go back to being me. The same resentful, sarcastic, unfeeling bitch everyone assumes me to be. Right now, I want to go to bed and cry. When I wake up, everything will be right with the world. It will go back to being the lovely shit pit it has always been. Just no rose-colored glasses anymore."
She walked to her room but stopped short. Do you remember the names?
If I didn't, I could always toss your memories in your brain and see what I come up with about the names Dalton and Dorsey.
"Dalton and Dorsey? That's what you wanted to name them. We never agreed on a name. Then again, if I did have kids with you, I would have been open to Dalton."
I know. And I would have been open to Daisy.
"Goodnight, Malibu."
Goodnight, my Queen.
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